AIBU to do nothing to help my alcoholic husband recover?

[SenoritaViva]

My husband is a 'functioning' alcoholic. He holds down a decent job (board level management) but he drinks most evenings.

He comes from a family with addiction history. I do not have the healthiest relationship with alcohol myself (I find it very hard to have one glass of wine for instance) but I don't drink (almost) every night like him and haven't had anything since just after Christmas which I think has made me a lot more aware quite how bad his drinking habits are and have now committed to only drinking when i go out (which is very little). I would also be unlikely to sit and drink alone night after night which is what he's doing.

He admits he's drinking too much, it worries him but he's doing nothing. There's nothing I can do is there? I can't make him stop but here I am just watching him dig himself into a deeper hole. I hate the fact that I'm helpless and doing nothing. Will the children ask why I allowed it to happen when they're older?

Am I unreasonable to do nothing? And if I do 'something', what the hell do I do? I am so very sad about it, I have told him of my concern but that seems all I can do.

(Also very sorry if this is not the right place to post).

Nothing you can do.

Guess the only thing you can do is not buy alcohol. He has to make the decision to stop drinking for himself.

How much is he drinking each evening? Is it at worrying levels?

You can't cure him, any more than you could cure him if he had asthma, or even cancer. He has to seek help and commit to whatever treatment he is offered. He probably won't because the very fact that he functions "normally" means he will be able to convince himself he has it under control. My mother was always "tired" or "stressed out" and it was never her fault, always ours.

Do your best to protect your children and, if it starts to have an impact on them, think of kicking him out. Honestly, I would not wish being the child of an alcoholic on anyone. You never know how to behave or what state they are in; you have to react to their moods; you tread carefully and alcohol becomes an enemy or a source of fear.

I am the child of a (now sober) alcoholic. You cannot stop him drinking. My mum made the decision to stop and, with a huge amount of strength and a hard quitting period, she did it. I begged her to stop for years, as did the rest of my family but it had to be her decision for it to end.

It s a stressful situation to live with, you have my sympathy.

Littlewhitebag - he drinks 1-2 bottles of wine per evening.

I left him 4 years ago because I felt he was addicted to marijuana. When I met we were young and I didn't care but once we became parents I thought drug taking inappropriate. In the end I left and he stopped and everything was great but slowly he's replaced it with booze. I love him, he's a good father but he'd be even better without the alcohol and his energy levels are low and I worry about long term health issues.

Thanks senorita. That is definitely worrying. I like to drink wine but not in that quantity. I don't think you can do anything except continue to offer him support. He will only give up when he is ready. Hopefully it will be before his health is too affected. Does his work offer health assessments? My DH is director level and gets yearly medicals.

It might be worthwhile joining or getting in touch with Al Anon. They will help you to stop feeling responsible but I think they will also help you to avoid enabling his habit.

Sneaky - I never buy wine. I've hidden the nice wine my bro gave us for Christmas.

Will Al Anon help a relative?

I don't feel I enable (but have done in the past). I busy myself in the kitchen or go to bed, he drinks alone watching tv.

No medicals etc at his company sadly.

Alanon is designed for family and friends. Another sdite which might be helpful if it is more of a habit than compulsion is moderation.org

Ultimately, if he's an alcoholic, his drinking will probably escalate and he won't be able to function any more on a normal basis. But it happens slowly, so you find yourself making excuses, covering up for him, both of you withdrawing from friends - you not going out as you're scared to leave him alone.

This was my experience. DH used to drink in the evenings, whilst holding down a senior banking job. This spilled over to lunchtime drinking and got worse and worse.

I was lucky, he hated it and sought help. He has now been sober for 5 years and is a wonderful father and husband. The only thing I do to support him is that he goes to lots of AA meetings and is a sponsor of 2 people - which does cut into family time, but the alternative would cut into family time a lot more!

He has to work at AA, and look into why he was drinking but he is a calmer, so much happier man.

Good luck, that feeling of tenterhooks the whole time was just awful.

I would recommend you go to Al-Anon. You will get lots of support there.

