AIBU to want to take my daughter to visit my friend ?

[poshfrock]

I have a friend from uni that I have known for over 20 years. We lived together at uni and for about 2 years after when we both moved to London for work. She stayed in London, married and had a child. I moved away and also married and had kids. We don't see each other very often ( mainly at friends' weddings and more recently 40th birthday parties) but we do keep in touch.
At Xmas I put a note in her card saying that we must get together and how lovely it would be to catch up and I suggested a visit to her in London. I can't remember the exact wording but it was something like " would be lovely to see you, we must come and visit".

Just as a bit of background I have a DH who is in the police and so works shifts, only 1 weekend off in 3 and those we try to spend together for obvious reasons as I also work FT. I have 2 teenage sons who can be left during the day while DH is at work and DD who is 9. I am OK with DSs looking after DD for a couple of hours at a time if DH and I want to go out for a meal to a local restaurant say ( 10 min walk) but would not be happy to leave her with them all day for 2 days when I would be 250 miles away and DH at work.

Anyway I get an email from friend saying she would love to meet up and suggesting dates in March. I say "Great, are we better coming by car or train?" ( not sure what parking is like in her part of London). She say "We? Are the whole family coming?" I say, "No, just me and DD." I make a joke about not wanting to inflict teenage DSs on friend and DH is working. I also explain about DH's shift pattern. Friend has a DS who is only 8 weeks older than DD ( age 9) so thought they would get on OK.

Friend then says that she thought I wanted a "girlie" weekend and that she would have to think about where DD would sleep.

I haven't replied to that last email as I don't really know what to say. I have only done 2 "girlie" weekends in the last 15 years since having DS1 ( both hen nights of family members) because DH's shift pattern makes it virtually impossible for me to go away without DCs. Friend has a 3 bed house with only her, DH and DS living in it so I'm not sure why finding DD somewhere to sleep is an issue. DD has sleepovers all the time and she and her friends either sleep together in her bed or on the floor in sleeping bags so I wasn't really expecting her to have her own room or anything. Personally I'm happy on a sofa , but then I come from a big family and when we visit each other we all just sleep on the floor, share beds etc. She's an only child so probably isn't used to this. It all sounds like an excuse and she doesn't want DD to come but then I am back to square one and won't be able to go. DH hasn't got a free weekend off until about July.

FTR whenever I visit family or friends I usually have DD with me ( and until the last 18 months or so both DSs too) and I expect my friends to bring their kids when they visit me. I though that's just what people did at our age until our kids grew up and could be left. Most of my friends have kids much younger than mine so I expect it to be like that for a few years yet.

I'm quite sad that she doesn't want to see DD ( who she has never met) and I thought it would be nice for our kids to meet each other. I had an idea of a lovely couple of days in London seeing the sights etc but I suppose as she still lives there it's less of a novelty for her.

Rereading this post I clearly am BU to expect her welcome DD with open arms when she obviously didn't have a child-centred weekend in mind, so I guess the advice I'm looking for is how to reply to her.

I don't want to just say " Well I shan't come if DD can't," because that sounds petty but it's the truth due to our childcare issue.

If you've read this far thanks very much.

I don't think she's being U to hope/assume that it'd be just the two of you. I think it's more U of you to just assume that it's OK to bring your DD, tbh.

I agree with everybody else I'm afraid,you should have mentioned your dd would be coming too in the initial email.Your friend probably assumed you would be visiting alone especially if she's never met your daughter before!
Is there no ok one at all who could watch your daughter? Maybe you could appeal to one of her friends mums?

can DD not go to a chum's for a sleepover? Why can't she stay at her aunty's for the weekend (if SIL is willing), bet she'd love that!

I think it was all a bit vague, to start with, and if I were her, I would have assumed it was just you coming.

Why don't you arrange for your dd to have a sleepover with a friend that weekend, so you can go and have a lovely grown-up catch up with your friend?

I think YWBU to have automatically assumed that your child would be expected or indeed welcomed.

I feel your pain re DH in police and never around at wknds.

Could you email back and say that it's a case of mixed wires and if she wants a girlie wknd then great but you'll have to rearrange for a wknd that DH has off (I know you probably want to spend your monthly wind off together as a family but going away just once is ok)

Otherwise, if she says the only problem is where your DD sleeps then suggest you share a room (with DD) and say you don't mind.

I don't think it is odd that your friend thought it would just be you. She can't be expected to know the intracacies of you DH's shift plan etc. however having said that, I do think you have made a huge assumption regarding your friends reply. She said she would have to think about where DD would sleep . She didn't say she couldn't come did she? I think if I were you I would pick up the phone and explain. Perhaps suggesting a compromise, i.e days out with the kids and in return perhaps her Dh can babysit for the evening while the two of you go out. You can also mention there about the fact you are happy to have DD in with you etc. Failing that, as others suggest, why not send you DD on a sleepover and arrange a London trip for you as a family another time?

A combination for one weekend of going to a friend/DH when he is around and her brothers looking after her - fail to see the problem. Don't take her. Don't you remember painful days spent with random children (of the opposite sex - even worse!) because your mums were friends? I really clearly remember at about that age making polite stilted conversation on the top of a play fort at a local Harvester with a boy whose mother was a college friend of my mother, and that was only for a couple of hours. Dreadful.

And to be honest seeing the London sights far better you and DD another time rather than dragging a local and son around. They WILL NOT want to spend their weekend going to touristy places that they've either been to before or don't want to visit.

Thanks for all the replies.
I'll try to answer some of the points made:

Yes I have a big family but they all live 100 miles away or more so not easy to arrange for them to babysit, which is why when we meet up we all sleepover. I had 14 of them at Xmas and we all just slept wherever there was space, in the study, in the living room etc so that's what I'm used to.

