Re: My fiancee changed his mind about having a child with me

[flyernick]

I met my current fiancee when I had just turned 41 . I had just broken up with a previous boyfriend and he was everything I was looking for. At the time I was diagnosed with endiometriosis which can make it hard for having kids not to mention my age. He had been married for 17 years and has 2 teenage girls. I told him that I would like the option to have a child and he told me in the beginning that he would love to have a baby with me and that he loved kids. He is a really good father. So i was happy with that I knew i didn't have a great chance but just wanted to leave my options open. So we have been together for almost 2 years and we weren't really trying really hard but were having unprotected sex. I was never really that super crazy about being a mom. If it happened It would be great but if not was okay with that too. Too my surprise I actually got pregnant naturally this last November just before my 43 birthday. What a shock it was too me. I was a bit scared but then really happy. My fiancee seemed okay at first but then he started freaking out that he didn't think he wanted this child and it was really stressful for me. He was worried about the financial part and i guess of starting all over again. Eventually he came around and he was dealing with it. But then I had a miscarriage 8 weeks later. I was devasted but even though he said he was sad I felt like he was relieved. Anyways about a month passed and I told him I wanted to try again becus this would probably be the last chance I had to conceive as I had just turned 43. I didn't want to do any fertility treatments just try naturally and have unprotected sex to see if could happen again since I obviously new know that i could get pregnant. He absolutely refused and said he could not go thru with it again. Told me he did not want kids anymore. He had told me in the very beginning very strongly that he would and know he was changing his mind at the last possible moment when I really had no time left. So now I don't know what to do I am really devasted. I feel like i can't be with him anymore as I am going to resent him for denying me this when i absolutely had no time left . I mean I know realistically the odd are not in my favour and I realize it probably won't happen but I just want to try to see if it could. Am I being silly breaking up with him over this especially when I probably won't ever have kids now. It's not like I can just go meet someone new right away and say lets have kids. I have considered the sperm donor and maybe adopting but not sure if I can do on my own. I have been going crazy not sure what to do. He is willing to let me go if that is what I want. I know he really loves me and I love him too, but we have been having problems with our relationship as well lately and that could be the reason he does not want kids with me anymore as well, but he still wants to be with me , but will not change his mind about the kids. I really could use any advise anyone has.

thanks

If he's willing to let you go then I'd go. It's not something small. Having kids is something that will change your life for ever.

I'd consider going on a break and think about yourself, can you really marry him when he doesn't want kids etc if you can't then you know the answer

sorry OP

Thanks for your message. Ive suggested going on a break not sure if he would consider that he will just say if we do that then it will really be over. I guess its just becus of my age and the fact that if i leave this relationship i will lose him and any really chance of a child as well as don't think my family would support me in having a child on my own with sperm donor and it would hard without the help from family

How about a few days away on your own to think about things?

It would be hard op, but you could do it. Plenty of people do. My friend did this and had two children. Its hard, she hasn't got any family within a 5 hour drive, but she is happy. She's made a good support network of friends where she is too.

It might not be too late. There is still a chance, however small that you might meet someone willing to have children soon. It sounds like there is no chance with you current partner.

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

If you stay then you are accepting that you won't have children. Will you be happy with this and furthermore will it make you resent him down the line.

Splitting up with him sounds like the best thing you could do.

You don't sound like you will be able to be happy with him without a child, so even if you leave him and still don't have a child, at least you would have the chance of being happy.

If you stay with him, is he likely to want to start using contraception? Because that could cause problems.

It

It was unfair of him to say he would like a baby then change his mind in this way. But at the same time it seems sad to split up if you both still have feelings for one another. A miscarriage can be a very difficult thing to get through. Have you considered some counselling.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position

You are both being completely reasonable, you are being reasonable to want a child and to do whatever you feel you need to to have one. I can complelety understand you wanting to end your relationship. He is being reasonable to have changed his mind and decided he doesn't want anymore children, perhaps the reality of your pregnancy made him realise it wasn't what he wanted at his stage of life

In these situations the resentment is the problem, in sure you recognise it's ok for him to change his mind but I'm also sure you feel resentful that he has. Do you think you'll be able to forgive him if you never have a child?

You must do whatever will make you happiest though I know it won't be easy for you either way x

Sorry he's done this to you OP

I had a similar-ish dilemma with a DP. I don't have endometriosis & I'm in my 30s.

I decided to leave because I knew I wouldn't be happy with him, resentment & disrespect for him changing his mind.

If I left at least I gave myself the opportunity to be happy. I said this to him after the charmer said "what if you don't find anyone else?"

I'm with someone else & we have a DD

For you

Do you really want a baby.

If your answer is yes, then you need to get out of this relationship and look into other options.

You don't mention his age. Tbh I really sympathise with both of you. I do believe that in the course of 2 years ones ideas about kids can really change. However, you seem to have such a sensible, accepting attitude about kids that it seems mean of him not to let nature take its course. Can you reconcile yourselves by taking a little time out?

Good luck.

Fortydoors is right op. You wont be able to have a child with him and if this means alot to you yoi need to move on. I was in a slightly similar situation years ago. I ended up having Dd on my own and it was challenging but fine. Much better than having someone around who doesn't want to be there.

