AIBU to want to take my daughter to visit my friend ?

[poshfrock]

I have a friend from uni that I have known for over 20 years. We lived together at uni and for about 2 years after when we both moved to London for work. She stayed in London, married and had a child. I moved away and also married and had kids. We don't see each other very often ( mainly at friends' weddings and more recently 40th birthday parties) but we do keep in touch.
At Xmas I put a note in her card saying that we must get together and how lovely it would be to catch up and I suggested a visit to her in London. I can't remember the exact wording but it was something like " would be lovely to see you, we must come and visit".

Just as a bit of background I have a DH who is in the police and so works shifts, only 1 weekend off in 3 and those we try to spend together for obvious reasons as I also work FT. I have 2 teenage sons who can be left during the day while DH is at work and DD who is 9. I am OK with DSs looking after DD for a couple of hours at a time if DH and I want to go out for a meal to a local restaurant say ( 10 min walk) but would not be happy to leave her with them all day for 2 days when I would be 250 miles away and DH at work.

Anyway I get an email from friend saying she would love to meet up and suggesting dates in March. I say "Great, are we better coming by car or train?" ( not sure what parking is like in her part of London). She say "We? Are the whole family coming?" I say, "No, just me and DD." I make a joke about not wanting to inflict teenage DSs on friend and DH is working. I also explain about DH's shift pattern. Friend has a DS who is only 8 weeks older than DD ( age 9) so thought they would get on OK.

Friend then says that she thought I wanted a "girlie" weekend and that she would have to think about where DD would sleep.

I haven't replied to that last email as I don't really know what to say. I have only done 2 "girlie" weekends in the last 15 years since having DS1 ( both hen nights of family members) because DH's shift pattern makes it virtually impossible for me to go away without DCs. Friend has a 3 bed house with only her, DH and DS living in it so I'm not sure why finding DD somewhere to sleep is an issue. DD has sleepovers all the time and she and her friends either sleep together in her bed or on the floor in sleeping bags so I wasn't really expecting her to have her own room or anything. Personally I'm happy on a sofa , but then I come from a big family and when we visit each other we all just sleep on the floor, share beds etc. She's an only child so probably isn't used to this. It all sounds like an excuse and she doesn't want DD to come but then I am back to square one and won't be able to go. DH hasn't got a free weekend off until about July.

FTR whenever I visit family or friends I usually have DD with me ( and until the last 18 months or so both DSs too) and I expect my friends to bring their kids when they visit me. I though that's just what people did at our age until our kids grew up and could be left. Most of my friends have kids much younger than mine so I expect it to be like that for a few years yet.

I'm quite sad that she doesn't want to see DD ( who she has never met) and I thought it would be nice for our kids to meet each other. I had an idea of a lovely couple of days in London seeing the sights etc but I suppose as she still lives there it's less of a novelty for her.

Rereading this post I clearly am BU to expect her welcome DD with open arms when she obviously didn't have a child-centred weekend in mind, so I guess the advice I'm looking for is how to reply to her.

I don't want to just say " Well I shan't come if DD can't," because that sounds petty but it's the truth due to our childcare issue.

If you've read this far thanks very much.

I think miscommunication. Due to circumstances you take your kids on trips to see people and expect that in reverse. Clearly she has visit to friends and family trips deprecate in her mind.

I don't think assuming she would appreciate your circumstances when you don't see each is reasonable but it's not the crime of the century.
I'm not sure why your DH can't swap shifts or god forbid book leave on a weekend once in a while. My dad does and he's in the police. Couldn't your DH swap so he's doing afternoons that weekend and your boys watch your DD until he gets home?

Thanks NannyAnna

Mimi usually he can book time off but a) the holiday year ends on 31 March so everyone is trying to use up their holidays before the end of the year b) I think he has used all his anyway c) he is currently doing 2 roles while they are waiting for someone to move into post; he is an inspector and often the only senior person in the whole station, particularly at weekends, so even his usual days off are cancelled at short notice. This is all supposed to change after 1 April when the new person comes but in the meantime he is working 16 hour days in blocks of 7 so I'm not seeing much of him as it is.

I think you have taken offence unnecessarily to a simple misunderstanding. She thought you meant you were coming alone when you arranged it and you assumed she would know you were planning to take DD without actually saying so.

If you say 'oh well i cant come then' you will make yourself look like a bit of a dick and as if you think the world should stop revolving for your child if necessary (I'm sure you don't but that's what it will sound like), but rather just ask whether she would rather you come with DD and just bunk on together or you take the sofa, or whether you should rearrange for later in the year when you can come alone and have a good girly catch up. She will probably just say she doesn't mind either way.

OR invite her to you, get the boys to babysit during the day, DJ to look after her at night and you can spend the weekend with your friend sans kids.

DH not DJ!

OP don't worry, it sounds like you both expected different things, that's all . Why don't you call her as others have said - and ask if you can pay for a babysitter for the two kids so you can go out with her one of the evenings. Oh - and only go for one night.

JR I'm not offended. I realise that we have got our wires crossed and we had different expectations of the weekend. In my original post I actually said I was asking for advice on how to reply to her without sounding petty; I specifically said that I don't want to have to say " Well I can't come if DD can't." That's the situation I want to avoid although in fact it is the reality.

So I am going to explain the situation and suggest a day later in the year. I would love to have her to mine but we live in the country now ( fields, mud, wellies and all) and she is a proper city girl so I'm not sure she would appreciate our rural offering ! Bit of a lack of shops and cocktail bars around here.

Op although she has a 3 bed house she may not even have a bed in there!most of my friends use a spare room as storage. She may have been arranging her living room for you too sleep in.

poshfrock - why not just say that it is going to be almost impossible not to bring DD on this occasion and does she mind very much if you put off your girly weekend till next time?

If she is a real mate she will understand.

I have a childless friend who knows that we come as a package and she accommodates it.
Telling me not to bring the kids would be like me telling her not to bring her fuckwit of a husband.