To let dd get in trouble over homework?

[nocontactforevermore]

DD is 7. She has just completed a literacy and numeracy homework. It took 1.5 and I an almost in tears. She is also sobbing.

She rarely thinks for herself. Wants me to put every word of it into her mouth and then spell out every letter of every word so she can write it down. It ends up being my work- word for word.
By the time we get to numeracy homework I am stressed out because she is huffing, puffing, draping herself across the table, and generally being difficult. I become shouty mum, she becomes upset. She claimed to be unable to do the most simple (and I mean simple) of sums ( I'm talking 7 -6 ) and is demanding that I help her (give her the answers. I literally threw her homework book across the table in frustration. Bad I know.

What do I do? Every homework is a fucking nightmare. She just won't work independently and while I never leave the room while she's working so I can be on hand to help, (plus I always 'set her off'), my presence seems to switch her brain off and make her extremely babyish. Do I need to speak to her teacher? Let her not do the work?

She always wants to actually do the work as she doesn't want to get in trouble, but it's always at the expense of an upset household for 2-3 hours every week!

We have the same problems.

May be none of my business, but I'd have thought 7.30pm on a week night might not be the best time to do it.

Homework is a waste of time for primary children - as indeed is much of the 'work' they do at school. As long as they can read, write and do basic arithmetic by the time they move to secondary, they're fine.

Let her do the homework on her own.

It doesn't matter.

I asked the teacher how long homework 'should' take.
I then set a timer for that amount of time and we stopped after that (15 mins at age 7 in our school). It completely took the pressure off.

You have my sympathies though because up until that point homework was hell and it can still get like that sometimes if I forget myself and get over involved in it.

Leave her to it.

She can do it or not do it. Do it well or rush it. She deals with the consequences.

The only time I would get involved would be if the homework was too difficult/time consuming or the school were being unnecessarily harsh with punishments for no homework.

I find when my Ds (6) started moaning about HW, I say well don't do it then, he gets upset and wants to do it...

I don't get into homework battles...I spoke to teacher last year about how we were doing literacy , she said " It isn't your homework"..I did feel quite embaressed at the time but she did have a point...

I think it is worth talking to teacher how she is doing in school and explain issues..homework at 7 should not cause that much friction

Young children seem to instinctively parcel places and their procedures and rules into boxes.

DD2 was quite happy with home rules, nursery rules and preschool rules.

This continues to a school box and a home box when they are older.

Somehow HW upsets this compartmentalisation it seems to, almost make DCs panic. Things they'd do easily at school, they lose all confidence in doing at home.

It's another thing that only age cures. Anything that looked project like and open ended or DD2 didn't know exactly how to do caused panic up to about Y5.

Suddenly around 10 DCs seem to realise that they can just have a go, it doesn't have to be exactly what the teacher wanted, best efforts are ok and they stop panicking.

They may still hate and resent HW, but it's a different kind of hate you, as a parent, can reason with.

Don't spend 90 minutes on it, do 15 min one night, 15 min the next night and then send a note if it is not done, or chat with the teacher.

It's not supposed to take this long and it doesn't sound like it's her work anyway, I had to back off completely at this age because of tantrums over homework, now I only stay to help if they are polite and get on with it quickly, but that comes with age, and age 6/7, I didn't insist they did it if it was a bad week.

There is no point trying to get a tired 7 year old to do homework (believe me I have tried...) Send a note in 'dd was too tired to do homework so we're leaving it to the weekend'.
My dd (7)'s teacher sets half a term's home learning tasks at a time- a mix of creative, writing and number tasks to be completed when they like. It works brilliantly- she gets to choose what to do first and then we leave hw for wet sundays. Failing that, choices like which one to do first? bribery like do your hw in 15 minutes and then we'll go to the park?

Good theory- (I've left the reading book until ballet night again tho-doh! )

nocontact 'huffing, puffing, draping herself over the table' Sorry, but it really made me laugh!! thousands of children up and down the country doing the same thing!

One Mum was saying today she does the afterschool/bedtime routine 'back to front' - she put the kids in the bath straight after school (calms the 'crazy' afterschool behaviour down apparently), then dinner, then homework then if there is time they can play/watch TV until 8pm. She said that since she changed it around it has been a different house - kids get a break afterschool, then food, then a bit more work and they do their homework efficiently because they have the immediate reward to time to play. It wouldn't suit me, but it works for them.

Aww I love MN
Thanks everyone!

The general consensus is to 1. Leave her to it, or B) don't make her do it.

