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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep sending DS to nursery

27 replies

elsiewoo · 19/01/2014 13:29

DS has been going to nursery for 2 days a week for the past 18 months - he is 3.5

He has cried every single morning at drop off. Recently the tears before nursery have got much worse sand he is completely hysterical by the time I take him in. He can't explain what he doesn't like but he doesn't socialise well with other children and doesn't generally enjoy large groups. Until recently however he has got through the day ok and is generally in good spirits when I collect him.

I'm wondering if the recent ramped up hysterics is because he has just gained a new sister 4 weeks ago (which he is not happy about). Although I'm not at work currently i do need him to be there so I can get to grips with my new DD. But I feel like the worst mother in the world dragging him into nursery screaming every week.

He will start school in September- august birthday - so I hoped nursery would be good preparation and he has learned a lot. It is a lovely nursery and the staff are very good with him.

Should I take him out or try to find another nursery, or hope he settles down?

I just want him to be happy to go and to enjoy nursery but it feels impossible.

OP posts:

SpagBogs · 19/01/2014 14:04

Check if he has got autism or aspergers . Your DS should continue with Nursery because he is going to join school soon.

anniroc · 19/01/2014 14:37

He doesn't have to start school is Sept if he is an August baby - I didn't. You can defer for a bit ( until term after 5th birthday) Perhaps this would help? I don't think a lot of people realize this.

WorraLiberty · 19/01/2014 14:39

Can you send him for half a day at a time?

JenBehavingBadly · 19/01/2014 14:42

I think you're right that the ramping up has to be about you being at home with the new little interloper in his life. I'd keep sending him and be really upbeat and positive about how proud you are of him being so grown up.

Your DCs don't have to be in FT education till their 5 so you could defer a year if you want. My DS wouldn't have coped as a Aug baby as he was barely ready for school when he went as a summer born.

Fairylea · 19/01/2014 14:45

Really spag?! Sounds like normal young child separation anxiety due to new sibling etc etc. I don't think there is anything more to it than that - a new baby a young child is not happy about (as op says) can cause a child a lot of temporary anxiety.

I also used to hate other children and groups of people as a child - I'm "normal" (although I hate using that word).

I'd take him out for a bit and just take him along to play groups with you and the baby for a bit and let him find his feet and confidence with you there. He'll be a bit older if you delay starting school as previous poster says and so he should be in a better place to start school school then.

kinkyfuckery · 19/01/2014 14:47

The ramping up could well be because of the sibling, perfectly natural response but heartbreaking for you none the less.
How is he after you leave? My DD2 (5.5) still cries most mornings when I take her to school and did so through two years of nursery too, but I know she is absolutely fine 99.9% of the time once she is in and I have left.
What are the nursery staff doing to help the transition from home to nursery?

Original poster

elsiewoo · 19/01/2014 15:41

Well, nursery are concerned about his 'lack of social skills' so have referred him for assessment. My view is he is very sensitive and quite shy - although not with adults, only children.

He seems to settle after about 10 mins or so, eats breakfast etc. but occasionally gets tearful during the day.

Not sure what nursery do to help him settle, but there is always someone to give him a cuddle at drop off.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

ilovepowerhoop · 19/01/2014 15:48

if he is eligible for his free hours then could he do fewer hours each day but go more often so he is not having big breaks in between the days he attends e.g. dd and ds went for the morning session 5 days per week. It also means he has to wait less time each day until you collect him again.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/01/2014 15:55

hello OP,

My dc didn't go to nursery because they didn't settle and like you I wondered what to do.
There was a point when I had ds1 aged 3 and ds2 a baby, it wasn't too bad once I had got into a routine. My dh worked away a lot at the time and I was completely on my own with them, most of the time.
We have a lovely relationship now and they are grown up. Ds1 has often told me he remembers the nursery he went to and how he much preferred being at home with ds2 and myself.
If you do decide not to take the default option of nursery and pre school they do settle as easily as other dc once they get to school.
I certainly don't regret it for one moment and when it came to dd now 10 pre school/nursery wasn't even on the radar

Nancy66 · 19/01/2014 15:58

New baby comes in, he is shipped out. I'm pretty sure that's how he will be processing it.

I would take him out for a couple of months until he is used to his new baby sister.

Lara2 · 19/01/2014 16:00

Spag, preschool is far too young to diagnose Aperger's. There are lots of reasons that could be behind the OP's DS's behaviour as other posters have said.

stopprocrastinating · 19/01/2014 16:43

I went down the child minder route, however after 16 months I'd stick with it.

stopprocrastinating · 19/01/2014 16:44

Nephew hated nursery too. He doesn't have autism.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2014 16:47

Take him out for a while.

