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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let dd get in trouble over homework?

49 replies

nocontactforevermore · 15/01/2014 19:33

DD is 7. She has just completed a literacy and numeracy homework. It took 1.5 and I an almost in tears. She is also sobbing.

She rarely thinks for herself. Wants me to put every word of it into her mouth and then spell out every letter of every word so she can write it down. It ends up being my work- word for word.
By the time we get to numeracy homework I am stressed out because she is huffing, puffing, draping herself across the table, and generally being difficult. I become shouty mum, she becomes upset. She claimed to be unable to do the most simple (and I mean simple) of sums ( I'm talking 7 -6 ) and is demanding that I help her (give her the answers. I literally threw her homework book across the table in frustration. Bad I know.

What do I do? Every homework is a fucking nightmare. She just won't work independently and while I never leave the room while she's working so I can be on hand to help, (plus I always 'set her off'), my presence seems to switch her brain off and make her extremely babyish. Do I need to speak to her teacher? Let her not do the work?

She always wants to actually do the work as she doesn't want to get in trouble, but it's always at the expense of an upset household for 2-3 hours every week!

OP posts:

TwoTeaTessie · 15/01/2014 19:38

DS used to be like this. His school has a catch up session at lunch time for children who don't complete their homework.
So I stopped helping him. It only took a couple of catch up sessions before he cottoned on and started doing it at home with some help but not half as much as I was giving him.

I would say yes, it's her homework and her responsibility. If she can't do it she needs to speak to her teacher about it.

I would possibly have a quiet word in the teachers ear so she know what is going on and what stresses you are having with her

Smartiepants79 · 15/01/2014 19:39

Why do you not leave her to get on with it? I would go out of the room, saying I'll be back 5 minutes I want you to have done..... When I get back.
If you being there stops her trying for herself then let her have a go on her own.
Start her off, check she knows what to do and then walk away. Come back, check and edit.
If she still does nothing I'd give her a few chances and a set time and then say 'right that's it. No more.' Write a note for her teacher if necessary and see what happens.
If she always thinks you'll do it for her then she won't ever make any effort.

Judyandherdreamofhorses · 15/01/2014 19:39

How about setting a timer (20 minutes would be reasonable I think) and leaving her to it, but taking it away when the time is up and doing something different and nice together. Obviously pre-warn her that this is what will be happening. Write underneath, 'This was 20 minutes unaided work'.

theywillgrowup · 15/01/2014 19:39

op this is one of the reasons i DO NOT agree with homework in primary

i do help my son with his but am not happy about it and have viewed my opinion on parents evening

not much help op but i do see what your saying

trinity0097 · 15/01/2014 19:39

Have you tried putting her in a quiet room with a timer set for 15min say, set the timer, tell her to do the work, leave the room and come back when the time is up.

Do not try to do home works at the same time.

Tell the teacher that this is the work she did in 15min independently, or after 15min she can have help if she asks nicely, but do this in a different colour so the teacher knows what you helped with and what daughter did.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 15/01/2014 19:39

I think I would have a word with the teacher and find out how independently she is working at school. If she is managing it at school then have you tried saying 'I'll be back in a moment, lets see how you get on with that while I do x' and then if she attempts it, even if it is wrong, huge praise for trying it.
I'd also try numeracy first. Perhaps its too much all in one go and needs to be split across a few days.
You may well have tried that already though!

mrsjay · 15/01/2014 19:40

stop doing her homework there is helping her and doing it for her it also means the teachers cant judge how she is getting on if you are doing it for her let her get in a wee bit of trouble

pantsjustpants · 15/01/2014 19:40

I had exactly the same battle, and thoughts of not helping, with my dd at the weekend. Coincidentally she's also 7!

YANBU at all!

Marne · 15/01/2014 19:41

Homework should only take 30 minutes. We struggle with dd2 sometimes and I often just write a note in her book explaining 'why she could not complete it', I think at the age of 7 they should not be expected to do homework, my 7 year old is often tired after school, she just wants to relax and play (and why shouldn't she?). Dd2 gets one piece of homework a week (maths or literacy) plus spellings and reading every night, we do the maths or literacy as soon as she gets it (get it done and out of the way, usually takes 10 minutes, sometimes a bit longer), we read in the mornings before school and we practice spellings a couple times a week (but I don't force her to do these, if she doesn't want to then we don't bother, her spelling is good and she often gets them all right).

My older dd (almost 10), does her homework by herself, if she doesn't do it then that's her choice and she knows she will get in trouble and wont earn any house points.

noblegiraffe · 15/01/2014 19:41

Can you set a timer for half an hour and when the time is up the homework is put away whether she has finished or not? If she wants to do it, it might be the kick she needs. And if not, then at least it doesn't drag it out so long.

