AIBU to do nothing to help my alcoholic husband recover?

[SenoritaViva]

My husband is a 'functioning' alcoholic. He holds down a decent job (board level management) but he drinks most evenings.

He comes from a family with addiction history. I do not have the healthiest relationship with alcohol myself (I find it very hard to have one glass of wine for instance) but I don't drink (almost) every night like him and haven't had anything since just after Christmas which I think has made me a lot more aware quite how bad his drinking habits are and have now committed to only drinking when i go out (which is very little). I would also be unlikely to sit and drink alone night after night which is what he's doing.

He admits he's drinking too much, it worries him but he's doing nothing. There's nothing I can do is there? I can't make him stop but here I am just watching him dig himself into a deeper hole. I hate the fact that I'm helpless and doing nothing. Will the children ask why I allowed it to happen when they're older?

Am I unreasonable to do nothing? And if I do 'something', what the hell do I do? I am so very sad about it, I have told him of my concern but that seems all I can do.

(Also very sorry if this is not the right place to post).

Its not your responsibility. I am currently feeling the guilt for not doing anything to help my bipolar ex husband who has just been sectioned. Its hard to not get involved. I can't stand the guy but I feel sorry for him .x

you can't physically stop him but talking to him about it - keep niggling from a loving place - keep pointing out what he has drunk - when he says he wants to stop find him information, talk about how he think you can help and plan for times when he knows he is susceptible - just keep him thinking about stopping and give him the contact and information about support he can get. Talk about the positives of stopping and dealing with his issues relating to drink - he needs to find reasons to stop but he won't think about them by himself while out pissed so take any of those moments when he opens up a little to get him thinking about it - sow some positive seeds and be on his side.

Only you can know how much you have to give though - maybe find family alcohol counselling dealing with the whole family - maybe working as a team might help him find focus too. You need support too so seek it out.

Bratingham - drinking too much is not the same as being an alcoholic, and if you're an alcoholic you can't just reason with yourself not to drink so much. The urge to drink will take precedent over everything else, and to the exclusion of most other things. It is the driving force of an alcoholic's life.

Saurus

The medical diagnosis for alcoholism is being dependant on alcohol not your life falling apart because of it.

I agree with Bratingham that since he is saying that he is drinking too much, it is possible that you could help. My mother was an alcoholic, but she never once admitted that she drank too much; to me, admitting he has a problem is a massively important first step.

Would he consider AA, or some counseling, or doing something to interfere with his evening routine?

Saurus agreed. Unfortunately I have a good understanding of it! In the op she said that he agrees he is drinking too much. It worries him. So it would seem that he is half way to the right side of it mentally. For the rest, sometimes, if it is a communal effort there can be great success. Seems like this man has a continuos issue, changes the substance. So getting rid of booze is one step and then change the pattern of turning to "something" to deal with life would be step 2. 'Tis a big one to take on and very long term.

I'm not sure what the definition of 'falling apart' is - the person I am talking about drove drunk and was sacked from jobs, but always found another straight away, had friends, a wife, went on holiday, paid a mortgage - all the signs of an otherwise middle class 'normal life'.

Do you ever talk to him about his drinking? Is he aware you disapprove? If so, then add a bit for every drink you think he has.

If not (and I believe in your case it might not if you've just realised you'd been drinking a fair bit yourself and looking at it with new sober eyes) then 2 bottles of wine of a night would place most people on their arse. The fact he can function on that speaks of tremendous tolerance.

I out myself continuously on threads and so have to nc, so not keen to get into the background, but what I would say is that there is a tremendous difference between someone putting a bottle of wine down their neck (or even a wee bit more) due to a long party (still binge drinking, still not good) and sitting alone knocking back 2 bottles of red because he's had a bad Tuesday.

He might be functional (but DC will notice, really they will) but is he actually enjoying it or just topping off to avoid withdrawal. That may sound bonkers, but if he's 10-20 units a day, chances are a couple of days off will lead to some nicely saturated night sweats and being very tetchy.

If he admits he's drinking too much, what does he want to do? What would he see as ideal?

My father is now a sober alcoholic and for the last 10 years he drank he would have emotional 'moments' when he admitted he drank too much and wanted to stop. It did not mean he wasn't an alcoholic though and that he could just cut back or stop because he wanted to.

I'm sorry you are in this position OP - my only advice would be to always use the word 'alcoholic' so that he knows you take the problem very seriously and if he wants to go into denial he can, but you're not prepared to. Al anon is very good as you need support but it really is up to him to decide if and when he wants to stop and there's not much you can do in the meantime.

I think he partly admits to it because he knows I feel that is a step in the right direction, but I don't think he's willing to do anything. He has had problems sleeping without alcohol in the past and I often think he feels miserable because he's hungover.

I voice my concerns. I tell him I'll support him but that he has to find the way that suits him (he hates being told what to do).

Underlying all this I don't think he's very happy. I think he'd be happier without booze but he drinks because he's unhappy. I've suggested various things for us to do in the evening but he slips back into his ways. I've tried lots but none of it seems to work and I'm out if ideas.

Will Al Anon help a relative?

Al Anon is for relatives, AA is for Alcohols. I'm sure you are not intentionally enabling and you may not be enabling at all, but I have only heard good things about Al Anon.

Vitamin B complex might be helpful as alcohol is a depressant and removes vitamin B from the body, meaning the drinker finds the only way to feel good is with another drink.
But he sounds like Alcohols Anonymous would be good for him. Not just to get him off alcohol but to deal with his addictive personality. I have friends in AA who are wonderful, because they are working on themselves so much that they end up far superior in kindness and thoughfulness to your average person.