To feel hurt, betrayed and awfully sad

[Quietlydrowninginmyownanxiety]

I have found some financial statements of DH's when I was in the paper recycling bag looking for my own bank statement that I accidentally binned.

I have just found out he is SIX GRAND in debt.
I had absolutely no idea. I feel sick as we were only at the bank today to discuss a home improvement loan (thank feck we didn't take the money straight away!)

There is £1000 overdraft on his bank account that his wages oh into and bills come out of.
£2500 on a card card, paying 17.9%, which I had no idea he had.
£2500 overdraft on a bank account that he was supposed to close in 2011! I gave him £800 which I borrowed from my mum to pay off the existing overdraft and he assured me it had been closed.

AIBU feel gutted that he hasn't been honest? I have my own credit card, which has been used to pay for things such as a kitchen and we used it to pay for a maintenance package when we bought a new car (old one died and had to be replaced). Other than that it's never used, is on 0%, and is due to be paid off in 12 months.

Historically we've talked about getting a joint account, which he was reluctant to do, said that it was a faff changing the direct debits which I agreed with.

He has been very poorly over the last 2 years and has been off work for 5 months with depression and he had a breakdown.

I've told him we need to have a chat to 'prioritise' the finances, but geared it to sound like I'm talking about the home improvement loan as the repayment the bank were expecting was a bit steep.

He looked concerned but agreed.

He was hovering over me today whilst I looked in the recycling, clearly panicking that I'd found something. Incidentally, less that five minutes later the recycling was in the bag outside!

Hey there. If he had a breakdown and was depressed then try not to be too upset. It may be linked to his mental health rather than pure deceit iyswim. Good luck.

YANBU to feel hurt and upset at his lack of honesty about his financial position.

But think carefully about whether it's really a good idea to become more closely financially linked with someone you already know is not managing their money well.

It sounds like you may need to think again about what is affordable and about how you will fund future projects....

What has he spent the money on, though? Is he frittering money away on shite, or is this just bog-standard living expenses - i.e. are you living above your means and not realising?

Either way, it looks like you need to take firm control - a nightmare for you. I'm sorry.

You poor thing.

I found out we were £several tens of thousands in debt 5 years ago.......well, that was a blow.

Long story short, 5 years later we have paid it all off using a debt management plan and next month will be the first month we will actually see some sort of disposable income.

It nearly split us for good. We did split for 5 months.

My DH had no idea how to look after money and I had no idea that he didn't.

I am now in control of the finances and know exactly how much we have and where it is. What a long hard slog.

You need to find out WHY he has difficulty with finances, the root cause of it and deal with that or it won't get better and he won't help you save the situation.

When you know why, you know how to deal with it.

It is very odd that people are telling you to tie you finances in more with someone who isn't being financially sensible

You definitely need to talk about what has happened and about him lying to you (saying he'd paid the OD off and closed the ac) but given his illness/depression I'd go very carefully.

Thanks everyone. Tbh I think the majority of it is spent on shite like guitar magazines, treats out (meals for the family etc).

We def have enough money to live comfortably, joint income of £50k, £100k mortgage, one holiday a year (two years staycation, third year is a foreign hol). Just can't believe it, my mind is racing now. Shitting myself about other possible financial fuck ups he's made...

And never, ever, ever put financial or personal info into recycling, without first removing all identifying details. Or, better still, shred first, then recycle.

I had no idea he was using two account. Regularly say 'are you sure?' 'Can you afford it?' Etc and it's always met with 'haven't used my bank in a few months' 'lent someone £30 at work and they gave it me back today'

I think it's down to his illness, tonight will be potentially unpleasant and upsetting, fucking dreading it!

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato

I couldn't believe he didn't keep them! I don't bin anything financial, that's why I was fishing for the statement of my own. Panicked when it wasn't on the kitchen counter!

I think he will find you know somewhat as a relief in the end... financial terror won't be helping his mental state.

If this isn't a deal breaker for you then it'll be time to take over totally the financial side of your lives and him in getting well again.

I'm so sorry, you must be gutted.

