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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my DS?

37 replies

Rooraboodles · 16/01/2014 18:16

My ds is 14 and has asked for a lock on his bedroom door. I initially said no but that we would respect his privacy and knock if his door was closed.
He has said that he won't lock his door overnight (which was one of my concerns) but is fed up of people (his younger brothers and his dad - mainly his dad) who forget the knocking and just waltz in!

My son is pretty open (no passwords on phones etc) and talks to me a lot so I don't think he wants to be secretive just to have some privacy.

I don't like the idea at all - he can have 'meltdowns' and I have told him that this is one of the reasons I am not keen. We have also had problems with school refusal and I can see him just locking himself in!

Does anyone else have locks on doors? It is not something we had at home when I was growing up so would appreciate some views.

AIBU to say no to a lock on his door?

OP posts:
42andcounting · 16/01/2014 18:22

Can't comment on the parenting aspect as I'm still a learner (DD is 13:weeks!), but how about one of those bathroom door locks that you can open from outside with a coin in an emergency? They look like a normal bathroom turn lock iyswim, but have a groove on the outside to open eg if littlies lock themselves in. It woukd stop the casual barge ins, but also give you access if necessary. Might be a good compromise?

Prettykitty111 · 16/01/2014 18:23

I don't think you are BU, however I can understand his request for privacy at that age. How about getting him a sign he can put on his door when he wants privacy and trying to 'train' the rest if the family that way that your son is now getting to the age where privacy is important. If the sign makes them start knocking first then problem solved. If it doesn't then you may have to look at another solution

LaurieFairyCake · 16/01/2014 18:27

It's a great idea if he really wants it as you can use it to bargain with.

Refuses school? Lock gets removed - this might make him go more. You can easily kick the door in of one of those little bolts

Locks it at night? Lock gets removed

He just wants to masturbate in peace, no one wants an audience for that.

Bowlersarm · 16/01/2014 18:27

That's a tricky one. I have teen DSes, and no one as asked for this yet, but I don't think I'd do it.

Can you make a big thing about your other DSes and DH absolutely respecting his privacy and not go barging in? Have a big family meeting about it, and enforce it.

He is quite right to insist on his privacy.

bigTillyMint · 16/01/2014 18:28

Your DS is NBU to want privacy. Your DH/DS2+3 are BVU to not knock and wait to be invited in. My DC would quite rightly hate it if we didn't do this.

I would make sure everyone respects his privacy in preference to having a lock on the door. It smacks of a lack of trust within the family.

Plus even with a teen who seems absolutely fine, there can be times when you might need to get into their rooms.

youmakemydreams · 16/01/2014 18:30

I remember wanting a lock at that age for privacy as well.
I think like others have said it can be a good bargaining tool and the suggestion of a bathroom type lock that can be opened from the outside may be a good compromise.

Blithereens · 16/01/2014 18:32

Why not get the whole family to agree to a trial period of not entering his room without knocking? If they can keep it up for, say, a month, he might not need the lock. If his privacy still isn't being respected (which it should be) then get the safety lock the poster above suggested.

Tbh if he wanted to stop you coming in during a meltdown or something he would just stuff a towel under the door which is what I used to do Grin A safety lock would be better than that.

HerrenaHarridan · 16/01/2014 18:32

Another vote for one of those bathroom locks. Poor laddie wants to wank without fear of someone walking in. Definitely not unreasonable!

gamerchick · 16/01/2014 18:34

Try the promise of privacy first and get it drummed into the rest of the family on the stipulation that if his wishes are ignored then you'll talk about the lock.

My son has one of those internal locks on his which you use this long key to open, so it an be opened from outside and in. it's more so he can keep my youngest out when he's not in the house though.

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Satin-Chrome-Security-Rack-Bolt-Star-Door-Lock-60mm-Long-Splined-Key-x-1-/321114290638

NatashaBee · 16/01/2014 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Turvytopsy · 16/01/2014 18:37

We allowed ds1 a lock when he was 14 as it was the only way to keep pesky ds2 then 3 out. But it was one of those hook and eye type locks. Wouldn't stand up to slightest amount of force from an adult but kept little brother out. He also had one high up on the outside of his door. For when he wasn't in his room.
It was a good compromise. I knew I could get in in an emergency and I didn't need to worry so much about the little choking hazard bits and pieces in his room. He felt respected too.

