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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So tired of ex's bollocks

27 replies

Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 17:37

I have N/C. First 2 yrs of separation EXH and I very good friends until he met his new partner who he moved in with after 6 weeks (4 yrs ago) and is going to marry.

Things have deteriorated massively since then and it has been a battle over everything (driven by her). I think he is in a EA situation.

He has stopped seeing 1 of the kids who wasn't his but he brought up and allowed to call him dad and there have been anonymous allegations that I drink drive (I don't) and I have been breathalysed, had police called and threaten to arrest me for harassment, allegations made against me at work. This outs me a bit but I don't want to drip feed.

Two teenagers that are his have chosen to continue to go to his even though they dislike her and she is not nice to them (puts them down, takes the piss) and they refuse to wash their clothes, school uniform etc.

It has now got to the point (past few months) where he refuses to communicate with me AT ALL - to the point where he refuses to even respond to a text asking what time he is collecting them. Which I feel is incredibly dangerous and encourages the teens to collude with him. Tonight 1 of the DC has organised with his dad (his weekend) to go out. His dad has not discussed with me what the boundaries are for DC or even asked if this is "allowed" - is he grounded etc. I think the potential for this lack of communication at all is quite scary and dangerous (he lives 2 miles away so the kids are local and seeing their normal mates so potential harm for differing rules quite high but sees the DC twice a month only).

AIBU to think we need to communicate on a basic level and what do I do as I don't think I can stop them going there?!

Help?!

TIA

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 24/01/2014 17:41

How old are the kids?

Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 17:42

Yr 10 and 11.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 24/01/2014 17:45

If he's a git he's a git: obviously it would be sensible and good parenting for the two of you to communicate at a basic level but it doesn't look like he's going to do that. So yes there are going to be different rules at his house. And he is their dad so you can't stop them going there (and you shouldn't either).

Quite how 'dangerous' this really is - rather than frustrating and poor parenting - I'm not sure. Do you think your kids are in any real danger, or just that they might run amok a bit?

How old are they?

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2014 17:46

So the kids are 15 and 16yrs old?

It's definitely frustrating but I think they're kind of at the age where they make their arrangements with him.

Would a grounding really apply on his contact weekend anyway?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 24/01/2014 17:46

so they are 14 and 15?

BlackDaisies · 24/01/2014 17:48

What exactly is it you are worried about happening when they visit him?

Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 17:48

14 & 16 - I must add I work with teens do I do know exactly what they get up to when good boundaries are not in place.

I worry for example being allowed to go to a party that I would not dream if allowing them to go to.

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 24/01/2014 17:50

Not disputing that he's a dick but I think this falls into "his" time, his rules I.e. he gets to decided what the boundaries are and if the child is grounded. It's not ideal, obviously co-operative parenting is much preferable but in high-conflict situations this kind of parallel parenting may be the best you can hope for.

Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 17:51

She does things to wind me up and point score.

For example I hate guns she knows this and they gave DS1 a target shooting experience for his 13th bday - he was confused as it was not something he had asked for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 17:54

I worry as DS1 speaks to me like shit when he gets back from there - the complete lack of respect for me in the household is blatant and rubs off him :(

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 24/01/2014 17:56

I think it sounds horrible for you, but I don't think you can do much about it apart from talking to them about how to deal with his partner's unpleasant behaviour, and, if they will listen, to chat about alcohol/ drug use etc and hope they take it all on board. I don't think you can interfere much, due to their ages. It might work against you if you try to stop them going (in as much as they might hold it against you and go there more frequently).

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/01/2014 17:57

He gets to make those decisions as well,you don't get final vote.

They are old enough to cope and he's not being abusive.

BlackDaisies · 24/01/2014 17:58

What exactly is it you are worried about happening when they visit him?

BlackDaisies · 24/01/2014 17:58

What exactly is it you are worried about happening when they visit him?

Witchofthenorth · 24/01/2014 17:59

My children are considerably younger so Im not sure what perspective I can give...I do know though that when the kids go to my EXH house, there are different rules there than here, but we do try wherever possible to expect the same behaviour, but I also know that he is far more lenient than I am when it comes to discipline and boundaries.
I think I would find it more frustrating than dangerous TBH. I do think that basic communication is a must but Im not sure what sanctions you can put into place with regards to what arrangements they or their dad make with each other.

I also dont carry groundings over when they are at their dads.

Not much help I know...

Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 18:01

I don't actually feel that he is making the decisions based on care for our children.

He is making the decisions based on her manipulation.

Any consequences I have to deal with as he does none of the things he agreed to do when we split and he refuses to go to parents evenings or take any interest in their lives, or find out who they are hanging out with.

OP posts:
PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 24/01/2014 18:01

She may be a total cow... but no one stops seeing their son (biological or not) unless they are a massive cunt themselves. You seem to be making excuses and blaming her..he is a grown man. I'd say fuck him and let the teenagers sort it out with him.

Devastating for your other child that he won;t see them though. How do "his" kids feel about that?

Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 18:03

I accept btw that there are different rules there - just this going out in the evening thing worries me as he doesn't actually know where they are, or who they are with.

The kids take the piss out of how many rules and regulations there are at her house - she is very controlling.

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 24/01/2014 18:04

I know how you feel , truly I do, all grief I have had from my EX has her hallmark stamped all over it. But there is not that much I can do about it. I also have trouble when they come back on a Sunday...blatant weekend with no boundaries, but I have to just carry on...tell them the behaviour I expect and what I will not tolerate and hope that it goes in.

I think you might have to talk with him yes, but dont expect him to have an epiphany.

Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 18:05

He has taken on one of her kids (an older grown up one went into care Hmm).

It caused a massive divide between the kids and my DS2 is still devastated 2 yrs on.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 24/01/2014 18:10

He's obviously not a very nice person,but nothing you can or should do about it

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/01/2014 18:11

Unless the reason her child was removed from her is also a risk for your children?

Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 18:13

Well I tried to find out if it was a safe place for the kids to be but that ended in an allegation being made against me - that's a whole other story.

She is a bitch to them and I think EA but they are adamant they want to go.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 24/01/2014 18:14

How did you try to find out?

Original poster
Marriedanarse · 24/01/2014 18:17

I phoned up social care and asked if it was a safe place.

The social worker didn't get back to me just told her and she accused me of abusing my position (I phoned up in my own time and said who I was!).

OP posts:
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