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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's parents should not laugh or encourage little girls

45 replies

winterchunderland · 19/01/2014 11:12

saying things like "I don't like boys" and visa versa.

We wouldn't accept these kind of negative generalisations as adults so where do they come from?
Shouldn't we try to encourage our children to play with the opposite gender?

AIBU to not understand why young children can often be heard being so negative or nasty about a group because of their gender?

OP posts:
Borka · 19/01/2014 11:14

Have you really never heard adults being negative or nasty about a group because of their gender?

Original poster
winterchunderland · 19/01/2014 11:16

Actually I have but it's not acceptable really is it?

OP posts:
Joules68 · 19/01/2014 11:18

I notice you day 'little' girls.......so not 14 year olds then?

They usually change their minds as they grow up op, so don't worry

FreyaFridays · 19/01/2014 11:20

Isn't it all part of very small children recognising and processing the fact that there are two sexes, and that they only belong to one of them?

MissPryde · 19/01/2014 11:20

It's all part of normal development, tbh. It's harmless. If you make a bigger deal out of it than laughing it off it's going to have more significance than it should. As long as they're not being nasty ("Bobby said I couldnt play builders because I'm a girl!") there's no need for intervention.

Summerblaze · 19/01/2014 11:24

It is a natural phase that all boys and girls go through. They play nicely with each other in infants, juniors its all about how awful they are and then by seniors they are hitching their skirts up in an effort to attract them.

Stop making an issue about a non-issue.

Supercosy · 19/01/2014 11:25

I wouldn't overthink it tbh. I agree with MissPryde. I'm not saying I would never challenge it but it would depend on the age of the child and the strength of feeling behind their comment. For example I would'nt think it was an issue for a 4 or 5 year old but my friends 10 year old says he "hates girls" in quite a nasty way so I do tell him that's not a very kind thing to say and talk to him about it.

Idespair · 19/01/2014 11:27

It's no big deal. My dd has a brother and no other siblings so she plays with him all the time. However at school, she chooses to play with girls most of the time. She is 5 but can clearly see that the boys are in general louder and more physical and she would like to have a peaceful game and chat with girls in the playground. It's not negative to state facts, it's just an observation. Girls are generally quieter and more thoughtful than boys at age 5. Of course, there are lots of exceptions but it is generally true and my dd can very obviously see that.

Original poster
winterchunderland · 19/01/2014 11:43

I disagree that it's not a big deal. Why is it ok to be mean or exclude due to gender at any stage? If kids were generalising about many other groups we would pull them up on it.

OP posts:
Mia4 · 19/01/2014 12:19

Children can be really cruel and spiteful when they want to be- picking on differences is an easy way for them to do that. And they will do what they want, so long as you aren't influencing them - i.e by saying 'boys are too rough, don't play with them, girls don't know how to have fun etc (nan I'm looking at you here)- which most parents won't anyway. Tbh it's older siblings that influence more and they make their own choices, and play with who they want.

But likewise it's not a big deal, unless it's exclusion of one child or a select few to the point of bullying.

Kids should be encouraged to play with who they want, though friendship grounds should be varied a bit in many different ways but never force kids to play with who they don't want to. If some kids get excluded, then they do. So long as it isn't bullying and excluding one child, then why care? I was reluctantly forced to play with my mum's friend, she thought they were lovely and variety was good. I fucking hated those kids after a few meet-ups. They would play with me fine when outside of school but would be cruel and bully inside of it, pretend i didn't exist and then try to play nice at weekends.

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 19/01/2014 12:27

Really Idespair?! Every playground I've seen the boys and girls are equally noisy! My 5 yo son plays with the girls quite often and assures me they aren't quiet and chatting rather than running around shouting. I'd be rather worried if any 5 year old wanted to play peaceful games and chat all the time Shock

I agree that they should be encouraged to play together winter though can't see what else you can do other than talk to them about it.

Summerblaze · 19/01/2014 12:33

My DD (nearly 10) will happily play with her brother or my friends son who is her own age when they are away from school. But if she is around her friends or if someone asks if she like , she replies with "I don't like boys".

