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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if being scared of dying is normal?

67 replies

Mintymelon · 15/01/2014 14:09

Hi mns,
This may sound crazy but I can't stop thinking about how short life is.
Ever since I was around five years old I had near enough panic attacks that one day I won't be here. I have two dc aged 3 and 5. I feel having them has made me even worse!
I have asked dh how he feels about death and he kind of looked at me like I was a mad and said along the lines why would be be scared and 'its part of life'.
I choose to be very positive and don't let fears stop me from doing things but Aibu to be so scared of death and how does anyone just 'accept' it's going to happen ? I sound very weird I know and I plan to live life to the fullest but I absolutely hate the fact that we are going to die. It's depressing and I never understand people who are not frightened by it.

OP posts:

JennyCalendar · 15/01/2014 19:03

*We should ask ourselves how we felt during all those billions of years before we were born.

Being dead is going to feel exactly like that.*

^ Suzanne, that is exactly want sends me spiralling into palpitations.

Not a comforting thought at all for me!

Jewels234 · 15/01/2014 19:06

It's actually making me feel so much better knowing so many people are the same as me. I think that a lot of people think this. 5 HTP has helped me recently.

Sorry know that's not very helpful but I've been struggling with this recently and it's just so reassuring that other people feel the same.

JennyCalendar · 15/01/2014 19:06

'what' not want

BehindLockNumberNine · 15/01/2014 19:18

newtripley I feel the exact same as you. I don't fear dying. I do however fear old age, pain or debilitating illness. I watched my strong, healthy father succumb to cancer in a matter of weeks. Seeing him waste away, in fear, unable to eat, swallow and eventually breathe was unbearable. Death was a relief (despite the fact he was only 65).

My granny lived relatively independently (warden assisted) and passed away peacefully in her sleep. I don't fear that at all.

But old age, pain, relying on others for my personal care, that is what I dread...

tudorqueen · 15/01/2014 19:21

Many years ago when I was still nursing I worked on an oncology ward and saw a number of people die. I think that often it is process of dying that is the problem, rather than death itself. If you have suffered a lot of pain for a long time, then death can almost be welcomed. But I can see how a short, painful and traumatic death could be viewed differently - but then, it's always the people left behind who are affected because they are the ones who are left with the memories/images of that death. One patient I had died of oesophageal cancer and that was horrendous, whilst pancreatic cancer - where they were on increasing amounts of morphine and just faded into a coma and then faded away was peaceful.

However, it also needs to be remembered that whilst you are thinking and worrying about dying, you are not living and surely that's the most important thing.

But YANBU. It's all natural.

dannychampionoftheworld · 15/01/2014 19:24

Despite being Catholic, I feel no certainty about what happens when we die. I accept the teachings of the church but it doesn't particularly comfort me because whatever happens is bound to be so utterly different to anything we know. Or there'll be nothing and consciousness will end, so we won't know we're dead.

So I don't feel particularly scared but I think I would if I had small children, because it's the idea of not being there for them.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 15/01/2014 19:48

I think about this all the time. I worry about me or my loved ones dying in an accident or something. Sometimes I feel like it's going to happen any day now. It's horrible. DH doesn't ever think about it, and thinks it's weird, calls me a doomsday merchant. But I can't stop.

We're insured for all income of things, but I'm convinced. What gets me/him will be something that's excluded.

tudorqueen · 15/01/2014 19:55

BakerStreetSaxRift - you can't help the way you feel, and sometimes when we're anxious about something nothing can stop you thinking about it. Is the problem that your DH dismisses your fears? If so, maybe sitting down and explaining how you feel and making arrangements for if something bad does happen might help. Or, if he won't listen, someone else who you can talk to.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 15/01/2014 21:00

Sorry income was meant to be manner!

I don't think he's trying to be dismissive of my fears, but, to him, it's just such a weird thing to think/worry about. He doesn't like to talk about it, which in a way I understand, but then I think it's always good to plan for the worst case scenario.

I do things like, when I'm flying, I look out the window to see where the pilot might try and land in an emergency. It doesn't make me anxious, I just like to know. This type of thing would never cross DH's mind.

Original poster

Mintymelon · 15/01/2014 21:10

Thank you for sharing all of these posts.

Baker - I think exactly the same
Jenny - lol exactly ! Doesn't put ones mind at rest
Danny - I was raised as a catholic too and I would love to still believe but I don't

Tudor - yes the process of dying is awful in itself - thanks for sharing your experiences. Truly amazing and makes you appreciate things

OP posts:

sykadelic15 · 16/01/2014 01:45

I agree with Bettercallsaul1 @15:17:40

I'm not scared of dying or death itself but do hope it's as painless as possible. It intrigues me (given your fears though I won't go in depth about that) but I'm not scared of it.

It's funny because on the one hand you're scared of death and people say that could be depression, but being scared of death makes me think you love life too much to lose it... opposing thoughts.

You can't change it. It will happen, hopefully not for a long long time. You should try and turn this feeling into a desire and drive to live life to the fullest. Every moment being precious.

Original poster

Mintymelon · 16/01/2014 01:58

Skydelic- thank you for your beautiful words and advice. I will try to do that

OP posts:

DizzyZebra · 16/01/2014 02:30

I am awake right now because i am terrified of dying, myself and my children. I am seeing a doctor about it next month. It's taking over my life. I spend most of my time thinking about it at the minute. It comes and goes, usually triggered by something i can't shake.

msvenus · 16/01/2014 04:44

As the saying goes that that the only certainties in life are death & taxes, everything else is extra. So I am not too scared about it but what does worry me is the manner & timing of my death. It is the not knowing which is the hardest part but I think its because job involves planning future events to the tiniest detail.

The best way to deal with it is to make sure that you have written your will so that your wishes are fulfilled arw after your death. Also, live your life the best you can and make the most out of all the opportunities life presents. That is all you can do.

msvenus · 16/01/2014 04:49

The end of paragraph 1 doesnt make sense!

Its meant to read as " its because my job involves planning future events to the tiniest detail."

AmericasTorturedBrow · 16/01/2014 05:02

Sorry haven't read full thread because first few posts even discussing it is enough to send me into a mild panic that could easily spiral into a panic attack - haven't had one in years because I'm pretty good at avoiding the thought and subject

So no YANBU

maddening · 16/01/2014 06:49

I have thought about it lots since having my ds which has highlighted how much I didn't think about my own death or that of my family or friends.

The thing that scares me most is premature death - particularly painful/violent such as an accident. I can cope with tge idea of death due to old age and I know that most people die older these days but then you read about some v tragic deaths and realise that it could happen to anyone - couple it with an active imagination and I freak myself out.

I also avoid horror films since having ds - I don't know ifbbecoming a mum jas highlighted death for me or if it is a natural part of getting older.

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