Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to ask for help in expaining this to DD?

90 replies

herethereandeverywhere · 23/01/2014 22:34

I've posted here for the traffic and because it doesn't quite fit in any other topic I can think of.

DD1 is 4.3. When she was delivered by Keillands forceps she was left permanently scarred on her face (a sort of circular gouge mark beside her eye). It started off quite small but is growing with her so proportionally will always be about the size of the pupil in her eye.

I hate that she has to bear that for no good reason and I hate her botched tortuous birth looking back at me every day, mostly because I'd protected her inside me for 9 months and in my first job, to deliver her safely I didn't protect her from that.

I have always known that one day she will ask me about it but I hadn't really prepared myself for what to say. Anyway, today was the day. As she looked in the mirror she said 'mummy look at that funny circle by my eye. Can you see it? It looks like someone has dug it out.' I froze and just hugged her and tried not to get upset in front of her.

I know that children suffer far worse than this and I know it's what's on the inside that counts etc. but this guts me and I just don't know how to approach it with DD. At the moment she's obviously not bothered by it but she might be as she gets older and more self-conscious. I wanted to sue the hospital so that when she was old enough I could say that the money was for what they did to her but DH is dead against and I'm not sure I have it in me to do that.

Any ideas? I think IANBU to ask but probably will be found U on other counts!

OP posts:

sashh · 24/01/2014 08:43

What FudgefaceMcZ said.

Children are not bothered by scars, it's no different to a freckle or a skin tag to her.

You see it as a scar, she just sees it as part of her.

MammaTJ · 24/01/2014 08:51

My DS is 7 and has a droopy eye lid and three scars above from subsequent operations due to a similar mishandled birth! I would not sue though, as they delivered him safely and he is alive, well and happy!

I believe three years is the cut off point anyway!

He says he has a naughty eye that doesn't open properly! It does affect his sight, he has poorer eye sight in that eye and no 3D vision or depth perception!

I am posting this in the hope of helping you gain some perspective!

EauRouge · 24/01/2014 08:51

It does sound like you're still traumatised. Have you tried contacting the Birth Trauma Association? They might be able to help you. I'm sorry that you haven't had much support so far. Please don't blame yourself for how the birth went.

Do you think the scar bothers you more than it bothers your DD, because it is a constant reminder of what happened?

Mama1980 · 24/01/2014 08:53

I agree with everyone else I think you may benefit from talking this through with a counsellor, if only to help you talk to your daughter without 'wanting to howl.'
For what it's worth My sons were born at 26 and 24 weeks respectively and both have scars from surgery, needles etc. when my eldest now 6 asked I simply said from treatment to save his life, in my experience children are not bothered by scars. He isn't at all.
I myself am scarred extensively including on my face and children love my scars, always ask questions. What You look like is utterly irrelevant. Which I think is what you need to impress on your dd. I know it's hard and you have justifiably anger that the scar exists at all, but she doesn't and so long as you just make no issue of it it won't be one for her.

hiccupgirl · 24/01/2014 09:43

I had a deep purple mark down the left side of my nose and a matching mark on the right side of my skull from a forceps birth 40 yrs ago. It also left me with permanent damage to the inside of my nose which means it is still painful to touch or push now. The purple mark has faded a lot over the years but is still there.

My mu just told me that I got stuck when I was being born and the doctor had to pull me out with a big pair of metal hands. I thought that was really cool and the marks are just a part of me that makes me who I am.

I would def agree that you sound like you need some proper counselling to help you get past the trauma of your DD's birth and the scarring and to avoid your DD seeing it as a negative thing.

Twentyducks · 24/01/2014 09:45

So sorry about your story.
I agree you should downplay it for your daughter who is unlikely to be very bothered by it.
However, I would consider suing for your sake. If you can't get counselling on the NHS then if you got some compensation money you could pay privately.

ShadowOfTheDay · 24/01/2014 09:53

please remember you child is a girl....

it is a long way off, but she may have children herself.... don't make her frightened of childbirth..

wyldchyld · 24/01/2014 10:00

Your daughter is not bothered by this mark at all. She asked about it in a "what's that" kind of way. It is you who is bothered because you feel you didn't have the birth that you deserved and for that reason, you need to look at counselling or you will be bitter or twisted forever.