When you're more into a routine take him and new DC to toddler/Mother&Baby groups and socialise him that way.

He's too little to be that distressed imo.

Floggingmolly · 19/01/2014 16:51

The term after he turns five would be the next Autumn term, annioc, ie next September, when he'd have to go into Year 1.

wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 16:53

My oldest ds was like this for nursery.
Everyday i had to drag him there, kicking and screaming.
I also had a fight just to get him ready. But i had to drop dd off at school, so needed to.

He always had a great time at nursery, it was just the initial getting ready and going.

I never ever gave in, as i believed he would have been like that for school, and i know he needs to go there. I didnt want him to think id take him out for his kicking anf screaming, because with school you simply cant do that.

It was such an exhausting time. So i really feel.for you and understand your thoughts on wanting to take him out, as i thought about it many times.

Many times i walked into the nursery in tears. Completely drained by 9am off getting the kids to school and nursery.

He is now 9 and laughs about his nursery tantrums. He also enjoys school

Rooners · 19/01/2014 16:54

I had a child who really was upset at pre school, when I was expecting his little brother and my instinct was to take him out but everyone around me insisted he needed to keep going or he would never go to school.

I kept it up for about a term - it was awful. He did not settle, he cried for most of the sessions, on someone's lap.

Eventually his bro was born, I had had enough and took him out.

By that autumn he went to school FINE with no tears or any problems.

Ignore the rest of it - he is your child and he doesn't sound happy. Do what he needs you to do - he is totally helpless.

Hope you are Ok.

PrimalLass · 19/01/2014 17:01

You could try half days instead? My DS did the same - he just hated the long days. I wish I'd changed it to half days, maybe three mornings would have been better.

loveandsmiles · 19/01/2014 17:12

My DD2 hated nursery. She only went for 2.5hours each morning and would cry when I left. She just said she didn't like it but couldn't explain why. I stopped taking her and spent quality time with her and DD3 at home.

I then worried how she would be at school but she settled immediately and loves it .

Looking back, nursery was very unstructured and I think she just didn't know what to do. My other children loved nursery but children are all different in their likes and dislikes.

I wouldn't persist with him being upset daily...........

anniroc · 19/01/2014 17:12

Yes Floggingmolly, you can defer until then. I just think starting school after you've just turned four is very young and I recently read an article saying that most people don't realize children don't have to attend until they turn five.

collarsandcuffs · 19/01/2014 17:20

Most people don't realise they are to go into reception if they defer too not year 1, most councils offer year 1 but they are not meant to.

Hoppinggreen · 19/01/2014 17:58

I'm not sure but I think if you do defer they don't hold the school place so if Reception is full you won't get a year 1 place.

insancerre · 19/01/2014 18:05

If you defer until they are five, then they will go into year 1 as they will have missed reception.
if the school was over-subscribed for reception, then it is unlikely they will have a place in year 1

junkfoodaddict · 19/01/2014 18:06

You say he has been teary since starting 18 months ago but worsened when his sister arrived -

Have you thought that maybe he doesn't like that particulsr nursery? My friend had this problem with her toddler and she moved her and immediately she was happier.
The 'worsening' behaviour will be a result of new baby sister - perfectly normal in children who don't have 'issues', more so in a child WITH issues!

It is NOT too young to be diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism. My two cousins were diagnosed before formal schooling began and my DS's little friend was only just turned 2 when diagnosed with Autism.

I have taught several children with aspergers - all with varying degrees. one of which you could NEVER tell!!! I work with a colleague whose adult son has aspergers. Every Aspergers case I have dealt with have all been different; not one case the same.

It could be your son has a 'mild' case of aspergers and it could be that he is just a sensitive little boy. It certainly wouldn't so any harm to consult the experts about it.

Have you ever invited your son's nursery friends round for a playdate?

I know of a little boy who started nursery and had a terrible time adjusting because he had beenat home with mum all day, every day and hadn't attended any toddler groups or soft play so wasn't used to playing or sharing with children. It was a new concept to him and his social skills were, compared to his peers, under-developed until he started school where he 'caught' up.

lilyaldrin · 19/01/2014 18:17

If he still hasn't settled after 18 months I would assume this setting is not right for him, or the long days don't suit him.

Can you find another nursery that could offer 5 mornings or afternoons?

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