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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed again :( to just end it?

48 replies

facecreamandchocolate · 18/01/2014 22:34

My DP is great, he's very good to me and has always treated me well. I'm just getting sick of feeling let down. It was my Birthday in December, I had told him for months I had a night planned with girl friends and I'd like him to take me somewhere the next day (my actual birthday) even if it was dinner or cinema, just to do something with him for my present. He arranged something but on the day he told me he couldn't take me because he couldn't afford it. He had bought me presents, for both Christmas and my Birthday and waited on me hand and foot on the day to make up for it so I didn't feel too hard done by and let it go. Fast forward to two weeks ago he was meant to come pick me up from work (I don't drive) I knew he was coming so left my coat and purse at home. He text me an hour before I was due to finish work to say he was tired and could he see me another day instead. I'm nor allowed my phone till I finish work and he knows that so only saw the text as I was leaving. Tried ringing him to let him no I had no money for the train, no answer. Phone then died and I had to walk four hours to get home without a coat. I was angry, but he wasn't to know I had left my purse and coat at home, he was sleeping when I left work. I was mad at him for a bit, mainly because your hours walking is not fun, but let it go. Now on Friday (yesterday) he was meant to be picking me up from work and we had plans to go to the cinema tonight (Saturday) he rang me when I had finished work yesterday to say he was too tired to come get me but would see me tomorrow. Thankfully I had money on me this time! Anyway he turns up today, I'm all glammed up for the cinema, he says he can't take me he has no money can we stay in and he takes me tomorrow. I said how can you take me tomorrow but not today, he gives me a bunch of excuses that don't even make sense, I don't have my card, I have my card but money will only go through tomorrow, I have £10 in my car, I don't have £10.. I start getting angry what are you talking about? In the end he apologises for lying and admits he was just buying time because he cant take me tomorrow either.
I came on here mainly to vent! What's the point in lying and changing plans at the minute! I am very confused right now!

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 18/01/2014 22:37

He sounds like a waster. Get rid.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/01/2014 22:37

No point. It can only get worse surely? This is the phase of trying to impress each other! Not going well so far is it?

curiousuze · 18/01/2014 22:39

Finish it. Also start taking a coat, charged phone, and wallet out with you.

Jolleigh · 18/01/2014 22:39

How long have you been together? If this is very early days and he's actually interested I'd say he should be putting more effort in

zizzo · 18/01/2014 22:40

He certainly sounds like he has money problems. Or some kind of problems anyway.

Just a life tip for you that you already know - never depend on anyone to pay your way for you, even if you expect it, and never leave the house without your purse!

Original poster
facecreamandchocolate · 18/01/2014 22:40

We've been together nearly five years, he knew I was having a bad week and I wanted to go out tonight to get my mind off things! He's been there holding me all week when I've been crying three times a day! Why lie? I don't understand?! :(

OP posts:
Bubblegoose · 18/01/2014 22:42

If he's this unreliable now what do you think he'll be like in a year or two? Would you want to have kids with someone who's always this tired and rubbish?

Bubblegoose · 18/01/2014 22:43

X posts, just seen you've been together five years.

curiousuze · 18/01/2014 22:46

Has he always been like this or just the last few weeks?

Original poster
facecreamandchocolate · 18/01/2014 22:48

It's only been the last couple of weeks, since my Birthday.

OP posts:
AreYouBlueOrAreYouBlind · 18/01/2014 22:48

He sounds a bit useless, the letting you down and stupid lies.

I'd end it tbh, give yourself the chance to meet somebody who isn't so unreliable and flaky, and in the mean time enjoy being single and not constantly stressed out by somebody who can't really be arsed.

Five years is a long time.

Jolleigh · 18/01/2014 22:48

But if you've been together 5 years, why is there no leeway in the who pays for what thing?

Is there more going on that you're not mentioning?

I'm also going to second all those who tell you never to leave the house without your purse if you're relying on someone else to get you home.

Jolleigh · 18/01/2014 22:51

You started by saying he's great and yet it's taken just a few recent incidents to make you consider ending a 5 year relationship. There is surely more going on?

foslady · 18/01/2014 22:52

Rather than writing on here..........erm........ have you tried to talk to him and find out why he's suddenly being like this.........(said in the nicest possibly way......)

Original poster
facecreamandchocolate · 18/01/2014 22:53

We pay half, I can afford my half but he can't afford his. I was very silly to leave coat and purse at home, walking in the freezing cold and rain for four hours taught me that! But I didn't think it was a big deal as he's always come and picked me up when he says he is going to for five years, so it made sense to me to leave it at home at the time. Never again.

OP posts:
curiousuze · 18/01/2014 22:54

If you've been together 5 years then you should be able to ask him straight. Phone him up and ask him what's going on. Also can you not offer to pay for him if he's got no money?

Original poster
facecreamandchocolate · 18/01/2014 22:56

I have talked to him, he knows I'm feeling disappointed. He just keeps saying the same thing, he's sorry, and he'll make it up to me, not why he lied, not why he changed his mind at the last minute, when I ask he says he doesn't know. I'm just confused right now and really don't understand.

OP posts:
AreYouBlueOrAreYouBlind · 18/01/2014 22:58

Sorry cross posted, if it's new behaviour have a chat with him about it all. Let him know how you feel, and also see his side/response to things, then you can decide what to do.

AreYouBlueOrAreYouBlind · 18/01/2014 22:59

Gosh I'm slow, cross posted again. Ignore me. Grin

Jolleigh · 18/01/2014 23:02

Sorry OP but I'm failing to understand why you'd leave a 5 year 'great' relationship over just a few incidents, 2 of which are obviously money related. He could have a serious money issue that he's embarrassed about. And you've said that the walking home incident was the only time he's ever not picked you up when he said he would...once in 5 years isn't half bad.

I won't say YABU simply because I think there's more to this. But if there isn't, then maybe don't hold money issues against him?

Tulip26 · 18/01/2014 23:06

Couldn't you have borrowed money from a colleague or from petty cash for the evening instead of walking home? Irrelevant now I guess but just curious.

Original poster
facecreamandchocolate · 18/01/2014 23:12

I didn't actually meant should I end it, sorry I'm just very upset and confused right now and need to vent and hear other peoples takes on this. I understand money troubles I just don't understand lying and not telling me till the last minute :(

OP posts:
bellasuewow · 18/01/2014 23:16

Op people lie about money issues because they are in denial ashamed and frightened. Talk to him he may be feeling desperate.

Jolleigh · 18/01/2014 23:20

That'll be the embarrassment I'd have thought OP. If there's nothing else behind it, maybe organise more 'at home' cheap nights in? If he sees that you're not going to get pissed at him for being skint he might open up a bit more and tell you what's going on.

Fairenuff · 18/01/2014 23:28

You say that you have been with him for five years and his behaviour has only been like this the last few weeks, since your birthday.

Therefore, something has changed.

Do you genuinely believe that he cancelled on you because he was tired? That he didn't answer his phone to you because he was sleeping? If you do, then what is making him tired that wasn't before?

Lack of funds. If this is a new thing too, then why is it happening?

If he had changed his job recently, this might explain both. If not, then there is something else making him unavailable to you when he previously was and short of cash when he previously wasn't

Agree with others who say there must be more to this.