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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate baby & toddler groups!

64 replies

domoarigato · 17/01/2014 11:30

I go for my daughter's benefit, but boy do I loathe them. I had to switch days due to going back pt. I'd just started getting on with 3 moms. Now I'm there on a different day and chat with 2 ladies, but the others are so cold and cliquey. What do you think the reason for this is?

Some insight would be great! I just don't understand what they have to gain by being like that! Oh well... I went to a girls' school so I've seen a fair few bitchy things in my time! I just know if I join yet another group it'll be the same, as it was in the last 2 I went to!

OP posts:
newyearhere · 17/01/2014 18:31

Totally agree Miaow. You can make all the effort in the world, and be smiley, friendly, interested and polite. But if you're talking to rude, cliquey people who couldn't care less about including others, then you may never get anywhere. Some people seem to think people like that don't exist Hmm and that it's inevitably the newcomer's fault, but I agree with you!

newyearhere · 17/01/2014 18:31

No I haven't made "lifelong friends" from baby groups either. It does seem to be something of an expectation, doesn't it?

Mumof3xx · 17/01/2014 18:38

I've had three dc and never attended a single baby bump or toddler group

I was just turned 20 when I had dc1, the local baby group was at the same place we got baby weighed. It looked very cliquey. Sadly I was also largely put off by the women I saw going in there looking significantly older than me

I don't think I or my dc have missed out though

I have a few friends with children and they have all attended nursery from a young age

newyearhere · 17/01/2014 18:41

Sadly I was also largely put off by the women I saw going in there looking significantly older than me

Ah, we're not all horrible us oldies! Grin

worriedabout · 17/01/2014 18:42

It depends on the group. I started a group just this year and it is my policy to talk to everyone who comes through the door. I know how it feels to be on the outside and am determined not to let others feel this way.

worriedabout · 17/01/2014 18:50

If you want to change things start your own. If you need information and resources pm me and I will send some links I found helpful.

newyearhere · 17/01/2014 18:56

There must be someone who started all the groups with sour-faced unfriendly people in, though? I've usually been welcomed by the group leader, it's the other attendees who haven't always been friendly, and I can't see anyone actually specifying that you have to be nice to come along?

lozster · 17/01/2014 19:29

Funny - I almost posted a similar thread. I go to a baby group that can only take about 8 mums and babies so not so easy to move around once the babies are on the mat. Two pairs of friends attend and spend the whole time sitting and talking together. The other week the circle with all the toys in tbe middle, was as follows: best buds, individual, best buds. So the individual between them literally had two backs turned on her and no conversation to join in with. Rude rude rude. Luckily the group is facilitated by a great play leader who makes sure SHE speaks to everyone. I'm not sure what else she can do apart from perhaps try to arrange the mat/toys differently to allow peoe to move around a bit. I did think it was maybe just me being over senditive but my husband came with us one week and commented on it too. The play leader really makes this session a good one and worth going to as the toys are fab and she does a messy activity too. There are also 4 other 'normal' people who go so if you take care not to get sandwiched between the buds it is ok.

In this instance I don't think it is malicious, simply thoughtless and self centred. I ponder two things though - first how the heck did they synchronise pregnancy? And do they ever put on their big girl pants and venture out alone??

lozster · 17/01/2014 19:32

New year - I'm an oldie and one of the people I most look forward to chatting with is just 22!

lozster · 17/01/2014 19:33

Sorry that should have been to mum of 3 not new year! The perils of reading threads backwards!

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/01/2014 20:20

It's sad to hear all these accounts of people hating groups and feeling cold-shouldered.

I think sometimes it's a matter of just persevering until you find the right one for you -different groups attract different kinds of people. I didn't fit in at all with the first one I tried, and I would never have made any friends, even if I'd stayed for a hundred years - I was the wrong age, wrong "class", and wrong educational level. I had literally nothing in common with the other mothers and so had no basis for friendship.

I left this one, disheartened, and tried two more (hedging my bets). In both of these, I found friends almost immediately and this soon extended to visiting each other's houses and getting to know each other really well. These were true friendships based on similar views, values and attitudes and continued after the children were at school and there was no "need" to see each other.

I'm so glad I didn't give up after the first toddler group I went to - my other two experiences were just what I was looking for.

Curiousaboutschoolslocally · 17/01/2014 20:28

Don't go.
I've never bothered with the twins, mainly as it's too much like hard work even getting there and also because I just can't stand the mass of middle class competitive mums (we live in THAT) sort of area.
I was a hardened NCT refusenik when pregnant for the same reasons.
My best friend has a baby 6 months older than mine, and they see plenty of the extended family, they're developing well, and have just started nursery when I've gone back to work PT, so I figure, they're getting all the stimulation they need.
Mass gatherings of mums with babies bring me out in a cold sweat.... I'd rather go to ASDA, my mums, or into town!

daisydee43 · 17/01/2014 20:34

Yes they're awful I never liked going to them - just lots of women with only 1 thing in common and if it's your first which it normally is then everything's already up in the air. I am however lucky I went as I had no friends who were mums and really tried to make friends - I now have 2 great friends (one who I met at the first group but re-met a year later on a bus and then I who I met when dd was 10mths and was a fitness class - went to the first class and swapped numbers then never went back Wink) worth the pain

daisydee43 · 17/01/2014 20:36

The only group I go to now (dd is 2) is toddler church and even that's clicky but at least we can chat to the vicar!

yoniwherethesundontshine · 17/01/2014 20:50

So...anyone going to a group with a clique other people like you turn up are there, or is the whole random group a clique?

