To feel hurt, betrayed and awfully sad

[Quietlydrowninginmyownanxiety]

I have found some financial statements of DH's when I was in the paper recycling bag looking for my own bank statement that I accidentally binned.

I have just found out he is SIX GRAND in debt.
I had absolutely no idea. I feel sick as we were only at the bank today to discuss a home improvement loan (thank feck we didn't take the money straight away!)

There is £1000 overdraft on his bank account that his wages oh into and bills come out of.
£2500 on a card card, paying 17.9%, which I had no idea he had.
£2500 overdraft on a bank account that he was supposed to close in 2011! I gave him £800 which I borrowed from my mum to pay off the existing overdraft and he assured me it had been closed.

AIBU feel gutted that he hasn't been honest? I have my own credit card, which has been used to pay for things such as a kitchen and we used it to pay for a maintenance package when we bought a new car (old one died and had to be replaced). Other than that it's never used, is on 0%, and is due to be paid off in 12 months.

Historically we've talked about getting a joint account, which he was reluctant to do, said that it was a faff changing the direct debits which I agreed with.

He has been very poorly over the last 2 years and has been off work for 5 months with depression and he had a breakdown.

OP I'm speaking as someone who has been in a financial mess and hidden it from my loved ones. I got myself tied up in knots, and I ended up burying my head in the sand about the whole thing. When the fallout came, it was hideous, but there was also a sense of relief that it was all out in the open. From your DH's point of view, I would just say have the conversation in a supportive way, not a blaming way if that makes sense. It's important that everything hidden comes out in the open tonight, and if he feels massive upset from you, he may be less likely to confide.

I hope you don't think I am being unsympathetic to you - I am so sorry for what you're going through. I just wanted to offer some perspective from someone who's been on the other side.

Quietly, in case you're not aware, you'll be unable to balance transfer from his card to a card in your name. Just in case you were planning on getting a card to do this in your name. He would have to be able to afford it in his own name and any existing debt will be taken into account even if you tell them you will be clearing the other balances.

There are options, make sure you look into them all before taking out more credit to clear existing credit off.

Getting a £6k limit on a credit card straight away isn't as easy as it used to be.

This goes without saying but you'll need to find out exactly how much debt he's got and whether it's all paid and up to date. Probably your best bet would be getting his credit report from the various credit reference agencies (some lenders show up on some agencies and not others).

Something similar happened to us about 2 years ago. In fact I could have written your OP almost word for word.

Practically this is what we did to get back onto an even keel:

1. Freeze the credit card accounts.DH just asked the companies and they did it for him and were happy to send out documentation to prove it. Don't hide or cut the card up if you have any doubts that he may do this again, he can very easily send of for a new one.

2. Open a bank account in your name only to do the work of a joint account ie bills, mortgage. Don't get a joint account with all this going on, it'll only tie you in to this debt. Get him to pay in what you need to keep the house ticking over and everything apart from the debts paid.Do this by direct debit so he only has to do this once and then not think about it again. That way if he has an other episode your household expenses are covered.

3. Pay off the highest interest loan first, working down to the lowest. Move money about so that you get the best deal on interest but do not take on any of this debt yourself. In our case DH's recovery hinged a lot on him taking ownership of the problem himself.

Emotionally, it just takes time to rebuild the trust. Do you think it would benefit your DH to see his GP about organising some more treatment or support?

You can balance transfer between names, we've done it several times.

He receives lots of support from his gp and has has 16 sessions with a clinical psychologist over the last 2 years.

Sadly, once he has paid the mortgage and household bills he only has about £100 left to spend each month, I pay for the council tax, parties, presents etc, food and holidays. The only one of us with real spendable income is me. I could take on extra household bills which would free up his money, but would he spend that too?!

Sadly, once he has paid the mortgage and household bills he only has about £100 left to spend each month, I pay for the council tax, parties, presents etc, food and holidays. The only one of us with real spendable income is me. I could take on extra household bills which would free up his money, but would he spend that too?!

So work out all combined essential household expenses and work out a share in proportion to his income. Then he pays that amount into the new account and you supervise payment of all the essential bills

Do a strict and realistic budget, work out how much you can really afford as a family to apply to the debts, and do so.

On relationships this week, a lady admitted stealing her DPs credit card (she was depressed too ) and the consensus of opinion was that HIS money was family money and she should be spending it because clothes and make up were necessities to make her feel better.

interesting really how the boards differ when genders are reversed

OP... So sorry for your troubles but please, whatever else you do, stop putting your anything with your financial details in the recycling bin. Thieves are targeting general waste skips for bank details, personal details that can be used. Paper recycling centres are no more secure. Be very careful.