You will probably need to send in unfinished homework at least once so just write a note to the teacher.

vulgarwretch · 15/01/2014 19:42

I think you should talk to her teacher and find out what her attitude to learning is like in school. If it's fine there and the work isn't actually too hard for her then I suspect that either the volume of work is overwhelming for her and she is panicking, or you are making yourself too available and she is playing you.

How about setting her up with a drink in a quiet room on her own with a timer or clock. Tell her she has 15 minutes to work on her literacy homework and then however far she has got, that's what she hands in. Take a break and play for a bit. Repeat for numeracy.

Obviously you'd need to agree the approach with the teacher so that she knows that if she doesn't finish it she won't get into trouble.

LegoStillSavesMyLife · 15/01/2014 19:43

Is there a way you can be in the room, so she has company, but doing something else? DS does his homework while I'm cooking dinner, so I'm there but not sat next to him feeding him the answers.

I wouldn't have her sat there for 1.5hrs though, that's soul destroying for all concerned. Ask her teacher how long it should take, and then give her that amount of time (plus a few minutes leeway). When times up stop and she take in whatever she's done.

Original poster

nocontactforevermore · 15/01/2014 19:44

Really like the idea of the timer, thnks guys. I feel like a right fucking horrible mother now because she is sobbing, saying she doesn't know why she is I trouble with me for asking for help, but the thing is...my dd has a manipulative side to her and she KNOWS she was not simply asking for help, she was being bloody insufferable and she forces my hand through her behaviour. She acknowledges that she I've provided her with all the words, and then the next minute is crying her eyes out saying she is just 'struggling'.

Talk about feeling wretched!

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 15/01/2014 19:45

I agree with vulgar

The bottom line for me is that if it's affecting your relationship with her, which it is, then you need to back right off.

But talk to the teacher before you do anything else

vulgarwretch · 15/01/2014 19:46

How original of me!

vulgarwretch · 15/01/2014 19:50

Another thought - maybe she just is really tired? My dd was struggling massively with homework the other day, couldn't get the hang of the most basic-seeming calculations. I just let her give up. She got up early the next morning and did it with no trouble.

NewtRipley · 15/01/2014 20:08

yy vulgar

7 is really young. Children are being pushed more and more at school (I know, I'm a TA), and it can be the last thing they want to do at home

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 15/01/2014 21:00

My DD (also 7!) was a bit like this. In Year R we got her a timer and said she had to work at it for (I think) 15 minutes. Often, when it buzzed, she would want to finish it, as she could see how close to the end it was. She is bright, but has a tendency to bob up and down after every sentence. We tell her to stay put and either do something else in the room (i.e. DH will be doing the reading with DS1) or pop back in in, say, 5 minutes. I, also, do not approve of homework for Primary but, even though school do say it isn't compulsory, she knows it is set and wants to do it and not to stand out as not having done it.

halfwildlingwoman · 15/01/2014 21:08

Don't bother with the homework. My DS is year 2. He does homework if he wants to. If he doesn't, I don't make him. I just write a note for the teacher. 7 year olds should read at home but nothing else.
I am a teacher.

shebird · 15/01/2014 21:09

My DD6.5 has reading, spellings and time tables, it is a battle to get her to to do these. She is actually really tired after school and just cannot concentrate for very long so to do literacy or maths would be hard work and I would have the same situation as you. Perhaps have a word with the teacher and let her know that homework is becoming an issue. It could actually impact on her self confidence and might be counter productive to push too much.

Starballbunny · 15/01/2014 21:34

Just refuse to get involved. 7yo should not have HW, they KNOW this, even really bright DCs who can do the HW in 5 minutes refuse to.

If school insists in doling out HW, they deserve the misery of sorting it out.

There is no evidence anything other than gentle reading practice has any value whatsoever.

TheNightIsDark · 15/01/2014 21:39

You can refuse to do homework for primary. I read that on here so apologies if no longer true!

Waltonswatcher1 · 15/01/2014 21:56

Feel like shouting wtf -7?!?
Been through all this crap with my eldest-I feel sorry for what we both suffered when I actually gave a damn about homework.
After two years of the hell you describe I gave up.
Sod timers, sod this level of parental help.Encourage her do what she feels happy with,say brilliant dear and shove it in the book bag.
It's her work not yours. It doesn't reflect your parenting -either good or bad . It's just a ruddy follow on from the bloody reading level crap that started on day one.
Poor you and poor her.
( How do I add smileys anyone?!)

Joysmum · 15/01/2014 21:59

I had something similar with my daughter and it was because she has very high standards for herself and hates to fail.

It's something we've had to work on over the years, giving her the confidence to give herself permission to make mistakes.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 15/01/2014 22:25

my dd did this last night. so frustrating and i'm worried it's obvious how much i've 'helped' her.

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