To think 26 is not too old to change your mind about having children?

[FlatFacedArmy]

On another forum I frequent, a post got me thinking. It was the fairly usual scenario where one partner wanted children and the other did not. The partner who did not was a 26 year old woman. Most of the comments were the usual "why did you not discuss this before getting into a serious relationship" and "break up with him now before you waste any more of his time", and "join childfree clubs to meet like-minded people".

There was a single comment which was heavily flamed for suggesting that 26 was still young to make decisions for a future based on not-wanting children, as although it's an unpopular opinion, she may yet change her mind. I broadly agree with it tbh. IMO it's between the ages of 28-30 that your friends start having children, and serious careers, and partying all weekend loses its appeal. Not to mention you suddenly become aware of all the media reports on women's declining fertility once you're in the right age range.

I know there are women who have ALWAYS wanted children from early teens. I know there are women who have NEVER wanted children from early teens. But I think 26 is still on the young side to be in the latter camp, that there is plenty of time to change your mind. Particularly because this poster seemed ambivalent ("I said maybe we could adopt/I don't want to go through labour/I can't see myself as a mum") rather than hating children and proclaiming herself happily childfree and other keywords.

This is the biggest community of well-educated women I know with a broad range of ages. I would never say outright "You'll change your mind!" to a women who is adamant she doesn't want children, but I do admit to smiling indulgently if she is under 28 when she says it. AIBU?

Did you experience a change in your attitudes to having children as you got closer to your 30s? I didn't want children til I was 28 and became pregnant at 29. I'm one of the younger mothers in my circle of playgroups etc, the others are early 30s. I went from "ugh, my God, I couldn't do that" to "actually having children looks like a great adventure."

At 26 I did not want children (DH and I were engaged and had discussed the fact I didn't want children).

Got married at 27, discussed children again at 28 and realised that I had changed my mind. Am now 33 with two DC and absently mindedly think of having a third every now and again!

I decided at 25 that I didn't want children; I'm just not into them, wouldn't want the parenting lifestyle and am phobic if pregnancy and birth. At 45 I still feel the same. Before the age of about 23 I thought I'd end up married with kids, because that's the norm I suppose, but then I thought about what would actually suit me, not what was expected by society and decided to stay child-free.

I never wanted children and had to endure a lot of 'you will change your mind as you get older' type comments (in my teens), then 'wait till your body clock kicks in' (in my 20s and 30s)1. I found it intensely patronising tbh and now, at 43, I still haven't changed my mind. I realise that some people do have a change of heart, but the assumption that I didn't know what I wanted used to offend me.

26 seems plenty old enough to know your own mind. When I was 20 I dumped a bf (25) because he didn't want kids. Yes he might have changed his mind but I wasn't willing to waste my most fertile years hoping someone would change his mind.

Good thing as well, I got together with DP only a few weeks later and now have a lovely dd (14 months) and planning for another. And when Dp and I discussed a future we both knew we wanted kids, and agreed that it was a sensible deal breaker at any age.

I think YABU as you can't possibly know how every 26 year old woman is. I am a 26 year old woman, I've always wanted kids and some will be sure they don't. Some can change their mind but age isn't relevant, some woman get to 35/40 and change their mind and decide they want kids. Everyone is different.

What about the ones who definitely didn't want children in their 20s, changed their mind in their 30s and had some and now want to change their mind again? What about me them, eh? Eh????

On a serious note, if an adult woman says she doesn't want children, respect her decision and don't push her on it - and her right to change her mind at any time. Don't go all Mrs. Doyle and tell her "you will, you will, you will" - we are surrounded by messages about motherhood being an inevitable part of womanhood and I think if women reject that they should be respected, not patronised. The world is full of people of all ages who really should not have had children.

I even went to the doctors at 25 to ask them if I could be sterilised - and
they said that as I hadn't already had children it was out of the question.

ItsATIARA I see your point - IMO expressing the desire to remain child free for life is a sure fire way of not being taken seriously and being made to feel like a 'silly little girl' - and it has always been women who have made these patronising comments. I don't see why it is so difficult to accept ,someone's decision at the time on something so fundamental.

Just because some people change, doesn't mean that everyone will.

26 is old enough to know, but also young enough to change your mind.

Only the couple themselves can know if it's a deal breaker.

I do not and never have wanted kids. I might change my mind. I might not. DP is pretty ambivalent tbh but I was quite clear with him before we got serious (and we were far younger than 26) that he should assume that I won't want children, not that I might change my mind. I am fairly certain that if I suggested TTC DP would go along with it, but I'm also as sure as one can be, that he's not intending to trade me in. I could be wrong on either count, but that's life.

Decisions about whether to have kids at all / more kids can break up families, yes. That said, so can the baby years... (and many other things completely unrelated to childbearing).

I think it's old enough to know your mind but young enough to change it sits on fence :)

I'm 26 and and only 1 close friend has children. 2 are adamant they don't and the rest of us think 'hmm yes...maybe a couple...maybe in a couple of years'.

But then we've also started factoring future hypothetical children into career/studying plans...are my friends and I a particularly dull/organised bunch or is mid/late 20s the time when everyone suddenly gets a 5 year plan?