I don't say "great idea DD, they are all horrible" but I don't call her on it either as I know it isn't really, exactly, definitely how she feels. It soon wears off and she will be chasing after them sooner rather than later. Only 4 years to go and she will be the same age as me and dh when we met.

Do you really think that these girls carry on hating boys forever. If that was the case then the human race is fucked.

Original poster
winterchunderland · 19/01/2014 12:37

Selfrighteous

I agree with you. I have heard recently a girl in my DS class say "no you can't play you're a boy" Also the boys are smelly thing.

I understand that this happens I just cannot understand why a gentle reminder from the parent that talking about a gender like that is not acceptable? I don't understand why parents think it's funny.

OP posts:
whatsagoodusername · 19/01/2014 12:44

I genuinely hated all boys when I was a child - as in I grudges the air they breathed. No idea why, I certainly wasn't encouraged to play/not play with them. I was at least 13 before there were a few boys whom I didn't mind that they existed.

Forcing me to play with them only would have made me resent the adult. I did have a teacher who admitted to having sat me at the tables with the rowdy boys because I was a calming influence. I hated sitting there.

I got over it. I now have two DSs.

Grennie · 19/01/2014 12:49

whaysagood - It was wrong of the teacher to use you in this way.

Boys hating girls and girls hating boys is part of normal development. Ignoring developmental stages and trying to force children to be like mini adults, is IMO wrong.

Original poster
winterchunderland · 19/01/2014 13:13

So greenie you would not pull up a child who excluded another from playing because of their gender? And you think it would be wrong to do so?

OP posts:
Grennie · 19/01/2014 13:32

If girls don't want to play with boys and vice versa, no I wouldn't make them. If they were saying really anti boy/girl comments, I would pull them up on that.

And making children play with one another when they really really don't want to, rarely works out.

firesidechat · 19/01/2014 13:33

Never seen this myself, either girls saying it or their parents, but I've heard it does happen.

My daughter's best friends as young children were two boys and the youngest carried on preferring boys to girls until she had to share a uni house with a few. That changed her mind slightly. Grin

scaevola · 19/01/2014 13:38

It's fine to laugh when small children say something ridiculous. It's one way of showing them that it is ridiculous.

If parents provide the widest possible range of activities for their DC, with different groups at different clubs and classes, then segregation is unlikely to occur to an unhealthy degree (unless you have chosen a single sex school and the only extra curricular activity is Brownies).

Original poster
winterchunderland · 19/01/2014 13:44

scaevola

but would people laugh if children were saying I don't want to play with you you're poor? I think not, they would be pulled up on it.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 19/01/2014 13:49

The trouble is that there are plenty of adult women who think it's not ok for women (particularly married women) to be close friends with men - that there has to be a sexual or flirty aspect to any such relationship. You see it on here often enough and even more elsewhere.

The narrative on this thread of all play together when little, then go through boy- or girl-hating phase, then get interested in the opposite sex in a quasi-sexual point of view. There's little space in that narrative for platonic friendships, which may be why so many adult women (and men) struggle with the concept and there end up being ridiculous statements like 'why do you want to spend time with him if you don't fancy him?' which has undertones of playground 'boys are yucky' attitudes.

I'd rather kiss my brother than my male mates, I'm confident my DH feels the same about his female best friend. But people still raise their eyebrows.

SpagBogs · 19/01/2014 13:51

I think ybu, little children do not really know what they're saying, if they don't want to play with boys thats fine.

Original poster
winterchunderland · 19/01/2014 14:05

Spag bogs
So if they don't want to play with a kid because they are poor is that ok?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 19/01/2014 14:17

It's normal, it's a phase, children grown out of it, we all did, no big deal, nothing to overthink.

TeacupDrama · 19/01/2014 15:00

you can't force friendships my DD mostly plays with girls she prefers that she is not horrible to boys, she has her friends; to force her to play with anyone whether boy or girl is not on, stopping a child being mean and nasty to another child is what adults are supposed to do