Thanks for all the comments it helps to talk about things . I am currently seeing a therapist and I think a break would help . I told him I need some space but he is not good at giving me that . He is 46 and I kinda broke up wih last week saying I needed sometime but he keeps texting me all the time and it makes it hard . He says I'm just making it all about the child and shud be about our relationship. The problem is when I was pregnant I felt really happy about it and before that I had mixed feelings about having kids was unsure about it so I don't know if the miscarriage has clouded my judgment becus it was so painful . I have to figure out I guess if I really want kids . In hoping he can understand this but he is a really insecure person becus he was abandoned as a child so I think he feels I'm ananding him too .

It's still early days from having your miscarriage and I am sure your emotions and hormones are all over the place. I don't think you should rush into any decision at the moment I think you need to give yourself time to grieve for your loss, both of you.

I don't agree with the other posters that say you should end your relationship and move on to a man that can give you a baby this to me would be a very knee jerk reaction to your current situation and one which you may live to resent or regret.

In any relationship there are always compromises to made, stumbling blocks to overcome and not everything goes to plan.

From what you have said you both love each other but I would suggest you give yourselves time to absorb what's happened, reconnect as a couple and focus on your relationship. I think your DP makes a valid point about this.

People can change their minds and that's ok, you sound like you have to over the course of the relationship from discussing at the beginning that you want kids to not being sure and then being happy when you found you were pregnant.

Just wanted to add a different perspective to what others have said.

How do you feel about your DP potentially no longer being part of your life?

I think that this is very important. He initially said he wanted children than changed his mind halfway through, that's not fair. He has children, he's alright but you still want them. You want two different things, I would consider braking up, this is a huge thing. If you stayed with him, and you did nit try for children, you will end up resenting him.

Its not a random he's changed his mind halfway through a relationship though is it? He's just lost a child too. Miscarriage is awful. Its tough for women to cope with and its tough for men too. Especially if he'd come to terms with the pregnancy and started to map out family life in his head. I'm sorry for both your loss. Grief affects us all in different ways.

I've had a few miscarriages (three and a chemical pregnancy). DH was very distressed by them. I had two DC from my first marriage and he was the one particularly keen to have a larger family. He was the one who suggested we use protection for a while, stop trying for a bit as it was so stressful and he was scared how it would effect us.

Baby drive can take over a relationship, not that i'm suggesting this is whats happened - but it might be what he's scared of. He may also be worried that its in some way his fault. There just aren't answers to why these things happen.

You say you both love each other thats a very good starting point for talking isn't it?

He is entitled to change his mind but he should also accept that you are entitled to re think the relationship as he has been quite unfair.
He doesn't seem to care about what you want or need, he won't even give you space to think,,, I wouldn't want a child with someone so controlling and suffocating, nor a relationship.
I would finish it ASAP and start thinking about your choices and options on how to become a parent, this may well be likely a solo endeavour but you sound like you know what you want.
Good luck op, you are worth more than him.

It might just be too late to have a biological child but if you still want one you should leave him and probably do it on your own as at your age the chance of meeting someone soon enough is probably quite small. Would be agree to a round of fertility treatment even if you agreed that he didn't need to stick around? Could you consider adoption?

I would leave in your situation. Wanting a child isn't something you can just get over.

I would go it alone. It's a shame if your family wouldn't support you, but you'll manage.

Being pregnant has turned your "if it doesn't happen then it will be ok" to a "if it doesn't happen I will be gutted". I totally get it, I was ambivalent about children at 35 and then I got pregnant and then In the space of a week I definitely wanted to become a mother and went on to have DD. I think the reverse for your fiancée has happened, the pregnancy had made it real and he really doesn't want to be a father again. You are both entitled to feel the way you do and that includes your disappointment.

Given your age and fertility issues the chances of you going full term are dramatically reduced. There is no time for the husband and 2.4 kids ideal anymore. If you really really want a child and your partner doesn't than you only option is to go it alone and damn fast.

It's a shame it has come to this but at the time of your engagement time was never really on your side for "If it does happend great, if it doesn't happen fine".

Shit! Sorry, you have just had a miscarriage. My comments still stand but I could have put it more sensitively. Understandably your emotions and hormones are all over the place. You are doing the right thing in taking some time for yourself and your fiancée is being insensitive (given his change of heart on the subject) in not givining you that space.

Sorry for your loss.

I think he has told you the relationship is not going to last.

He has made the choice already.

When it comes to either having a baby with you and keeping you or not having a baby and the fact you being unhappy and the relationship breaking down, he has chosen the latter.

Leave and get a sperm donor.

I know so many women who are raising their children on their own and making a damn good job of it with or without family support that I really don't think you should have any qualms about going it alone. Yes it is tough and a complete life changer but if you were happy when you were pregnant then I think you should definitely go for it the sooner the better.

When I got pregnant with first born we had just moved into a different area miles from where we had been living, I have no family at all and a dh who worked away for months at a time. I met so many other mums to be at the pre natal and post natal classes and because we were all going through the same things we all gave each other support.

3 of them I am still great friends with to this day. If I am perfectly honest I found raising my children on my own easier without dh around than when he is home.

I agree mores rig, I have had a couple if mc and they are very distressing. Op said when she had it, he looked relieved! That dies not sound right. Yes he us entitled to change his mind, just as much as she is entitled to want a child. He is not considering her feelings, and not respecting her request for space. This would mean big fat red flags fir me in a relationship. He gas children already, mabey he might be best suited to a woman with children already of who does not want them!