To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

What sparkly said.

Don't you think that it's a shame that your step son comes up with a long list of excuses as to why he can't stay with his mum? Is there a chance that he's using excuses about the room in his mum's house to cover up real, underlying problems?

I thought this too. Poor kid.

Can't you have time with your DH when the kids are in bed? Or you're in bed?
Have a cuddle and a chat?

That's what we do.

Can't you have time with your DH when the kids are in bed? Or you're in bed?
Have a cuddle and a chat?

That's what we do.

sparly bravo!
May I buy you a glass of vino? You're currently a legend in my eyes

you look at step child and see a great big almost grown teenager. It must be hard to tolerate, especially if the love isn't there.

Well, I honestly don't understand why anyone would marry someone with children if they can't love them. It boggles my mind.

I am just trying to imagine my husband not loving his step children the same or even considering marrying me if he didn't love my children. Why would anyone do that?

I guess my kids have been blessed with two step-parents who love them to bits and would never, ever, treat them differently to their bio-children.

YABVU.

You chose to marry a man with children. You obviously, along with your DH, agreed to have his son live with you full-time. So no, you absolutely cannot kick him back to his mums to have time alone! It's his home too. If he wants to be home at weekends, there's sod all you can do about it, except maybe treat him better and like you would if he was your biological DS. What are you going to do when your DD grows up? Kick her out to someone's every couple of weeks to get some "alone time"? Or is that different because she's "yours"?

Besides, at sixteen, can't you leave him home to babysit his sister and go out for dinner or to the cinemas? I'm sure he'd be happy to put her to bed and to stay home and have free run of the DVD/Xbox a few nights a month. That's the practical solution, not chucking him out because he's in the way!

I say all this as a step-parent btw.

bloodyteenagers thankyou for being the informed voice of reason.

Sparkly I think I love you

I feel sorry for your husband's child. His mother can't be arsed to provide him with a decent room, his dad's wife doesn't want him and is father doesn't stick up for him either.

You haven't said how old he is yet. You know really, that you can't force him to go, even though it would be nice for you and your DH to have some couple time without him there.

So you need to come up with alternatives, things like:

Certain night of the week stepson is in his room at x time of evening. Even if he is reading, playing games etc.... it can be your night to watch a movie, enjoy a glass of wine.

Budget for a babysitter if your SS is not old enough, or willing to babysit for you. Try to get out at least once a month to a movie or dinner together.

Try to sort out his room at his DM's house to make it welcoming for him, surely he wants to see her as well? It can't just be about not having somewhere nice to stay.

Call in help from your SIL. Even if she can only do it every 2 mths, it's something!

I understand your frustration as we are abroad and having recently moved to a new city, have NO ONE but us. We eventually will have to use a babysitting service to have a night out alone, the last time was about, ooooooh 13mths ago now.

YABU

What does your DH say?

You are describing family life. While I can understand the feeling of "ships passing in the night", you are really being selfish. There are other ways to do things together, rather than simply "getting rid" of your DSS for the weekend- to a place you have to "persuade" him he should go to and one he clearly doesn't want to. Not that you seem to have noticed that your DSS may have issues with his mother.

When you married your husband, you took on his children. I feel sorry for your DSS- I can only hope he hasn't picked up your feelings- although he probably has.

Have you stopped to think about why he doesn't want to go to his mum's? If it really is that his room is damp- why would you want him t sleep in that kind of room, just so you can do what you want? If, as is more likely, there is something else going on- why haven't you picked up on this? You've been so busy wallowing in your own self pity, you haven't noticed what's going on around you. Although it seems your DH, this poor boys father, hasn't noticed either.

If I married again and my DH said this about my DD (who would be this hypothetical husband's step daughter), I would be devastated. I'm not sure how you'd carry on a relationship with someone who resents your children- simply for existing.

You know, your DD will be a teenager one day. What are you going to do when you've nowhere to ship her off to so you can have "me time" or "couple time". Or will it be different because she is YOUR DD?

This boy is your husbands child- he has to be there for him as much, if not more, than he needs to be there for you.

I feel very sorry for your DSS. It seems like none of the adults in his life are very interested in him or his wishes. Certainly not you, nor your DH or his mum by the sounds of it.

It is not DSS's fault or problem that you don't have enough time with DH. He is not a noisy/nosy lodger, he is your DH's son. A child, at that.

Kinda says a lot about how you feel about your DH, if you see his flesh and blood as an inconvenience in your life. If you are having relationship problems, take it up with DH.

Sparkly, the op sounds exhausted. We all struggle with parenting at times. To get a break you look at your options. Most people hope grandparents, siblings or the other parent if applicable will share the load.

The op has worded it dreadfully, but she basically needs time without either dc.

There are some real problems being flagged here. I would be worried about why the child doesn't want to spend time with his mum. How is your dp managing with everything op? Is he near burn out to?

Good god I'm new and the horridness here is quite something!
I'm a counsellor and this thing is brought to my office all the time.
Step families are a mine field and the step-parent needs time out!
They are not biologically yours but that doesn't mean you don't love/care/worry about them BUT you do need time out.
Really some extremely judgemental people who haven't a clue :(

Hi OP, I think you'd be better off telling your DH how you're feeling right now and try to come up with a plan to give you a break and to get your relationship back on track.

Do you ever get the chance to go out with some girlfriends for a night out? That might be good for starters.

Everyone needs space occasionally. It's normal. It doesn't make you a bad person or bad step-parent.

Ignore the bitchy judgmental comments on this thread. Some folk have nothing better to do and I presume it makes them feel smug and superior?

My step-sons are in their thirties now and they all came to stay for Christmas. It was lovely but tiring! The youngest was a nightmare teenager but we got through it and I couldn't love him more or be more proud of him.

My favourite saying is 'everything changes' and it's helpful to remember this when times are tough! Best of luck OP.

At what point do you expect your DH to stop being a parent to his son?

What age will you stop bring a mother to your child?

Sorry I really don't get the point of your post at all OP. I think you need to have a think about your priorities - and I say this as a SM myself.

---btw it doesn't help you put SS in capitals in the thread title. It's says a lot about you and quite frankly it's not good.

How rude to all the non step parents posting of those who keep saying "repost in step parenting, you will get a more balanced view."

Bollocks. OP is not happy and is either having a strop or is struggling but blaming a child she knew all about when shacking up with the husband is out of order.

Ziplex plenty of the people commenting have PLENTY of clue about the damage being done to many, many children who are subjected to attitudes similar to the OPs

YA only BU to think you can post in AIBU and not get a rough ride from people who just don't get it.
Try posting in step parents with us other wicked step mothers

Can I ask what will be said on the SPing board?

Why not just say it here?

Where on earth is the kids mother?

Why doesn't she want to see him 15days out of 15?

I imagine maybe the op thought there were two parents bringing up this boy. It turns out no one is but her.