DurhamDurham · 16/01/2014 18:39

I've got two teens and would never allow locks on bedroom doors( they have never asked for locks) as it could be dangerous and it could lead to problems in the future, when he is older you may have regretted letting him have them in the first place.

We knock before entering either too our teen's rooms, privacy is fine and should be respected. Locking yourself in your room should be discouraged IMO.

ShowMeYourTARDIS · 16/01/2014 19:33

Surely you can get a lock that you can unlock form the outside? That way you can get in if you need to. I had one of those at my old house...no idea what they're called, unfortunately!

Since other family members can't remember to knock, it seems to be the best solution. As others have said, if he breaks your trust, the lock is gone.

SparklingMuppet · 16/01/2014 19:35

My biggest worry would be the danger that a locked door presents in terms of a fire at night. Therefore I wouldn't countenance a lever lock or even one of those bathroon locks, but a hook and eye should be fine.

moanymandy · 16/01/2014 19:39

I had a lock on my door at that age but it was to keep my light fingered little sister out when I wasn't there.

Maybe you could give it a go and give him the opportunity to be sensible with it. if you have any trouble with going to school etc then just remove it.

mrspremise · 16/01/2014 19:41

He can have a lock but only if you can keep a spare key 'in case of an emergency? if he doesn't answer to knocking or if he goes and loses the bastard key

Original poster
Rooraboodles · 16/01/2014 22:03

Thank you all for your comments.
We have had a family 'chat' tonight and explained to the two younger ds's that they absolutely must knock on their brother's door and wait until he says it's ok to go in. We have put a sign on his door to 'remind' us all to knock (is easy to forget).
DS is happy with this compromise (for now!) but I have stressed to everyone (especially dh) that we have to do our bit and give him the privacy he deserves.
Agree that if we do get a lock then it would have to be on the understanding that he kept door unlocked over night and that said lock would've removed if we had problems with school.
Really useful, thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rooraboodles · 16/01/2014 22:05

Dh just come downstairs from taking DS a drink and said he had to leave it outside the door as he had been knocking on the door and as DS has earphones on he cannot hear him!

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 16/01/2014 22:09

If your DS wants a drink can he not get it himself?

NearTheWindmill · 16/01/2014 22:11

Text if he's got earphones on.

No, mine wouldn't have a lock but they haven't asked either. Have given a knock on DS's door though if it's shut for the last few years. Never really thought about it; usually everyone's door is open here because otherwise the cat's get shut in !

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/01/2014 22:16

We only have a lock on the bathroom door (and my 14yo DS is the only one who uses it Grin I'm not going to think what he does in there)

We would never go into DS room without knocking.
DS would never go into DD room unless he was under heavy sedation Wink

Definately time to lay down strict rules. Then have another rethink in a month?

CrispyCrochet · 16/01/2014 22:18

OP sounds like you've come to an agreement but I'd like to say that where I grew up in America all bedrooms had locks (as did bathrooms). I was pretty shocked tbh when I moved here that bedrooms don't have locks!

Anyway it was never a problem as the locks were the sort that could be opened from the outside very easily (wire coat hanger). Or even (as another poster said) a firm kick to the door would have easily opened it.

Just thought I'd add my two cents!

ICantGoOverItICantGoUnderIt · 16/01/2014 22:29

This reminds me of my DSis when we were teenagers. She is a very private person and hated people just walking into her room. She had one of those old fashioned latches on her bedroom door and she discovered she could jam something down her side which effectively locked the door. One evening she was listening to music and didn't hear DM knock. So (tiny 4ft11) DM manages to break down the door in about 5 seconds flat and DSis gets the fright of her life, the first thing she knows is DM flying through the door! Grin

In short, I would second the suggestion of a lock which can be opened from the outside in case of imagined peril.

maddening · 16/01/2014 22:29

you can also get a door chain that can unlock on the door frame end so you can push the door ajar and use a key to unlock it - the chain drops down when unlocked

sykadelic15 · 17/01/2014 02:14

I second the chain idea. That way people if people STILL forget to knock he's got some privacy AND you can open the door enough to yell inside if he's wearing headphones