Re: My fiancee changed his mind about having a child with me

[flyernick]

I met my current fiancee when I had just turned 41 . I had just broken up with a previous boyfriend and he was everything I was looking for. At the time I was diagnosed with endiometriosis which can make it hard for having kids not to mention my age. He had been married for 17 years and has 2 teenage girls. I told him that I would like the option to have a child and he told me in the beginning that he would love to have a baby with me and that he loved kids. He is a really good father. So i was happy with that I knew i didn't have a great chance but just wanted to leave my options open. So we have been together for almost 2 years and we weren't really trying really hard but were having unprotected sex. I was never really that super crazy about being a mom. If it happened It would be great but if not was okay with that too. Too my surprise I actually got pregnant naturally this last November just before my 43 birthday. What a shock it was too me. I was a bit scared but then really happy. My fiancee seemed okay at first but then he started freaking out that he didn't think he wanted this child and it was really stressful for me. He was worried about the financial part and i guess of starting all over again. Eventually he came around and he was dealing with it. But then I had a miscarriage 8 weeks later. I was devasted but even though he said he was sad I felt like he was relieved. Anyways about a month passed and I told him I wanted to try again becus this would probably be the last chance I had to conceive as I had just turned 43. I didn't want to do any fertility treatments just try naturally and have unprotected sex to see if could happen again since I obviously new know that i could get pregnant. He absolutely refused and said he could not go thru with it again. Told me he did not want kids anymore. He had told me in the very beginning very strongly that he would and know he was changing his mind at the last possible moment when I really had no time left. So now I don't know what to do I am really devasted. I feel like i can't be with him anymore as I am going to resent him for denying me this when i absolutely had no time left . I mean I know realistically the odd are not in my favour and I realize it probably won't happen but I just want to try to see if it could. Am I being silly breaking up with him over this especially when I probably won't ever have kids now. It's not like I can just go meet someone new right away and say lets have kids. I have considered the sperm donor and maybe adopting but not sure if I can do on my own. I have been going crazy not sure what to do. He is willing to let me go if that is what I want. I know he really loves me and I love him too, but we have been having problems with our relationship as well lately and that could be the reason he does not want kids with me anymore as well, but he still wants to be with me , but will not change his mind about the kids. I really could use any advise anyone has.

thanks

He was freaking out about the baby before mc, no that's not right

Flyer: If you stay with him you will resent him forever.
If you leave you are free to get on with your life without that resentment.

Ignore his texts.

Best wishes to you.

It really boils down to, do you want the chance (even if it's a slim one) of having a child vs being in a relationship with your partner, coz you can't have both. You partner changing his mind is disappointing but be honest, your fertility issues and your age are the real barriers to whether you have a child naturally. If you really want to try for a child then you will probably be doing it on your own, at least in the beginning.

Again, sorry for your loss and good luck.

If you want a baby, you can have one, but probably not his. Your own fertility might be declining but if you use donor eggs/embryos then it doesn't really matter how old you are.
You can have the life you want. Go for it.

Hello, I just wanted to say I am I a very similar position. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years married for 16 months, last June I got pregnant and found out in September the baby had died. We had been waiting on genetic testing before we started to try again, we got the results last Friday and he told me he didn't want children, i was devastated and after a huge row i left him.

He has eventually agreed to go to counselling as he doesn't want to split up. But with took me leaving and then texting saying i was moving out to click how serious i am about wanting a baby. Turns out now i am actually pregnant again (not sure how it happened) and he has done a complete u turn and says he wants the baby (I don't really believe him) but we'll see what happens!

Any who my advice is to keep talking, and encourage counselling and if you ever need a friendly ear to talk to please pm me!

I see your dilemma, but I don't think you should push a man into having children, really. Either you need to find someone a bit younger perhaps, who is keener, or stay with this one and learn to cope with the idea of not having children. Or go it alone (although that would be really tough at 43+, believe me, really really tough).

Being pregnant has turned your "if it doesn't happen then it will be ok" to a "if it doesn't happen I will be gutted". ... I think the reverse for your fiancée has happened, the pregnancy had made it real and he really doesn't want to be a father again. You are both entitled to feel the way you do and that includes your disappointment.

This exactly sums up what I was going to say. Both of you have had your mind changed by experience, nobody is in the wrong, and nobody should be expected to change their mind.

He's perfectly entitled to change his mind and you're perfectly entitled to consider it a deal breaker. But it isn't fair to demonise him for it. He is clearly still wanting a relationship, I do agree that you should be together for each other not a possible child (and I know that will sound heartless at this moment in time).

You only have one decision, what do YOU want to do? Leave him and search for another man who will agree to start a family 5 minutes after meeting you? As has been suggested, find a sperm donor? Or live with a man you may love, who may love you and live a possibly perfectly happy child free life?

Only you know which will fulfil you most!

I think he is wise to ask you to consider the relationship you have together, and put this first. Neither of you are spring chicken. He is 46 and have older teenagers. He has been able to be there for them, and it is a massive difference between becoming a mum/dad at 30, compared to at 43 and 46. Having a newborn is exhausting, and it does change your relationship.

How keen on children are you really, if you have lived to the grand age of 43 without wanting kids?

Also, he may want to protect you from more heartbreaks, another miscarriage, or also the statistics of older mums and problem pregnancies or risk of children having special needs. Or he may simply not want to start again with sleepless nights, nappies, feeding, crying, and the whole cycle of supporting children through school etc.

I am 42, my kids are 11 and 8. I sometimes feel I am too old to deal with the issues they bring.

