Video Games 6 Year Old - Please Help

[rb512022]

Hi, I need a womans point of view on this. I am very worried about how much time our 6 year old son plays on his Nintendo DS / Ipad / Xbox It’s the first thing he gets when he wakes up, has it on the school run and plays on it when he gets home at 4pm on and off until about 7.30pm. I feel these games cause more harm than good when used to excess and it causes massive tantrums some times when its taken off him etc
I don’t mind him using these devices but all in moderation in my opinion but therein lies the problem. When I broach the subject of limits etc with my wife she just will not discuss it and accuses me of been controlling, too bossy and even bullying.
I only want the best for my sons development and feel that we should have some rules / guidelines in places but she appears to absolutely hates the idea of this. This causes us both a tremendous amount of stress and we are so far apart on our opinions. It is having a really bad affect on our marriage and I do not know what to do for the best.
I want to know am I making an unreasonable request ??as I just don’t know anymore….i just feel like a killjoy but deep down think I am in the right. How do I approach things with my wife when she hates talking about subjects like this and just seems to switch off. I am a very worries Dad and husband who is desperate for some advice…….

You probably need to read some of Dr Aric Sigman's writings on screen time and what it does to kids' brains. Scary stuff. (He has got into hot water on his comments about daycare vs SAHMs, which I disagree with, but the screen stuff is very logical).

I liked Toxic Childhood by Sue Palmer as well.

Hi OP
My sympathy!!
My 6yo is just like this - he would be on the PS3 all day every day if we let him. We both work full time and we do find it a struggle to keep him from (as another poster said) defaulting to the PS3 every time he wants sth to do. Yes he would rather play with us, but with fulltime work it's really hard to be available enough. I also suspect that your wife doesn't WANT him on the screen all the time, but she finds it hard to be any more available. Full time work is a KILLER, I hate it.
I liked the idea of having sth else sitting out ready, and I'm keeping an eye here for more ideas.

That is a huge amount of screen time tbh, especially for such a young child. It does sound, like others have said, that it's a useful crutch for keeping everyone quiet and entertained.

Six year old boys often love collecting e.g. Football cards, star wars cards, moshi monsters cards, anything that can be easily transported about in a book for the car, and counted or traded. You could be his collection buddy, the fun dad who brings him home a card pack from the newsagents on a friday and obsesses over the best cards with him . And like others have suggested, more physical pass times would be much better overall.

I honestly believe the intense concentration that screens require is very bad for kids' moods (and this spills in to school concentration too). And this is based on experience not on meanness! My boys are not allowed any kind of screen (tv included) before breakfast or before school. The 10 yr old has an ipod and a computer but they are limited to an hour a day and only after homework and chores are done. Both have tv as down time when they come in from school but are clear that it's for only for a set amount of time. These rules suit our home - try and find some rules that work for your family. If your wife understands that in the long term your son's school work might suffer, do you think that would help her consider less screen time?

Hi, Yes she does have a very busy day so I guess it makes for an easy life when the kids occupy themselves on the games.

However how do I even begin to ask my wife about how we can change things???

I am going to get growled at massively the second I try to even bring the subject. I really am close to losing my rag and out of sheer total frustration feel like confiscating the lost and go zero tolerance which will cause the situation to erupt and could end up in us splitting up.

Anytime previously I suggest curbing / limiting or introducing boundarys for the kids she goes into a depressed state and says she cant deal with this and threatens to move out.

It really is that serious. I am just acting as I was brought up but I cant seem to suggest anything without upsetting her

I desperately want to know what to do....If I do nothing it will grind away at me non stop watching him waste his life on the games. ....but if I bring it up she goes into meltdown and stops talking to me.

For example on Saturday morning he was on his DS for at least 2 hours maybe more. At 1pm ish the me and my son went out in the car and boy brought his DS with him....I took it off him at the front door maybe a bit abruptly citing "you have been on it all morning" etc and she was not happy one bit with me.

