To tackle a mother about comments her DS is making to my DS?

[dontmakeascene]

Delicate subject.

My DS (10) has just sheepishly and gently told me that a boy in his class was teasing him today by saying that his mum (ie. Me!) was fat. This was said in front of all his classmates.

I AM fat - am 13st 9, 5ft 4 and am currently doing 5:2 to sort myself out. 2 and a half years ago I was 10st 7 but life has been shit, I have eaten badly and have paid the price.

To make matters worse this boy has also been telling my DS that HE is fat on a regular basis. I have had to do a lot of work with my son, reassuring him and telling him that he ISN"T. He isn't, he's between the 75th and 90th percentile, already has bigger feet than me (size 5 and a half) and does seem somewhat bigger than some of his classmates because he is also the oldest in the class. He probably seems a giant to this other boy and will probably be a good foot taller than him when they are fully grown!

The boy who is making these comments is small for his age and both his parents are diminutive in stature.

I know his mother as our kids have been through nursery and school together. We are not "best mates" but have had chats but not so much lately. She is younger than me (not hard!), very slim and is often glammed up on the playground for work (high heels, statement jewellery, bright lipstick and highlights). She's also a very busy person and I rarely see her on the playground these days.

I'm sort of tempted to send her a PRIVATE message on Facebook (she's one of my friends) and just fill her in. I am hoping she will be mortified and give her son a talking to. I just think it's something she should know about. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. I actually talked to her quite a bit when I dieted down to 10st 7 and she even lent me a diet book. I might just say, yes, I know I have a weight issue and I have to deal with that myself but I don't want my son being teased about his weight or his mothers.

I cried when my DS told me this (not in front of him of course). It's that horrible realisation that you can't go from being fat to being thin overnight and that I will be "the Fat Mum" for a considerable time yet. I know what kids are like and they can be flippantly cruel but I just feel something needs to be said.

So would I be unreasonable to send her a message or should I just concentrate on getting thin and not say anything?

You should say something, but to the school, not the mum.

This child has probably got his nasty opinions from his mother in the first place, so talking to her is unlikely to make much difference. If she does talk other child it could just be to tell him not to say those things to your son rather than explain to him how horrible he was.

It would definitely be better to talk to the school and let them deal with it.

I wonder if the boy saying these things actually feels inadequate if he is lots smaller than your ds, possibly he is saying these things to make himself feel better about his relative smallness. Not that that's an excuse.

I think it's a good idea to send a message.

Don't feel bad, kids can be cruel about almost anything, it really isn't your fault!

I wonder if the boy saying these things actually feels inadequate if he is lots smaller than your ds, possibly he is saying these things to make himself feel better about his relative smallness. Not that that's an excuse.

I think it's a good idea to send a message.

Don't feel bad, kids can be cruel about almost anything, it really isn't your fault!

I tend to agree. You would be better going straight to the school. They need to know about the nasty bullying. If y don't go to the school and the mother takes her sons side what will u do then? Go straight to school and tell them.

It is not at all a good idea to send a message, she is likely to believe her son if he says he didn't do it. If you are that concerned about it, go into school and get them to apply their bullying policy.

I know this sounds horrible, though, but it is unlikely that this will be the last time anything will be said about weight again in your son's life. Children shouldn't call each other names, but they do.

I would report to the school so you have some extra clout if he denies it, which he is likely to.

If you do say something, please don't say that you are addressing your weight issue. It is completely irrelevant. Even if you weighed double what you do, then it is still no ones right to make comments about it.

My boy made a classmate cry because he told him that his mum was fat when they were both Y5.
I had a serious talk with him to make him understand why it was unacceptable, and he wrote a letter of apology to the mum. It was hard for him to understand, because DS has AS, the parent in question was very overweight and to him it had been an observation rather than a taunt, in the same way as saying 'My mum is tiny' because I'm very short.
But the AS is an explanation, not an excuse.
To help it stick in his mind, I told him that if he called someone fat again, he would have to apologise on his knees in the playground at pick-up time. With flowers.
It never happened again. He has learned about the difference between observations that should and shouldn't be made, and if he's not sure, he stays silent.

I would send her a private message, and tell the parent that I was doing so rather than inform the teacher at this stage. I'd try and ensure the tone of my message wasn't too accusatory, and hope the Mother was suitably embarrassed and humbled as a consequence. If the name calling continues I'd approach the class teacher next.

Maybe message and say sometging along the lines of "X has said to my ds that both he and I are fat. While I accept that I could stabd to lose a few lbs (and beleive me I am trying!), I am horrified at the thought of aby ten year old worryong about their weight. Especially when he is far from fat. I hope that it is a one off, and maybe you could have a word with your ds about this. I feel the need to tell you that if he continues to insult my son, or upset him by insulting me; then I will have little choice but to speak to the school"

'This child has probably got his nasty opinions from his mother in the first place'

Mine didn't.

