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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My pfb is being bullied :(

35 replies

Mummytotwox · 15/01/2014 09:57

So my pfb told me yesterday that she had been smacked by a girl who has been on and off bulling her since last year. One min there Fridays, next she's pushing dd around. Dd is very quiet and takes most things :(.

Yesterday she was very upset.

I rang school up and they told me to tell DD to tell the dinner lady next time, dd told me she had.

I went into school this morning, and before I even opened my gob the headteacher spoke to us like rubbish.

Ht "I'm sorting"
Me "oh okay, just letti you know she did tell the dinner lady"
Ht "well she didn't tell me when she had chance yday"

Ht to dd

"You know how precious my time is, so if I speak to you I expect you to tell me the truth and everything, I don't have time to waste questioning everyone, do you understand? I will be having a long talk with you and other girl"

Then she left.

I do not get on headteacher at all.

So I left the reception really quiet upset.

Just got home and had a phone call from ht, telling me more of less she doesn't believe dd, as she didn't tell her yesterday. And other girl has said she didn't do it.

My dd is 5 :(

by MNHQ

OP posts:
battyralphie · 15/01/2014 10:02

am very Angry for you and your dd. I think you should write a formal letter to the school, detailing what has happened, and asking them to specify what steps they are taking. Do you have a copy of the anti bullying policy.

Sparklingbrook · 15/01/2014 10:05

Shock that is awful. That is not the way to speak to a 5 year old. I think you will have to put something in writing.
Does the HT have form for being abrupt?

Original poster
Mummytotwox · 15/01/2014 10:05

No I don't :(.

Tbh I am going to complain higher, because of just how the headteacher has been treating us both the past year. Because I am one of the you gets mums there I feel like I have no respect from her.

OP posts:
theevilpenguin · 15/01/2014 10:07

Hi op,I think you may have written your daughters name in your post,I have reported and I suggest you do as well so that mnhq can remove it for you!

CaptainHindsight · 15/01/2014 10:08

Im sorry Sad that's just shit - how does the HT expect children to speak out when they are treated like liars and time wasters when they have the courage to speak up? No wonder the poor love didn't want to say anything.

Also - I think you may have mentioned your DD name. Let us know if you want it reporting.

Original poster
Mummytotwox · 15/01/2014 10:08

Yeah, I caught her slagging off a very ill child before. She has told me a week before summer holidays that dd top was "too stained and filthy" it has a mark on from the week before.

She also told me dd had a filthy neck and it was "black", I haven't been washing or bathing her. Toke her doctors as I bath her every other night and wash every day, turned out to be a birth mark on her back of her neck that is brown. I knew it was there but didn't realise they would be so stupid not to realise.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 15/01/2014 10:18

She sounds awful. Is your DD happy at school in general, before this bullying?

Biedronka · 15/01/2014 10:19

Thats fucking disgusting on the Heads part.
For the fact she's shown zero compassion or any indication that she gives a shit about your DD, I'd report her. She's not doing her job properly and I wouldn't have confidence in her effectively sorting this out.
Your poor DD :( is there a teacher she likes, feels close to that she can go to?
Ensure she comes home and tells you everything that's been happening so you can reassure and comfort her as well as logging everything down.

I hope the situation improves asap X

nostress · 15/01/2014 10:27

This is disgusting. Complain to the govenors and get a copy of the anti bullying policy. Usually this is available on the school website or ask at reception. My dad is a govenor and they take bullying VERY seriously.

ComposHat · 15/01/2014 10:51

In the short term, given that the head teacher doesn't take this seriously I'd advise your daughter if this girl hits her, to hit her back as hard as she can. There is no reason she should be victimised will the headteacher does nothing and the governors drag their feet.

Sparklingbrook · 15/01/2014 10:57

The Head is so important in a school. If I were you I may be looking at other schools.....

12thmonkey · 15/01/2014 11:11

solution 1.
go in to the school, ask for a private meeting with the head, bully and threaten the hell out of him / her.
-achievement. Probably nothing, but will mostly like gain a lot of grief in return.
solution 2.
report heads 'apparent' poor conduct.
-achievement. definitely nothing and more grief for your kid.
solution 3.
tell pfb to beat the bully back.
-achievement. bully will most likely stop. but will teach pfb nothing but that violence works. And works well.
solution 4
attend the school with your pfb and get her to point out the bully, approach the bully and threaten to eat her if she does anything again, then leave either with or without the police in attendance. ;)

I would go with option 3 personally and if your kid recieves and recourse explain to the school that the bullys actions were reported and as a child she reacted in the only way she knew how. she is under 10 and not criminally responsbile for her actions.

this is of course just my opinion. but if it were my kid i would be going nuts at that head teacher.

