To tackle a mother about comments her DS is making to my DS?

[dontmakeascene]

Delicate subject.

My DS (10) has just sheepishly and gently told me that a boy in his class was teasing him today by saying that his mum (ie. Me!) was fat. This was said in front of all his classmates.

I AM fat - am 13st 9, 5ft 4 and am currently doing 5:2 to sort myself out. 2 and a half years ago I was 10st 7 but life has been shit, I have eaten badly and have paid the price.

To make matters worse this boy has also been telling my DS that HE is fat on a regular basis. I have had to do a lot of work with my son, reassuring him and telling him that he ISN"T. He isn't, he's between the 75th and 90th percentile, already has bigger feet than me (size 5 and a half) and does seem somewhat bigger than some of his classmates because he is also the oldest in the class. He probably seems a giant to this other boy and will probably be a good foot taller than him when they are fully grown!

The boy who is making these comments is small for his age and both his parents are diminutive in stature.

I know his mother as our kids have been through nursery and school together. We are not "best mates" but have had chats but not so much lately. She is younger than me (not hard!), very slim and is often glammed up on the playground for work (high heels, statement jewellery, bright lipstick and highlights). She's also a very busy person and I rarely see her on the playground these days.

I'm sort of tempted to send her a PRIVATE message on Facebook (she's one of my friends) and just fill her in. I am hoping she will be mortified and give her son a talking to. I just think it's something she should know about. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. I actually talked to her quite a bit when I dieted down to 10st 7 and she even lent me a diet book. I might just say, yes, I know I have a weight issue and I have to deal with that myself but I don't want my son being teased about his weight or his mothers.

I cried when my DS told me this (not in front of him of course). It's that horrible realisation that you can't go from being fat to being thin overnight and that I will be "the Fat Mum" for a considerable time yet. I know what kids are like and they can be flippantly cruel but I just feel something needs to be said.

So would I be unreasonable to send her a message or should I just concentrate on getting thin and not say anything?

Oh gawd I don't know what to do for the best! I have plenty of chats with my DS usually along the lines of ignore, why pay attention to anything he says etc. perhaps he's jealous of you because you are so fab etc... Our school is all into "building resilience" and I agree to a large degree. Toughen up - ignore - move on.

BUT sometimes I think it needs tackling head on. I suppose I should also separate out how ashamed and upset I feel about my weight from the jibes being made against my DS. I'll have another chat with my DS tonight and sleep on it. And OddFodd I hear what you are saying about going into school only when there is "something big and proper" to complain about. But then I think, maybe there IS merit in nipping it in the bud before it BECOMES something big and proper?

Anyway thanks all for your thoughts.

I also agree with chipping and moomin. Op my son sounds like yours; hes also much taller than most of the boys in his class year 6. Hes had some teasing about his weight, hes not fat either. Hes response is if you say so, what ever. Hes had comments about having water in his lunch, his reply is so what, I like it.

Unfortunatly some children just arnt nice to others, they need yo learn to shrug it off imo.

Although if it continued and became unbearable for him id go into the school

I do agree. Your ds needs to learn how to stand up for himself.
Loads of kids are nasty. And if they are not teasing him about this it will be something else.

Dh is fat. And not that tall. I am small. I wear glasses. I have a diabetic insulin pump with a long wire hanging out. Ds1 wears glasses too and is Aspergers. Ds2 is ginger.
There is loads to tease us about.
But ds1 takes no shit. And dh is the quick witted person and rips nasty people to shreds , without them even realising!! If we could all teach our children a few of those techniques , we would be doing them a favour.

Ds1 called another kid fat when they were in Y4. It was dealt with in the school and I wasn't told until parents evening. DS apologised and I kicked his arse from bollocks to sundown. He also asked if I would buy the other kid a book at the book fair (which is at parents evening) as obviously he wouldn't be getting the book that he usually gets for a glowing report. He doesn't get his nasty attitude from me, but just from being a human, and a young one at that. He obviously was old enough to know it was wrong but children are often crap at dealing with their emotions and they lash out.

I'm glad the school dealt with it but I wouldn't assume that the mother will think its perfectly fine to go around calling people fat just because her 10yo did. Personally, if my child was the wrong-doer, I would want the school told in the hope that he would think on.

Bigmouths, bullies and so called friends is a good book wrt dealing with 'so called friends'

What moomin said.

If it continued though, and had an effect on your child, I would have a low key chat to the teacher and let them know what's going on, so hopefully they can nip it in the bud. They might be able to do some whole class sessions on tolerating difference etc. That's how a similar issue (with race, not weight) was handled in my ds's school. The children were younger though.

I do think though that your son needs to know you don't care. If he sees that you are unhappy with yourself, and gets a sniff of the fact that you see "being the fat mum" as a terrible thing, then he will feel that too, in relation to himself. I'm a fat mum, I'd rather not be, but a ten year old saying it wouldn't upset me.