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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate baby & toddler groups!

64 replies

domoarigato · 17/01/2014 11:30

I go for my daughter's benefit, but boy do I loathe them. I had to switch days due to going back pt. I'd just started getting on with 3 moms. Now I'm there on a different day and chat with 2 ladies, but the others are so cold and cliquey. What do you think the reason for this is?

Some insight would be great! I just don't understand what they have to gain by being like that! Oh well... I went to a girls' school so I've seen a fair few bitchy things in my time! I just know if I join yet another group it'll be the same, as it was in the last 2 I went to!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 18/01/2014 03:01

I found toddler groups quite difficult. Mercifully that's all behind me now. As it was, I struggled with being 15 years older than everyone else, a single parent and A Bit Wierd. Before having DS, I had spent my adult life with people who had non-mainstream values, lifestyles, hobbies etc and I'd completely forgotten or not understood how other people live. This isn't about being 'better' than other people, it's about the racking culture shock of realising that you have nothing in common with all these people, and you might just about get by with discussions about potties and bottles and teething, but you're going to fuck that up too because the people you are talking to have read somewhere that cloth nappies cause cancer and feeding your DC a Big Mac at sic months is introducing him/her to 'the world'.

CouthyMow · 18/01/2014 03:28

Nope, YANBU. They're the seventh circle of hell. By DC4 I didn't bother. A nice trip to the park to jump in leaves or puddles made both me and DS3 happier. And it hasn't affected his ability to make friends, despite his speech delay, now that he's at preschool.

roundtable · 18/01/2014 03:45

There are definitely groups like that. I moved and couldn't find a group that wasn't parents having a chat whilst their children ran around unchecked and babies were trampled on as there was no area for them.

I think it's down to the leader
and organisation.

However, I decided to stop moaning about it and set up my own one with a chaired off baby area so they down get walked over by the older ones, I introduce anyone new and circulate and chat and try to instigate conversations between carers of similar aged children and I will address behaviour that's not appropriate that might be being overlooked by a parent. Not horribly, but say if a toddler is taking other children's toys, I will suggest that maybe they play with xyz until the other child has finished or ooh darling instead of standing on all the toys in the toy box, why don't you come and play with this over here etc. often it's my toddler I'm talking to

The group is really busy and a lot of people have commented that they have struggled to find one that wasn't cliquey and chaosdc

roundtable · 18/01/2014 03:52

Not sure what the point of that post was, I'm feeding the baby at silly o'clock again which is a whole other thread.

I'm certainly not saying you have to set your own up. Sorry, that's the way that previous post comes a across but was to say yanbu as I think that if the leaders don't make an effort to ensure that the group is welcoming then it's highly unlikely to be.

Out of about 15 different groups I've tried, there's only 3 I enjoy going to.

sleepywombat · 18/01/2014 04:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plentyofsoap · 18/01/2014 05:38

I just went to a baby one yesterday with dd. I had forgetton how much crap other mums talk about their babies. Not all of them mind, but a couple did like to compare their amazingly advanced babies. Made me lose the will to live.

plentyofsoap · 18/01/2014 05:38

plentyofsoap · 18/01/2014 05:44

See just the memory of it made me do something stupid like post twice

AveryJessup · 18/01/2014 07:03

I've just stopped going to all this stuff now with DS (2). Too much like juggling plates while hopping on one leg and singing 'The Wheels on the Bus' all at the same time. Just waaaay too much work with a toddler.

The baby stage isn't so bad, it's one of the few ways to get out of the house at that age but with toddlers it's just hellish - kids running riot (aka my energetic DS!), parents judging, facilitators judging. It just stopped being fun for me at some point. My DS does best when he has space to roam and physical activity. So I am trying to plan our activities around him now that I know what he likes rather than trying to shoehorn him into some mould of quiet sitting and singing songs.

That thread about crazy experiences at baby groups is hilarious! I live in California and never met any one that crazy at my groups! I feel cheated... I actually met some lovely people on my groups and made a couple of good friends too.

brettgirl2 · 18/01/2014 07:29

yanbu but....I think you need to be realistic about meeting people and groups. I help organise one for my sins!

We in a week get somewhere between 10 and 40 children (so someone comes for the first time and says no one goes, someone else says it's hell ) Although we have a small hardcore a lot of the people are really transient and may come 2-3 times a term, so to meet anyone other than the local childminders you need to come really often! !!!!!

I live in a ruralish area and I don't see it as an opportunity to make best friends as such but as most local people turn up at least once I end up knowing everyone. I guess in London though that wouldn't be the case. So I always talk to anyone new. I find you get to know people gradually over time.

lozster · 18/01/2014 08:42

I don't expect anyone or everyone to become a friend, I just want not to feel excluded (eg hello, goodbye, no back turning, how's little Loz? Etc). In a group situation that you have chosen to put yourself in it is basic good manners. In a cafe, in your own home, in the park have all the private conversations you like and I'll not expect to butt in.

brettgirl2 · 18/01/2014 10:23

At the risk of stating the obvious can you try going to a different group?

I think offering to help can also break down barriers. Am at the person scorned for offering to lead a different song on the singing. ... anyone can lead it at ours!

yoniwherethesundontshine · 18/01/2014 12:53

Round table you sound wonderful, its crucial to notice new people coming in and talk to them!

brett if that was to me, I wouldn't have dared offered to lead the singing, my goodness....a few mums had said they found the same two or three songs every week without change a little tiring, so perhaps some new ones could be used there are millions of them we were told "oh no, little so and so must have his weekly zoom zoom" i didnt even mind zoom zoom but it was sung in such a leaden dull way....

there was a clique there that was irritated if you talked to them as usually waiting for friend to sit down, but as said , they are in valuable, if your having a tough morning, need to get out, no money, they are usually a pound, you can turn up, chat or sit there annoymously...have a cup of tea and give baby some more stimulation with new toys and other children, you dont have to commit you dont have to go but to know they are there has always been good for me.

roundtable · 18/01/2014 15:12

Not wonderful, just pragmatic! But thank you. :)

Ooh that's another massive bugbear of mine with baby groups, the rationing of the tea and coffee. As far as I'm concerned, you can drink as much as you bloody well like. There's surely only so many cups you can fit into an hour and a half and sometimes at home it can be impossible to find the time.

Everyone at our group makes each other cuppas especially for those with their hands full and chats over the kettle which I think helps with the bonding.

I know for a fact that some of the mums have started meeting up outside of the group which is just lovely. Even if the friendship only lasts the baby years, it's served its purpose I think.

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