So we now have a screaming kid who now does not to go out with his Dad and is shouting to stay at home with his mum because I am once again the bad parent.....This is what is happening all the time in our house.

I feel she just stands back , says klittle and watches the situation explode in front of my eyes.....As she does not agree with what I am doing I get very little back up from her.

I am sick of always looking the bad guy :(

Her reaction sounds a little extreme TBH. I don't know how you could get it through to her that never saying no to her son is really not good for him. Parents should be parents, not best buddies IYSWIM. There needs to be some rules, it does help children feel safe and secure in a subconscious way even though they fight against it (testing the boundaries is normal and healthy) but you know all that.

How is he doing at school? Reading, writing, maths etc? Are there any concerns? I wonder if that's a way to approach it because he will fall behind if he's consistently choosing games over anything else. And normal play, just messing about with bricks or little figures or toy cars or whatever is SO important too. It may be that having spent so long with screens he has sort of forgotten how to play and may need help to get back into imaginative/creative games.

FWIW my DD was quite a reluctant reader despite making steady progress, until we ditched the telly during the week. She was suddenly much more willing because she wasn't being distracted, and her fluency improved drastically, as did her enthusiasm. If something like this is relevant to your boy it might help convince your DW?

I can sympathise with your wife when she has a daughter on the verge of puberty and a 2 year old, but it does sound like she's taking the easy route to their detriment. That makes it a really difficult position, and without your wife's support I think you will find it difficult to curb use because I can see how you will be the ogre.

How about getting involved instead? At weekends and when you come back at 6 pm, play with him a bit. Learn the games, then get him involved in not just playing computers but programming them. A Raspberry PI costs £20. Recent studies show that while too much TV time can be detrimental to outcomes for kids, computer time doesn't have the same impact. i.e. it doesn't have to be a waste. If you can get him into programming it could be the start of a very lucartive career and even if it isn't it will teach him lot of engineering skills and could help him make lifelong friends.

Bit of reading material!

www.empoweringparents.com/how-to-set-limits-around-video-game-use.php

www.cbn.com/family/parenting/black_gaming.aspx

Hi,

The boy is very bright and will probably be in the top 10% in his class of 24 however for a long time now (before video games) he is a bit of a loner..

If you ask him who his friends are at school he will sometimes say he does not have any . If you ask him who he plays with at school he says by himself

He's a great kid very intelligent and loves facts and figures although I want to try and encourage him to be more social...I now take him to football practice on a Tuesday night with his school but he only half enjoys it.

He has some fantastic natural ability so I want to encourage that rather than waste hours on video games. The problem is I am not always there and I worry what he's up to in my absence

Everything in moderation in my book. Surely there is time foor a bit of everything.....

To top it off this week she has ordered him 2 more games from ebay (his xmas money)....She knows I have my concerns but I just seem to get ignored.....My opinion seems to count for nothing.

Are all his games age appropriate BTW? As if they are too old that adds a whole other reason to step in

I really feel for you, it sounds horrible that you aren't being listened to

So, your DW works, looks after three children and an elderly relative and you keep telling her she is not doing it right. How much of the shitwork does she do?

What you could do is take some of the work off her plate, schedule really fun stuff to do with your children outside your work hours (yes, it is a 'mission' to get them off screens, for her as well as you) and try to empathise with her. Not just take the screen and tell him 'no' but engage him in other stuff, work with him. It is not a matter of taking the screen and he will find toys and art. That's not how it works.

FWIW I agree that he has too much screen time. However, the idea that she has time to do everything while she has a broom up her arse and two other children is rough. Her defensiveness could be partly guilt.

Yes they are age appropriate the usual super Mario type stuff......

I am trying to be as honest as I can with these posts as I will probably print this thread off for my wife.

I can see trouble ahead as when I go home it will probably kick off if ask him to knock it off......He wil just go running through to see his Mum and we will be in a screaming match in front of him........but I don't want this to happen but it just so enevitable I am more or less resigned to a huge bust up.

