To be still scared of bullies 17 years later?

[NotMeNoWay]

DH thinks I am.
Was bullied badly at school for three years by a large group of girls. Started with name calling and giggling, moved on to throwing food and spitting at me, then to pulling hair, drawing pictures of my corpse etc then finally I was attacked and beaten up.
I tolled teachers before it got violent but they did nothing, just said it was normal. The bullies were jealous of me.
After the violence my head of year had me and them in his office and made me say to their faces what I thought should happen.
Police, excluded, suspended, detention. I was petrified and chose detention. My parents went mad but I played it down as I didn't want repercussions and felt like a failure for being unlikeable.
I left school at 16 early in the final year, you could then.
Was pg with DD at 18 and walking to the doctors at 8 months pg when I saw a few of them getting into a car. They saw me, and the driver reversed her car right up to me knocking me over. It wasn't at speed and I wasn't really hurt just shaken and upset. I did nothing about it.
Fast forward 15 years and my 3rd chld has just started pre-school. It's a lovely school, my older DC love/ loved it.
I was walking him back when I bumped into someone coming through the school gate. I looked up to apologise and saw two of them taking their children to nursery. They looked at me just like they used to like dirt. I was frozen and felt petrified.
I don't feel safe anymore, like they will know where I live. I feel my DC might be in danger from theirs. I am worried they'll be in the same class.
DH thinks I'm worrying over nothing, they are grown ups with children.
I feel stupid and scared again.

Not stupid at all, you had a traumatic experience with these bullies. Is there anyone else at the school or another friend who could be with you at drop off/pick up time one day and maybe you could just try saying hello and be friendly. I know it will be bloody hard but will show them you are willing to move on and are not scared of them (even if you are).
I was horribly bullied at school, met one of them years later and was terrified as she scowled at me but later found out she was worried about seeing me and she eventually apologised.

What you feel is perfectly natural, so don't worry about that!

Hopefully in time there will be no problems between the children and you can relax a little.

It must be horrible seeing people every day that remind you of (and caused) such a horrible time and I really feel for you. Be brave!

Thank you for replying and sorry to hear you were also bullied.
I don't really have any close friends. I lost contact with the few school friends I had when I moved in with DH and had DD. They were out partying, travelling and at university while I was covered in sick and knee deep in nappies.
There are a few Mums at school I speak to but nothing more than general chit chat.

I think that your DH is dismissing what you went through, so that may be cutting him off from understanding your feelings now.

If you look at the language used, "bullying" , "name calling", it minimising what children go through.

You were subject to a hate campaign that escalated from verbal abuse to a physical assault.

You we're let down by those who had the power to protect you, after going through the right channels.

This then happened again when you were very vulnerable (pregnant).

So your feelings are perfectly valid.

If this happened to an adult, they would sue and get compensation, for the emotional damage/trauma , left behind/caused.

I think that you need to discuss this with some you can trust, not a school mum friend, perhaps your DH, DM?

Then use self help to work through your feelings and realise that they no longer have the power to hurt you, or your children.

I think even if you can stand near a few of the friendly mums and just say hello to these women with your head held high, show that you are a bigger and better person than them. (Honestly I do know how difficult and terrifying it is) but don't let them intimidate you

Op can you speak to someone about this? A counsellor may be able to help you get through some of it and devise some coping strategies for if you see them.

Bunch of cunts...sorry you are going through this op. Bad enough they bullied you, to try and hurt you and your dc is unforgivable and puts them firmly in the 'shitty person's box.

I would also have a word with the teacher, don't name named yet but make it clear that you were bullied and intimidated a few years back by a couple of the mums who you've recently seen again. Just ask them to keep an eye out for anyone bullying your Dr because you won't have her going through what you did.

Thank you again.
I feel like my safe world has been invaded. I thought I was over it all, but this has just made me think it will never go away.
I will try to stick with the Mums I know, and be a bit more confident with them. I always feel people don't want me around and are just being kind.
This is feeling like school all over again, staying with others and pretending they aren't getting to me

I would try your best to stand tall, shoulders back and look them straight in the eye. Look confident on through outside even if you don't feel it on the inside. That is key to making them think you are not afraid. No more apologies if you bump into them, just look aloof, head held high.

Bullies pick on people who lack confidence so you needto exude confidence (perhaps sign up to an assertiveness class).

I second letting the school know without naming names. If they lay one finger on you, I would contact the police straight away giving history.

I was bullied at school to the point that they tried to push me down some stairs. 5 years later when I'd moved schools and had tonnes of friends and lots of confidence I bumped into one of them on my own. I stood tall, gave her a death stare and she couldn't get away from me quick enough. Not so big when it was one to one.

Good luck x

I don't mean to sound needy but how would I go about finding a counsellor or assertiveness class?
I will really try to be more confident. I am struggling to lose weight at the moment which doesn't help. I am usually trying to fade into the background because I hate the way I look at the moment.
I feel like I am leading a double life, DH, and my family see this 'together' me but when I am on my own I am so weak. I avoid leaving the house if I can.

The younger me (sorry, I don't know how old you are) would likely have reacted the same as you .. . BUT the older me that I now am would have none of her crap and next time she looks at you like shit on her shoe say sweetly (or sarcastically, up to you) "Oh, do you have a strange smell on your top lip?"

