Video Games 6 Year Old - Please Help

[rb512022]

Hi, I need a womans point of view on this. I am very worried about how much time our 6 year old son plays on his Nintendo DS / Ipad / Xbox It’s the first thing he gets when he wakes up, has it on the school run and plays on it when he gets home at 4pm on and off until about 7.30pm. I feel these games cause more harm than good when used to excess and it causes massive tantrums some times when its taken off him etc
I don’t mind him using these devices but all in moderation in my opinion but therein lies the problem. When I broach the subject of limits etc with my wife she just will not discuss it and accuses me of been controlling, too bossy and even bullying.
I only want the best for my sons development and feel that we should have some rules / guidelines in places but she appears to absolutely hates the idea of this. This causes us both a tremendous amount of stress and we are so far apart on our opinions. It is having a really bad affect on our marriage and I do not know what to do for the best.
I want to know am I making an unreasonable request ??as I just don’t know anymore….i just feel like a killjoy but deep down think I am in the right. How do I approach things with my wife when she hates talking about subjects like this and just seems to switch off. I am a very worries Dad and husband who is desperate for some advice…….

Cripes, YANBU. No way should he be consumed by gadgets at his age. They will if you let them, but you're the grown-ups, it's not being 'controlling' because you're in control and he needs you to set limits! I think an hour total is more than enough for one day, and less on a schoolday. I only let DS (6) play about 20mins on iPad after school and ideally something educational. At the w/e he can have iPad or Wii for up to an hour per day but sometimes not at all, by urging him to "play in the real world" instead. And definitely not first thing in the morning. Am holding off on letting him have any device that's 'his' (like a DS) so that we stay in control, although I wouldn't let him have free reign with that either. Your wife is BVU. He's a child. He'll spend enough of his life on computers.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable here! That is a ridiculous amount of time for a child to spend on games.

My DD is also 6 and is allowed 30 mins a day on either iPad or DS console. We occasionally play wii at weekends.

The rest of the time she's playing with toys, running around etc.

Does your DW generally refuse to say no to your DS?

Does she want him to be much more likely to become unhealthy, lazy, overweight etc (doesn't sound like he has much time for exercise) - what about when he's getting more homework and won't have time to do it because he's refusing to get off his game?

(I know I'm preaching to the choir here)

Pink we have a similar view re: getting DCs their own gadgets. It's pointless because they would still have exactly the same time limits on them, so they may as well keep using the family gadgets.

We are also totally screen free before school.

PS: I don't think it's a woman's/man's POV thing at all. Your wife is pretty unusual on this issue if she's a good parent in all other ways I'd say.

Does your son have any additional needs or is he just your average 6 year old?

it might be because shes busy at these times and its easier to let him amuse himself , maybe you could suggest other things he could be doing and doing them with him as well , the problem might be how you word things to her then she wont discuss .

Hi....wow thanks for the quick response.....Yes she works and we have 2 other children 2 & 12...She is a very good mum and with the travelling she does taking all the kids to school and looking after her dad she is flat out most days.

The main things we clash on are bedtimes and video games. She keeps using the line life it too short for setting "rules" and hates me "telling the kids what to do all the time". The LITS line seems to be a catch all used all the time and I struggle to argue against. I am at my wits end and don't think I am been unreasonable. Its also really affecting my relationship with my 6yo as he only wants to be with him mum as he sees me as the ogre that wants to limit his sweets, games and bedtimes.

I don't!!!!!! I just feel that there should be some limits....Its all making me out to be the bad guy and I am worried he will grow up hating me.

Of course you're not the bad guy, children NEED boundaries.

Perhaps her issue is that the games keep your son amused whereas if he was not playing them he would need to find something else to keep him occupied which if she is flat put already would be something she finds tiring.
Maybe a better approach would be for you to intervene by finding other things for your son to do and participating in them as opposed to just demanding he get off the console?