The forceps delivery may well have saved her life or prevented a great deal of damage to your DD - you have already said that she was not gonna get born "naturally". A CS is not appropriate for everyone - you don't know what signs of distress she may or may not have been showing. Plus, forceps births can be very positive in that you do not have the extended recovery time of CS.

Suing will achieve nothing and YABU to want to. What would you use the money for? She's not bothered by the scar and getting it "fixed" would just make her feel negative about it and her face. Plus, you're just taking money from the NHS which is there to benefit us all because you feel hard done by. I don't believe you'd be successful in court - the injury to your daughter is miniscule and does not affect her life. The doctor acted in the way he believed was appropriate - you have no proof he used forceps just to "save statistics". If it was necessary for you to have a CS, you'd have had one. You have a DD who is safe and well and not affected by her birth. Stop talking about suing.

SlowlorisIncognito · 24/01/2014 11:18

My mother had a very traumatic birth with me, including a failed forceps delivery. It ended with her having an emergancy c-section. I have a (now fairly invisible) forceps scar on my forehead. A lot of the time I forget it is there and I'm not bothered by it at all. Your daughter will end up with other scars over her lifetime, and it's important that you don't make her feel like they are something to be ashamed of.

Just tell her what happened in an age appropriate way. I feel like I have always known the scar came from forceps, and I have always been ok with that.

It sounds like a tiny scar, and I'm sure it won't have any lasting affects on your DD.

prettybutclumpy · 24/01/2014 11:26

It was not your "job" to deliver her safely! A birth is (almost always) a team effort, and all sorts of complications arise which are not anyone's fault.

“Some people see scars, and it is wounding they remember. To me they are proof of the fact that there is healing.”

I think you need to take some positive steps to heal yourself from the trauma of her birth and move forward.

prettybutclumpy · 24/01/2014 11:27

Realised you asked for help with discussing the scar with your daughter. Lots of good advice up above, and try not to show your feelings about it when you talk about it.

bodygoingsouth · 24/01/2014 11:36

I agree with so much here but as someone who is in the process of sueing for my own dds injuries can I add it's extremely cathartic for both her and us as she gets the chance for councelling paid for by the lawyers, and has had excellent physical assessments also paid for by lawyers.

it's not shameful to want compensation. dd will have the money when she is 18 and we see it as helping her in a small way to get over things.

I know your particular case is different as your dd is young but you may be able to get councelling for yourself paid by the lawyers.

hope you heal op, you sound very traumatised and it's no good posters telling you it's not your fault, you think it is ( it is not) but as a parent you Aiways feel you should protect your child. you can't of course but you feel it. councelling helped me see that.

MimsyBorogroves · 24/01/2014 11:41

DS1 has a similar scar on his cheekbone, but it isn't noticeable until he smiles, when it dimples.

When he asked me about it (at a similar age) I explained that he needed some help being born, and that he was helped out by some doctors. I gave him a vague idea by demonstrating using two spoons and an egg.

He was quite matter of fact about it when he'd heard the explanation.

FWIW, I also have a forceps scar - it looks like a big bruise down the side of my face if the light catches it right. My mum gave me a similar explanation.

KatyN · 24/01/2014 11:41

My boy is 2.2 and knows he was poorly and went in a nee naw (ambulance). I point out the little scar he has on his side which looks like a snake bite but was actually where the chest drain was in.

I've written about my son's birth in his baby book because it was a pretty big event which impacted his first 2 years and his milestones etc. It took me a long time to find the words I wanted to use that explained it but not in graphic details. these are the same words I'll use when he asks me about it when he's older.

I would be honest with her, talk about why it's there and how she's special. It may take a while before you can talk about it happily (!!!) and I think if a sneaky tear rolls out you can just explain that she was a bit poorly (stuck whatever word you fancy) and the doctors had to help her out.

I'm off to look up the birth trauma website though..(thanks for the recommendation). Someone asked me about it last night and whilst I am totally calm about it 95 percent of the time I started bawling in a restaurant!!

be gentle with yourself k

Lancelottie · 24/01/2014 11:45

I'm Queen of the OverReactors, but honestly, my children have what sound like much bigger scars than this and largely from genuinely neglectful parenting.

DD has a one-inch, slightly puckered scar down her chin and cheek from tripping and cutting her face open on a toy.

DS fell and bit a chunk from his own lip, so he has a triangular white scar across it.

They aren't traumatised by these at all. Just slightly irritated occasionally.

