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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if being scared of dying is normal?

67 replies

Mintymelon · 15/01/2014 14:09

Hi mns,
This may sound crazy but I can't stop thinking about how short life is.
Ever since I was around five years old I had near enough panic attacks that one day I won't be here. I have two dc aged 3 and 5. I feel having them has made me even worse!
I have asked dh how he feels about death and he kind of looked at me like I was a mad and said along the lines why would be be scared and 'its part of life'.
I choose to be very positive and don't let fears stop me from doing things but Aibu to be so scared of death and how does anyone just 'accept' it's going to happen ? I sound very weird I know and I plan to live life to the fullest but I absolutely hate the fact that we are going to die. It's depressing and I never understand people who are not frightened by it.

OP posts:
TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 15/01/2014 15:49

I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about growing old (better than the alternative) and having Alzheimer's which just terrifies me frankly.

graceholl · 15/01/2014 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsoh79 · 15/01/2014 15:50

I'm also terrified, even more so after losing my 4 year old nephew in a tragic accident in 2012, although I am accepting of the fact it's going to happen, still scares me though.

OrangePixie · 15/01/2014 15:56

I have phases where I worry about it every day and then I'll go ages without really thinking about it. Life takes over!

I think everyone fears it, or at least has times when they do.

SuzanneUK · 15/01/2014 16:05

God and his eternal kingdom were invented to remove fear of death.

Nowadays, however, most of us know he doesn't exist and that, when you're gone, you're well and truly gone.

It's a bummer, but what can you do?

SparklyMonkeyMummy · 15/01/2014 16:18

MintyMelon,

I can completly empathise with you on this. Ever since I can remember I have been petrified of dying. I get proper panic attacks over it. I can be lying in bed and then suddenly it will hit me, and I can't breath, feel sick, etc. It also happens when I am trying to fall asleep, I guess the darkness and drifting off into unconsciousness gets my mind on that track. The worst part for me is that there is literally nothing you can do about it, there is no way to stop it...you literally can't escape it. Life seems so very short and I am having more and more panic attacks as I am getting older. Each birthday all I can think is that I am now a third of the way through my life (if I live to old age), that I'll soon be over halfway, have fewer years to live ahead of me than I have lived behind.

Having had my little girl, and being pregnant again I constantly feel guilty for having our children, just so that they have to watch us die and in their turn die themselves Sad.

My husband doesn't get it, and he isn't scared of dying himself, he says the only thing that bothers him is how he will die. I have spoken to my mum as well and she is no longer scared of death either.

Even typing this I feel panicky and sick that I will one day no longer be here. No one seems to understand and constantly tell me 'but you won't know that your dead', like it'll make me feel better! It doesn't, it makes me feel so much worse that after all this, that me will just cease to be. To be honest it makes me very envious of people who are religious and can believe in a after life.

Should probably speak to someone (you'd think I'd know better being a psychology Masters student!), but feel I'd have to go private, and have no money for that...

Mummytotwox · 15/01/2014 16:19

Is it wrong that I worry about having a fire or something aswell :(

Chippingnortonset123 · 15/01/2014 16:26

Think of how peacefully we accept the passing of relatives and friends; your own death will be received just as peaceably.

Bootycall · 15/01/2014 16:34

I am not afraid if dying but I am petrified of my children dying.

we thought we had lost dd in a crash 2 years ago, didn't know if she was dead or alive for hours until the embassy called us, she was abroad on a school trip. we knew there had been at least one death and serious life threatening injuries.

so now my grown up children text me every day to check in, especially after a motorway journey and my teens do too.

have had counselling but to be honest I think my fears are completely justified as are yours op.

I say embrace how you feel, don't worry it's wrong, it isn't.

Original poster
Mintymelon · 15/01/2014 16:38

Wow than you for replying and sharing such honest posts. I'm nearly 30 so refreshing to hear from ladies telling me that when you get older it gets easier to accept.
I'm completely the same as those who can't get their head around that we'll cease to exist and just be nothing.
Also wished I believed in heaven but I don't unfortunately & envy those with faith.

Sparkly - people have said that to me with an honest face 'you won't even know you're dead' and likewise I fail to understand how that makes it seem better

OP posts:
CiderBomb · 15/01/2014 16:42

In my late teens early 20's I went through something quite similar. It was around the time of 9/11 and I'm not sure of this is exactly what triggered it, but it made me realise how fragile life is. One minute you could be perfectly fine, living and breathing and the next dead. Just like that.

It actually used to terrify me, the thought of no longer existing was just too horrible to bare. It terrified me that we have no control over when we go. It could be today, tomorrow, next year or 40 years from now.

I don't think it's normal really, but I do have an anxiety disorder and it doesn't help matters I don't think. It's apparently a sign of being a deep thinker, and I've always tended to dwell on things. But it doesn't really bother me as much now, I've accepted that it's going to happen to us all eventually.