Think about it, you will be what, 52 or 55, dealing with preteens, and close to 60 with a stroppy teenager. At 70 your child will perhaps leave secondary education and embark on Uni life. At 75 they graduate, at 80 you become a grandma.... How much support will you be able to offer your child through it their life? Will they have a sibling? Or will they be alone in dealing with two elderly parents in their late teens or early twenties?

Why not embrace the love and the great relationship you have?

What is the alternative? Going it alone, get pregnant with a virtual stranger, have a one night stand, and in that way ensure that your child grows up with the support of ONE parent only, and should the burden of an elderly parent totally on its own.

I am speaking from the perspective of having an 86 year old dad who had a stroke 11 years ago and who has spent the time since then paralyzed and in a wheelchair. And a mum who developed Alzheimers at 70 and who is now 78 and has been in a care home the last 3 years. My perspective is very coloured by this. I have had a true nightmare sandwiched between elderly and care needing parents, and the needs of young children. I have had a very helpful and loving husband in this, and also a sister to help me shoulder the burden and the responsibility. My mum was 30 when she had me. You will be nearly 15 years her senior when you have your first baby. What guarantees do you have that you will stay fit and healthy?
Is it fair on the child?

None of us have guarantees, but why take the risk?

I don't think it'd be that tough! The older you are, the more likely you are to have a good career in place, financial stability and you know your own mind too!

How would you feel of the relationship breaks down in 5 years and then you find out he is having a child with someone much younger?

I don't know of this is helpful, but I have known it happen. I really think in the situation you need to put your hopes and dreams first. I think you would always resent your partner if you just gave up on children. I know it wouldn't be healthy for me and my husband to continue our relationship if we were in the same dilemma.

Do you think that it's the MC that has changed his mind? After my MC last February I categorically stated I would never try again - I was that heartbroken. Nearly one year on, & a year of counselling, I am now pregnant again & feeling more positive.

Would couples counselling help?

You need to think how important having children is to you, it's difficult but not impossible, my friend is 52 and has a 9 year old and 7 year old, without any fertility treatment. You do not want to end up resenting him, he has children of his own so does not really know how you feel! You do need time apart to think about things, and he should give you the space and respect to do this. It seems that he is putting his feelings first, without considering yours! Only you know what's important. Can I ask, why did you leave having children so late!

Firstly, so sorry for your loss. That is terrible.

You have to decide what you want most. Think about it really, really carefully. How much do you love this man? Could you imagine 10 year down the line, being a happy married couple, carefree, going on holidays together, meals out, loving each other? Do you think you could not resent him in the long term? I mean, you have come this far NOT wanting children at all. Do you think you could go back to that eventually? Could you resign yourself to this, accept that in life we cannot always have it all?

I am lucky in that at least I have one DC (from a previous relationship) and 3 beautiful DSD. However, I really, really, really wanted another child of my own with DP. I still struggle to cope with broodiness and have had to fight feelings of resentment about us not being able to afford another child etc... So I do empathise with that broody feeling. It is such a strong urge. I had to decide whether the slight (but not guaranteed) chance of having a baby on your own is worth sacrificing a loving relationship with this man.

I really sympathise with your dilemma. Good luck.

YANBU, HIBU, and having a child is not something it's ever ok to change your mind over as people have said above, actually, any more than getting a dog, for example, which is something people are condemned for changing their mind over on MN all the time yet far less serious than changing their mind over having a child when you're already pregnant, ffs. I really hope you find a way to sort this out how YOU want, no one else has the right to dictate your fertility.

having a child is not something it's ever ok to change your mind over

I disagree, as long as the child has not been born.

Nobody should enter into parenthood just because they are "polite" or want to honour an agreement.

They need to want the child.

The younger mums I know all seem very tired, it is the older mums I know who seem to have much more energy. I am one of those 50+ yr olds with pre teens and one teenager. My friend just turned 50 and hers are 13 12 and 3.

I think your partner is being very unfair to deny you a child when he has already got 2 children. He must have thought this through when he started going out with a childless 40 year old regardless of the fact you said you were ambivalent about children.

You say you are having problems in your relationship too and I think if you stay together this relationship will not last. These problems and the fact that you will end up resenting him because of the childless state it will leave you in will take too much of a toll.

Telling you that you are making it all about having a child as opposed to your relationship is disregarding your needs in this relationship.
That he refuses to let you have time to think things through and the fact that he is turning this into you abandoning him makes me want to say run for the hills.

End it now so you have a chance to have a child.

As someone up thread has already said, How would you feel if 10 years on you split and he has a child with a younger woman. I too have seen this happen before.

Well only you can decide if he is more important to you than the possibility of having a child. He has already decided that NOT having a child is more important to him than you. Also you said your relationship had other problems recently. I know what I would be doing... how will you feel if the relationship eventually breaks down anyway?

I was also going to say that if you went down the sperm donor route you might be alone in the beginning but you wouldn't necessarily be alone for ever. You could meet another partner and at that age they are more than likely to have children of their own from past relationships as well, so you could all end up living happily together as a blended family.

I agree Annie totally, that would be a massive deal breaker for me in op position. There were problems in the relationship before, op longing fir a child will only exacerbate things, when her time is up fir children, she could feel resentful. He only seems to be thinking of himself, and not considering op feelings at all. He's alright jack, he has children so he's done that, but to deny op of the opportunity of becoming a mum is very selfish, being understanding, letting her go so that she can become a mum down different routes. He is making it about himself, seemed relieved when she mc, massive deakbreaker!