To resent condolences by text?

[Whistletester]

My father died suddenly over two months ago. Most people were supportive, esp knowing that we had several serious family issues but had resolved many before he died. My 'best friend' of 30 years rang me as soon as she got my message (I couldn't reach her by phone) but then didn't speak to me for over a week, but sent me 2 texts about how was I etc. I answered these but don't like texts at best of times. She knows I rarely use my mobile, only when out travelling, in an emerg. Also I found it hard to say how I felt in a text. She eventually rang and suggested we meet for lunch 2 weeks later as she was booked up till then. She works 3 days a week. It sounded difficult to fit me in. I am not fussed about sympathy cards but I didn't get one from her, although some from people I barely know.

The funeral was delayed (long story) until after our lunch which was fine. Friend sent more 'hugs' texts but no call, whereas all sorts of distant folk were calling me. All knew there was poss of serious family fall out but Luckily funeral went as ok as these things do. She then sent a text saying she was 'dying to hear' how funeral had gone, but didn't call and didn't respond to my messages after I'd tried to ring her. She rang on Boxing Day to say Merry Xmas and asked about funeral, then booked date to see me last week as v busy until then. Her husband phoned me to cancel at last minute as she had flu; the text she sent me gave a different excuse.

AIBU and old fashioned to feel texting is inappropriate for condolences etc esp as a substitute for talking by phone or in person. She loves texting and does it all the time, at dinner table, when visiting, theatre etc. Do you agree with me that it sounds like she isn't really my friend any more? Shall I give her the sack, or has she already more or less done that to me? I feel mildly insulted, somehow, but then am in a bereaved therefore odd state of mind. Eg I am 50 but feel about 6 right now!

Hello whistle sorry about your dad .

I know how hard it is when you are feeling 'raw' with the pain of loss. It can feel so harsh seeing everyone just getting on with life. I remember losing a loved one and wondering "how come everyone is just getting on with things? Why hasn't the world stopped turning?"

Often people don't know what is best, should they keep in close touch? Should they give you space? It is sometimes hard, especially once a funeral has taken place. It isn't always the case that they don't care, its just the fact its hard to know what to do next.

I definitely would not 'call time' on such a long friendship. Hard though it is, can you cut your friend some slack? When you next meet, can you tell them what you feel, what you need, just to help them understand. Bereavement is so personal, it can be helpful to at least given them an understanding of what you need. Eg if you would rather they pick up the phone to you, then maybe say you prefer that to a text because you dont use your phone much?

Texts can either feel impersonal or actually quite helpful. I know it has given me solace seeing a text from a friend just saying "thinking of you". I am doing that for a friend at the mo who is undergoing cancer treatment, I agreed with them that I would just ping them to say hi, no need to respond if feeling like poo, its just to say you are on my mind...

Loss is so painful, but your father would want you to be happy in your life, I am sure, and would not want to come between you and a friend of 30 years' standing

X

sorry for your loss i think your friend has made an effort to keep in touch and ask how you are , a txt lets you know she is thinking of you , some people get worried ringing up in case they catch you at a bad time , she did phone and not txt as soon as she heard the news .

Sorry you are grieving. Very hard. I would wait until much later before deciding about this friend.

When I was grieving for my father, and on another occasion when my son was dangerously ill, I really could not handle telephone calls. What can you say? Howl down the phone ten times a day? A text is perfect in my view so that is what I would send, even to people I was close to - knowing they would call if they needed me.. But it is very hard for you if you would have preferred something else. I wouldn't judge her on this.

As for the two different excuses - DH s don't always get it right.

I agree that the two different reasons for not going to lunch doesn't sound good, on the face of it, but it could that, for many reasons, she did not feel equal to discussing things with you that day. It is difficult coping with someone else's grief - even if you care about them - and maybe she just couldn't do it that day.

My advice would be to continue the friendship - I wouldn't see what your friend has done as reason to cast her off. I think you should be honest about what you want from her - a chance to discuss how you feel with her, face to face - and take it from there.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost my mum 3 years ago and some "close" friends were also a disappointment to me.

Some people are embarrassed by death and don't know what to do or say and so foolishly chose to do and say nothing. I think texts etc are fine generally....in fact I have a lot on my phone from when mum died and if I am in that sort of mood I read them and get a bit of comfort to know so many people were thinking of me and her.

However, if it's a close friend then to me it's a cop out. One of my best friends never came to see me, just sent me a couple of texts and then a few months later she texted me again saying she wasn't quite sure why our friendship had drifted. I told her how sad it had made me that she never bothered to come and see me, or even call me up on the phone and needless to say she was mortified....cried.....said she was sorry etc etc. However, even though we are still friends we are not close anymore and I will never forgive her for not being there when I needed her (petty as that may sound).

Tell her how you feel though, don't just end the friendship with no explanation.

Whistle, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've found this discussion interesting. I admit that my first reaction was to be horrified at the idea of sending condolences by text. I wouldn't dream of doing that."Sorry 4 ur loss." I always send a card by post, and of course if it's someone I know well I'll telephone too. A card gets there the next day!

But reading the responses here has brought me round to the idea of texting being something friendly and unintrusive.

All the same, it looks like the issue here not really the texts but that your friend has really not stepped up in the way you needed.

Might be worth sending her a note saying, "I am having a hard time. Would really like to see you this week. Want to pop round sometime?" There is an off chance she's just feeling like she doesn't want to intrude, doesn't want to say the wrong thing, etc.

I'm very sorry about your father, OP.

I think texts are quite good as they are unintrusive. Is it also possible that she's uneasy about how to talk to a bereaved person and finds texting easier/safer? It can be very hard to know what to say in these situations.

However, she is BU about her and her partner giving different excuses for cancelling on you, and for texting at the dinner table, when visiting people and at the theatre etc. Makes me !

Thanks all, plenty to think about there. I see that texts are ok for many, however it's not something I would do in similar circs and oddly no one else I know young or old sent me texts about this.

For me, replying to a text about how I am or what happened at the funeral was unfeasible as there has been some limited fall-out and it would take up three A4 pages to describe. My calls to her went to ansaphone but messages not responded to.

I see that, as some have picked up, the real issue is feeling she's not there for me. Her last surviving parent died 20 years ago when I went over, made tea, took food, hung out washing, emptied bins, didn't speak unless spoken to etc. She later thanked me for this which was unnecessary. I feel we've become distant over the past year - over 30 years of course we've ebbed and flowed with levels of busyness - but then have noticed her formerly ever ringing phone has been replaced by constant text pings and possibly she now texts rather than calling people. What annoys me is that she usually loves asking and talking about people's problems to an intrusive degree. She was 'dying to know' what happened at the funeral as we all expected a punch-up, yet once she would have rung the next day to find out the gory details and offer support, not a month later.

As for the er mixed messages, hmm. Don't think I'll sack her yet but will not go out of my way to keep in contact, I'm sadder now than at first when in shock, and see what occurs. Thanks for all the condolences too. I feel better for getting this off my chest.

I would rather get a text than a phone call on that sort of thing. I can then put it off until I can cope with it, and don't have to put ona face for talking.