I'm wondering, though, whether this is a bigger scar than we are all picturing? Did you mean the pupil or something more like the iris of her eye? I can see that the latter might be more noticeable.

starlight1234 · 24/01/2014 11:51

Agree with everyone else...You need to give a simple factual answer...but yes you do need help..You needed help with the delivery ..This is not your fault or the fault of the staff..She is here safely and sounds like no other problems than a small scar...

Binkyridesagain · 24/01/2014 11:53

My DS has a scar under his eye that is only really noticeable when he smiles, its about 1.5" crescent shape. He got it because I took my eye off him for a couple of seconds and he fell on to a watering can spout, he's sported it not for nearly 15 years, its just part of him.

DH has a 6" scar running up his face, it has shaped his cheek, he fell through a glass door when he was 12months old. It is very noticeable, when people ask what he's done, he gives them some stupid story, Barking pack of wolves, fought a shark, crocodile wrestling. Making up stories has kept him very entertained over the years.

If you don't make a big deal about them to your children, they become an accepted part of who they are.

JessieMcJessie · 24/01/2014 11:54

OP re suing, as a previous poster has said, you'd be unlikely to be able to show much of a compensable loss since (thank goodness) she only ended up with a small scar. The civil courts do not award punitive damages. I say this as a lawyer, though not a med neg specialist. However to put this idea to rest I suggest you book a consultation with a med neg specialist lawyer who will tell you straight about the merits of the case. England is not the US, a lawyer will not mislead you just to fleece you on fees.

JessieMcJessie · 24/01/2014 11:54

AmazingJumper · 24/01/2014 11:55

I think it's good that they're trying to keep the CS rates down.

You seem to see the scar as symbolising all that was wrong with the birth.

It's a horrible feeling when your child is scarred, but it's not normal to be so traumatised years later.

I think that people are suggesting counselling as a way of separating your feelings about the birth from this scar.

OTheHugeManatee · 24/01/2014 13:31

So sorry about your story. Freezing when it's mentioned sounds like a strong trauma response though, and I say that as a practising psychotherapist. Medical trauma is much more common than people think, after all birth is extreme enough at the best of times - let alone when there are complications.

Even if you can't get help on the NHS I would strongly recommend you consider sensorimotor psychotherapy, or somatic experiencing therapy. These are both very gentle, body-based ways of addressing the natural 'fight or flight' physiological reactions that are often left unprocessed after an extreme experience.

Also just to say that recommending therapy is not to say there were no grounds to sue, or to minimise your anger at what happened to you. But to me it sounds as though your child's small scar is standing for your own, less visible scars. IMO iit will be in your interests and those of your child to get some treatment.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/01/2014 14:08

Please don't blame yourself it will be her tale to tell and not a stigma by which to be embarrassed or ashamed.

My DM had a scar from boiling milk, I have a scar from a swing, DD has a chicken pox scar - all these happened in infancy. Otherwise models of perfection in every way, naturally. I do not wish to minimise your upset and if you can I hope you can talk this through with a professional.

24again · 24/01/2014 14:16

As someone with a very obvious, and fairly large, facial birthmark I wouldn't worry about your daughter at all. She will be fine as long as you don't make a massive deal about it.
You need to let go of all the anger around the birth though. You are fine and your daughter if fine. It would have better if things had been different but you can't change the past. It is not your fault that she has a scar.

MiaowTheCat · 24/01/2014 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idespair · 24/01/2014 14:27

I would be really honest and straightforward. Something like:

(Presuming that she knows a baby grows inside mummy's tummy and comes out when grown enough)

When you were coming out of mummy, you got a bit stuck, so the doctor used some tongs to help pull you out. (Show her some kitchen tongs or something so reassure her it's not a scary thing, for her at least, and show her the tongs pulling on something in the kitchen). You could show her tongs making a mark on a banana or similar.

It's really important that you don't tell it to her like its a sad story. (I'm sorry, I know it is for you). Be quite casual and upbeat and tell her it's fine and if she wants to discuss it then she can always ask you.

I have a scar on my face from an accident when I was about 4. I don't ever think about it and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. My mum was far more conscious of it than me and took me to see a person who showed me how to cover it with makeup when I was a teenager but actually I never bothered covering it because it doesn't bother me. I always knew how it happened and I had an operation at the time which clearly was stressful for my parents but it was not for me. Hopefully your dd will feel the same.

Flip

1 2 3 4