SuzanneUK · 15/01/2014 16:42

people have said that to me with an honest face 'you won't even know you're dead' and likewise I fail to understand how that makes it seem better

Possibly because you have no reason to fear something you'll never experience?

SuzanneUK · 15/01/2014 16:45

We should ask ourselves how we felt during all those billions of years before we were born.

Being dead is going to feel exactly like that.

daisychain01 · 15/01/2014 16:48

YANBU, I totally get where you are coming from mintymelon - I also have a big irrational fear, just because it's so weird to think of not being here on earth any more - will it really, really be nothing after that? or will we have some other experience that none of us can possibly know at the moment.

It makes my brain ache sometimes.

I would be happy to set up a MN support group so that people who are afraid of dying scaredycats soppy eejits like me can get together virtually, hold each other's hands and go "there there - don't worry".

It somehow would make it more bearable.

mintberry · 15/01/2014 17:02

Lastnight You are doing well then because for a lot of people not having a religion and believing in an afterlife is what causes them to fear death. Wink I think we live in quite an individualist culture, and so the idea that you might one day not exist any more is very scary to a lot of people.

A lot of existentialist literature/art (De Beauvoir, Sartre, Nietzsche, Delilo) etc. has popped up since the decline of religion in the 20th century trying to deal with death when life supposedly has no meaning. There's been a rise in the popularity of Buddhism for this reason. It's also, IMO, why you hear of people suddenly becoming religious when they know they are going to die.

I was once talking to a group of people about this of varying ages (20, right through to people in 70s) and the general consensus seemed to be that it became something you would accept as you get older.

For me, I feel like it will get better if I have something tangible and important to leave behind. It's part of why I want to have children so much, and I would quite like to write a book one day.

You are all totally normal, and honest.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 15/01/2014 17:02

YANBU I cannot think too much about it tbh it gives me brain strain

Original poster
Mintymelon · 15/01/2014 17:04

Suzanne- that completely makes sense and I should think more like that

Daisy- totally the same as you - trying to get aroind what happens after if maybe nothing at all hurts my head!
Definitely think we should have a forum/support group - wonderful idea ! Would be very helpful to so many
I can't believe just how many people feel the sand and have fears
Such an eye opener and I find it fascinating how people view the topic and I hope one day I can accept that one day I will be just nothing and gone forever (writing that makes me have a mini panic attack)

Thanks for replies and sharing

OP posts:
SparklyMonkeyMummy · 15/01/2014 17:15

Daisychain I think the support group is a good idea. I too have an generalised anxiety disorder, so probably my fear of death is linked to that.

Suzanne the difference is that while we have not been around for billions of years, right now we are alive, right now we have a conciousness and this gives us the ability to realise that we only have this short period of time to exist, experience, live and then it's all gone, just like that, and we will never get to 'be' again. I know I'm not explaining it well, but the thought is terrifying. I really wish I could switch off to it and to accept it.

It is the finality of it, and the fact that unlike other scary events etc, this one is unavailable, there is literally no escape from it.

Orangeanddemons · 15/01/2014 17:40

Weird and incomprehensible are my thoughts too. And also dare I say it curiosity?

FoxyHarlow123 · 15/01/2014 18:28

I too wish I had religion in my life but sadly, it's just not for me. I have huge fears of dying and of my dear old mum dying too. I look at her talking sometimes and wonder just how it is possible that this feisty little frail bundle will soon just not exist. I can neither understand it nor accept it.

Abra1d · 15/01/2014 18:30

I went through a feeling of intense fear of the moment of death: feeling a sense of panic. I kept going through a loop of knowing, suddenly, that I was about to die and that nothing could change that and that I literally only had seconds more to live.

Then it ... stopped. Perhaps it's some kind of natural developmental thing we all go through. I was about 40.

NewtRipley · 15/01/2014 18:35

I don"'t think i am afraid of dying.

I'm much more afraid of living in physical or emotional pain.

I never understand why living to a long old age is something to be applauded. I don't want to live that long if it involves overwhelming pain.

I am an atheist.

2tiredtocare · 15/01/2014 18:51

I used to be the same OP panic attacks from a very young age and paralysed by the very thought of it all. Any depression I suffered would always manifest itself with torturous thoughts about it but I simply don't care any more, can't say why I'm afraid but I always think of the intelligent words of my younger brother to give me solace if I waver 'living forever? Fuck that'

2tiredtocare · 15/01/2014 18:54

I think it's called Thantophobia

missmarplestmarymead · 15/01/2014 18:55

I have religious faith but the thought of dying still frightens me..thinking about being buried or burned.

I try to face it down but it can lead to panic attacks and feeling that I can't get my breath:convinced that I'm going to die suddenly. I annoy myself with it but it just happens and is out of my control.

I know I'm only going to die once and it is crazy to torment myself with 'dress rehearsals' but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!

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