Good call Dingbat. He might be narky to start with when you turn his gadget off but it'll quickly pass if you start playing Lego with him or take him out to the park or get him working in the garden with you or whatever. My DS loves spending time playing with his dad, I'm sure all DSs do if you're being engaged and not an ogre. I'd make no big deal of turning the console off. Just do it and cut straight into any moaning with, right, wellies on, we're doing x, y or z instead! And even with the stuff on school days, if you ask him to - say - draw you a picture for when you're back from work, or build you a model or finish the puzzles in his comic or whatever, then he'll get into doing that instead of defaulting to consoles. That's all it is. A default. But he needs to default to his own imagination, not have it colonised.

Dingbat...many thanks for your suggestion which is a good one. However as I go out early and get back at 6pm I don't seem to have any influence on his pre school play say 0745 to 0900 and also the time after he finishes school say 1600 to 1800.

By the time I get in he could easily have chalked up nearly couple of hours of screen time.

I just hate the idea of him glued to a screen and yes it obviously easier for his mum as its like a built in baby sitter whilst she does other chores etc

I was just about to say then beaten to it.... replace the activity with something else. All bairns like somebody to play with them.. build stuff.. colour in or whatever else he likes. Go puddle jumping or a kick about with a ball.

If you get stuck in I doubt that your wife would object.

So what would you prefer he did instead then?

One thing that might help is having a toy/activity out ready for him as soon as he gets in from school (or gets up on a weekend morning). If he sees a box of lego or action figures or whatever he might go straight to that instead of wanting to get to his games. This worked for us when we cut out TV mon-thurs, there was a bit of stropping but for the first couple of weeks I just got something ready for when they got home.

What other stuff does he like doing? Most children are naturally drawn to being outside and running about so this might be key, if you can get in some extra trips to the park/nearby woody areas/garden if you have one.

You are absolutely right to be worried, these things are so addictive. I also have a 6 year old, at that age they are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves doing something productive. If you don't give them a choice I can guarantee they will find something to do.

My ds can play video games on friday afternoons and at the weekend only if he has been productive during the week. Access to games is a privilege in this house, he behaves very well at school and works hard, but a couple of weeks ago the teacher told me that he wasn't completing his work because he was chatting a bit too much. I told him that I would check on the friday if he has improved otherwise no games at the weekend, this worked a treat.

Please show this thread to your wife.

Or if DW is busy say in the kitchen doing dinner while you're at work could he do drawing/activity books/reading to her? Or help with washing up/cooking (my 6yo has started getting into this - yes sometimes it means it takes longer but it's nice one on one time)

YANBU that DS needs to spend less time playing video games and needs encouraging to do something else.

DW is NBU about not wanting to have ridged rules and time limits.

She knows she'd end up being the bad guy enforcing them. Trying to sort out a small DC and a 12y HW, ridged screen time limits will last 5 minutes (0.5 minutes if my computer mad DD2 was involved).

She'll quickly get fed up of the whining and either give in our get cross. If like me she hates rules and routines your name will be mud for suggesting them.

Having rules that end up being bent and broken is far worse than no rules at all. The primary HT has still to realise this and it doesn't earn him the respect he deserves from Y5/6 or the mum's.

Guile and cunning is what's needed to distract DCs from computers, and the coming of summers evenings when the trampoline calls, not rules.

I would prefer he played more with his toys and done more drawing.....He used to love drawing but that's been nearly totally shunted to one side now in favour of the games.

He is naturally creative and I want him to do more of that .....maybe even encourage his reading etc.

The problem I am finding that if on a weekend I say lets go here or lets do that swimming, walk he kicks up a fuss and strop and its a total mission to get him outside....He just wants to stop indoors and play on the console. I don't like this pattern of behaviour and its just a constant battleground.

With the 12 yo (stepdaughter) I have just totally admitted defeat as she more or less does what she wants ipad/ dedtime as my wife says she can decide on what she wants to regarding doing things with her dad etc but I don't want my younger boys to go the same way

My kids just run to the mum all the time because I am just seen as the bad guy all the time and she looks like a saint....It really gets me down I just cant compete if you know what I mean.

