To be scared about coming out?

[justjemima]

I've known for a while now that I'm gay. Truthfully I've probably always known deep down but when I was younger I always pushed the feelings of fancying women aside and focused on having boyfriends and until recently, I've only dated men and not women. But truthfully I never felt anything for these men. Some of them were actually really nice people (some were not), were funny and charming enough, I just couldn't bring myself to find them sexually attractive no matter how hard I tried.

It's only in the last year or so that I've come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian and I've accepted that fact. However everybody thinks I'm straight and they've never had any reason to suspect otherwise. I'm not the stereotypical lesbian - I've always been quite girly and feminine, I wear dresses and skirts, wear make-up, etc and I'm not butch at all so it's not obvious that I am one.

Recently I've been seeing a woman and things are getting quite serious so I feel if I'm going to come out, it might as well be now. I'm not going to lie - I am bricking it. I know most people are accepting and won't have a problem with it, but some will have a problem. I'm just scared that there will be some people who won't accept it who I need to accept it (parents, close friends). Then I'm scared about what people will think, if I'll even be believed - like I said I'm quite feminine and so is the woman I've been seeing so we're not stereotypical. I'm also worried that coming out when I actually have a girlfriend might be too much. I'm scared that I'll disappoint my parents, especially my mum, as I'm an only child and she always talks about me finding the right man, marrying him and having children - she really wants grandchildren - and I'm just going to break her heart.

I'm worried, probably for no reason because as I said, being gay is generally more accepted these days. I'm also 25 so feel kind of too old to be coming out.

I'm being silly, aren't I?

Your not being silly, I completely understand your fear. Every one of my gay friends went through the same fear that your going through (even the ones where thier parents were just waiting for them to come out)

Is there someone you can confide in before you come out to everyone else? A parent, aunt, uncle?? Someone who can help you come out and it may be easier for you to come out person by person if that makes sense?

A friend of mine was terrified of coming out, his dad was ex army and really homophobic. He came out and his parents were completely excepting of it, his mum said she had a feeling he was and it made his dad realise that actually there was nothing to be phobic about!

Good luck

I'm not saying it will be easy, so no you aren't being silly, but imagine the relief you will feel when you can be honest and open about you and your sexuality. Huge hugs, and best wishes for your relationship.

Hey jemima - and congratulations on making the first step!

It can be really hard telling people about such a big part of yourself. However, if this relationship seeks to be serious and you think there may be a future in this, you need to be honest to yourself - and her. A good friend of ours just married her girlfriend - they're both girly girls with long hair and had a biiiiiiiig white wedding with dresses and champagne and the "traditional" stuff.

It's also still possible to have kids =) you guys could adopt or look at sperm donation. All it is is two women raising a kid they love as opposed to a man and a woman =).

Realistically, you have the choice of either being true to yourself and asking everyone you love to respect this or living a lie. Some people have issues with gay people, I won't lie - but it's gotta be worth it to be yourself rather than live a lie.

Good luck, ever support and massive hugs - I know it's not MN-y to do that but congratulations on starting to talk about it. It gets easier

oh love so pleased you have met someone special.

I wonder if your parents deep down already know? I am sure if they love you they will accept your choices and support you.

you can still have children of course and a wedding.

I expect like the vast majority of parents they just want you to be happy. good luck xxx

Well I was thinking about coming out to my best friend first. But it's more being scared of howI'm supposed to come out, iyswim? Do I just throw in randomly one day 'oh yeah, by the way, I'm gay and have a girlfriend'? How exactly do I bring the subject up? My friend is actually very accepting and supportive of things like this - her brother is gay and she was the one who talked him round to telling their parents so I know she'll be okay with it. It's just actually doing it which is the hard part.

I'm also a bit lost about how to come out to my parents. Do I just do it by introducing them to my girlfriend or will that be too much? Or should I tell them I'm gay first before bringing her into it?

It's weird, I've always encouraged other people to be honest and tell them it was okay to come out but it feels different when it's actually you who has to do it.

My best friend came out as lesbian a few years ago at the age of 40. She told me by sending me a text saying 'I've decided I'm lesbian - but it's ok I don't fancy you'. Charming :)

So I don't recommend doing it quite like that:)

Seriously though her social life has been amazing since she came out. She's out at activities every night - there's lesbian rock climbing, lesbian tango, lesbian book group and the surely incredibly niche East London Lesbian Buddhist Group.

She still hasn't told her parent though, but they don't live in the UK so she doesn't feel the need to rock the boat.

As far as I know she has had no negative reactions of any kind and her life is now so much better than before. So good luck.

jemima - maybe meet up with your friend and explain that you need her help with some advice - that you've met a woman and been seeing her and now want to tell people that you're a lesbian. She can help you with the wording I'm sure =). I'd tell your Mum and Dad before introducing her - sometimes, shock can make people say strange things and they will thank you for the daughter to parent discussion before meeting your new lady.

Coming out is hard but in my experience it's totally worth it. It's important you do it in your own time, although from what you've said it sounds like you feel ready now. I could have written your post a few years ago, I was dating men but knew I wasn't really attracted to them. Then I met my dp, fell in love with her, and found myself really wanting to be out so I didn't have to hide our relationship.
I was met with mixed reactions when I came out. Most of my friends were really supportive and wanted to know when they'd be meeting the woman in my life. A few disapproved and we've since drifted apart. My dm initially couldn't accept it. She's very religious and the reason I stayed closeted for so long. 6 years down the line though she's completely changed her opinion and refers to my dp as her extra daughter :).
As for the fem thing I wouldn't worry. I think most people nowadays know that your sexuality doesn't dictate the way you dress. Good luck!

