To be still scared of bullies 17 years later?

[NotMeNoWay]

DH thinks I am.
Was bullied badly at school for three years by a large group of girls. Started with name calling and giggling, moved on to throwing food and spitting at me, then to pulling hair, drawing pictures of my corpse etc then finally I was attacked and beaten up.
I tolled teachers before it got violent but they did nothing, just said it was normal. The bullies were jealous of me.
After the violence my head of year had me and them in his office and made me say to their faces what I thought should happen.
Police, excluded, suspended, detention. I was petrified and chose detention. My parents went mad but I played it down as I didn't want repercussions and felt like a failure for being unlikeable.
I left school at 16 early in the final year, you could then.
Was pg with DD at 18 and walking to the doctors at 8 months pg when I saw a few of them getting into a car. They saw me, and the driver reversed her car right up to me knocking me over. It wasn't at speed and I wasn't really hurt just shaken and upset. I did nothing about it.
Fast forward 15 years and my 3rd chld has just started pre-school. It's a lovely school, my older DC love/ loved it.
I was walking him back when I bumped into someone coming through the school gate. I looked up to apologise and saw two of them taking their children to nursery. They looked at me just like they used to like dirt. I was frozen and felt petrified.
I don't feel safe anymore, like they will know where I live. I feel my DC might be in danger from theirs. I am worried they'll be in the same class.
DH thinks I'm worrying over nothing, they are grown ups with children.
I feel stupid and scared again.

Sorry been dealing with a very grumpy 21 month old

I am certainly to look into counselling. I always think I'm not 'bad' enough to get help.
Opal I thought about that too, I really hope they regret what they did to me.

I don't know DunedinGirl the car incident was 15 years ago. I suppose I should have gone to the police at the time. I was just so horrified that after two years they still hated me enough to do that. I was obviously pregnant too.

I found with one of my bullies (who was a boy) when I had to serve him in a shop I worked in a couple of years later was to smile,hold my head high..whilst keeping steely eye contact and speak as if I didn't even remember him...'taking back the power' so that he was NOT important!..whilst still keeping major eye to eye with him with my 'I ain't EVER taking your b***t AGAIN face. It was the same when I was bullied at work by 2 team leaders....After leaving I saw the sad,pathetic mare at a residents funeral...sat alone, embarrassed, scared and with no-one around her....The compassionate side of me said 'go comfort her' the strong side of me said 'she showed YOU no mercy....The strong side won!!! and I left her sad, pathetic, arse on that cold wooden bench where it belonged!....2 weeks before Christmas our trollies nearly had a head on in Morrisons...I looked straight through her!! Please NotMeNoWay get some assertive training! and see these pathetic bullies for what they are. Once you take their 'power' away you will finally have peace and regain your self esteem. GOOD LUCK xxxxx

Wow salsmum well done! you sound very brave and strong. Well done and thank you.

NotMeNoWay I lost my Father aged 2 when he died aged 41 from an accident; I was bullied at school because I didn't have a Dad (Primary) I was called names and tripped up on my way home (every step) I still remember older girls telling me to pull my knickers down! in the middle of the playground ( I didn't) so got hit. I used to stand up to bullies who picked on my older brother because he stuttered (shock of seeing our Dad killed aged 4). When I went to secondary school I was targeted (even by a certain teacher) because my brother wouldn't fight! It was a 'sink or swim' situation. I also didn't seem to have the 'right' clothes...ironically my brother used to beat me with the dog chain while my Mum worked to pay the mortgage...once giving me a black eye...One day I plucked a decorative sword off the wall and threatened my brother with it ( I'd had enough of being his punch bag). From that day on he NEVER laid a finger on me but would still torment me endlessly...The day he moved to the States was the best day of my life. Now we get along o.k. although he still knows how to wind me up Because of my daughters disabilities (C.P.) I have learnt to be strong and have worked as a carer with people with disabilities and the elderly i.e. 'vulnerable people' and have found my 'niche'. I suppose that protecting those that are vulnerable gives me the strength to fight past demons myself and handle certain situations that are challenging. Maybe if you can NotMe, you could also look at voluntary work in the future with vulnerable people as a way to build your confidence too. Just remember NOBODY should be bullied for whatever reason...you are a valued person so please don't think that what they did to you was your fault or that you deserve to be treated that way. The late Patrick Swayze was actually bullied because he used to do ballet dancing when he was younger..I certainly hope his abusers watched EVERY MINUTE of Dirty Dancing.

