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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its unfair that bil does nothing but gets half the money?

71 replies

Notaboutmoney · 17/01/2014 00:46

Have name changed as have a feeling I could be BU, dh and bil are joint executors and beneficiaries on mil estate. Bil lives abroad so we have done everything, all the probate forms (saving about £10k in solicitors fees) cashing in accounts, cancelling everything, cleaning and dressing house for sale, and now clearing house - it has been a LOT of work, made worse because house is an 8 hour round trip from where we live. I know Bil can't do much as he's abroad, but he spent 4 weeks in house over summer and did nothing, we'd cleaned it before he arrived and he didn't even Hoover or clean because he ran out of time so we ended up cleaning again the next time we went up. (He has a family of 4). Last week I listed all furniture on ebay and got a couple of thousand pounds for it, I think if we'd got house clearance in we would have got a pittance or even paid them, it's taken me all week to list, communicate and organise and will now take all weekend to clear, to be honest I begrudge handing over any of it but know he's entitled to half so will do the right thing. Just want to rant really...

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 17/01/2014 07:31

ithaka You obviously have no idea of what's involved in applying for probate and winding up the affairs of a deceased person, never mind selling their property which is only a fraction of the work involved.

Therefore I suggest you keep your vile comments to yourself.

GinOnTwoWheels · 17/01/2014 07:31

If the solicitor wanted £10k, and there was a house to be sold, it sounds like the two brothers will be due a fairly significant inheritance ( tens of thousands or even over a hundred thousand each).

In that case, it seems reasonable to me that you should keep all the eBay money as a token recognition of your effort. Or if your work has saved the £10k solicitors fees, I can't see any argument against you having that amount extra.

But then again, would this cause a huge family fallout, and is it worth it?

ithaka · 17/01/2014 07:32

Oh yes I do. And if an in-aw was muscling in on my parents estate deciding how it should be done then expecting to be paid I would not be impressed.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/01/2014 07:39

This isn't what you want.

This is MIL wish that her sons get half each. That wish shouldn't be questioned.

DeckSwabber · 17/01/2014 07:39

I'd leave it if I were you.

I understand as I have done most of the work clearing/selling my mums house, using almost all my annual leave, while my bro who doesn't work has been 'too busy' but found time for three holidays in the relevant period.

But you really are better off just letting it go.

ithaka · 17/01/2014 07:42

Remember, OP hasn't done anything out of kindness, it has been to increase her DH's inheritance. BIL may have preferred to use a house clearance firm than have OP raking though his mother's possessions. He may be thinking he has done the decent thing in letting her.

OP - drop it. Your DH will get more money by your actions, which is what you wanted. This is not your mother's death, leave your BIL alone - he is the bereaved one, not you.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 17/01/2014 07:44

It would be nice if bil acknowledged your work and offered but (because he left the house in a mess - totally judging his entire personality on that!) he probably won't

BUT - if you got a few thousand from ebaying furniture (i'd get about a fiver from mine) I'm guessing the estate is quite sizeable so, whilst i think you're totally justified in ranting, i think the extra money owed from your work time is probably not worth hassling over in the scheme of amounts.

Blu · 17/01/2014 07:44

Have a good old rant!

It's a lot of work, but bear a few things in mind before you sink into permamartyr resentment: knowing that it was 4 hours away and bil lives abroad it was nevertheless your actual choice to diy rather than use a solicitor and a house clearance co. It might have been better for your dh and bil to plan in advance how it was to be done and to talk about petrol costs etc, but both men will have been grieving, presumably, and you have to factor that in, too.

Be pleased with yourself, it is a massive achievement. It is an issue that bil appears not to acknowledge gour work, but that is different from being legally entitled to his share of the estate, and you knew nit would be like that from the outset.

It is also very bad that he left the hours in a mess after his stay, but again that is a separate issue. It should have been dealt with directly as in 'the house needs to be left in a salable state, fine with you if we get a cleaner and bill you so that we don't have an extra 8 hour round trip?'.

Keep ranting, or deal with your resentment some other way because it would be a shame for you and your dh, and your dh and bil to have a lasting rift over this.

If they have that sort of relationship your dh could tell him to show some manners and thank you, but once it has all gone through and the dust has settled. Yu never know, he might send you a nice token of his appreciation once it has all gone through. Though house mess incident hints at someone less considerate.

oldgrandmama · 17/01/2014 07:46

It's quite OK for you to reimburse yourself for expenses incurred in winding up the Estate. Your BIL shouldn't object to this, so long as it's all open and above board.

Nothing like a Will for stirring up family tensions! My brother hasn't spoken to me for 16 years over my mother's Estate! He tried to pull a fast one (greedy git), got found out and blames me, as I stopped him.

Casmama · 17/01/2014 07:56

I think it see,s really grabby and like you are trying to profit from your MILs death. Unless your BIL specifically asked you to do what you have done then he should not expect a bill for services.

Listen to your husband and leave his alone otherwise you risk causing serious problems in the family.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 17/01/2014 08:01

Really, if you were expecting payment I think the right way to go about it would be to ask/bill the BIL before doing the work. He probably feels bad at not being able to help, and equally mourns in his own way. Maybe he doesn't want to appear grabby either...Perhaps he has to wait until the will is seen through and then he might decide to give you a gift afterwards.

