To resent condolences by text?

[Whistletester]

My father died suddenly over two months ago. Most people were supportive, esp knowing that we had several serious family issues but had resolved many before he died. My 'best friend' of 30 years rang me as soon as she got my message (I couldn't reach her by phone) but then didn't speak to me for over a week, but sent me 2 texts about how was I etc. I answered these but don't like texts at best of times. She knows I rarely use my mobile, only when out travelling, in an emerg. Also I found it hard to say how I felt in a text. She eventually rang and suggested we meet for lunch 2 weeks later as she was booked up till then. She works 3 days a week. It sounded difficult to fit me in. I am not fussed about sympathy cards but I didn't get one from her, although some from people I barely know.

The funeral was delayed (long story) until after our lunch which was fine. Friend sent more 'hugs' texts but no call, whereas all sorts of distant folk were calling me. All knew there was poss of serious family fall out but Luckily funeral went as ok as these things do. She then sent a text saying she was 'dying to hear' how funeral had gone, but didn't call and didn't respond to my messages after I'd tried to ring her. She rang on Boxing Day to say Merry Xmas and asked about funeral, then booked date to see me last week as v busy until then. Her husband phoned me to cancel at last minute as she had flu; the text she sent me gave a different excuse.

AIBU and old fashioned to feel texting is inappropriate for condolences etc esp as a substitute for talking by phone or in person. She loves texting and does it all the time, at dinner table, when visiting, theatre etc. Do you agree with me that it sounds like she isn't really my friend any more? Shall I give her the sack, or has she already more or less done that to me? I feel mildly insulted, somehow, but then am in a bereaved therefore odd state of mind. Eg I am 50 but feel about 6 right now!

It sounds like she's more or less done that to you. If my best friend lost a loved one, then it wouldn't matter what plans I had, I'd cancel them and make time for her. How often did you have contact with her before? Had it been dwindling?

And I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. It sounds like she has rung you a few times in the last two months; three or four times? In between times she texted you just to let you know she was thinking about you. The cancelling would bother me more, especially as the 'excuses' didn't match but the texting wouldn't.

Sorry for your loss x

I think texting is the perfect medium for condolences, it shows someone is thing of you but doesn't want to intrude if you're not up to talking

I appreciated the texts friends sent me very much when I lost my dad, I can see you would prefer a phonecall but I don't think either of us is right or wrong as it's such a personal thing

She did actually call you straight away, after your father's death, when she got your first message - so that is definitely a strong point in her favour. I take what you mean about texting not being the ideal mode of communication after that, but, at least she did communicate with you and showed that she was thinking about you.

I would also cut her some slack as a lot of this happened over the holiday period when she may well have had commitments to her own family that she couldn't't avoid.

There is also the fact that you had a somewhat problematic relationship with your father, and it may be that she is genuinely underestimating your grief.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt, OP, because you are not in the best state of mind to properly analyse what has happened. She might be amazed if she knew how hurt you were feeling,

She has been your best friend for thirty years - this is not the time to lose her. You need her support, and it may be that, if you are honest with her, she will be glad to give it. Tell her you appreciate her messages, but you are feeling very down and need a shoulder (physically) to cry on.

I think where a relationship has not been straightforward, there is a lot more need to talk about it and try to come to terms with it, when the person dies. Tell her that you need her for this - it may well be that she doesn't realise how much you need her.

I think texts are ok. My closest friends phoned me when they heard about my dads death but then texted and left the phone call ball in my court.

When it came to less close friends texts were perfect. it allowed people to contact me but I didn't have to speak to them.

I knew my closest friends were at the other end of the phone if I needed them but appreciated their texts knowing they were thinking of me but I didn't need to face them

I hope these replies are making you feel a bit better, OP. Your friend may genuinely not know how you are feeling about the texts.

But, if you need to meet face to face, let her know that.

I would like texts as unobtrusive, tbh.
She does sound very busy for someone who works PT. I wonder what else is going on in her life.

I'm sorry for your loss, especially as it sounds like you have had a difficult relationship with your DF. I know how that feels.

Personally, I found phone calls intrusive and extremely draining after I lost DF. I understood that people wanted to pass on condolences but I got tired of crying every time I spoke to someone. Awkward for me and awkward for them.

Conversely it was the little texts and messages in the months after that meant the most to me. Knowing that people were still thinking of me. It was those people that I knew really cared and had not forgotten. I'm not telling you you should feel like that, grieving is personal to us all and there is no right way to feel. I do know some people find it easier to send texts, it takes away the fear of upsetting the person and having to deal with tears. Look after yourself x

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I would be ok with texts too. It's hard to know how much support to give people who are bereaved. I would be worried about mentioning it too much. She did phone you and she did go for a meal with you. I think it sounds ok to me
Christmas is a busy time for some people too.

I think texting for condolences is only suitable if you used your mobile a lot as a main channel of communication. But you don't.

She has contacted you by phone and text several times, but you make no mention of calling her back, perhaps she assumes it is you that are busy with all the arranging and stuff that happens after a family bereavement?