And when you do not know someone at a wedding what do people say to each other...."so, how do you know the bride and groom..."

at a baby group most people talk babies as its easy small talk and you have something in common, clearly.

Most people once they get to know each other then move on...

yoniwherethesundontshine · 17/01/2014 20:52

I say this as someone who innocently stood in front of clique leaders and indeed song time leaders with a book of nursery rhymes trying to suggest one new song time song....in stead of the every single week, zoom zoom sung in a droll leaden way...

newyearhere · 17/01/2014 21:03

You don't necessarily have to have "things in common" with people to have a chat, or even to become friends. Why on earth shouldn't people be friends with someone from another educational level, class, background, age etc? I'd have been very happy to have a friendly chat with anyone who'd chatted to me.

lozster · 17/01/2014 22:44

Y

CuriosityCola · 17/01/2014 22:49

I think that it can sometimes be that people are really shattered and not aware they aren't engaging.

I have came across one really bad clique though and felt a bit sorry for them. Everyone else was really friendly and welcoming. The clique kind of stood out as being odd and childish.

lozster · 17/01/2014 22:52

Yoni - sometimes I do make a bit of a sport of making people talk to me who clearly don't want to (only in situations like this, not at bus stops or the like!). If the best buds turn to face me (odds on this are even at best) this week I promise I will say 'so, how do you two know each other?' and force a conversation! I already tried saying something nice about their babies/clothes/change bag and asking about feeding/sleep but i am clearly just a drag on their tete a tete. Given its a group and not Starbucks they could at least make a bit of effort. Then again I am ancient so may be i have been written off.

zeezeek · 17/01/2014 22:54

Went once. That was enough to know that I would never fit in!! In fact I still shudder at the memory.....

BookroomRed · 17/01/2014 23:04

I don't honestly see why people expect anything in the way of friendship at these groups. I go to one a week on the day I don't work so my toddler can see some other toddlers and poke them in the eye.

I made the usual efforts when I first started going a year ago, starting conversations and admiring other people's children, but no one made particular efforts in return, so I've reverted to nodding and smiling, and bringing a book.

Fannydabbydozey · 17/01/2014 23:04

Wen I lived in wapping in London I went to every sure start and one-o- clock club going and loved them. Great mix of people, fab tea, lovely biscuits. When I moved to a naice leafy rich west london location I was subtly ignored at almost every group I went to. It was heartbreaking, especially after my second when I had PND. I was desperate for friends. I ended up driving out of the area to a group which was far more friendly.

Also, they are often improved with wine. When I finally managed to make a good buddy (we met at a baby group where no one spoke to either of us!) we used to go to a group held in a special closed off section of a park. It was only open in the summer. We'd go every Friday afternoon and take a bottle of fizz. Suddenly a certain type of west london mum was far less intimidating...

Bettercallsaul1 · 18/01/2014 02:13

Newyearhere
Why on earth shouldn't people be friends with someone from another educational level, class, background, age etc? I'd have been very happy to have a friendly chat with anyone who'd chatted to me

In answer to your first question - no reason at all! I was simply saying, that in my own case, I find it much easier to be friends with people with whom I share a basic affinity. I am talking about my own experience only - as is everyone else on this thread - not trying to lay down some general rule!

As regards your second comment, so would I! It was because nobody in the first group would have a friendly chat with me that I left! Believe me, I tried - and got the same indifferent/unfriendly reaction that others have described in this thread.

The whole point of my post was that by persevering to find a different group, where people would talk to me, I found two, where I immediately felt at home and made long-term friends. And it was because we had lots of things in common that our friendships outlasted the baby stage and became independent of the children.

My post was strongly in favour of making an effort to talk to people at toddler groups - but also to recognise when it's futile and time to move on.

MrsMook · 18/01/2014 02:58

I've been to lots now with different purposes, and the level of cliquiness varies a lot. Some are friendly were people mix, some have clusters where friends turned up Iin premade (usually NCT) batches and stay very firmly clustered. I'll have a try at talking to people, but I hate the ones where you see eachother for an hour week in week out and they struggle to acknowledge a simple interaction like ."bye then, see you next week" and you get looked at like you've got 3 heads. I tend to find my own class worst. I currently go to a children's centre in a neighbouring area which is socialy very different, and other than having reproduced in the same season, I have little in common, but they are friendly, and crossing paths for 90mins is pleasant, and I go home boosted by having interacted with some other humans. Generally activities with a purpose are better than a casual open play (except stage 1 swimming which for some reason is the worst, and has been with both DCs. Stage 4 is very friendly and each class seems to improve. I suspect the worst offenders get broken up by RTW on varying days as they go back to their terribly important careers to fund their highly socialy stimulating lifestyles and spa weekend habits.