Out of interest, OP, how much were you hoping for?

Walkacrossthesand · 17/01/2014 08:04

By my reckoning, each 8h round trip cost you £100 in fuel alone so I would feel totally justified in keeping back at least some of the eBay revenues to pay for that - in an estate of the size you're describing, that small adjustment would be 'lost in the noise' surely? And if you'd rather do it formally, then costing the number of trips made and deducting from the estate seems eminently reasonable.

Alwayscheerful · 17/01/2014 08:06

We have been in a similar position. I believe you can charge for your expenses but not for your time. Make sure you charge for all the mileage involved at the Inland Revenue rate, not quite sure what it is, it used to be 42p a mile I think it's 45p a mile now.

You can feel satisfied that you have done the right thing at minimal cost to the estate but more importantly, in a timely manner, solicitors tend to retain estate money for much longer due to waiting for claims on the estate, because you have handled the estate you have probably received your inheritance much sooner.

I presume you were able to select any chattels you wanted yourselves and perhaps your brother in law chose very little because he lives abroad. Personally I think it more respectful for family to deal with personal possessions, it would seem very sad for contents to go by way of house clearance and possibly end up at auction.

OP just be happy that you both did the right thing, that the estate work is coming to an end, it is a very onerous and thankless task. Your brother in law should thank you both by way of a gift but sadly most people do not recognise either the size of the task or the stress and work involved.

ll31 · 17/01/2014 08:08

Is the small amt of money ie re expenses worth sone famity upset, your and your husband's ddecision. If u don't need it, I'm not sure id bother making issue of it tbh.

Onesiegoddess · 17/01/2014 08:15

I would get your DH to email brother and list all you have done (in a very lovely way) and how long it has taken. DH understands brother couldn't be there to do his half and wondered if he could thank you after?

bobbywash · 17/01/2014 08:18

It's up to your DH to claim what he wants from the estate in tems of his costs and charges (ie petrol) he can't claim for his time unless, as has been said, there is provision in the will.

TBH you are being U, it's nothing to do with you, but all to do with your DH and his brother. As BiL lives abroad, he could have been more involved and delayed everything. I have helped with probate etc when my DP's mother died, including taking a week off work, to do house clearence, decoration etc, I was given a small thank you from the non involved beneficiary, even though I didn't ask or want anything. It in no way relected my time and involvement but I was embarressed to receive it none the less.

I just thought that at that time it was more important to help my DP, any potential for personal gain (which is what you're talking about) was the last thing on my mind, as it should be yours.

VivaLeBeaver · 17/01/2014 08:18

Surely your bil wouldn't mind you billing the estate?

My brother did this when he sorted all of Grans will out. Charged an hourly rate for his time. I wasn't bothered at all.

DameDeepRedBetty · 17/01/2014 08:23

When my grandfather died, for various reasons I did more of the sorting out afterwards than any other person - I lived closest and had the most flexible work.

The other legatees got together and gave me his car over and above my own percentage share, which was a lovely surprise, it only had 18,000 miles on the clock.

schokolade · 17/01/2014 08:27

Has to give half once the estate has been billed for OPs time, Fireside.

PoppyFleur · 17/01/2014 08:29

Good grief, some posters have been very harsh, the OP only wanted to have a little rant.

OP - rant away, your BIL sending a note saying "thank you" would not have cost him anything. If your BIL wanted a solicitor & house clearance company involved he could have organised that.

Equally he & his family stayed in his mothers house for a 4 week holiday and could have organised for the house to be cleaned before & after their stay. He did neither.

I suspect your BIL would rather not be troubled with any of this & prefer someone else do it because he probably doesnt understand the work involved.

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2014 08:42

Claim your expenses back -it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

My DB and I sorted out our parents' estate and each claimed back what we'd spent.

No problems.

As to BiL's lack of involvement - nothing you can do about that, sadly.

MaidOfStars · 17/01/2014 08:52

leave your BIL alone - he is the bereaved one, not you
You don't consider in-laws as part of 'the bereaved'? Having just lost my wonderful MIL, I couldn't disagree more.

OP, in your shoes, I would feel uncomfortable charging expenses. I wouldn't have thought a little treat, paid for by husband and BIL (although suspect your husband would shoulder the cost), is a radical move though. Ideally, your husband should come up with this idea...

themaltesefalcon · 17/01/2014 09:09

No one asked you to do that work, OP. Charging a fee for something you volunteered to do doesn't sit well with me.

Those suggesting fudging the figures should be ashamed of themselves. What's a little theft from family?

JeanSeberg · 17/01/2014 09:10

Baffled as to who wouldn't want to get maximum value from an estate instead of wasting £££ on solicitors, house clearance companies, chucking stuff on the tip that can be sold on eBay etc.

That's exactly what I'm doing with my mum's estate, I'd consider it an insult to waste any unnecessary money on solicitor fees and not get the maximum sale value for the house by 'dressing' it in the best way I can. It's got absolutely nothing at all to do with me wanting to profit from her death.

bumbumsmummy · 17/01/2014 09:22

Ok then give bil his half and deduct what you want from your DH as a little treat to yourself in recognition of your efforts see how that goes down or is he planning to treat you once all this is over ?

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