You have my sympathies. My DF was also a functioning alcoholic. He was breathalysed(sp?) at work and sacked for being over the limit. He has drunk since the age of 14- he's 42 this year. Being sacked was a real kick up th arse, as he then realised it was a problem. It's taken a lot of patience on my part, because there really is nothing you can do- apart from not providing alcohol. He wants it, he gets it.

May be worth mentioning that if you have an accident in a company car, and you hurt someone, whilst over the limit- the company can be done for negligence, and the boss can get a custodial sentence.

I really really hope you all get through this, there is nothing worse than watching the person you love most, slowly kill themself. Believe me, I've been there. DF has been almost sober every day since September last year, and today got another job. :-)

Please do go to AlAnon. As someone said above, it's specifically for the family and friends of alcoholics. If nothing else, you will be welcomed and understood.

Oh and the age old saying: "you cannot help anyone who does not want to help themselves"

well yes do nothing but ....at least tell him, which you have probably alreayd fone that you are un happy and think he is drinking too much, perhaps save up his bottles to show him at the weekens..

I know a lot of people like your husband, on the side lines of my social circle.

They think they just like a drink, I think they have a problem.

Some of my family have had issues with alcohol and it is something I am conscious of, I don't like to be around them too often.

I can understand your concern, all you can do is voice them to him (again) and say you will support him if he wants to cut down/stop.

There is nothing you can do other than that really. Unless he wants it, it's not going to happen.

Thank you very much for kind words.

I will get in touch with AA and check out moderate.org

Altkinum - you are right re title, I'm not thinking all that straight. I'm interested to know whether you perceive him as simply drinking too much rather than alcoholic. I feel he's become pretty dependant on it which is why I'm calling it alcoholism but would of course be pleased if I was wrong.

OP - if he's dependant then he's an alcoholic, that's the diagnosis.

Don't apologise for your title. He isn't recovering because he still just is an alcoholic.

Willbeat - I like the idea of saving the bottles. I might try this.

I don't agree with people who say you cannot do anything. You have obviously talked to him and knows he is drinking to much is FRIGHTENED by it and you go to bed? Help him out. Talk about it together. Make a plan together. For goodness sake he sounds overwhelmed by this.
We decided (DH and me/I?!) decided that we were drinking too much. So we made a pact that we would not drink at home but go out once a week and have a drink. We have knocked that back as well now and feel great. It is more difficult for him, he was consuming A LOT and missed it. But I was ready for that and was able to step in and step back.

There is nothing you can do. Alcoholics (there is one in my family) are devious, selfish, self-centred, have shockingly low self-esteem, and an inability to, in baby-related language, self-soothe. It makes no difference if you drink or not - I pretty much gave up drinking anything at all as all I could see were the negative effects of it. It made no difference, because for alcoholic, nothing matters more than their booze.

The most important thing in your husband's life, I'm sorry to say, is alcohol. He won't care that you are concerned, he will see it as nagging and being unreasonable. My family member went to AA eventually, I was a nervous wreck, deeply depressed and had had spent some time screaming, begging and crying for them to do something. They later said that they planned to go to AA for a few weeks to get me off their back, shut me up and then they planned to start drinking again. Luckily, something stuck and this person has now been sober for over 4 years.

If your husband is drinking heavily at home in front of you, I would pretty much guarantee he is drinking elsewhere too. My family member used to buy booze to drink on the way to work (at 5am). They drank at work (being sacked from 2 jobs for doing so). After getting paid, £100 would go in one day on booze. Even then, I don't think they thought it was their issue! it was everyone else. Alcoholics are not great at taking responsibility, and things are always someone else's fault.

Looking back, I would not have stayed in the same house as an alcoholic for as long as I did again. It destroys you, slowly and surely.

But Saurus her op has agreed. He admits to drinking and admits to being scared. He does not know what to do. Does not seem like he is in denial, or deceit etc.

I genuinely don't think he's drinking elsewhere. That's not to say he wouldn't in the future but I don't think he's at that point.

He has not said he is frightened, I am not going to bed on him but I have said I am not dealing with him when he is drinking. I have tried talking to him when he is sober and this is when he has agreed it is too much.