We raised 4 kids in a 3 bed house up until 18 months ago ( eldest no longer at home) and everyone had a bed and the smallest bedroom wasn't even big enough for a standard sized single - DH had to actually build a bed to fit in it -so that was why I was surprised that there was an issue with sleeping space.

I wasn't expecting DD to sleep in with her DS. I was just saying she is used to sleeping on floors, airbeds etc and wouldn't expect a room or bed of her own for a couple of nights.

DD has almost exclusively male cousins ( 2 the same age) and 2 brothers which is why I thought she would get on OK with friend's DS but I appreciate that this is not necessarily the case.

The plan was to be away for 2 nights ( Fri and Sat) so arranging sleepovers with friends not really possible. 2 nights is a bit of a cheeky ask.

I think asking a teenager to look after a 9 year old from 5.30am ( when DH leaves the house) to 6pm ( when he returns, assuming he doesn't have to stay on due to unforseen circumstances) is too much. They regularly look after her after school and some evenings without complaint but 2 full days is a lot.

So I think the upshot is that I was BU to expect to take DD with me and I will just have to let her know that I can't come on this occasion.

Thanks for the advice.

Book in two back to back sleepovers, with a bit of time with her brothers in between. Pay the boys.

I assume she was planning a weekend of relaxing lunching, dining and drinking with her friend, and not expecting to have the children in tow.

Shame you can't go on a w/e when your DH is off, even if it's just for one night. It must be very restricting, only being able to go places with DD. And if you took her, think she would need a room as presumably she'd go to sleep before you and your friend went to bed so would need her own space (assuming the guest room could only fit you).

But you've taken the advice in good spirit so otherwise hats off. And I hope you get a break and see your friend before too long!

Arse I lived in London for 6 years. My son was born there, as were both my parents so I have seen all the sights plenty of times. I'm not visiting her "because" she lives in London but I would want to go and "do" something when I go and visit someone because there's only so much sitting around drinking tea and gossiping I can stand and I loathe shopping. Even if I went without DD I still wouldn't want to be sat in her living room for 2 days!

Thanks once again.

I will try and arrange it for when DH is off but his free weekends are booked up months in advance because every time there is any family event it has to be booked around him or he doesn't go. Between now and July we have DSD's 18th, MIL's 70th, BIL's 50th, Easter hol, and BIL's 40th all booked to coincide with his free weekends. I think he has 7 weekends off in that period and that's 6 of them accounted for.

Like I said I have just got used to always seeing people with kids ( theirs and mine) but it seems that is not the norm. Apparently there is life beyond parenthood. Who Knew ?

You seem to assume a lot based on your own experiences without any thought to other people having different experiences... also that your friend should know all this about you with regard to making beds to fit in box rooms and sleeping on floors with lots of other people...

I would book in a couple of sleepovers/one long one and have your DS look after her in the middle. Pay them and they ill be happy surely? They often look after her so its not really a big ask is it, assuming they are capable of preparing breakfast and lunch you DH will be back for dinner so sorted?

I wouldn't want my own dc tagging along on weekend with an old friend let alone someone elses!

can't you go for just one night? Then a sleepover isn't too cheeky (though with a good friend I think it's fine as a one-off)? Or what about your SIL? Why can't you ask her?

poshfrock I was actually responding to "WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes"' suggestion that you ask your friend to turn the trip into a sightseeing weekend for your daughter, not implying that that was what you were doing! It was a bloody terrible suggestion that was unlikely to be received well.

I'm still failing to understand why you have now written off the whole weekend as an impossibility. Your friend has not said no your DD can't come. Unless I am missing something. Yes, she might be disappointed that it wasn't going to be the two of you, but she has not said at any point your DD was unwelcome. She was just thinking aloud about sleeping arrangements. You have assumed this is the case. Can't you just call her? Explain as you have to us the problems, and come to an agreement like sensible adults. Perhaps you just go for one night alone (and arrange a sleep over for DD) or you still go for two nights as arranged and bring her. It all seems a little like you are cutting your nose off to spite your face. Just call her and sort something out rather than writing the whole thing off.

Baby I did say in my first post that I come from a big family and she is an only child so I do understand that our experiences are not the same. Plus we lived together for about 4 years in total so people staying over and sleeping on floors is not unknown to her !

MrsO I have one DS and 2 SILs. DS is currently recovering from major surgery. Signed off work for 5 months so probably not really up to looking after boisterous DD. SIL1 has a 7 month old baby and is sleep deprived and stressing about going back to work after ML so don't like to ask her. SIL2 has DS (9) and DD (2) so would probably be the best bet.

BUT all 3 live 100 miles or more away so necessitating a 200 mile round trip on the Friday night before 250 mile drive/ train ride to London and 200 more miles on Sunday evening on return home. Just makes the whole trip less viable.

As I said I think I will just try and arrange for later in the year.

I think you would come across as a bit passive aggressive if you email her back to cancel. Just call her and chat through your issues!

Seriously?

Go for one night.

Or, get a babysitter. Or get your teen sons to babysit your 9 year old (she isn't a baby!) whilst you go.

You have made a mistake by assuming she was inviting your family, when she was planning to see her friend.

I actually get annoyed with friends when they do this. I want to see THEM and spend time with THEM, not them plus their children. I want to relax, and have a nice long boozy lunch, not sit with a child all afternoon.

Each to their own Arsepaste - I love taking visitors to see the sights.

Have you called her?

Her email didn't sound to me like DD was unwelcome - just unexpected.

Arse sorry missed that. I agree that would be unbelievably presumptuous and people used to do it to me too when I lived there.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You work Full time and you want your daughter to see London. I don't see the issue but obviously your friend has other ideas. I would just say will have to rearrange for another time when your DH is around. Then decide whether or not you really want to go and see her or not.