We'll work through it, I don't doubt it one bit.

We've been through worse;
abandonment from his side of the family in July
Several suicide attempts and threats by DH over the last 2 years
DSD being a complete cow with us

Just thought I was through the worst of it, the light at the end of the tunnel has just disappeared

YANBU

I'm so sorry he's done this to you, it's the lieing more than anything isn't it?

Good luck for tonight, don't let him shirk responsibilty or blame you. If you're going to work through this he needs to be completely honest and be genuinely sorry

Could he have been a bit financially naive, and is in a panic because of having got so severely in debt, afraid to admit, afraid to ask for help, feeling under pressure to behave as though nothing was wrong? In a vicious circle, if he is ill with stress or depression.

He shouldn't be financially naive HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato, but when he was at his worst (in the months after his breakdown) he couldn't even tell the difference between a sock and a bath towel when sorting the washing out.

poster IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi, you're right about the lying thing.

I think the worst things are that he's hiding the financial mess he's in and that he's probably more ill than he is letting on. With either of these the key is that he's not being entirely honest. Whether he's fully aware of how much he's burying his head in the sand remains to be seen. Roll on tonight...

I hope you don't think Im being insensitive & that I'm missing the point, but Barclaycard are offering 0% for 20 months.

Just so you know that you can spread the debt without racking up interest.

Hope it goes ok x

Don't think you're insensitive at all, don't worry sharonosaurus.

I'm not sure how to repay it. I worry that with a credit card there may also be spending opportunities for him.

Joint account is a must. I'm going to ask that he transfers all his direct debits to my account including his wages and I'll add his name to my account. I feel quite mean but if he doesn't agree I'll have to wonder why he doesn't want to join up our finances.

He has borrowed £800 from you and lied about closing down an account. I would want to know exactly where that money went. I would want old statements from the bank to make sure he hasn't been gambling it away or seeing another woman.

I think the lying is a really big deal and I would be trying to extricate myself from any liability for his debt, not tying myself in deeper. There are ways of you taking control of his finances without joining your own to his.

"He has been very poorly over the last 2 years and has been off work for 5 months with depression and he had a breakdown."
Along with all the rest of what you listed - for your DH. I agree with gamerchick - "I think he will find you know somewhat as a relief in the end... financial terror won't be helping his mental state." I would suggest approaching him from the viewpoint of 'I know about the debts and I think worrying about them and hiding them from me is making you ill. They're not hidden, I know about them. I think it would be better for your health if you just gave me all the details and I dealt with them from now on. Your health is more important to me than anything else.' Hopefully he'll fess up to anything else that might be lurking, and you will know where you stand and what best to do with the debts.

"Joint account is a must."
Yep. It might be best if you take total control of the finances for a while, not for 'control', but just to take that particular pressure off him. When his mental health improves he can start taking responsibility back; but it might be best for both of you if he doesn't have to think about finances for a bit.

"I worry that with a credit card there may also be spending opportunities for him."
Not neccessarily - open the account, move the debt to the 0% interest and start chipping it away. Destroy the card, or just keep it somewhere he can't access it.

You can transfer the credit card debt to a 0% card while you pay it back and just cut up the card so he can't use it.

What an excellent, compassionate and practical post, WhereYouLeftIt

Thanks for the advice WhereYouLeftIt
I'll have to try and shop around for a credit card that will give me six grand of credit straight away.

LouiseAdeyrn, I understand what you're saying but I'll happily take on the debt and share the burden. To me that's what a marriage is all about. He was stood in the sea, knee deep in water 12 months ago. I doubt he's got the mental strength or energy for seeing another woman.

sharonosaurus has things well sussed.

I really do think that his depression and debt are interlinked, one needs to be sorted to deal with the other. You could maybe gain control of the debt to sort the depression, but I doubt you could sort the depression to sort the debt!

What whereyouleftit said.

I wouldn't even "have a go", I would simply tell him that you know and you will help him sort it all out and from now on you both need to budget together and deal in cash only.

Obviously in the short term the reality will be you sorting it all out but hopefully as he improves it can be more shared.