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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...and selfish to want a second child?

43 replies

Wrongdirection · 17/01/2014 10:16

We have one dc who was conceived naturally.

We have been trying for a second child for nearly two years. Tests have shown that we will need Ivf to have a second child. I'm really struggling with this. I'm worried that having the Ivf will negatively affect my first child.

Firstly it will cost thousands of pounds. We will miss out on family experiences and holidays to pay for the treatment.
Secondly what if it makes me unwell? Or what if I die (I know this is rare but it can happen)? Is it selfish to take this risk? I'm worried about leaving dc without a mother.
Thirdly it will be time consuming - will my first dc miss out because I'm always going to be at the clinic?

It's such a hard decision, if I had no dc I'd do it in a heartbeat but is it selfish to want another child so badly? I'm really struggling with this. My mum says I should be grateful for what I've got and that I'm just not meant to have any more children. And of course I could do all this and still not have any more children, the odds are against me after all.

Aibu to want another child? Pregnant women and new babies make my heart literally ache - and it is literal, it's like a pain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrongdirection · 17/01/2014 10:27

Anyone? WWYD?

OP posts:
Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 10:30

I don't think your selfish at all. My family felt so much more complete with a second child. Think how much your dc will live having a sibling. I think that's so much better that holidays ect. X

fluffyraggies · 17/01/2014 10:34

''My mum says I should be grateful for what I've got and that I'm just not meant to have any more children.''

First of all forget about this (sounds like my mum) because it's not her dilemma and it's not that easy anyway.

My personal opinion is that i've never met any adults bemoaning the fact that their parents spent time and money on trying for a sibling when they were 2. Your DC1 is very young, and doesn't need expensive holidays. You won;t be spending months of your life at the clinic either.

How about deciding how many times you will try (doesn;t always work first time) and in your mind trying to stick to that?

I sympathise very very much with the ache of wanting a baby. Been through it myself, and it is hellish. Flowers Not something you can just get past by buying yourself a new handbag or something and being 'grateful with what you've got'.

Original poster
Wrongdirection · 17/01/2014 10:38

I think we would do 3 cycles (providing I'm ok) and then call it a day - a line has to be drawn somewhere and it would cost over £20k for those three cycles.

I guess Im worried about how the stress and the anxiety I will probably feel will affect dc.

I won't die will I? I asked the clinic and they said probably not!

OP posts:
Abrico · 17/01/2014 10:39

I don't think you are selfish. A sibling for your child is going to benefit them a lot more than a couple of extra holidays and a bit of extra time from you would.
I am currently pregnant with my second child, both are IVF, and to be honest I did not hesitate at all the second time around.

If your DH is on board, and will be there to pick up the slack with your dc during the treatment (2 weeks to a month where you will be less available), then I would definitely go for it.

newyearhere · 17/01/2014 10:40

No of course you're not "selfish". Many people decide they'd like to try to have a second child, and you're being no more "selfish" than anyone else.

Holidays are luxuries and you have the rest of your life for those. This is your decision, not your mum's.

Abrico · 17/01/2014 10:42

And no, you won't die! Obviously the clinic cannot give you any guarantees for legal reasons, but the risk of death is minimal, I have never heard of it even being mentioned. The only possibility I can think of is if you have an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic used during egg collection.

Rosduk · 17/01/2014 10:44

I don't think it's selfish either. I am currently pregnant with DC2 after losing our son as a newborn last year. We too had to weigh up the risks of trying again but we know our DD will love having a little brother and it so far at 22 weeks been worth all the emotional, physical and financial strain.

It is also highly unlikely that you will be at any fatal risk, pregnancy is always difficult, particularly when you are sick a lot but our children are more resilient than we think and once the baby is here your son will gain a lot from it. 2 yo DD has coped amazingly well this last year considering the stress we have been through, in fact, she has kept us sane.

I will say, however, If you decide not to go ahead with ivf, I also have friends that are only children and they were as children and are now, of course, perfectly happy!

Original poster
Wrongdirection · 17/01/2014 10:45

Thanks.
I'm just scared I guess. I'm worried that this is the wrong thing to do and that it will ruin our lives. I know this isn't rational.

I have two options: forget having a second child and accept I will only have 1 or go for the Ivf treatment.

The trouble is I don't like either option very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrongdirection · 17/01/2014 10:46

I am an only child and I'm pretty happy.

