I have posted before about my difficult relationship with my DB, who has a personality disorder- and the fact that our father can't accept that while I will be civil to my DB, I have no desire to maintain a relationship with him.
Anyway, my grandmother has recently become quite unwell. She lives very rurally around 3 hours drive from my parents, she's a widow and has no family locally. Realistically she can no longer manage on her own. This became apparent during her stay with my parents over christmas- I managed to arrange appointments for investigation and diagnosis, so she is still staying with them. During this, I have been trying to help where I can (I am a single parent and work full time), as my mother also cares for my father. Dad had to retire early due to ill health- he's not severely disabled- has balance and mobility issues, can't drive etc and thus mum has quite a lot on her plate as she also works full time. Working is her choice, as they could afford for her to retire early, but she says without work and her horse, she thinks her sanity would have departed long ago!
My DB and his wife have 3 DCs. My DB and his wife seem to believe they are entitled to a "child-free" break (usually a long-weekend every month or so). Normally, SILs parents (both retired) take the children as they live closer and also seem to be happy to have the children whenever DB and SIL choose. Which is fine, as it's their choice and they are happy to do it. My parents try to help, but due to circumstances it is less often. Partly, this is also because while she accepts it's their choice how they live their lives/spend their money, my mum doesn't feel that parents really need to have regular weekends away from their DCs, and while she will help for special occasions/every so often isn't really up for weekends every month or so. When she does babysit, she has to go and collect the children and drop them off- 45 minute drive each way- as neither DB or SIL drive.
Due to my grandmother staying with my parents, and especially in view of how she is feeling both physically and emotionally (sudden loss of vision in 1 eye and 6/36 vision in other, expressive and receptive dysphasia), my mum had to tell DB and SIL that she couldn't babysit as planned (she gave them 4 weeks notice of this, and they hadn't actually booked anywhere to stay as they like to try and get last minute deals). They went ballistic apparently, mainly because mum has still been helping out with my DD when I'm on night-shifts/on-call. This might seem unfair, but there is only 1 of her not 3, and DBs eldest has to have his own space and doesn't share a room with his brothers. DPs have 2 spare bedrooms and granny is in 1 of those, so this would not be possible. That, and I don't really have an option about my shifts (other than not to work). and since my ex-partner and I split he has moved abroad, meaning I'm on my own (whole other thread).
DM was really upset, then indignant- she told them to grow up and not ask her for childcare until they could apologise. DF, on the other hand, wanted to smooth things over and mum tends to want to keep him happy as her life is easier if he is (and she feels sorry for him too, I think)- so in the spirit of reconciliation she asked me if I could look after DBs DC as a favour to her.
Given the circumstances, I felt it would have been churlish to say no. So, I agreed to pick them up on Friday after dinner and then drop them off Sunday afternoon about 4pm. This was last week.
The eldest, DBs stepson, is 12 and has recently been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, and can be fussy about food etc- I telephoned SIL to find out what he is likely to eat, any problems I'm unlikely to run into/things he won't cope with. She wasn't very helpful, but said he'd probably eat fish-fingers and chips. The others, aged 7 and 3, will eat anything apparently
Then next day, DB phones and says "not to feed the others any posh stuff, they won't like it". I was a bit taken aback, but let it go. I hadn't planned on cooking anything I didn't think nephews would be unaccustomed to as a) I wouldn't want them to be uncomfortable, and the eldest has valid reasons for having a melt down if I did this and b) it would be a waste of food
On Saturday, all the children helped me make fish-fingers from scratch- they all really loved crumbing the fish etc. My DD doesn't like chips, so I made baby baked potato for her, and they had peas, sweetcorn and carrots. On Sunday we made pizza- they helped make dough and chose toppings. The eldest surprised me by joining in, and eating the food when cooked. They all got to help out with the horses and DDs pony, walking the dogs, went to the park etc. I thought it had gone quite well when I dropped them off.
I got a phone call yesterday from DB (with SIL pitching in on speaker phone) to complain about their stay. He was very rude, and kept on about how I'd "spoiled them" and how they can't stop talking about how much fun they had (not sure why this is a problem?) They now want to make pizza and help SIL with making dinner- apparently, this is a major hassle as they don't have time, SIL hates cooking and their DCs are disappointed. Now they are "turning their noses up" at shop bought pizza- I can't believe this after only 1 pizza making session. My answer to this was that I'd done them a favour by looking after their children, collecting them/dropping off- and in my home I will cook whatever I like.
I had actually thought I'd been considerate my cooking food I thought they'd like. The only valid complaint they had is that my middle nephew now wants to learn to ride, which I know is out of their reach financially- but I don't see how I could have anticipated that. It ended in a row, and I told them not to darken my doorstep again. I haven't mention this to my parents yet, as I think they've got enough on their plate at the moment.
Obviously, my DB felt differently and has informed our parents. My DM told him he had behaved badly. DF said he thought he'd been unreasonable, but that we should make up. I have refused until I get an apology.
Then DF phones today to say could I please babysit my nephews next week as DB/SIL have a chance to go away, but SIL parents can't take them and as situation with granny hasn't changed, my parents can't either.
I said no. DB and SIL haven't apologised and I don't see why I should help them out again. And why do they want me to when I've been so awful?
Dad has phoned again saying DB has been on the phone again putting pressure on mum to take them. Dad says I'm just being difficult as "I know how DB is" and "you really shouldn't do things the parents don't like, it's bound to upset them". 1) DB didn't specify activities his DCs couldn't do 2) he knows I have horses/dogs and they would need walking/fed/checked on etc while his DCs were staying. On this basis, I feel I haven't done anything unreasonable and I am not inclined to let this go (in no small part related to DBs past behaviour). I'm fed up and don't want to see him or his wife again. I'm also fed up with my dad's attitude towards my feelings about my brother and me not wanting a relationship with him.
AIBU to say no to looking after my nephews as I have not had an apology (I am aware this makes mum's life more difficult, but feel she needs to say no and stick to it- and tell dad to stop being such a sop to DB)?
And AIBU to want my dad to just accept that not only can DB be in the wrong, on this occasion he is? I don't want a relationship with DB, AIBU to expect my dad to accept this (he doesn't have to like it, just stop trying to force us together/guilt trip me into it)?
Sorry for the very, very, very long post. I don't want to drip feed and needed to let off steam!