I admit that I caused such a fuss this evening myself that I owe my dd an apology. I want to wake her up right now to offer it:/ I am such a witch.
My dd holds teachers in great esteem. ( I admit to encouraging this because I think the respect is deserved) The idea of not doing a homework would horrify her, so I don't think I could get away with this but I am absolutely going to change now we handle HW from now on.

Btw, I started the HW at 6pm, not unreasonable given that I work full time. However, I'm sure it's deffo unreasonable in dd's eyes!

How much homework is she actually getting?

Was tonight's supposed to be done tonight with more tomorrow?

Because to me, that would have been weekend homework. Evenings should just be reading, and spelling and tables practice (not every night for them either).

It all seems too much.

She gets one literacy and one numeracy a week, but they are very lengthy IMO. She also has to read every night and has spellings twice a a week. The reason we did both numeracy and lit tonight is because she just wouldn't entertain them at the weekend. :/

And honestly it does get better. Around 9 or 10 DCs suddenly grow up and start wanting a bit of independence from always letting adults make choices for them.

It may make them horrible to live with, but it gives them the confidence to just have a go at HW rather than subconsciously wanting to put their hand up and ask the teacher if they are doing it right.

I really don't think children should be doing homework at that age beyond learning spellings and tables ahead of a test or reading. Why try and turn young children into worker drones? Why not let children have fun being children in their leisure time?

If the teacher thinks the exercise is so important, why isn't it being covered between the hours of 9:00am and 3:30pm?

Why should homework by drudge? We've always enjoyed here as a way for DD and I to spend quality time together and her to show off what she knows as well as appreciating mummy has a brain too!

I'm a believer in homework for primary school kids because it teaches independent work and self motivation ready for senior school when kids can then already be in the right mindset to enjoy keeping on top of their home learning.

However, there shouldn't be tons of it and any worries or concerns should be discussed with the teacher. Education of kids should be a parent/school partnership.

Does she eat dinner before homework? My DDs get their dinner when they arrive in from school, then 30 mins of faffing about, and then homework starts. Otherwise, they would be very stressy about the homework. DD2 is 9, and still hates homework too, but wouldn't dream of not doing it. She sits up at kitchen table to do hers, and I potter around in the kitchen. It can take up to 2 hours, as she makes a drama lama out of it. She can get it done in 1 hour when motivated. Teacher said to turn it in after 30 mins effort, but she wouldn't dream of that.

If you aren't home until 6pm, can she do homework at childminders?

Finally, I would definitely have a word with the teacher. My DD2 struggles with learning, and has received learning support in school. The first place we spotted the learning difficulties was in the homework. We brought it to attention of the teacher, thought it took until the next year's teacher to do anything about it... As result of this support, she can do most of her English related homework easily. Maths is still a struggle sometimes, especially when they have new topics.

DD1 (11) was similar until age 9. When she was 8, her teacher insist the entire class timed how long it took to complete their homework and write it into homework copy. 30 mins was acceptable. 45 mins was acceptable outer limit. It focused her on getting it done with 45 mins. That was 3 classes ago, she has been doing her homework independently since.

Some DCs have no problem with homework - just get on and do it, do their best, ask for help if they need it. Joysmum - you are lucky your DD is one of those.

Others procrastinate and prevaricate, throw tantrums about it, "forget" it, or do some half-arsed rush-job.

I have one of each and have nearly come to blows with one of them

Starballbunny is right

None of this bears any relation to how they are at school

To get too stressed about it as adults is hugely counter-productive

Thanks all. Yeah I know it's counter productive, which is why I feel crap for flying off the handle about it, she is totally not going to want to do it in future with me acting like a nutter!

nocontact

I've been there. Didn't mean to imply I haven't. I've had near-tantrums myself with one of mine

Hi Newt - no I totally understand why you meant, so frustrating isn't it!

you can also talk to the teacher and ask if your dd can do 20 mins 20 mins numeracy, then STOP.
She HAS to do the best she can by herself, but it won't go on forever and there will be no penalty. She does have to stay at the table and do as much as possible in that time, and you will sign at the end of the work to say she did, or leave a note if she didn't.

I'm a teacher who employs this strategy and it can really get over the 'fear' of endless work that never goes away, and make them work by themselves.

Once she's accepted that homework is a necessary evil in her life, you can work on doing more/greater independence etc.

Make her do it whilst you are busy with your hands, like cooking. She can see that you physically cannot help her?

Hahah I'm usually cooking while she's doing her homework but it doesn't put her off. She would win an award for drama - draping herself over the table, crying, head on table, hanging off table so she's half on floor, whining and whining.

Oh the whining is what sends me loopy!!

Btw most commonly used phrase is: what shall I write next and how do you spell that? Ha!