To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

Don't you think that it's a shame that your step son comes up with a long list of excuses as to why he can't stay with his mum? Is there a chance that he's using excuses about the room in his mum's house to cover up real, underlying problems? You have a young person in your care, someone who is expressing unhappiness and you need to look after him before you look after yourself.

What you describe about not spending time as a couple is, I'm afraid, pretty normal and you're going to have to learn to deal with it.

You sound lovely, OP

I truly feel sorry for that poor lad.

TBH

I think if you are talking about reposting, mental health might be better.

Re-reading, this isn't about your stepson at all. It's about the amount of drudgery and sustained pressure you are under which is making you very unhappy.

I get that. Maybe we should lay off a bit.

YANBU to want some alone time with DH. I sympathize, as both a mother and step-mother, who would at times LOVE some alone time together with DP, without DSC or DS constantly demanding attention!!!! It's natural. But please, please don't make DSS feel pushed out. I understand it can be so frustrating dealing with step-children at times, but it is also a privilege that he wants to be around his father and also, in all probability, you.

I don't think non-step-parents can quite understand your frustration. It is even harder with older kids because they stay up later than you!

The suggestions about taking advantage of DSS as a babysitter sounds like a really good idea. I'd try that. And remind yourself that you will get your reward in heaven (or at least in having great relationships with SC when they are gone and flown the nest!)

WallyBanter got it spot on.

Poor lad. His room at his mums is wet? And you want him to sleep in it? not help in some way to sort it out for him, or have some sympathy with him? Make his time at yours extra nice if things at his mums are that shit?

That's pretty heartless.

I don't get this "it's different being a step-parent" thing. Does it give you carte blanche to behave in ways you woukd not dream of behaving toward your non-step-child ??

Why should only step parents have a break?
What about other families? Their time not worth anything?

What do you think other families with children do? What will you do when your dd is a teen?

Poor kid. He will soon pick up on the way you feel and it will affect him. Any of us who've had a negative stepparent can tell you that.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah

Blah blah blah? Christ.

What does your husband say about all of this?

He doesn't need to be babysat, there is no reason why you can't go for days out or on bike rides without turfing him out.

I have to say you say that your mental well being has not been good and you are stressed with work and the demands of bringing up a toddler.

The way you talk about this it seems like you are scapegoating your stepson. Rather than dealing with the actual cause of your stress, having building work, working hard etc you are simply pinning the blame for all your problems on your stepson rather than actually dealing with and acknowledging what's actually causing the problems.

It's a way of avoiding the real causes and it's very unfair on your poor stepson. I would suggest you perhaps get some counselling. And also think of other solutions to the rest of your problems. If you feel you are spreading yourself too thinly could you consider going part time or perhaps working a compressed week so you do longer days but have more days off?

I think Newt has made a very good point. You sound at the end of your tether op and I think it is making you loose perspective on what the problems are. Why don't you and your dh sit down and discuss how you can get some down time together. I have two young dc and fully understand the passing ships in the night analogy.

There are ways to make your situation better.

Having a toddler is hard work at times. As is working full time with a toddler. We feel like we are tag-team parenting at times with our 3 year old, life is busy. However these are the decisions you made, as an adult. Those decisions have nothing to do with your SS. Nor did he choose to have you as a SM. You made the decisions, as an adult, and have to do the adult thing and offer your SS a stable, warm, loving home.

Have you phoned round your SS's grandparents, said that he is irritating and you want him out of the house for a couple of evenings a week and could they take him? I bet that you haven't. The reason you haven't is that you know that you are being unreasonable and you couldn't say it in real life to people who know you.

Kids come first. full stop.

Honestly please repost in step-parenting

Can't you have time with your DH when the kids are in bed? Or you're in bed?
Have a cuddle and a chat?

That's what we do.

OP - do you think you might be depressed?

Sorry OP but you're doing a great job of reinforcing the evil stepmother stereotype! You'd force your dss to go to a house where his room is damp just so you can have your quality time with DH? What do you think other parents do? I have children (but no dsc) and I never get a night alone with DH let alone a weekend 9 times a year!!

Why is is bedroom so damp? Please don't say you live in a lovely warm comfortable home and the ex wife has to live in something substandard?

FYI it's not your house it's his home.

Everyone else pretty much covered just how unreasonable you are being.

If you marry the guy, his children become your children.

Why not hang out in your bedroom with some nice wine, a few nibbles and a DVD.

It sounds like your struggling and looking to blame someone.

OP did say that at the start of their relationship, the arrangement was 50/50, so she didn't really sign on to having DSS all the time, although, if you get involved with a parent, you must accept the risk that this is something that could happen.

OP, it sounds like you are going through a hellish time with a lot of negative stuff happening, and you are struggling to deal mentally with this. Have you had a private conversation with DH about your feelings?

You AREN'T BU to feel this way. You WOULD be if you made DSS feel pushed out.

Hope you get some good advice and help somewhere.

There is NO problem with wanting time alone without children, perfectly normal.

But there is something wrong with making a step-child feel they aren't as wanted because their sibling gets to stay at home and he is told that step mum wants him to go away for the weekend as he is getting in the way of step mum's alone time.

My husband is a SD to three of mine and he loves them exactly the same as his bio children. He would no more ask his step kids to go away for a weekend then he would his bio kids.

Why repost in step-parenting? I am seriously confused. And I say this as someone in a blended household. I would be fucking livid if their step parent said right lets fling the step kids out for the weekend because I want quality time a shag

I think I might feel like this if I were a step-parent you know. Not saying I'd be proud of it, but I think it's understandable to a certain extent.

However, as an outsider 'looking' in, it seems like you might be resenting your step son for the wrong reasons. Just because in your case it's possible for him to be removed from the situation from time to time, doesn't mean that him being at his Mums will solve everything.

Pinning your frustrations on him is pretty unfair really and in reality, won't make that much difference.

If you nee space and time, implement some new rules such as a tv takeover for some of the weekend. Maybe put a tv in his room if possible. You could feel better by taking control of the situation yourself, rather than waiting for other people to make changes.