Nasty bullying young people (teenagers) tend to become nasty bullying adults Im afraid but the trick is to either ignore or tell exactly what you think of them , smile and walk away ... I hope it sorts itself out . .I despise bullying.

What a horribly difficult situation for you OP, I'm not surprised you feel like your world has been rocked.

I'm going to assume that the bullies, for want of a better word, are now adults and behave as such. I hope to God they have grown out of their foul behaviour and are embarrassed. That said I can't imagine you are going to be friends, and I understand your concerns for your dc.

Personally I think the best thing you can do is focus on you, and your kids. Losing weight is fine, but there are plenty of larger ladies who are happy the way they are, and plenty thin ones who hate their bodies, and vice versa. It is not the only answer.

There is nothing wrong with you and you did not deserve to be bullied, nor are you a target for bullies because it has happened before. Stand tall, smile and try asking another nursery mum to go to the park, or a play and coffee at yours; let your kids know what a fun happy time school should be without letting them know your fears; and be kind to yourself.

Personally if they caught my eye I would call out "hi" as I breezed pass them, with a cheery smile, as if I wasn't sure where I knew them from but recalled their faces from somewhere.

Chin up and good luck.

This makes me so I hate bullying. Re counselling or assertiveness you could try Relate, they support people with a range of issues. Or tgere is an organisation called Bullying UK which a friend used for a workplace issue. I second what everyone has said about standing tall and facing them down. I'm sorry you haven't got anyone to face them with you, I will be with you in spirit giving them evils

I think your feelings are very valid...I too was bullied mercilessly and it is horrible. I didnt see the bullies for years and when i did, I was an adult but instantly went back to being a teenager again. I was terrified. I was also bullied in the workplace and its incredibly difficult to let go of old habits, fading into the background in the hope you are not noticed.

I agree maybe counselling is an option and there can sometimes be quite a waiting list for these..I would approach your GP and ask for a referral.

In the meantime, do not allow them to take hold again, you are an adult now, with years more experience in your head. Stand tall and face them down...if i learned anything from being bullied it was the ability to outwardly project that I am fine and in control, nothing is fazing me, while inside I am folding like a cheap tent from argos! The first time you stand tall and hold that head high, let them see that you will not allow them to intimidate you anymore, will be one of the most powerful moments in your life. You can do it OP

I bet my bottom dollar these douchebags are even more worried than you.
What if you let it slip that these respectable mums reversed into a heavily pregnant woman and knocked her over.....

Just sayin'.....

Keep it in reserve.

^^ exactly :)

I mean, the thing I'M mortified about from my late teens is my appalling taste in clothes, make-up, men and glam rock.

Not intimidating a pregnant woman with a fucking car.
I Should imagine most of the populace is with me on that. These cows are about to reap what they sowed. OP doesn't have to say a word, but she could.

I would be fucking furious if I thought that a fellow mum was feeling threatened at school due to bullies that had made her life a misery. I'd be standing tall with her every day. But I wouldn't necessarily do that unless I knew about the situation - I might just think you were a bit quiet - prefer to keep yourself to yourself or something - so leave you to it a lot of the time iykwim?

The reason you feel like the other mums don't want you around is because these bullies have made you believe it over the years. Talk to whoever you're closest to - one of the mums who seems friendly enough and has the confidence you wish you had, etc. Share your story - get her on-side and develop the confidence you need with a bit of support on the front line?

I'm so furious on your behalf.

what slimjim said - they are truly awful people to do that to a pregnant woman - you are far, far better than them. Keep your head up and don't let them intimdate you. Explain to your husband again (and again) just how bad this has bad this meeting has made you fell. Tell him you need a hug.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. It really means a lot to me. I am certainly going to look into counselling.
I am also going to speak to DH about how I really feel rather than putting on a happy face all the time.

"Oh, hi, (massive wanker)! What are you driving these days?"

You can do it. You might be like that flimsy Argos tent inside, but put on that happy face you mentioned just now.

Christ, they are utter scum.
I can't believe they did that to you and that your dh doesn't understand how traumatic it is for you.
Avoid them, stick with the mums you get on with and tell them what those bullies did to you. And don't take any shit from them. Adopt a haughty look that says you're rising above it, even though you may be panicking and shaky inside.
I would go and see your g.p. and ask for counselling.

I'm with minouminou - I bet more than anything they were completely taken aback by seeing you again and more than anything they are scared of word getting around that they were so vile and despicable as to run over a pregnant woman.

I definitely think you should look into counselling. I was bullied as a teenager and I only started being able to put it behind me and build up some self esteem after counselling last year (I'm 26). I don't know how I would feel if I saw my bullies now but I know back then I would have felt like a helpless 13 year old all over again. You have been through a trauma where you were let down by the people who should have been protecting you and you have never really had the chance to process that. You are stuck in the mindset of a terrified teenager and you need help to move past that. I agree with your DH in that they are very unlikely to do anything to you now they are adults with children, but it doesn't mean your feelings aren't perfectly valid after what you've been through.

When they were heavily pregnant themselves, I wonder if they thought back to what they did to you when you were.

If you are very frightened and feel that you are in danger from these women, is it too late to talk to the police about that incident when you were pregnant? I'm asking cos I don't know how the law works here but I think it is totally unfair that they have gotten away with the abuse they meted out to you.