Tbh I'm not really considering it for my ds's sake - I think he'd love a sibling but if he doesn't have one he will never know any different. It's for me and dh, we so badly want another one. Our first one is perfect and yet we still want more and that's why I feel a bit selfish.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 17/01/2014 10:47

OP, you'll be doing stuff in everyday life with a higher risk of dying from it! Like crossing busy roads, driving, going out in thunderstorms, activities on holiday, etc. You wouldn't not do those things for the sake of your first child in case you might die, would you?

I think you're mind is looking for ways to punish itself! Mine does that too Grin

fluffyraggies · 17/01/2014 10:49

Only child here too :)

How does your DH feel? Are you having to persuade him? That can add pressure.

summerlovingliz · 17/01/2014 10:50

I don't think you are being selfish at all but right to consider all the possible effects on yourself and your LO. The very fact that you are worrying about any negative impact means that you will do all you can to protect your LO and you sound like a lovely mum. I am sure all your feelings are normal. Agree that maybe putting a limit on time and money spent trying is a good idea. If h don't go for it h will spend a lifetime wondering what if... All the best, I'm sure all the angst will be worth it xSmile

Original poster
Wrongdirection · 17/01/2014 10:51

Dh is more keen than me tbh. But that's probably because it will be me doing it. His contribution is a bit easier. I'd definitely swap!

OP posts:
TinyTear · 17/01/2014 10:53

if money is an issue, why do 3 cycles? why not one or two?

i have 1 DD and have been trying to conceive number 2, however my issue is recurrent miscarriages (3 before DD and 1 after) so what I might do is spend some money doing some private tests, but i wouldn't do it if it affected my DD too much. she is happy enough by herself even though we would like 2...

PlainJane1980 · 17/01/2014 10:55

The risk of dying is small. Childbirth is risky too - really risky - more risky than crossing the road or going out in thunderstoms Hmm but no one thinks women are selfish for attempting second, third or whatever births...

Stop worrying.

Sounds like you want another child - go for it. It is only money - and you either have it or you don't. There are lots of advantages to having a sibling, and there are also disadvantages to having a naturally conceived siblign too... so I think the IVF bit is a bit of red herring.

Oh, and tell your mother to be more supportive - that's her job :)

fluffyraggies · 17/01/2014 10:55

Grin - it does seem their part in it is the easy bit. And physically it is i suppose. i'm sure he'll be right there beside you through the waiting and hand holding through the procedures though.

I haven't had IVF myself, but have friends who have been though it. Have you looked at the 'Conception' forum on MN, OP? Lots of support there.

fluffyraggies · 17/01/2014 10:57

Thank you plianjane - i'm due to give birth in 3 days!

(joking)

fluffyraggies · 17/01/2014 11:00

Not joking about being due in 3 days - i mean joking about being cross with your post.

Original poster
Wrongdirection · 17/01/2014 11:06

We can afford it it's mostly from our savings. It's just we could do a lot of other stuff with 20k or keep it for when ds is older and wants a house deposit or something.

I do feel guilty. I feel like if something happens to me ds will think he wasn't enough and I was putting myself through all this to get a new baby.
Ds is perfect. I love him so much but the ache got another baby is always there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrongdirection · 17/01/2014 11:07

Oh and good luck fluffy!

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Topaz25 · 17/01/2014 11:30

Sorry I don't have experience of this issue but I just wanted to say you are not being selfish. You sound like a lovely mother. This must be such a stressful time for you, try not to be too hard on yourself.

I think it would help to sit down with your husband and work out the practical side of things. How much the treatment will cost and what you will have to cut back on. Who will care for your son while you are at the clinic. Maybe this could be an opportunity for him to spend fun time with other family members?

Maybe discussing the medical risks with your doctor will help to reassure you. Only you and your husband can make this decision but it might be easier with more information.

sj73 · 17/01/2014 12:56

I think you should go for it. The idea of IVF is a lot scarier than the reality. When I did it, I was putting my class through their GCSEs which was extremely stressful but somehow made the ivf seem less so as it took my mind off it and stopped me obsessing. I think it would be the same looking after your child.

Scholes34 · 17/01/2014 13:03

You and your DH are both in this together. It's your decision only and your DH is keen. You say it will cost £20K and you have it. I don't have £20K, so you'll be no worse off than me financially if you go through with this so don't let the financial aspect be something to put you off.

cantthinkofagoodone · 17/01/2014 13:07

In your shoes, I would enjoy my life with one child BUT I am not you. If you have a desire for more children, then unless you've exhausted your options you are likely to feel unfulfilled.

I am sure that you will be able to go through the treatment and give your current dc all that they need from you.