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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To claim Mumsnet stalking is unreasonable?

65 replies

CrossFace · 15/01/2014 14:37

I have been a regular poster on Mumsnet for about two years. I've pretty much always had the same name and had become pretty fond of it. It isn't the one I'm using now, but you may have recognised me otherwise.

Anyway, my BF has taken it upon himself to go detective on my Mumsnet identify. He has been picking up on clues I mentioned and then Googling the shit out of them until he found me.

I discovered this when he started telling me about all the threads I've posted on for months, in a chummy now we can laugh about Mumsnet

OP posts:
Bootycall · 15/01/2014 16:27

he's out of order as it's your private time. my dh wouldn't do this but he wouldn't be interested anyway!

he's a bit creepy sorry.

you heed to make change I am afraid or that's what you risk. I didn't for years but so now every month. I hate it as I like to recognise other posters but it's too risky.

Original poster
CrossFace · 15/01/2014 16:27

It's a bit like following someone around the shop to see if they prefer bananas or pears. When the simple solution would be "darling, do you prefer bananas or pears?"

OP posts:
TheNightIsDark · 15/01/2014 16:29

Very fucking creepy and insecure.

Original poster
CrossFace · 15/01/2014 16:30

I think on his side, that he was genuinely unaware of how closely a mumsnet identity is guarded.

Although thinking of it, he did ask me who I was when I was talking about a thread ages ago and I refused to tell him because I said that wasn't how mumsnet worked.

I have learned my lesson now. The first rule is we don't talk about mumsnet.

OP posts:
BeverleyMoss · 15/01/2014 16:31

It's really not funny is it.

Husband knows I know of Mumsnet because I used to mention one or two things I'd read about. I would hate it if he read what I'd posted here though, not that I really say anything I wouldn't say in RL, but it's like listening into a conversation isn't it? - very bad form.

Bettercallsaul1 · 15/01/2014 16:34

Oh, is he finding you just from your nickname alone, and not by looking for personal details? In that case, isn't it just a matter of changing your name to a new one (another one that you really like and want to stick with), and then giving him no clue, ever, what it is? Forewarned is forearmed so, if he ever starts fishing for clues, do not respond and change the subject immediately!

TuckingFablet · 15/01/2014 16:43

pretty darn creepy if you ask me.

BeverleyMoss · 15/01/2014 17:06

Oh and switch to private browsing before you start MNing!

OneHolyCow · 15/01/2014 17:22

Second rule is don't talk about mumsnet etc..
Sorry he does sound creepy and I would not be happy. My husband knows I'm here. I share the funniest bits with him. He jokingly threatens to report me to you lot if I do something 'out of line' but in a truly jokey manner. He would never spy on me.

ineedanexcuse · 15/01/2014 17:29

He sounds like the worst kind of creep. What sort of Brother in law thinks he needs to know more about you and does this by snooping online. Using google to get more information is seriously stalker territory.

Do you feel safe around him? About leaving him alone in a room of your house?

Lord knows what else he needs to know about you.

LadyBeagleEyes · 15/01/2014 17:49

I'd hate that. My son knows my username but he's only 18 and has no interest in my MNing, though my sister and niece know I use it but I don't tell them who I am as it's my private time.
I'd be furious.

kmc1111 · 15/01/2014 17:57

A lot of people wouldn't think of your Mumsnet username as any different from a social media profile. I personally can't get on board with this idea that Mumsnet is a private, safe space...it's a public forum. A very, very, very popular public forum that it takes seconds to register on. So if you view it like that, it could be seen as quite cagey to try and hide your username. If my DH wouldn't tell me his Twitter name I'd start wondering what exactly he was writing that apparently isn't fit for viewing by me, and Twitter can be just as anonymous as Mumsnet.

Meh84 · 15/01/2014 18:05

Why give him clues? Surely you must've known curiosity gets the better of people sometimes?

Perhaps next time don't mention it at all.

Fairenuff · 15/01/2014 18:07

Keep your username.

Ditch your boyfriend.

Original poster
CrossFace · 15/01/2014 18:08

I wouldn't expect someone to read my emails, but I haven't got anything to hide. And I think Mumsnet is different to Twitter. Twitter isn't supposed to be anonymous. It's the opposite.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 15/01/2014 18:13

I'd be tempted to revert to my username and post a lot of amusing anecdotes about my soon-to-be-ex-bf, but that's just me

Original poster
CrossFace · 15/01/2014 18:13

They weren't clues. It was just idle chat. You'd hardly expect a man to start trawling through a website for mums in case I've written anything more interesting than a recipe or my favourite type of rag for mopping up baby sick. But more fool me for letting him know that it is actually much more interesting than that.

I just wasn't expecting the level of interest in it to be quite so keen. Or stalky.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrossFace · 15/01/2014 18:14

DameFanny - :o Damn that would have been brilliant

OP posts:
HoneyStepMummy · 15/01/2014 18:15

YANBU. I think what he is doing is rude, evasive, and trespassing on your privacy. It's the exact equivalent of reading your diary or hacking into your Facebook account.
I understand that Mumsnet is a public forum, but it is anonymous therefor offering us some privacy.
In RL most of my friends are single and have no kids. I live overseas and have found MN to be an amzing place to come for support and tips from other mums. I would be horrified if my DH was stalking me here.
I don't like facebook but my DH does. I would never dream of stalking him on FB, as I trust him.

Joysmum · 15/01/2014 18:20

If this were my hubby, I'd be really worried that he felt the need to do it. I'd see it as a sign something was seriously wrong. Hubby is free to read anything I write but he knows he can ask me if he wants to know, he wouldn't need to go detective.

Southeastdweller · 15/01/2014 18:29

Creepy and sad if you ask me. I've no intention of ever telling anyone my MN username for reasons like this.

newsecretidentity · 15/01/2014 18:30

I had this from an ex very recently and thus my username. I started a similar AIBU, (as did another poster on in similar circumstances on the very same day) and several posters on those threads have been through this with current or ex partners. The overall feedback I got from those threads is that while

a) it's a risk you take when posting on a public forum,

b) it is also creepy and disrespectful of your privacy to read something that you know was not intended for you.

newsecretidentity · 15/01/2014 18:34

Perhaps all of the posters this has happened to should change their usernames to "fuckoffcreepystalker1", "fuckoffcreepystalker2", etc.

helenthemadex · 15/01/2014 18:37

what happens on mumsnet stays on mumsnet Angry

my exh used some of the things I had posted on mumsnet at our divorce hearing, I havent changed my name if he wants to stalk me he can sad fucker

uptheanty · 15/01/2014 18:38

YANBU

LTB