We have been together for 10 years and married for 3years

"he kicks up a fuss and strop and its a total mission to get him outside."

That is your mission. You have to accept it. If you admit defeat it'll be like your DD all over again - but six years earlier!

The more you say, it sounds like the gadgets aren't at fault, it's a total clash of parenting styles. Can you not work it out with your DW without it turning into a battle? Surely she doesn't actually think this approach is good for your DC. It must just be that she needs more support or something? There has to be a constructive way of figuring this out so that everyone will benefit.

I haven't read the full thread. But I have a 6yo son, and would be horrified at the idea of him spending this much time on video games. It also depends very much what he is playing - I'm very, very selective.

I wonder if your wife might be struggling with all the demands on her? It can be overwhelming to think about entertaining the children when you're at full stretch and easier to let them have unlimited games. But I strongly believe that if they're used this much they will get in the way of creativity, free play, and interaction, and hinder children's development. When children are used to the limits on games, they do manage to occupy themselves in their free time. How about you pitch in and help set up an activity for him to do when he gets home from school? Leave out some lego, start it with him at the weekend, and tell him you can't wait to see what he's built after school? Something like that? And assure your wife that you'll help with the cleanup operation / getting the kids to tidy up when you're home from work, as playing children make a lot more mess than those stuck on video games!

As for "life's too short", what about pointing out all teh things he's missing out on by spending too much time on video games as opposed to living real life, and pointing out that life is too short to miss these opportunities, childhood is too short to waste?

He's missing reading, going out for walks, playing outside, building, drawing, imaginative play, interacting with parents and siblings...developing so many interests...but I do think you'll have to get involved and not leave the fall out of removing the video games to your wife.

If there is something else like swimming, shopping, a walk, Dad prepared to kick a ball about with you at the weekend, that's non negotiable at 6.

My 12y is allowed to opt out of walks because she, nowadays alternates her computer with hours of gymnastics on the trampoline. She'd never opt out of swimming.

You'll not stay the bad guy for long, if the activities you take DS on are fun (and yes this may mean a bit more petrol to get to the pool with a slide, the more exciting park or ensuring the walk/bike ride includes a picnic. Generally six year olds are actually quite easy to please, especially if they have some say in what you do, where you go, what you eat
The control freak tendencies of 6y, that make them tantrum and not want to let go of the iPad can be turned to your advantage. Sometimes MacDonalds or KFC, shall we cycle up the hill or over the bridge is all it needs to make them happy.

Does she feel guilty about the amount of time she is able to spend with the children? Is she buying their affections here (not suggesting she needs to)? It can be very easy to slip into a pattern of giving in for an easy life especially if you already feel guilty about how much time life requires you to spend away from the children. How is her self esteem? Are things getting her down? Is her dad in poor health? It may be that she just doesn't have headspace for a battle and needs more support with other things before she can start to be more strict with screen time.

As for "life's too short", what about pointing out all teh things he's missing out on by spending too much time on video games as opposed to living real life, and pointing out that life is too short to miss these opportunities, childhood is too short to waste?

A thousand times THIS!

I'd be gutted if my DCs didn't want to run around outside. There's a lot of simple pleasures that can't be appreciated with your nose in a game.

I think you'll have to somehow work things out so, as others said you help deal with the fall out. Because there will be one! And it's going to be very difficult for your DW to deal with alone.

I think the screens in the morning should go, though. Is he getting ready for school before he's allowed on games? If not, and if getting ready is a cause of strife every morning , perhaps letting him go on his game ONLY when he is completely ready would be a fair compromise?

Other than that I can see why games are being used as a babysitter when your DW has so much to deal with. So can you rearrange things to make it easier when you aren't there?

A few suggestions:

Bulk cooking/freezing on weekends so less time cooking after school

Changing order of housework so more is done after DCs are in bed so there's more time for DW to have fun with DCs in the afternoon

Taking DS out for a quick walk as soon as you get home to get some exercise/fresh air

New bedtime routine for wind down time (no screens after dinner), bath stories etc that you can do once you're home