In this situation perhaps not, but in others, yes it's fine. My mum received many texts and messages through facebook of condolence by people who had know her husband all through her life, but whom she hadn't had the chance to meet. She received phonecalls from many people also, generally those she knew, but she likes to go through the messages from time to time reading all the nice things people said about him.

Hi Whistle
I'm sorry for your loss.
When my DS died a few months ago I was flooded with calls, texts and facebook messages of condolence. I very much appreciated all these expressions of sympathy and didn't feel that any were inappropriate at all. i told people about his death on FB as I wanted the message to get to as many people as possible.
I agree with the other posters about texts being a good way to let somebody know you're thinking of them without intruding on your grief as much as a phone call might. You could call her when you're feeling up to it. It sounds like she's trying hard to let you know that she cares but is also giving you space. I do understand that when you're grieving everything is very raw and things that normally don't bother you can assume a different proportion.
Be kind to yourself and don't worry about something like this that is actually very small.

I much preferred texts and I am not a huge user of my mobile phone. It was less intrusive and I could respond when I felt like it. I often don't answer the phone if I am not in the mood to speak to people.

Whistle I am sorry for your loss. I have found it interesting that many posters have experienced bereavement and found texts fine, or better than phone calls. A friend lost her DP a few years ago and I felt that texting her was inappropriate in such circumstances. There is so much said about texting being the wrong medium for important/sensitive matters.

It seems to me that a better friend would have made more effort to see you. When someone passes away sometimes people feel awkward (especially if they have not had a similar experience) or that whatever they say will seem somehow crass. The fact you were given two different excuses for her not meeting up with you doesn't sit well.

Texts are okay in some ways. But I don't think that's the problem here. The problem is that she has made time to see you. If she had followed up her texts by coming straight round, I don't think you'd be posting this.

I'm sorry about your loss and I agree with what you say about the inappropriateness of texting messages of condolence but . . . I fear that you (and I) are being unreasonable.

The clue lies in the fact that you readily admit that you "don't like texts at best of times". That being so, you're hardly going to like them at the worst of times, and that's exactly what you're going through at the moment.

As you're now 50, you'll have lived much of your life in an age when written messages were usually written with pens on paper and sent through the post.

I'm sure you'll agree that that system was a wonderfully efficient progression from chiselling out messages on slabs of stone and sending them to their destinations on the backs of oxen-driven carts.

Nowadays, pen are paper are similarly becoming very much a thing of the past and texting is the new method of person-to person message-sending because it's so much quicker, easier and cheaper.

I understand that you think texts are are a bit 'casual' (even dismissive) for such a very serious occasion but the fact is that texts are many people's only way of communicating in writing these days. Texting doesn't seem casual to them because (to use an old expression) they know no better.

Times have changed, and standards with them.

I don't think the texting is the issue so much, it's the fact that she really isn't making the effort to be in any way supportive or 'there' for you.

Was there a growing distance between you before this?

Sorry for your loss.

I texted a friend when her father died. I thought she had enough to be doing without answering the phone tbh. It sounds like your friend has kept in touch with you but life has got in the way a bit. There isn't anything going on in her life which could be a factor is there? given your age I'm wondering how her parents health is......?

I wouldn't give up on this. Have your lunch and go from there.

Yeah, my best friend texted me once when my ex died and left our three kids behind. I really needed her support and I got one lousy text and that was it.

I appreciated all the texts I got but I would be lying if I didn't say I was a bit disappointed by the lack of people who actually picked up the phone to have a conversation with me or the children.

But, I was also just bitter and devastated and pretty much every little thing bothered me and felt like a huge deal.

I am sorry for your loss OP. I think your friend is acting poorly but right now while grieving I wouldn't be making any decisions on what to do with your friendship. The fact that she did make two excuses not to see you doesn't sound great. People don't know how to act and can be really uneasy around someone who is grieving but she should have made more of an effort.

Lots of love going out to you during this difficult time

Your friend did call you, so I don't think it's fair to her to say that she only sent condolences by text.

People feel differently about the various forms of communication we have nowadays, she probably thought she was being supportive by staying in touch, even if it was through text.

Why the two different excuses for cancelling their meet up though?

That is what sounds worrying to me. Her husband said she had flu and her friend gave a different excuse.

That is the bit I am stuck on.

It's an incredibly personal thing and different people will feel differently.

When the husband of a couple who were close friends died, the wife just couldn't cope with talking to people she was so upset. She had to try and be strong for their two young children. Friends want to let friends know they are they but also don't want to intrude. They will naturally want to reach out but also know that every other single person will want to do the same and if everyone rang... So it's very difficult to know what to do for the best.

A text reaches out without intruding and is quicker than sending a card. Lets you know you are in someone's thoughts. And also gives you the chance to get back to the people you may most WANT to speak to - it allows you to do what you want or need to without anyone feeling they are intruding or getting in the way or interrupting time you need to be with family.