Would this remark at work offend you?

[barleysugar]

"When I first met you, I thought you had 'mummy' written all over you"

And

"Mummy brain" used repeatedly.

This is my (female) boss by the way!

And when we did first meet it was four years before I had any children!

It's starting to get on my nerves really. I just laugh along and pretend I do have a brain like a sieve while seething inside!

RevoltingPeasant

what I was attempting to say was done better by whonickedmyname.

I don't think the first one is necessarily insulting at all, unless you think that there is something necessarily bad about being a mother. Someone said something similar to me at work and it was clearly meant, and taken, as a huge compliment - that I am a kind, caring person. But the point is, did she intend it to be an insult. Taken along with the second point, probably.

Why do you pretend you do have a brain like a sieve? This is unreasonable.

Ask her what you've forgotten next time she says it

Really unprofessional. I would guess she'll shoot herself in the foot at some point with that kind of talk.

The first one is silly but meant as a sort of compliment (though, probably meant to say 'you're not a striving career woman like me', from someone who feels the need to distinguish themselves form others in order to feel special).

The second is verging on being an accusation of incompetence and could well build into being just that. Be very, very careful, or you will find yourself missing promotion, getting a poor appraisal, even being performance-managed out of your job or being the one to be made redundant when cuts are needed.

Ask her each time what the issue is. Make her spell it out. Don't nod along or agree. Look as though you're taking it seriously. If she keeps doing it, you could even start taking notes.

Explain to her that you're really concerned about this repeated accusation of forgetfulness or confusion or disorganisation (or whatever it is) and want to understand whether there really is a competence issue, or whether perhaps it's just a bad habit she's fallen into.

You could, depending on the relationship, try using it yourself, about her, or colleagues in front of her, to highlight the subjectivity of her application of the term to you. So, ooh, Mummy brain eh?' when somone else slips up, 'oh no, maybe it's human brain, hmm?'.

Thanks for all your comments. This has really helped me question why I play along with it. I'm not really a sieve brain, I'm good at my job (healthcare) and I don't make any professional mistakes. Maybe I've been playing along so as not to rock the boat, appear dimmer than I am so that I don't appear the troublemaker? I'm not sure, but I think you are right, I am allowing myself to be patronised.

And I have a lovely photograph of said woman lounging in a friends hot tub when she was supposedly on "admin" work from home...

yanbu. nowt else to say. ....

Yanbu and if it was a male boss saying this kind of thing it would be seen as sexist behaviour.

Personal experience - ageing post-35 and lack of sleep are very bad for memory. For me, having a baby had an effect because of sleep deprivation, no other discernable effect.

I did a university exam when dd was 3 mo, got a first. Being alert enough for long enough to study was a challenge but my underlying abilities had not changed one bit.

Ongoing sleep deprivation has had an impact on my memory - so on the way I operate. I need to rely on lists and notes more, to tell me where I'd got up to and what the next step should be. It's all about finding the techniques that work for you, to allow you to operate effectively (just as it should be for all the forgetful, disorganised people, without children, constantly making crap excuses for themselves, I used to have the displeasure of working with).

Something I have learned from sport that applies to other areas of life too, especially study and work, is that how you feel while you're doing something does not relate closely to how well you perform.

It's all about your preparation. You can feel terrible and slow and out of it but actually, if you've done the work, that's what comes through and is demonstrated in measured results.

Something I know from work though, is that how people perceive you is far more important to your status and progress than your actual performance. So, do your job, point to your actual results. DO NOT collude in someone's attempt to portray as a dopey plodder, or incompetent.

For those confused, I do have three children. I didn't when I met her 12 years ago, nor was I planning any back then!

I actually think I am better at my job for being a mother, it makes me more empathic to the patients and parents.

Ironically I do think 'mummy brain' exists- but not in the way it's meant. Since having children, I've never been better at multi-tasking, concentrating on jobs which I have to pick up and put down over and over again, and remembering minutiae such as appointments, levels of food in the cupboards, and where the last place that tiny Barbie earring was last played with. All this on top of all the stuff I cope with in my job, and a dollop of sleep deprivation. I've never been so organised, or able to change plans efficiently at the drop of a hat. Being a mummy has forced me to raise my game by a huge amount.

This.
I am in a technical job and doing a postgrad qualification - thanks to also having a small child I am way way organised at the first two than I ever was.

Challenge her on sieve brain, every time. How undermining and unprofessional of her.

As you are good at your job turn it round on her. When she calls you mummy brain, say oh yes we mums are brilliant at being organised, experts at multi tasking. Thanks for recognising that! Keep repeating. She will eventually get the message.

I am on maternity leave at the moment and no way will I allow anyone to talk to me like that when I get back. There is a pecking order at work for performance pay so why should I go to the bottom just because I am a mother.

The first I would take as a compliment,I am a good mum and proud of it.

But the OP didn't have children when this was said, saying it in that context to me suggests she's not ideally suited to what she is actually doing with her life at that point. It's not complimenting her mummy skills, it's insulting/demeaning her work skills.

If she is making comments about you being forgetful due to "mummy brain" I'd ask her what her excuse is?

I know one like this turn round & say sweetly "when I first saw you I thought you were a sour faced old trout & you still are". My friend said this to her friend & the silly cow has said nothing since as she was shocked by her reaction.

Wait, this is your boss?

I would ask for a meeting with your boss and first bring up her constant snide comments about your "forgetfulness." Play it all sincere and concerned like, "It looks like I'm hitting all my targets [insert specifics] yet there are a lot of comment from you about forgetting things. Are there some things in my performance that need improving?" Have a notepad ready to write notes (she won't have any for you).

Don't play ditz. If she accuses you of forgetting something say brightly, "No, you just told me that. But good to know!"

The next time she says "mummy brain," say, "Wow, how come we never hear about 'daddy brain'? That's not misogyny, is it?"

If she keeps saying it, you really need to go to make a complaint.

Your boss has no excuse.

I made the mistake of playing dumb when I was younger. I think I'd seen other people do it and I thought it was so charming and self-effacing. And I thought that I was sort of self-evident that I was actually not dumb, given my education and job performance. Tbh I might have been fishing for compliments too.

I was shocked at how many people would pounce on it--like if I said, "Oh, I am such an idiot," someone would just nod and go, "Yeah." I would sometimes say, "I'm helpless about numbers!" and I found that people started assuming I was innumerate. I realised it was really starting to affect my life.

It took some effort but I've ditched the habit.

I would just be clearing my throat and saying nothing until it sank in.
I remember a client telling me I never had you down as Mummy material. bloody cheek.

She sounds a bit insecure & jealous of women who have children to me!