Fuck they really are despicable. I reckon THEY are shit scared of it getting out that they did that to a pregnant woman - not many people will want to associate with someone who is capable of doing that.

I was bullied for years, and was like you until one day, I realised that I held the power over them - if I came across them, I could easily tell everyone that knows them what sort of people they actually are. What they are in my case are people who found it amusing to physically abuse someone who had been sexually abused at a VERY young age, had their father kill themselves when they were 10yo, and was being physically abused at home by an alcoholic parent.

That makes them scummier than scum.

There WASN'T anything wrong with me, other than the misfortune to be born to an alcoholic mother with little regard to her boyfriend's preference for 4yo's and a father that had been sexually abused himself and couldn't deal with if, and the sheer misfortune to end up at school with some fucking warped bastards.

Once I realised that it was ME that had the power to demolish THEIR life if I told anyone they knew what they were really like, I wasn't bothered by them any more.

Now, I have actually come face to face with one of them, and when she gave me that 'look' that years ago would have me feeling inadequate, like I was less than the shit on her shoe, I just looked right back at her like that, and turned and walked away. One of my other friends said that the woman went pale!

I never DID tell anyone, because I'M not in the business of destroying other people's lives, I leave that to the sicko bullies. But it felt good to know that I could but that I was better than that IYSWIM. It was kind of like an 'insurance'.

In your case, it's SO extreme, that I would tell one or more of the mums that you are getting close to, and explaining that because of the systematic abuse that ended in them running a car into you whilst you were obviously pregnant, you feel scared around them.

Any decent person will be so by what they did that they will do their best to protect you from these people.

I am in awe of both of you. You have dealt with so much but are still so strong. Thank you for your support.
salsmum you make a good point about being strong around vulnerable people.
You have reminded me that I can be brave, I stopped a man from kicking his heavily pregnant girlfriend a couple of years ago when large male bystanders were just gawping and I was pregnant myself.
I also stopped a fight that started right in front of me and my DC as we were walking home. My kids were scared and I wanted to protect them without thinking I told the men off as if they were toddlers and marched one of them up the road. My 13 yo was amazed.

I wouldn't say hello to them. They sound deranged. I would completely ignore them and if they start any trouble I would let people know exactly what they did. And I would call the police on them like a shot if they do anything remotely illegal towards you again. They are cowards, stupid ignorant cowards.

Actually I would tell any of the mums you are close to about them now, so that you have support and dont have to go it alone.

what Brian said.

They hit you with a fucking car! You cannot trivialise that..

They hit you with a fucking car! You cannot trivialise that..

I know. This is really giving me the rage . How fucking dare they? I reckon they might have gone down for that. Seriously, is it too late to do anything about that? Can it still be reported, and these women at least get a warning?

Brian is right.
Please don't give them the satisfaction of a "hello". It gives them the impression that what they did to you was justified or OK and that you are desperate to be their friend.
If they want to apologise to you, they can approach you.

You don't owe them anything. They are cunts. Vile, nasty, evil, scummy CUNTS who deserve to be vilified and even avenged.
However, you are better than that and you must remember that you have moved on. You have your family now and you're not that person you used to be. You have power now.

I had a horrible encounter with a mother once and, by the law of Sod, I seem to run into her about twice a day! You know what though? I can't see her!! I have told myself that she is equivalent to a "nothing" or, at most, a hologram and I can see right through her! It's great! I keep my head held high and walk on.

If they dare to speak to you in a way that's intimidating or unkind or you, I would tell them that they might have got away with it before but that was a lifetime ago for you and that you'll take no more shit. Tell them you'll get the school and police involved if they try to cause trouble.

You're obviously a wonderful person and life is way too damn short to be intimidated by scum of the earth. Look forwards, not backwards and have pride in yourself. You're amazing.

I think I am going to tell one of the Mums I talk to. She is a very assertive person and takes no nonsense and is chair of the PTA so knows everyone.
I found her a bit intimidating until I got to know her.
I won't tell her the full extent of it, I will keep that as insurance like CouthyMow suggested. I don't want to try and turn the whole playground against them. Well I do, but that would make me as bad as them.

I would tell her that they ran you over.

You're right to not tell everyone at the moment.