God....dont cut and paste - my spelling!!

My DS was once teased in primary school because I am disabled. His reaction was "Yeah I know she's disabled, so what, she's my Mum and she's great".
The point I'm trying to make is that you can't stop people being nasty but you can encourage your kids to have a robust reaction to criticism.
Being overweight is nothing to be ashamed of anyway.

If it were me, I would handle it differently and I know it's not the way recommended by the vast majority of MNers.

I would say to DS that x is wrong to be teasing him about 'anything' (no matter what it is) and that if he wants me to, I will talk to the teacher, but that learning to deal with people like this is all part of life.

I think the trend to go straight to the school (or other parents) doesn't teach children to cope with the world as it is.

I would also say to him that sometimes it's just as well to shrug things off and show the 'teaser' that you couldn't care less. 'and?' works quite well.

'Your Mum is Fat'
'...and?'
'Well, she's F A T - FAT!'
'...and?'

Or something like 'I don't care - why do you?'.

As an aside, I am sorry you have been hurt by this and feel responsible for giving them something to tease DS about, but try not to feel like that - if it wasn't your weight it would be something/anything else. (I'm a good bit heavier than you - so I do understand how you feel x).

I think some of you are right when you say that maybe this boy says these things because he might feel a bit insecure. I've said this much to my son when we've talked about him calling my son fat (trying to make him understand why he says this "untrue" thing) And I'm sure I do look absolutely enormous when compared to his own mother! People can be flippant about fatness, I don't think his mother would be deliberately nasty about it.

If I thought the school would do anything effective about it I might go to them first but they're all a bit feeble on the bullying front. What I would like to happen is for them to speak to this boy, speak to DS SEPARATELY and then get his parents in to inform them of what's been going on.

My DS would call this other boy a friend. He's Mr popular in the class and is a bit of an alpha male in his peer group. I fear that my DS puts up with a lot of s**t because he thinks he's a bit cool and doesn't want to fall out with him

LOL - and that x-post with Moomin shows all that could have been said in two sentences

PLEASE don't message the mum or talk to the mum.
Please talk to he teacher. Thus is nasty teasing and teacher should deal with it.

And I know. I am not fat. Dh is. And ds1 was teased about it. And the mum said "well he is".
I learnt the hard way to let school deal with things.

At aged 6 to 8 children are supposed to learn empathy. Ie understanding, what it would feel like to the other person.
So after aged 6 they aren't supposed to say horrible things, such as a toddler says: 'mummy why is that woman so fat/ have such a bad moustache/ stink so much.

No 10 year old should say such a thing. It is really , actually, nasty bullying.

Teacher must be told and should address it.

If you know the other boy's mother, you'll almost certainly be better off speaking to her personally - either face to face or on the phone - rather than via an online message.

If your discussion is 'live' rather than by test, you'll get a much better result.

Chipping and moomin I kind of agree with this, I do think making your children robust, and talking about how to react is a good idea. Perhaps go into the school if it continues, but not Facebook the mum.

To whoever said that the boy may have got it from the mum, sadly we live in a size-obsessed world and children can be heard talking about who is fat or dealing with this from about Year 2/3 onwards. My friend's dd is very large indeed and even though her friends stick up for her and the school is very helpful in coming down hard on bullies, she does still get remarks and I am not sure you can stop that completely. Children talk about who is fat, who is not, about their own bodies negatively, it's such a shame.

test? I mean 'text', of course.

I wouldn't say anything to anyone. I know that goes against mumsnet code, but seriously, kids say all kinds of nasty stuff and you can't go into school every time it happens.
A boy in my dds class called me fat (5ft 3, 10 st 10) and I just laughed and told dd that there are some insensitive idiots in the world and to ignore them. You can't go barging into school complaining to the teachers every time a child says something mean. I'd be in and out of the school daily if I did that! As for sending a Facebook message, NO NO NO!

I also agree with ChippingIn. When I go into school to complain, I want it to be about something big and proper. Not the teasing that is part and parcel of school life. Children will always be unkind to one another. Unless it's sustained, I don't think it's bullying.

You would be doing your DS an enormous favour if you could teach him to ignore this kind of dig

I agree with Chipping and Moomin. He's 10 and needs to be able to deal with other children saying unkind things. I had a similar conversation with my nine year old DS this morning. Talk to him, support him but give him the courage and confidence in himself to challenge back appropriately.

I'm on the side of those saying don't say anything. The other boy was undoubtedly mean but this isn't some ongoing bullying campaign. It just happened today and will likely be forgotten about tomorrow by both boys. I'd say for now tell your DS that the other kid was horrible to say what he did. Then I'd wait and see what happens in the next few days.

It is very very hurtful to children to say mean things about their parents even more than about the child themself.
However unless it is a sustained campaign, then it is teasing rather than bullying and you would be better equipping your DS to deal with it himself.
I tell mine to just reply 'so?' to everything