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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this remark at work offend you?

45 replies

barleysugar · 18/01/2014 08:33

"When I first met you, I thought you had 'mummy' written all over you"

And

"Mummy brain" used repeatedly.

This is my (female) boss by the way!

And when we did first meet it was four years before I had any children!

It's starting to get on my nerves really. I just laugh along and pretend I do have a brain like a sieve while seething inside!

OP posts:

chickydoo · 18/01/2014 08:34

I assume she doesn't have children.

Pagwatch · 18/01/2014 08:34

Yes, it would be getting on my nerves too.

Rollermum · 18/01/2014 08:34

Yes to both! Undermines women in the workplace.

Preciousbane · 18/01/2014 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stuckunderababy · 18/01/2014 08:36

I would find it rude and offensive and have to pull her aside and say something. But then pretending you have a brain like sieve doesn't do you any favours. That's unprofessional in my eyes. Why would anyone want to be seen like that at work

Hassled · 18/01/2014 08:36

Yup, that's pretty damn patronising. One day when you're not seething, sit her down and tell her - she probably has no idea how it's coming across.

Tryharder · 18/01/2014 08:37

Wow . YANBU. That is offensive. Ask her very politely to stop. Presumably there are males in your office with children who are not similarly patronised?

Original poster

barleysugar · 18/01/2014 08:43

Yes she is childless. And no, I don't see her making comments to other childless members of staff.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 18/01/2014 09:07

YABU to 'pretend you have a brain like a sieve', YANBU to be offended about the remark, especially if it happens often.

DirtieBertie · 18/01/2014 09:17

The first one rather depends on the context. She could have been trying to compliment you as you seem like a good mum or it could have been a snide undermining of your commitment to your job.

The second one depends on whether you are a sieve brain. If you are disorganised and forgetful and it is impacting on your job, you ought to be taking steps to sort that out and be grateful that you are just getting little comments and not disciplinary action. If you are not a sieve brain (or at least no more sieve-brained than your colleagues!), then, yes, you would be right to take offence.

YellowBellow · 18/01/2014 09:19

Did you actually have it written all over you?

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/01/2014 09:20

We have several mothers returning to work after ML and "Mummy brain" is being trotting out by them to excuse mistakes.

(just saying, no offence meant)

LondonNinja · 18/01/2014 09:20

Don't laugh along with her. It is not funny.

Finola1step · 18/01/2014 09:20

Agreed that YANBU about the comments - they are patronising. By I do not understand why you go along with it a pretend that you have a brain like a seive. Stand up for yourself.

DontmindifIdo · 18/01/2014 09:22

saying you look like a mum is insulting, as is mummy brain.

Stop laughing along with her insults, if she says "mummy brain" to you again, if you haven't actually forgotten something, smile and say, "actually no, I didn't forget xxx" or "No, I wasn't told about yyy" etc. keep it light, but don't agree with it.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2014 09:24

Neither would offend me.
The first I would take as a compliment,I am a good mum and proud of it.
The second is true for me, I am far more forgetful now.

ShadowOfTheDay · 18/01/2014 09:34

mummy brain...... "Yes.... I manage to juggle 20 things at the same time whilst looking out for safety and hearing the words that aren't being said as well as those that are..... thank you for noticing...."

silverten · 18/01/2014 09:44

Mummy brain is an expression I try very hard not to use, because it is basically saying that once a woman has a child, she can no longer remember things consistently and can't be relied on to do so. Not helpful in a workplace context as it is nasty and undermining. Usually used by fuckwits who have NO idea of the full impact having a child has on your life.

Ironically I do think 'mummy brain' exists- but not in the way it's meant. Since having children, I've never been better at multi-tasking, concentrating on jobs which I have to pick up and put down over and over again, and remembering minutiae such as appointments, levels of food in the cupboards, and where the last place that tiny Barbie earring was last played with. All this on top of all the stuff I cope with in my job, and a dollop of sleep deprivation. I've never been so organised, or able to change plans efficiently at the drop of a hat. Being a mummy has forced me to raise my game by a huge amount.

LondonNinja · 18/01/2014 09:46

Tell her the brain doesn't come out with the afterbirth...

RevoltingPeasant · 18/01/2014 09:46

Boney I think women often do genuinely feel "out of it" after coming off ML. That's just from pg friends. For example I had a colleague who is 8 mos pg in a meeting keeping being unable to remember stuff, and a colleague who said she found it really hard to concentrate on reading stuff for work whilst she was on ML. So I think it's a legitimate thing.

But OP if you are childless it's just rude. Firstly it sounds like it is undermining your confidence as you have to put on this front of not having a brain. Also it is quite a gender specific insult and therefore almost certainly discriminatory. As a boss, if she has a problem with your performance , then she has a opportunity to address it through annual reviews etc. not snippy little comments.

I say, this should be your NY resolution: go junto work and concentrate hard. Don't make mistakes, write things down or leave yourself reminders, and make a conscious decision not to miss deadlines, to get stuff right. The knowledge that you are right will give you more confidence at work.

Then every time she makes a remark like that, just pause and say politely, "what do you mean?" She'll blithering about you making some mistake or something. "Right...but I don't have children, so I don't see how it's mummy brain." Keep looking at her.

She will get the message after a couple of times if she has any brains!

CassCade · 18/01/2014 09:47

If something makes you angry and you consider it offensive or insulting, then don't laugh along with the person who said it. Why pander to their need to patronise you? If you laugh along with her, that reinforces her belief that it is ok to patronise you. I would not like that. Better to say something back; not rude or offensive (she's your boss, after all) but be firm and clear that you don't appreciate being called "mummy brain" (ugh, name makes me want to vomit, it's so twee).
I'm great at advice, not great at confrontation, but what about next time she says it, you smile politely, look her in the eye, use her name to show you are serious and say "Do you mind not calling me that please? I don't like being referred to as 'mummy brain' / 'brain like a sieve.' ".

RevoltingPeasant · 18/01/2014 09:47

Sorry misunderstood and thought you didn't have DC yet

lljkk · 18/01/2014 09:53

Wouldn't offend me but might get on my nerves. I'd be chalking them against a boss who said stuff like that repeatedly.

We've an office mate who's newly pregnant. I was joking how much she might get clucked over (4 of us have 13 children already), but truth is we'll say minimum. We're there to have a break from being parents!

CassCade · 18/01/2014 09:55

Sorry, just to add, I know the birth of a child does definitely affect your mental capacity and I have experienced this forgetfulness (I still do!!!) but I would be really offended if someone I worked with kept calling me "mummy brain" like that's all I am to them now, a 'mummy'! 'Mummy' is what my 5 yr old calls me, not my boss!
Oh dear. I've gone a bit ranty! Good luck, OP, but she sounds a bit odd. Be firm and give her a clear message that you do not like this.

WhoNickedMyName · 18/01/2014 09:56

We have several mothers returning to work after ML and "Mummy brain" is being trotting out by them to excuse mistakes

Same in my workplace.... "baby brain" is used for about a year after maternity leave then it becomes "mummy brain" from once the baby is a toddler to around aged 18 . Always used as an excuse for mistakes/omissions/basically not doing their jobs properly.

So if I were you I'd ask for a meeting with your boss and ask if there are any actual issues with you doing your job, or is she just being an arsehole? But maybe phrase it differently. Tell her if there are any issues then you'd like to address them and if there aren't then you don't appreciate the "mummy brain" comments because it implies that you're not doing your job properly.

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