I think maybe we could have a bully/adult bully topic set up because when you are victimised at an early age you can still bare the scars in adult life...it seems to me also that like CouthyMow it seems that its the poor kids who have 'other issues' to deal with at home (like me) who are usually the targets of these scumbags. I think we can support others who have had to deal with this too. NotMeNoWay I think becoming a Mother has given you the strength/power that you don't realise you have! On both occasions when you have stepped forward and been brave you have done so to protect an unborn child (woman was pregnant) or you have protected your own...I don't think these nasty bullies have a cat in hells chance of intimidating you around the school or around your children..there is definitely a lioness in you!! and I know that you will NEVER let these bullies 'scar' your children the way they scared you!..I was once in a shopping centre when my DD and DS were younger, I noticed a large group of youths sitting along a wall pointing and laughing at my DD who is disabled...after I assessed that it was definitely my DD who was the target of their fun. I asked my then 10 year old DS to stay with my DD (keeping them in sight- @ 8 feet away) and marched up to the ringleader and demanded to know what he thought was funny about a 6 year old disabled child??? they were all and they suddenly had nothing to say ....although my DS was quite embarrassed they are now grown adults who have strong values and thankfully would never be/become bullies/bullied! I do see that strength in you NotMe where your children are concerned. I don't think its a particularly good idea to tell the whole playground...unless these bitches try it on again. sending these for all those beautiful,innocent children who had/have miserable childhoods .

Your OP implies that your older DCs have been going to the school/pre-school for years. And the bullies have first DCs just starting at the pre-school.

This would mean that you are well-known at the school, and they are not.

My suggestion would be to ask to speak to the Head and the Pre-School Manager. Tell them all about it, tell them your fears that their kids will start on yours, ask them to watch the interaction. They know you, they will believe you. Then tell the most gossipy Mum at the school gate

Im so sorry. I was bullied too. Not as badly as you but its just awfull.

I'm really sorry to hear that, it's awful. Hugs. (Even if not very MN).

Just wanted to quickly say that I experienced bullying and intimidation at work years ago, I ended up taking panic attacks. Had terrible migraines all the time.

I went to the doctor about the headaches and stress. He wasn't very sympathetic (same doctor failed to diagnose, over several years, my mum's severe fibroids)
Anyway, he prescribed betablockers for the migraines. U quickly discovered that they slow the heartbeat down and made me feel very calm.

After a couple of weeks, I had dealt with my own reactions to the bullying and was able to confront my boss about it, though I was extremely pleasant about it!

I stopped taking them after that, and the migraines stopped as the cause had been removed.

Might be worth talking to your doctor about??? You can get a very low dose of 10mg.

It's just a thought, might help you through a tight spot till you become more confident. They helped me to deal with it. Lots of people take them for exams, driving tests, flying etc.

I don't mean that tablets are a solution, but in my case (I ended up feeling like I wasn't even able to hang out my washing effectively, never mind teach a class) , they reat helped me get over the really hard part, and find the strength within myself that had been eroded so badly.

Sending you hugs, again. Hope this helps. (All very unmumsnetty but appropriate, I think)

Sorry for the typos, boys jumping one just now!

Jumping ON ME, not ONE!!! More typos!!!

I am sure you would receive a lot of support and sympathy from other mothers if they were aware of the situation, I would be absolutely horrified if I was told about something like this. So tell someone at school, the mum you feel closest to

Your DH is being really quite unsupportive

Yep...I agree you should have a think about which of the nice mums you should tell. You just need a couple of pivotal, down to earth ones. Don't mention any names until you have to, or you could look like you're stirring (to a bunch if wankers, that is....).

How are you feeling OP? How has it been going to the school these last two days?

I am so sorry that you experienced such trauma at a young age.

I agree that you should report the mothers. If they do cross your path, keep your head up and look through them.

I was badly bullied at secondary school, not physically though.

I have had the last laugh;

Bumped into one of the popular, loud mouthed girls who I was not fit to stand next to at school. Whilst she did not bully me, she laughed when others did. She looked alot older and worn in than me. I introduced her to my dh, she then informed me she was a single parent with three kids and was studying.

One of my bullies worked in my office on another floor thank goodness. She approached me assuming I would recognise her. I did but played dumb. She stood there for 10 mins listing the class she was in, who she was friends with. I loved every minute of it! Even now she goes out of her way to say hello whether I am close by or not.

Another bully lives in my home town and I have stood next to her on the bus. I look right through her and feel absolutely nothing yet was petrified of her at school. I still remember us changing for gym and she walked around randomly picking on girls for no reason. I would stand there anxiously hoping she would walk past me. Everybody was scared of her except the girls she hung around with. Horrible memories that have scarred me.