Tondelayo Spot on about being respected! Everyone has something to offer society, some people just choose to take a different path from what is perceived as the norm.

And I have never heard anyone comment if it's the other way around - if someone decides they want children no one suggests that they may change their minds.

26 yo might change her mind, but equally is plenty old enough to have made up her mind. I don't see why it is seen as too young to 'make such a huge decision', when having a child is a bigger one imo - and she'd certainly be considered old enough to make that choice, which is a more permanent one. I get that people often change their minds, but then they often don't.

I think in a relationship you have to take what the other one says and base your relationship on that, not the hope that they will change their mind, on any point. If the relationship means more than having children (or getting married etc) then stay, but that is a decision that needs to be considered - as one partner always loses. I think I would choose DH over having children (not over dc when we have them, but over having them) but I might not have married him so young. And the same applies from him to me (we have had this conversation for some reason )

26 is no age at all.

You've years yet to decide.

But I'd go for it before I was 36 or 46.

I'd love to know the stats. We all know that some women in this situation will change their minds in their thirties, and some won't, but I have no sense of what the proportions are, and how closely your likelihood of changing your mind is related to the strength of your conviction.

Mind you, I became celibate 13 years ago and 'friends' have told me that apparently it is because 'I haven't found the right man yet!'

Yay - I'm sure strength of conviction would probably feature heavily in the stats - I always just 'knew' that it wasn't for me.

A friend and I were chatting about this the other day. We were always told growing up that all women wanted children, and that one day you would suddenly wake up overwhelmed by the intense need for a child, so that's what we expected.

And to our surprise, it's never happened to either of us. We remain happily child-free as we head towards 40.

I always wanted to have my family complete by the time I was 30. I think it was because my mum had us young and I thought that was fair enough.

Happily I met DH and we've 2 lovely DC. I'm 29 and feel 'complete'.

But the amount of people (usually older women!) who constantly tell me that I'll change my mind and want a 3rd or 4th DC is unreal. Why can't they just butt out?!

OP, 26 is a good age to at least be thinking about this, yes she has time on her side to change if the situation arises.

"I even went to the doctors at 25 to ask them if I could be sterilised and they said that as I hadn't already had children it was out of the question"

I had that too Abbey but luckily I had a sympathetic GP who suggested that I frequently ask him for the procedure to show my views were consistent long term. I was 25 when I first asked him if I could be sterilised and at 28 I had the OP. At 45 I've never once regretted my decision and it's so nice not to have to worry about pregnancy.

fancy You 'smiling indulgently' implies that you think she will definitely change her mind.

Not at all, I said that because I meant I think it's not very realistic to think you definitely WON'T change your mind. Not all of the grand plans I had when I was 25/26 were right for me in the end, and I'm certainly not living the life I had planned. And Downstairs I actually think age has EVERYTHING to do with it. As soon as we start to bleed we know our reproductive days are numbered. 26 is reproductively-speaking quite young, 36 is, reproductively-speaking, getting on a bit.

I also think there's a difference between always knowing you want children and knowing you don't want children. One is a biological imperative and the other isn't, so there's more likely to be a switch towards children and far less likely to decide against them - although, like the PP above, not unheard of. The "biological clock ticking" is a common cliché. But it's a common cliché because it is common. I think it unwise to rule it out. And maybe it does sound patronising to say to a younger woman "just give it a few more years" but I think that once you are wearing those extra years, you have seen it happen often enough in your own peer group that you think changing one's mind becomes not only possible, but probable.

I am 26 and pregnant with Dc3. I know it's probably considered young to already be a Mum of 3 but I knew from my teens I wanted children and haven't once regretted my decision to have kids in my twenties. I do know however that this is the last time I want to be pregnant and DH will be having a vasectomy in the year after dc3 is born. I know this decision is the right one and it will still be right in 10+ years time.

I think it really depends on the individual, their lifestyle choices and personality. I've always been old before my years and don't enjoy the party lifestyle so it was easy to be confident in my decisions.

Maybe she will change her mind but 26 is plenty old enough to know what you want from life.

In my twenties I thought I would never have kids. In my early thirties I started to wobble and spent loads of time agonising if I wanted kids or not. DD arrived when I was 36 and she was very much planned.

I got married at 26 having not yet decided whether i wanted to have kids. My dh hadn't decided either. I suppose that there was a big risk that we'd wind up in that situation, but i felt confident that we'd be able to work it out together, and luckily it turned out that way. We were 31 when we decided to go for it.

Saying in a smug way 'oh you'll change your mind, you'll see' is really patronising and rude. Even if the person does change their mind, suggesting that a woman can't be trusted to make her own decisions about her fertility is just really rude and offensive.

I would never dream of telling someone with kids that they'll change their mind, so why do it to someone without kids?

I never wanted children. Until I was woken up on my 32nd birthday by my body clock screaming "I must have babies right now!" 26 is still very young.

Continuing a relationship of the off-chance that the other person will change their mind about something Really Bloody Important is:

a) risky
b) bloody patronising to them.

I rather think that if I was childfree, and I realised that my partner was just presuming there was a good chance I would change my mind, that would demonstrate to me that he wasn't what I wanted in a partner.

You need to see each other as individuals. Not as generic 26-year-old females and similar.