To force dd to continue with swimming lessons

[Doowop]

Right, genuine AIBU. I would really welcome others' views on this.

Dd10 told me today that she doesn't want to continue with swimming lessons, her reasons being that she just doesn't.t like it and it eats into her time. Her lesson is once a week and lasts an hour. I have said that it is non-negotiable and she has to continue to go.

My reasons for this are I think it is important for her to be doing some kind of sport out with school - don't care what it is. It's not just the health/fitness aspect- it has been good for her to mix with other kids who do not attend the same school as her just in terms confidence, being outside your comfort zone etc.

She is a fairly sporty kid and is pretty competent at most things - not necessarily the best but does well and is lucky that it comes fairly easily to her. She did gymnastics for about four years but grew bored of that so stopped last year. Then she started judo, did that for about a year then grew bored. Athletics - that lasted for a while but she grew bored of that too so she stopped. I have absolutely no problem with any of that - entirely up to her.

However, swimming is another story. It is the one remaining sport that she does and the main reason for not wanting to go anymore (not that she'll admit it) is because she might miss out playing with the kids in the street for the hour she is away at swimming. I get that, I really do but I don't think that justifies dropping her lesson.

She is a good swimmer and loves the water and part of her argument is that she knows how to swim so why does she need to go. She wants to start a diving class and I have said that this is conditional on her continuing the swimming.

Am I being a complete bitch? My dad was a complete control freak and controlled every aspect of my life (eg going with me when I got my hair cut so he could tell the hairdresser how to cut it - until the age of 16) and I think because of my upbringing, I worry that I have been too heavy handed with dd and have turned into my father.

I am beginning to doubt myself. If she was a little older, I would respect her decision but I think I'm justified in putting my foot down about this just now. AIBU? (Hell, this is a lot longer than I intended)

No you're not a complete bitch but you are being a bit unreasonable. you will have to start picking your battles sooner than you anticipated as she's at the age where you will have to negotiate more.

My DD asked the same sort of questions at aged 10yrs; could swim well, found it boring etc et. Her swimming instructor suggested synchronised swimming which she tried and loved it. I know several young people who dive and swimming classes alongside doesn't seem to be required so I'm not sure why you would want to insist on this.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to play outside with other children although I do understand your wish for her to keep up with a sport. so have a chat with her; say you want her to keep doing a sport but she chooses the sport (within reason). If it's just a matter of timing of the current swimming lesson, could she swap to another class / time?

How much socialising is she actually doing with other children because if you want an activity that where you mix with other kids outside school, I don't think swimming is the one I would pick. You can't really swim and chat at the same time.

You are not being a bitch and I do understand your frustration with her giving up all the things she has started, but if she has got all she can out of the lessons, she may be stagnating and getting nothing from the class. And really the social aspect of it is far too minimal to be any sort of draw. I am also puzzled why the diving class is dependent on her continuing at the swimming class.

I think YABU -let her choose!.

just re-read some of the OP and you say that you want her to have sticking power but if she is only 10 and did gymnastics for 4 years then that is a big commitment is it not? And actually the gymnastics combined with the swimming may make her a pretty fair diver.

In there time, my boys have been to:

Sports:
swimming
athletics
football
rugby
cricket
mountain biking
judo
tae-kwon-do
karate
Triatholon
badminton
tennis
squash
basketball
trampolining
canoeing/kayaking
and sailing

others:
guitar lesson
art classes
tin whistle lessons
pottery
beavers/cubs/scouts
karting

They still haven't found anything that they love.

They still do Scouts, Judo and Swimming (although it's now lifeguard training)

One does really love the Scouts and swimming but could take or leave the Judo but it's the best exercise he gets all week, the other likes the Scouts and likes seeing his friends at the swimming and is the same about the Judo.

I've told them many times that they can give up the activity if they find something else to replace it which they haven't as yet.

It's definitely ok to try things and I don't really think she has tried that much yet tbh.

You're incredibly lucky to have an hour a week train session. Here it'sx serious take over your life club and that's it.

Since my two mess about in the diving pool and do no lengths at all if we go at a weekend, they would not be giving that up.

I think you might be getting a bit hung up on the physical activity thing. Hard not to when we’re bombarded daily with screaming headlines about the obesity crisis.

It is a worry when children aren’t physically active, because we care about them. But you have to enjoy it and it appears your DD isn’t enjoying swimming any more and that’s allowed.

It’s also allowed that she wants to spend time mucking about with her mates; within reason. She’s growing up and building a social life. Obviously you need to guide her.

She’s suggested diving. That sounds great. Does anyone think that Tom Daley isn't fit?

I’d let her go for that and drop the swimming. She’s given a very adult reason – she can swim well, doesn’t need to learn more and wants to move on.

Also, I really admire you for considering you may have inherited your father’s control-freakery. Maybe you have; maybe not. But at least you considered it which is great. That sounds horribly patronising but it’s not meant to. Honest.

Maybe you can suggest she continue until a natural stopping point, like half term or the end of the school term? If she still wants to give up then at least you know that is what she really wants to do.

Diving would be a sporting activity so it would appear you have covered that base if she does diving.

If it is a commitment thing this may help - my Mum was always worried that my middle brother was not good at committing to any activity. He has grown up as the only one of us able to speak a foreign language and play a musical instrument properly so being allowed to chop and change a bit hasn't harmed him.

On the other hand I am in the process of trying to ensure dd (5) goes to her swimming every week and not just from time to time (as she would like) to make it clear that hobbies are not just something we keep available in case we fancy them one week! I have a feeling that children go off swimming a bit in mid winter - not a reason to drop it but just a hunch I have!

limitedperiodonly - ooh you are right - Tom Daley is fit!

Agree mim78 he's fit for lots of reasons. What a shame he wouldn't be interested in us in that way

Right. Back from swimming. Thanks for all the comments.

Decided before she went that I had been unreasonable and told her so. Said she would need to continue until the end of this session as I had paid for it and she was fine with that. She then asked if I was due my period.

I don't know why I had such a sticking point with this. I adopt a fairly laid back approach to parenting and she is a great kid. She does a couple of other non sport activities that she settled on after a period of trial and error with what seems like a million other things and I've been fine with all that chopping and changing (honest).

That said, when she came out the pool she said that she had really enjoyed the session and didn't know if she wanted to stop after all

So, we'll see but I'll go with her decision.

Giving her permission to stop after this paid-for course may stop her feeling forced into it and therefore more likely to continue!

Good decision I think - and well done for telling her you'd been unreasonable.

let her do the diving surely she will be swimming there too?
If she can swim then that's the safety aspect covered maybe she will come back to it again if you force her she will resent it.
Playing with her friends is important too.