Thatisall · 15/01/2014 11:23

OP this is horrible, I really feel for you and your dd. there are some very good letter writers on here, perhaps we could help put something together that you can email across? That way the HT can't make you feel flustered and you get to express everything that you're concerned about. If it isn't taken seriously go higher. Good luck OP. Also do you any us to report dd's name in your post?

TakeYourPick · 15/01/2014 11:30

Head teacher sounds vile. I would be taking my child out of that school and putting in a formal complaint.

Original poster
Mummytotwox · 15/01/2014 11:32

Yes please didn't realise I wrote her name.

I feel intimidated by the headteacher, she also said one the phone "she had witnesses to say her tone she used to the children was okay"

OP posts:
TeeBee · 15/01/2014 11:42

Me, being me would (and have ) done the following.
Firstly, stand up to the HT, she is the biggest bully it sounds. Tell her that you are not happy at all with her tone, whatever her 'witnesses' my say.
Tell her that your child has a right to remain physically safe when at school. And as you have left your child in her care, you expect her to be responsible for this, not only for your child but for all the children. With regards to your child I would say she either sorts it out, or you will, and your way won't be pretty but it will be effective.

Then ask for the bullying policy, they should have it in writing very much to hand (if not, question why). Also ask for the contact details of the school governors.

But I'm a 'take shit from no-one person'. I realise many others are more lenient.

Original poster
Mummytotwox · 15/01/2014 11:57

This angel is the same girl who bullies my dds best friend who is deaf, but because her mum is respected more nothing is being done x

OP posts:
meddie · 15/01/2014 12:02

If you get no joy from the HT then im with the others. Tell your DD that if she is assaulted again that she hits the other child until they cry. Its what I had to do with my DD and it achieved 2 things. It stopped the bullying immediately as she was no longer seen as a target and it forced the school to deal with the bullying issue.

nennypops · 15/01/2014 12:04

To be honest, if the school isn't dealing with bullying properly you are probably better off out of there - they're never going to be persuaded to change.

UncleT · 15/01/2014 12:11

Wow. Advocating more violence and issuing thinly-veiled threats?? There's some very dangerous advice floating around here. It's emotional stuff and the situation is completely unacceptable, but a cool head is required here. Put your complaint in writing, in detail to the head - copied to the governors.

ComposHat · 15/01/2014 12:18

uncle given that the headteacher isn't prepared to act, what do you suggest, she stand there and take it rather than defend herself? In an ideal world she shouldn't have to fight her own battles, but I really can see an alternative.

Mim78 · 15/01/2014 12:20

Oh I am so sad for you and dd. This sounds awful.

meddie · 15/01/2014 13:07

Uncle in an ideal world reacting with violence wouldnt be the answer. But after seeing your child bullied for over a year and nothing being done about it despite pursuing all avenues and following the schools policies , then you reach the end of your tether.
There comes a point where your child has to defend themselves to send a message that they arent a knocking block. And it is a very effective tool.

Lilacroses · 15/01/2014 13:15

So sorry OP. What a horrible reaction from the HT. She sounds the very opposite of the HT that I work for. I wish your Dd was at my school. I feel that you should stand up to the HT on this, even if you have to do it by email. She needs to be made aware of how serious this is and how upset your DD (and you) are. I hope you manage to sort it out and that your Dd is happier soon, poor girl.

Revengeofkarma · 15/01/2014 13:16

If she hits back you can absolutely guarantee the retaliatory will get punished worse that the perpetrator. I'd bet my house on it.

I'd recommend a combination.

  1. take on the HT. Go right over her head.
  2. be explicit with DD that you believe her, and are sad this happened to her.
  3. that if it happens again, shout. Immediately. As loud as she can. Shout "X hit me!" Draw as much possible attention to it, even if people are watching. Even if she doesn't think anyone is watching. Shout, shout, shout, and keep shouting to the lunchroom lady, her teacher and everyone else until something is done. Each and every time.