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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To force dd to continue with swimming lessons

39 replies

Doowop · 16/01/2014 16:07

Right, genuine AIBU. I would really welcome others' views on this.

Dd10 told me today that she doesn't want to continue with swimming lessons, her reasons being that she just doesn't.t like it and it eats into her time. Her lesson is once a week and lasts an hour. I have said that it is non-negotiable and she has to continue to go.

My reasons for this are I think it is important for her to be doing some kind of sport out with school - don't care what it is. It's not just the health/fitness aspect- it has been good for her to mix with other kids who do not attend the same school as her just in terms confidence, being outside your comfort zone etc.

She is a fairly sporty kid and is pretty competent at most things - not necessarily the best but does well and is lucky that it comes fairly easily to her. She did gymnastics for about four years but grew bored of that so stopped last year. Then she started judo, did that for about a year then grew bored. Athletics - that lasted for a while but she grew bored of that too so she stopped. I have absolutely no problem with any of that - entirely up to her.

However, swimming is another story. It is the one remaining sport that she does and the main reason for not wanting to go anymore (not that she'll admit it) is because she might miss out playing with the kids in the street for the hour she is away at swimming. I get that, I really do but I don't think that justifies dropping her lesson.

She is a good swimmer and loves the water and part of her argument is that she knows how to swim so why does she need to go. She wants to start a diving class and I have said that this is conditional on her continuing the swimming.

Am I being a complete bitch? My dad was a complete control freak and controlled every aspect of my life (eg going with me when I got my hair cut so he could tell the hairdresser how to cut it - until the age of 16) and I think because of my upbringing, I worry that I have been too heavy handed with dd and have turned into my father.

I am beginning to doubt myself. If she was a little older, I would respect her decision but I think I'm justified in putting my foot down about this just now. AIBU? (Hell, this is a lot longer than I intended)

OP posts:

Thants · 16/01/2014 16:13

I hated being forced to do after school clubs that I no longer liked it used to make me so anxious being Made to go to drama that I would vomit every Saturday. I think maybe look into something she would prefer that still encourages her to mix with other kids. She should have a say in what she does in her spare time. Yabu.

ilovepowerhoop · 16/01/2014 16:15

dd gave up at that age because she had reached the limit of learning to swim and was at the stage of going to the actual swimming club, which she didnt want to do. She does still go to gymnastics but cant think of anything else she wants to do.

Is she still learning new things at swimming or is she stagnating and doing stuff she can already do well? Tell her she can give it up if she finds something else to do first. Could she do diving instead of swimming?

CailinDana · 16/01/2014 16:16

Would you be ok with being forced to do a hobby you don't enjoy?

TheListingAttic · 16/01/2014 16:16

Why would you make her do something she isn't enjoying? If she's interested in diving classes, that would tick the exercise and mixing with other kids boxes - so why on earth not just let her do that?

henrysmate · 16/01/2014 16:16

why does the diving that interests her hinge on the swimming lessons continuing please?

Athrodiaeth · 16/01/2014 16:17

Is there a sport she'd like to do? Why not let her stop swimming lessons and do diving? I agree on her doing a sport but she doesn't necessarily have to keep slogging through swimming lessons if she can swim (that's generally the bit where enjoyment is necessary to continue.)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/01/2014 16:19

Ds3 used to join things, do them for a while, and then give up - Cubs, football, Boys Brigade etc etc. I was pretty peeved at the way he never stuck with anything - and then about a year and a half ago, his friend invited him to join a local hockey club that his (the friend's dad) helped coach.

Ds3 hasn't looked back - he's barely missed a practice, and has now graduated to a much bigger team locally. He just needed to be allowed the space and time to find his 'thing' - maybe your dd is the same?

AwfulMaureen · 16/01/2014 16:19

YABU. Why can't she do the diving and maybe you could increase your family walks or send her to a different class such as gymnastics. Why make a child continue? It's meant to be a hobby.

Sparkles86 · 16/01/2014 16:19

If it's one hour a week I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable. If she wasn't at her lesson what would she be doing out playing? Could you not compromise and say that if she swims she gets to play on x day?

I totally understand why you want her to keep the swimming lessons going but if she is really hating it is it worth it in the long term?

Topaz25 · 16/01/2014 16:20

If she's already a strong swimmer, then why can't she move on to the diving class? That is also sporty and will help her meet new people.

soontobeslendergirl · 16/01/2014 16:23

I think I'd test the water (no pun intended) by saying that she has to choose one sporting activity to do - if she doesn't want to do swimming, then fair enough but she has to do something. Let her try something else before you cancel the swimming. As long as she can actually swim to a decent level then there is probably no merit in her continuing if she really doesn't enjoy it.

I think it's okay for them to try different things and find something that they enjoy but I still make my two (13 and 12) go to sporting activities because if they didn't they wouldn't voluntarily get any exercise whatsoever and it's part of my duty as a parent to ensure that they grow up as healthy as can. Having said that I wouldn't make them go to anything that they genuinely didn't enjoy when they got there, it's more a "can't be bothered" attitude.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/01/2014 16:23

YABU - why make her do something she hates, the diving is still sporty so just let her do that.

