To think 26 is not too old to change your mind about having children?

[FlatFacedArmy]

On another forum I frequent, a post got me thinking. It was the fairly usual scenario where one partner wanted children and the other did not. The partner who did not was a 26 year old woman. Most of the comments were the usual "why did you not discuss this before getting into a serious relationship" and "break up with him now before you waste any more of his time", and "join childfree clubs to meet like-minded people".

There was a single comment which was heavily flamed for suggesting that 26 was still young to make decisions for a future based on not-wanting children, as although it's an unpopular opinion, she may yet change her mind. I broadly agree with it tbh. IMO it's between the ages of 28-30 that your friends start having children, and serious careers, and partying all weekend loses its appeal. Not to mention you suddenly become aware of all the media reports on women's declining fertility once you're in the right age range.

I know there are women who have ALWAYS wanted children from early teens. I know there are women who have NEVER wanted children from early teens. But I think 26 is still on the young side to be in the latter camp, that there is plenty of time to change your mind. Particularly because this poster seemed ambivalent ("I said maybe we could adopt/I don't want to go through labour/I can't see myself as a mum") rather than hating children and proclaiming herself happily childfree and other keywords.

This is the biggest community of well-educated women I know with a broad range of ages. I would never say outright "You'll change your mind!" to a women who is adamant she doesn't want children, but I do admit to smiling indulgently if she is under 28 when she says it. AIBU?

Did you experience a change in your attitudes to having children as you got closer to your 30s? I didn't want children til I was 28 and became pregnant at 29. I'm one of the younger mothers in my circle of playgroups etc, the others are early 30s. I went from "ugh, my God, I couldn't do that" to "actually having children looks like a great adventure."

Yes it happened aged 29!

Yanbu. 26 is still quite young to be adamant about this.

Never, never, never wanted children at all (bleurgh!). Then I hit 31 and had my DD at 33. Best thing I ever did despite being called a geriatric primigravida!

Potentially it is not too old to change your mind.

But it is a dangerous game to get into a serious relationship with someone who says they don't want children (when you do), holding onto the idea that they may change their mind.

being childfree doesn't mean being the sodding child catcher.

I did want kids when I was younger. Changed my mind in my late 20s.

I dunno, sometimes people just know and it isn't wise to wait around for someone else to change their mind, when the decision affects your future so.

At 26 you absolutely can be sure.

I'd rather leave and find someone likeminded than waste time on a what if.

It's possible that she might change her mind. But I also think IF two people are not agreed on whether or not to have children, it's not fair for one to effectively string the other along by saying "I'm too young and I might change my mind later".

I married my husband at 22 and before we decided to get married we made sure we were on the same page regarding children. Had we not been, I don't think the relationship would have lasted, that's me being entirely honest. I know it's young but I knew I wanted marriage and children and although he might have changed his mind later, he also might not, and then where would I be? He could have kept saying "maybe later" right into our thirties.

I made the decision at 24 i didn't want anymore children. I do get moments of broodiness but I still don't want another baby.

46 would be too late.
36 would probably be pushing it.
26? 26?! I call that "not having decided yet" like most people I know.

26? 26?! I call that "not having decided yet" like most people I know.

So why can't a women at that age 100% know she doesn't want children. I work with at least 10 women who never wanted children they are now 45+ never regretted the decision.

I think a man who wants DCs with a woman who says she doesnt at 26 does have 5 or so years to see if she changes her mind and find someone else (younger) who does. The other way round, a woman with a man with a man who doesn't want DCs should get out fast, she's on a tighter deadline.

If someone at 26 said "yeah probably" we would accept that and wouldn't push for a definitive answer. "No, I don't think so" should be equally respected.

And although I'd take at face value a "ooh yes at least two" or "hell no" at 26, I wouldn't be surprised if the opposite transpired in the end.

I never particularly wanted children, OH did. I only ever wanted a cat, OH didn't want a cat as they were too much responsibility. I ended up having DS1 when I was 31 and DS2 at 37.

I did get my cat in the end though.

My sister always knew that she NEVER EVER wanted children. She has no kids and two cats. Not sure she even wanted a cat TBH.

Yanbu!

I've known from about the age of 8 that I want dc...never ever thought i wouldn't...would've had them at 14 if I could! !.Unfortunately it may not happen but I've always been very clear in myself that I want dc

a dear friend of mine has always been equally adamant she didn't want dc...in our group of friends it's always been very known that she didn't want them - I've never known someone so adamant about something!
Until aged 32 she suddenly changed her mind. ..3 dc later and she's as shocked as the rest of us that she changed her mind!

Completely and utterly against having children. Ever. DP always wanted them, so before we got serious I said it would never happen. He chose me anyway. At 29 the old biological clock kicked in. We now have an 8 year old :)

I was 37 when I changed my mind!

Hubby was 27 when he decided he was ready.

In the situation you describe, I would say the partner that does want children shouldn't hang around in the hope that she changes her mind. You 'smiling indulgently' implies that you think she will definitely change her mind. Increasingly, that is not true, especially amongst the well educated women that you say populate this website. I think the statistic currently runs at 40% of educated women aged 40+ will never have children. The trajectory is upwards so it may hit 50% by the time she is 40. Him waiting around for her to change her mind is a recipe for bitterness and resentment if she doesn't change her mind.

I NEVER wanted any children from age zero right up until around 32 when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

At 26 I def didn't want children, at 33 I started thinking it might be something I did want, at 37 I had my DS.

Some people do def know what they want at 26 but from personal experience my ideas changed a lot once the idea of never having children was getting closer to being a reality due to my age. But this isn't the case for all women - 1 friend of mine got sterilised at 35 as she def never wanted children.

I knew I never wanted children and was sterilised at the age of 29. Now 49 and never had a moment's regret.

I'm glad my GP took me seriously, at least!

There are 8 women in my team at work - aged from early 30s to 60s. Only two have DC - all of them grown up now. Both are divorced and give every appearance of being no more happy than us barren spinster types.

I never wanted children. Never ever ever.

DS was a, eh hmm, surprise and I wouldn't change a thing now but I don't want anymore children. I was broody for a couple of months last year, probably more wistful than anything because DS was starting nursery etc.

I'm 34 (today) and I definitely don't want another child

Tricky isn't it because we want to respect adult women's account of themselves, we don't want to patronise (matronise?) them by assuming they are silly little girls who don't know their own minds. But we all know from experience that a fair chunk of women who truthfully insist they don't want children at 25 will change their minds.

If my twenty-something DS wanted children and was in a relationship with a woman who didn't then I'd advise him to believe her and consider splitting up, but I wouldn't be dogmatic about it, because she might well be wrong, and he has biology on his side anyway. Mind you, (second guessing myself), that would be a pretty crappy way to behave, wouldn't it. "Happy 35th birthday darling! I'm leaving you after ten years because I thought you were going to change your mind about children but it turns out you were right all along, so I'm off to start again with a younger woman."

Happy birthday Tally !