Congratulations on making the first step.

Do not worry about thinking you are 'too old' to be coming out. Many people have still not had serious relationships by the age of 25 so it is by no means too old.
My brother is gay and it took me a while to get used to it. I am now into my late 20s and it was not until I was at university as a late teen that I began to accept it. I guess because I was thrown into the real world and mixed with all different people. My parents found it very difficult to accept and i'm not going to lie, they still do. It is pretty much the only thing I hate about them as we are very close and I can't understand why they can't just accept it. Anyway, the reason I am saying this is that I think you need to come out to them before introducing your girlfriend, just to give them some time to come to terms with it. I am sure they will be fine, as most people are these days, but it will come as a shock so it is best to introduce your girlfriend at a later stage.
I hope all goes well for you, good luck :D

My (male) best friend was terrified of coming out to his parents and avoided them for ages as didn't want to have the talk, then ended up - after about a year later than coming out to everyone else - doing it like this:

Him to his mum: "Oh I've met someone"
His mum: " That's nice, what's her name?"
Him: "Um, his name ... "

Seriously though I talked to his Mum about it a few years later, she said she didn't mind that he was gay at all as she'd often wondered, but was really hurt that he told her a year after his friends knew. She just felt bad that he'd been so scared to tell her for so long.

I only officially came out as a lesbian last year when I was 31, although I'd been out as bisexual to a few close friends before that. It's a huge relief, and I wish I had done it sooner! Finding the words can be hard. Maybe say something to your best friend like:

"I'm not sure if this will come as a surprise, and I haven't really known how to tell you, but the thing is - I've always been more attracted to women than men, and since I met [girlfriend's name], I've started to understand and accept it, and I'm much happier now."

Thanks guys.

I'm seeing my best friend tomorrow so I'm going to do it then. Then after that maybe get round to telling my parents and other people.

Wish me luck.

Good luck! You're not old btw - someone I know (male) came out in his mid 40s.

I'm 22 and only recently been honest about being bi. So I can understand - to some degree - how nervous you're feeling. Just tell people you've met someone, you're both happy, and you're so glad you've reached this point in your life. It needn't be more dramatic than that, and it frustrates me that any of us ever have to undergo more stress about it because of some of the people in this world.

Be happy, love. Wishing you all the best.

Good luck tomorrow Jemima. You can always start the conversation with your friend by saying 'you know how you helped your brother come out...'. Your friend may have guessed or it may be a complete surprise but you know she will accept you. Maybe she can help you tell your parents, if she knows them fairly well. Try to bite the bullet with them, 'I have something to tell you both, it obviously doesn't change who I am but it's part of who I am...'. If you really can't say it to them, write it on a card to them, say it's important for them to read it and wait. They may be shocked at first, be prepared for that. Very best of luck.

Good luck.

One of my closet male friends did the whole 'Ive met somebody' thing recently and when I asked who she was, he told me it was a bloke. No massive shock as he's been dabbling with men for years but it was a relief to know he'd met somebody who spurred him on to take the plunge.

Surprised there are not more replies. Congratulations and good luck. I've known people come out older than you.

Well I know I'm obviously not old but I do feel old when I compare myself to other people who are fretting about coming out. It feels like most people who come out do so in their teens although I know that's not true, it just feels that way.

Quick question - if your child came out as gay but you had no idea before hand, how would you feel? Would it be different to having some kind of inkling before hand? I know that some parents just know their DC is gay and are just waiting for them to come out so in that instance it wouldn't really be a shock iyswim? But if they didn't fit any stereotypes and there was no indication to suggest they weren't straight I'd imagine it would be a bit more shocking.

I'm seeing my best friend tomorrow so I'm going to do it then. Then after that maybe get round to telling my parents and other people

You won't need to get around to telling other people. Tell one person and, within a very short time, the whole world will know.

I can't give you any advice about 'coming out' - but it's always better, in the long run, to be up front in life.

Good luck, if your friends are true friends it won't matter at all to them.

Your parents should just be really happy that you know who you are & what you want.

It may be a surprise - I wouldn't necessarily think "shock" but they may be a bit taken aback. But realistically, nothing has changed about you - you're still their DD. All it means is that you've found someone. My mother was amazed when I met DFiance - because he's a nice guy and I historically went for total and utter nutjob wankers a slightly more unusual class of men. It'd be no different than if you were a real Barbie kind of girl and then suddenly showed up with a tattooed, leather wearing biker, or were dating a much older man. It's someone they didn't automatically expect but, if you're happy, that's the most important thing (I think anyway) for a parent to know about their child.

Not being smug but it would have, I think, been almost impossible for my son not to have been able to come out or for me not to have known.

The daughter of a friend "officially" came out when she was 18, it was a surprise to no-one. Her parents and I have several gay friends and our children have always known these friends were gay so it's no big deal.

I was Ancient when I came out! It was a bloody big shock to me, been in denial for years.

I made life very difficult for me and for everyone around me by not recognising my sexuality. I was terrified I would lose custody of my children as happened to a close friend. So I lived a lie.

Times were very different then though and it was scary.

It has been the best thing I have ever done, and luckily my children love me and I am in a civil partnership with my love and my best friend (not a threesome!) who is a fab person in the lives of all of us and especially the grandchildren. We have wonderful nephews and nieces who don't give our relationship a second thought.

I hope all goes well for you, congratulations on meeting someone special. I hope all goes well for you xx

One of my male friends came out fairly recently at a similar age. We were out for lunch and the conversation went something like this:

Him: I've met someone. It's a guy.
Me: Ace. Tell me more.

I bet you'll find similar with your best friend. Good luck.