I don't know how to stop the damaging chain of events that are about to happen

MrsTerryPratchett you are right I will make an increased effort to engage him when I get home at 6pm but what about the previous 2-3 hrs screen time he has already chalked up.....What are your suggestions as this is the main problem......What about when I am not there???

For whats its worth I like taking him to bed and reading him a bedtime story , however when the wife does it she nearly always takes up the I pad so he can watch something in bed or lets her play a game on her phone. When I take him up it lasts about 20 minutes but sometimes she is there for half an hour or more when he watches "just one more" clip or game

This TOTALLY infuriates me!!!!!!! It drives me nuts .....If I dare to tell her I don't think its a good way to wind down she says she cant deal with me telling her what to do???

Well if you go in and just tell him to knock it off no wonder it all kicks off. You need to do something with him. Draw with him, take him out bike riding, make him help you cook dinner for the family or something.

It's much more reasonable to get him off the screen when there are 2 parents around to look after 3 children than when there is 1. So it is the hours that you are home that you need to work on, not the hours when your wife is trying to do it all.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. BTW I'm not religious but that works.

If you can get him away from screens for the hours you are home, you have improved the situation. Short of cutting your hours or getting a nanny for when your DW is home, you can't tell her how to parent. That goes double if you split us so bear that in mind.

Great advice everybody thanks for helping x

I have already changed my work hours so I can take the kids to school on a Thursday and Friday. This is because she does not work Thursday & not until 11am on a Friday

On a night I very often try and get the full family together to play a game instead of Mrs on Candycrush, Boy on DS and Daughter upstairs on Facebook.....Believe you me I am trying but will try even harder.

On a weekend I always take the 2 boys out with me during the daytime ususally to the park ,swimming , bowling or visiting my parents I nearly always ask the wife to come with us and the daughter but they say no 95% of the time as they doing others things. I wish this were different but that's the way it is. On a Saturday morning I tell her to have a lie in and I get up with the 2 boys then make her a cuppa

I don't want a bloody medal as I aint the best Dad in the world but I am far from the worst

Cat....thanks for your comments.....

I acknowledge your criticism but you seem to offer little in the way of constructive advice ?

You say I don't have a clue, so what would do?

FWIW, both DH and I have worked FT at various points while the other does the bulk of the parenting stuff, but that didn't mean we stopped having a say in how our DCs were being brought up. It has always been a partnership where if we felt something wasn't quite right we could tell each other and agree rules/changes, even if one of us wasn't there to implement it.

My DS would be playing Minecraft incessently if I let him. He does play it a fair amount, probably more than many people would think healthy, but we have certain rules. He plays in the morning, between about half 6 and 7. 15 when everyone else gets up, then its switched off and there are no screens allowed while everyone gets ready for school, and no more before school at all, even if ready early. He has an alarm clock which he can read and knows he cannot play before half 6 or he will 'lose' any game time for 3 days for breaking this rule.
he is also allowed some time later in the day, depending on weather, other activities, etc. This time is set by me depending upon what else is going on, and may not happen or may be up to an hour or so. But the essential thing is that there is no sulking or whining or tantrums about being told 'no'. He has to be able to be told 'not today' or 'not til later' or 'its time to switch it off' without throwing a paddy, or he loses the chance to play for 2 or 3 days, or more, until he can come off without fuss. And when he is not playing he needs to do other stuff, not hanging about waiting or whining about being able to play, or thats an automatic loss of playing time.
I like him playing minecraft - he is creative and he is learning about interacting online with friends in a co-operative way. But we wont let our lives be ruled by a game if he isnt mature enough to be able to go without it. DS is 7

I'm tired and frazzled by the end of the day,I've got a lot on my plate too.It's no excuse to let a 6 year old play on a console,tablet,whatever for hours on end.It's really not good for them.