My DS always hated swimming lessons. I always said once he could swim competently he could give up - he can so he did.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/01/2014 16:23

Half an hour in the water and time to get there, undress and then get dried and changed, sounds hardly worth it.Why not just sign her up for diving if she can swim already?

As far as something else to try, ttrampolining might suit her.

Original poster

Doowop · 16/01/2014 16:23

I should have been clearer about the swimming lessons - they're not lessons as such, more like training although it's not a club. She went to a swimming club for years but stopped a couple of years ago.

Re the diving - I suppose I just want to see a it of commitment from her before she starts something else which she probably end up dropping so in a fit of pique I said that the diving was contingent upon her swimming continuing.

Do you know, even as I am typing this I am thinking So What? If she doesn't want to do stuff, she shouldnt have to- it's not like she's refusing to go to school. BUT there's a bit of me that thinks it is important. Fuck, she's going to end up in therapy isn't she?

OP posts:

dontcallmemam · 16/01/2014 16:23

Surely swimming lessons are primarily for safety? She's a sporty girl anyway and can swim competently. I'd let her give up.
When she goes onto her secondary school there will be tons of new sports to try.

Prawntoast · 16/01/2014 16:24

I wouldn't force her to be honest. If she has reached a certain level of competence the next stage would be club swimming and the commitment there would be more than once a week. If she isn't going to get much more out of the lessons I would let her try the diving.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/01/2014 16:24

An hour not 30 minutes my mistake.

Prawntoast · 16/01/2014 16:25

sorry, see we have cross posted!

Summerblaze · 16/01/2014 16:26

It is a hard one. My DD does like doing after school activities but she doesn't like doing it on her own. She started dance class at age 3 but didn't like it so I stopped it. Once she got to 5 she wanted to start cheerleading so I found one and she went there. She didn't like the big kids so we stopped. Then she found that her new friends from school went to a dance class so she went with them there. She loved it, was very good at it, and went for about 3 years......until her friends stopped going. She then moved to Brownies as her friends went there and she is still there as are they. She is quite lazy and would quite happily just sit and do quiet things, computer, drawing, tv, quiet playing with toys etc so I have to push her a little to do slightly more active things. Problem is she loved doing all of them but just not on her own. Confidence thing, obviously.

We went swimming with a friend of mine and her ds every week from them being babies and they went until they were 8 when the friends ds no longer wanted to go as he had so many football commitments. It didn't matter, she can swim and as she said "I don't want to be in the olympics). But I was a bit concerned as that meant less exercise.

She loves gymnastics but doesn't want to go without her friends so she isn't going to go. I have tried to tell her that you meet new friends but she isn't having it yet.

So I think YABU but can totally see why.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 16/01/2014 16:28

Training? Ie just swimming up and down up and down up and down at a stroke she does well already? Ugh. Let her leave.

Diving IMO has little to do with swimming. Diving school right now coz of tv. Just let her ride that wave...

Doesn't sound like she wants to give up entirely or else why she suggesting diving?

TheListingAttic · 16/01/2014 16:28

I'm not sure commitment is something a ten year old needs to hammer away at! I don't see the problem with her trying new hobbies for a bit then moving onto something else. If she finds something she really takes to, she'll stick with it. But if she's just enjoying the novelty then I'd let her run with whatever-it-is till it gets old then move one - she gets to try a whole load of new, fun, interesting things that way. Why on earth make her keep hammering away at something she's lost interest in? Alright, if we were talking about a homework project, then sticking power is important. But it's not, it's a (supposedly) fun sporty hobby. I'd say she has to have at least one sport on the go, but let her hop around different ones if that's what she fancies - keep things interesting!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 16/01/2014 16:28

Cool not school

ivykaty44 · 16/01/2014 16:29

no she is not going to end up in therapy you are showing her that having outside interests is an important part of life other than just going to work/school and playing/socialising with mates.

If the swimming hour is the only hour of the week that she has an interest - then I would encourage strongly another sport (as you said she is sporty) to try in its place and if she likes it then gives up the swimming.

That will then show her trying new things is good and saying good bye to old hobbies is ok

ErrolTheDragon · 16/01/2014 16:30

She's probably a way better swimmer than anyone else other than serious competitive swimmers by now.

I'd let her drop the swimming providing you can agree on some other physical activity she will do instead for at least - maybe the diving. That's something that it must be nice to learn to do well, but not necessarily a long-term hobby. So it may be that in a few months time she does want to change again. Well, you can view that positively - try out lots of things, and at some point she may come across something she loves and wants to stick with.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/01/2014 16:31

But is it important to her.....or you?

Why is it so important she carry on. You saying it is training rather than a lesson makes it sound even worse to be honest - what is she training towards - her dreams or yours?

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