To be scared about coming out?

[justjemima]

I've known for a while now that I'm gay. Truthfully I've probably always known deep down but when I was younger I always pushed the feelings of fancying women aside and focused on having boyfriends and until recently, I've only dated men and not women. But truthfully I never felt anything for these men. Some of them were actually really nice people (some were not), were funny and charming enough, I just couldn't bring myself to find them sexually attractive no matter how hard I tried.

It's only in the last year or so that I've come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian and I've accepted that fact. However everybody thinks I'm straight and they've never had any reason to suspect otherwise. I'm not the stereotypical lesbian - I've always been quite girly and feminine, I wear dresses and skirts, wear make-up, etc and I'm not butch at all so it's not obvious that I am one.

Recently I've been seeing a woman and things are getting quite serious so I feel if I'm going to come out, it might as well be now. I'm not going to lie - I am bricking it. I know most people are accepting and won't have a problem with it, but some will have a problem. I'm just scared that there will be some people who won't accept it who I need to accept it (parents, close friends). Then I'm scared about what people will think, if I'll even be believed - like I said I'm quite feminine and so is the woman I've been seeing so we're not stereotypical. I'm also worried that coming out when I actually have a girlfriend might be too much. I'm scared that I'll disappoint my parents, especially my mum, as I'm an only child and she always talks about me finding the right man, marrying him and having children - she really wants grandchildren - and I'm just going to break her heart.

I'm worried, probably for no reason because as I said, being gay is generally more accepted these days. I'm also 25 so feel kind of too old to be coming out.

I'm being silly, aren't I?

Sorry, that was a bit confusing. My son isn't gay but what I meant was if he were I can't imagine not knowing or him not telling me.

Realising that someone is gay isn't about associating them with bullshit stereotypes its s complex interactions of sub/consciously noticing who they eye up, noticing the chemistry between them and their partners and picking up on the signs in their language.

Your parents may or may not already realise but the worst you've got to worry about is a shocked faux pax. On the indi you have given you have no reason to believe they will be suddenly homophobic.

I wouldn't take your girlfriend (hypocrite ) as it gives your parents privacy on their initial reaction.
I would aim for it to be at the end of a visit to give them time to process it.

Unlike a pp I am unsurprised at the lack of response any op which contains the information that I'm gay is roundly ignored. I don't think it's sinister I think the majority of posters just don't feel qualified to comment (hopeful)

Good luck op, come back and let us know how it went

Good for you for having met someone special!

There's some great advice on this thread. I think you'll find most people will maybe initially do a little bit of a double-take, but otherwise be unphased. And I'm sure your best friend will be happy to help you prep your parents, if need be.

My DD is only just 3 and is currently far more interested in Mr Tumble, food, and her imaginary friend than whether she likes girls or boys the most. I hope that when she's older she'll feel that she can talk to us about any issues. As it is, we have straight friends, gay friends, bisexual friends, single friends, some have children, some don't etc.

Hopefully she'll be aware that all of these are perfectly acceptable.

(For the record, any other sexuality 'types' I have missed are not deliberate, am typing in very overtired state and really should go to bed)

I think that lots and lots of parents wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. I wouldnt like to be the last to know though.
I would tell them when you next see them. It may not be a big deal to them at all.

Oh good luck!!!! I came out at 23. I had such similar feelings to yours...dated men till then but sort of knew I liked women, then it got too difficult to ignore those feelings so I went for it. I'm not going to deny it WAS a bit tricky at first. Most people were amazing. But do you know the hardest part? It was the way I felt about it. Living as an openly gay person took a little getting used to. It was wonderful of course to be in my first lesbian relationship but I felt a bit lonely. I started to reach out and meet more gay women and men and gradually I felt more comfortable.

I am also very feminine looking and most people say "I'd never have known you were gay" etc but to be honest I very, very rarely have any negative experiences now. I have a Dd too who is aged 11 and my gorgeous dp and I had a wedding which was attended by our families and friends.

I hope it goes really well for you. Please do pm me if you would like to chat further. Good luck and congratulations!!!!

Re: having children though, my sister is lesbian and she is pregnant via a sperm bank. Why should being lesbian make grandchildren unlikely for your mum? I do see it's much harder for gay men though.

Relatives of mine took a long time to come round after their child came out. Got there in the end. No drama, just avoided talking about it & had to be patient. All OK now

My mum is taking a long time to come to terms with it though, its now 15 years since my sister told her, but actually now my sister is (20 weeks) pregnant its being forced to the surface as my sister has basically said that my mum has to accept it if she wants a relationship with her new granddaughter (my mum already has 5 granddaughters and 3 grandsons, so I did think my sister was taking a chance with this one!) but no, is already saying she is working on coming to terms with it.