...and selfish to want a second child?

[Wrongdirection]

We have one dc who was conceived naturally.

We have been trying for a second child for nearly two years. Tests have shown that we will need Ivf to have a second child. I'm really struggling with this. I'm worried that having the Ivf will negatively affect my first child.

Firstly it will cost thousands of pounds. We will miss out on family experiences and holidays to pay for the treatment.
Secondly what if it makes me unwell? Or what if I die (I know this is rare but it can happen)? Is it selfish to take this risk? I'm worried about leaving dc without a mother.
Thirdly it will be time consuming - will my first dc miss out because I'm always going to be at the clinic?

It's such a hard decision, if I had no dc I'd do it in a heartbeat but is it selfish to want another child so badly? I'm really struggling with this. My mum says I should be grateful for what I've got and that I'm just not meant to have any more children. And of course I could do all this and still not have any more children, the odds are against me after all.

Aibu to want another child? Pregnant women and new babies make my heart literally ache - and it is literal, it's like a pain.

I don't think it's selfish at all, I really don't.

It probably won't impact your DC nearly as much as you imagine and how would you feel looking back if you didn't have a go, if you didn't try? In no way would your DC hold it against you at such a young age. At least you will have tried and if you do happen to be successful then your DC has a sibling to share their life with and if not you can say well, we tried but it didn't work and give your DC a fab life.

And I have learnt that mothers do not always know best, so best thank yours for her input and support ( I am sure she means well) but go your own way!

I'm with cantthink - I would (and have) made the most of being able to have a lovely life with the child I had.

I always anticipated having 2-4 children but had an awful pregnancy, labour & early months with DD which left lasting health repercussions, both mental & physical.

I could have had another child, but chose not to, largely because I was scared of going through the same (or worse) again and the effect it could have on my DD.

Having said that, I don't think you wanting a second child makes you selfish at all. You are as entitled to your feelings as anyone else, the health risks are probably no more than than lots of things you do every day and you are in a financial position to give it a go.

It may be a tough journey but FWIW I think you would regret it more if you didn't try.

OP, I don't think its selfish to go for IVF at all. If you don't feel that your family is complete you should go for it.

I am an extreme example as I conceived DD on my seventh go at IVF. I couldn't believe my luck, but after she was born, I really wanted another. Most people thought we were insane, but we were lucky and got DS next try.

I don't think DD will hate us for spending the extra money, I am watching them both straddling DH at the moment demanding rock, rock the boat and it's lovely watching them play together.

Not at all being selfish to adopt, so YADNBU! Good luck!

(Have to ask though, have you considered adoption at all?)

We were in this position and we decided not to go down the ivf route and to adopt instead. Bizarrely, just before I was going to call it a day and go back on contraception (the adoption people like to see that you're not actively ttc) I found myself naturally pregnant.

We decided on adoption for lots of reasons; partially financial (we have less money than you in the savings account and couldn't afford to loose it) partially practical re: DS and partially because we wanted another child, not necessarily a biological child.

1. You won't need to spend that long at the clinic - a lot of five minute appointments, maybe, and two whole days for each fresh cycle.

2. If you have regular IVF and have embryos left over, you will be able to do more cycles with any that you freeze. Frozen cycles 'only' cost around £1100ish depending where you go.

3. For many the real toll of IVF is emotional not financial. IVF is not a 'cure'. It often doesn't work. It's pretty bloody awful injecting yourself for weeks only to have a failed cycle. BUT when it works it's bloody marvellous. Only you know if your desire to have a second child has given you the reserves to do this.

4. If you don't do it or do it and it fails, then you can give all you have to your family. It may not feel like it - truly, I understand - but you are so very very lucky to have the three of you already.

5. Good luck!

Don't do ivf if you're only planning one cycle

That's the one where your consultant learns how you respond... Def plan for 2+

Good luck x

OP, both my children were conceived via IVF. My DD was between 2-3yr when we had the last 2 cycles (the final one resulted in DS).

The treatment was sometimes logistically a bit of a challenge having a small child already. There are certain phases which require you to have almost daily scans, so you need to have childcare in place etc

But emotionally and physically it was fine, in fact my DD was a welcome distraction from the 4 million 'am I' 'aren't I' thoughts during the two week wait.

I also found it easier to recover from the disappointment of not being pregnant when I had DD. I couldn't mope too much, as I had to carry on for her.

I have had 4 rounds of IVF (and I am a natural born worrier) and at no time have I felt like I was going to die :) I promise. It is a rollercoaster and the drugs aren't fun, but I am sure you will be fine. In fact I was far more worried about potential dying during my ELCS than at any time during IVF.

We found a clinic and a Dr we liked and trusted, and put our faith in them.

I wish you luck whatever you decide.

Rosduk, I am so sorry for your loss.

OP I could have written all of what you have. Am in the same boat, trying two years and thinking about IVF with all the cons you have mentioned. No advice from me, as like I said I'm in the same boat, but will read all the other posts / advice. Feel free to message me privately.

"Just not meant to have children" is bollocks that people tell women with fertility issues. It is bollocks whoever it comes from. Your mother is talking bollocks. Have I made myself clear?

A bit of your body is playing up. Bit of animal bodies play up all the time. That is why we have vets and doctors. It isn't magically different and "meant to be" when it's your reproductive equipment, as opposed to your respiratory equipment, or your cardiac equipment.

You have a difficult decision to make, but don't let vague warbling about accepting fate affect it. You wouldn't be expected to accept fate and forego a procedure for any other part of your anatomy.

Good luck with deciding. Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you peace.

I was going to have IVF last year and I already have one child - our (DP and I) thought that we would regret not trying more than trying so we went for it.

I don't think you are being in the least bit selfish. I hated being an only child and longed for a brother or sister. If you both one another child then go for it I'd say. Good luck!

'want'

"Just not meant to have children" is bollocks that people tell women with fertility issues.

Totally agree. People who make this kind of comment have invariably never had fertility problems themselves, or they're childless by choice.

OP I am in the same position. One dd and secondary infertility. Many people, my mother included have made the same comments 'be glad you have the one dd. You're not selfish and your concerns are absolutely valid IMO.

Personally (and it's a hugely personal decision) we've decided that for now IVF isn't for us. Maybe one day we'll try it but we've decided to adopt. It's taken 2 years of discussion to decide that that's the right thing for the family and that we can offer a good environment for a new child.

YANBU and should make your decision based on what you, your dp and if appropriate your dc. Good luck OP

I don't think you are selfish and I don't believe the crap some people spout about how many children you're 'meant' to have. Personally I would never opt for IVF. If you decide it's what you want, then best of luck with it