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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hypothetical situation about DD's school and sickness.

33 replies

Farrowandbawl · 17/01/2014 14:40

As I said, this is just something I've ben mulling in my head.

For the last 3 times her school has phoned it's to tell me she's "looking peaky and says she feels sick and could I come to collect her?". Last time she was faking it and got sent straight back to class by me after I've talked to the med room, and the other two times she was fine once she was home after walking in the fresh air for 10 minutes.

Now, she's 13 and at secondary school. Her primary school wouldn't call unless they HAD been sick but would keep an eye on them if the kids said they felt ill and then let me know when I go to pick them up.

Would it be unreasonable of me or of anyone to say to DD's secondary school, not to call me unless she has actually been sick?

I'm getting the impression they are just wasting my time and DD's education if this carries on and it's getting annoying.

If she's actually sick, then fair enough call me, but if she's just feeling sick..give her some water, some fresh sir then chuck her back in class like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
RufusTheReindeer · 17/01/2014 14:44

I agree with you, having said that our senior school don't send children home unless they have vomited on their desk or lost a limb

If my children feel a bit under the weather they go in, but if they really doing look well I am much more tempted to keep them home because I know the school won't

I do manage to resist that temptation thoughGrin

WooWooOwl · 17/01/2014 14:45

Yes, it would be unreasonable. If you are going to have your child in their care all day then you have to trust their judgement, even if you think their judgements are over cautious.

You would be better of telling your dd that she will be in trouble if she complains of feeling sick when there's nothing wrong with her.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/01/2014 14:45

Don't!! Not doing obviously!!

Floggingmolly · 17/01/2014 14:49

Tell her to stop telling teachers she feels sick when she doesn't.
If they failed to contact you when she really was ill, you'd probably (rightly) be up in arms about that too. I doubt anyone is actually seeking her out to tell her she's looking peaky; she's instigating it all herself.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 17/01/2014 14:57

What floggingmolly said. The issue is your daughter not the school. At 13 she's just faking it, but the school have to take her word for it.

noblegiraffe · 17/01/2014 15:22

Your DD is faking it, tell her to stop it. Parents aren't going to get called for a kid who says she is fine and not making a fuss.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/01/2014 15:24

Is it around the same time, ie is there a particular lesson she's trying to avoid?

Knottingley · 17/01/2014 15:27

I agree you need to deal with your dd's lying or if we're being charitable get to the bottom of the reasons she's doing it. It's hard sometimes to know if your own child's faking, how are the school supposed to know?

Original poster
Farrowandbawl · 17/01/2014 15:40

I swear no-one reads posts properly.

I sent her back when I saw she was faking it AND this is a hypothetical situation.

Keeping those in mind, what would your answer be?

OP posts:
Knottingley · 17/01/2014 15:42

same

MinesAPintOfTea · 17/01/2014 15:45

I'd be asking what's wrong and keeping track of when it happened to see if there's a weekly/monthly pattern. And being ill would mean being in bed, no screens, resting.

I'd mostly be worried about why she was doing it though.

NewtRipley · 17/01/2014 15:45

OP I agree with you

I'm surprised your primary school sent her home so readily.

Is there an underlying problem why you think she's faking it (desire to be at home because she's worried about something happening at home/you, learning problems at school, bullying?)

NewtRipley · 17/01/2014 15:46

sorry Secondary school

Maybe at secondary they don't know individual children so well, so maybe they err on the side of caution.

Original poster
Farrowandbawl · 17/01/2014 15:48

OK.

For those of you who can't be bothered to read the question:

Say she isn't lying and is a little peaky and only "feels" ill, but hasn't been sick - would you pick her up on that basis only so she misses a day of school?

There are no set days or times she does it, no underlying problems etc..(all pretend remember? This hasn't actually happened)

Would you pick up your child if there is nothing actually wrong with them if the school (secondary) called you to?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 17/01/2014 15:50

I think the same, because teachers are not parents who have the right to decide how ill a child is. If a child is a particularly good liar when it comes to these things (as I was when I was a teenager) then it's not fair to make the school make a judgement that they could be in real trouble about if they get it wrong.

They don't want to send children home for no reason, so even hypothetically, it would still be better to deal with the child who is faking rather than tell a school you don't want a phonecall unless there is actual vomit present.

BackforGood · 17/01/2014 15:50

I would have a word with the HoY and say she's faked it and you've been called in 3 times already. Say you understand how difficult it can be for a teacher to 'call' it, but now she has a reputation, would they be able to follow a request from you to not actually call you unless she has actually been sick or fainted or has a limb hanging off. Say you understand it might be that she may, at sometime in the future end up staying in school when she actually is ill, but that will be the consequences of her 'crying wolf'.
Then I'd repeat the 'cry wolf' story to her and tell her you just aren't coming in the future.

BackforGood · 17/01/2014 15:51

Oh - to answer your later post, no "feeling peaky" isn't just cause for a day off in this house. "Feeling peaky" = 'well you need some early nights then'

Knottingley · 17/01/2014 15:52

She's telling them she feels ill enough that they need to contact you/ send her home. Either she is and you should collect her or she's not and she's lying.

Bunbaker · 17/01/2014 15:54

So, why all the cloak and dagger hypothetical stuff?

DD's school tend not to send children home unless they have been sick/had diarrhea/broken a limb. Feeling sick or having a headache isn't enough.

Original poster
Farrowandbawl · 17/01/2014 15:54

That's what I was thinking.

If that situation was the case, I can understand why the school would call - erring on the side of caution etc

It was the "feeling peaky thing" that had me confused. I can see why some parents would pick up and I could see why others wouldn't. I just wanted to see what others would do.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 17/01/2014 15:55

Weeell.

I think if they call, you have to go. They will (rightly or wrongly) take a dim view of a parent who doesn't come. But if you don't take her home, maybe after a few experiences she and they will learn that feeling a bit peaky isn't sufficient reason to be sent home.

I mentioned underlying problems because you said in your OP that she did fake it, at least once.

Original poster
Farrowandbawl · 17/01/2014 15:56

Nothing cloak and dagger about it - it was just something that was going through my mind for no particular reason - I'm not even sure what set it off to be honest.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 17/01/2014 16:00

Why would a hypothetical situation elicit any different advice? It's all hypothetical to complete strangers who don't know the people in question? Confused

MinesAPintOfTea · 17/01/2014 16:13

What response did you want other than at 13 its the dd's responsibility to not be asking to go home when she isn't actually ill?

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2014 16:15

Depends on the level of 'peakiness'.

If I feel really rough but haven't been sick, I want to go home really. Children are no different.

I think it's a conversation you need to have with your daughter and point out that employers want you to look visibly ill before they'd be happy with you going home, so maybe she shouldn't try and bunk off when there's nothing really wrong.