to have called my stepfather 'an utter arsehole'?

[SickToTheBackTeethOfIt]

I, DH and 3 DC have been staying with my mother and stepfather for the past few weeks. We have recently returned from living abroad. We sold out house here to emigrate but things went badly wrong so we have had to come back and as we had nowhere else to stay, they took us in (stepfather grudgingly). We have asked them to lend us some money to rent a house of our own as the house we bought abroad has still not sold. DH has now found a job but we have not been able to save enough for a deposit and a month's rent as we have had to kit out the DC with school uniforms and buy a very ancient and cheap car for DH to get to work. They have refused and said we will have to stay with them until we get enough money of our own.

The reason I am desperate to leave is that I feel like a little kid again and my stepfather has made it crystal clear that he does not want us here constantly correcting DCs and criticising my parenting, complaining about tiniest mess DC make, telling me our situation is my own fault (as if I don't feel shit enough already, we have lost £000's) and making me feel like we are intruding in 'his' house.

Last straw yesterday was him shouting at me as 4 year old DS forgot to flush the toilet (poo) in front of DS, telling me how terribly I have brought up my DC and how I should have respect for his house etc. I just lost it and told him what I thought of him, how petty he was and always has been, that I owed him nothing and what an uptight arsehole he was . Neither of them have said a word to me since then.

He has been my stepfather since I was 7 and we have never had much of a relationship as he is emotionally distant and very anal about everything (military man). He has also physically punished me as a child (walloped etc). I actually can't stand him but have been conditioned to be extremely grateful to him for 'bringing me up', not that I had any choice in the matter. My mother had further DC with him and favouritism is very plain to see. I left home at 18 to escape it and had spent over 20 years away until we ended up with nowhere to go and needed their help. I am furious at myself for taking it. We have another 2/3 weeks until we can afford to move out. I don't know how to cope .

Council will not help as we own a property abroad and they need a letter from mother/stepfather saying that they are kicking us out and they won't do that.

Didn't want to read and run. Can your DH get a Lian based on his income to pay a deposit? Use credit cards? I know it's not ideal but sounds like you need to get out of there.

*loan

Yup, you are being unreasonable. You don't want to be there, he doesn't want you there, sounds like your poor Mum is in the middle.
You as adults have had a bit of a disaster and they as family are helping you out. Go and apologise for what you said to him, you are overwrought etc, really appreciate their help, and will move out as soon as you can.

Don't let your past anger over his step-parenting mess up your kids future relationships with their grandparents if you can help it and try really really hard to stay in adult mode and not revert to angry teen like we all do under our parent's roof?? This anal military man is probably really struggling having 5 extra people in his ordered home, after all.

Can you get a loan or bond deposit scheme? Try your local Credit Union if your recent disasters have messed up your credit history?

Good luck!

You shouldn't have gone there. You're not welcome and you really shouldn't be asking to borrow money from someone you don't like.

If you hadn't gone there you would have had more luck with the council as they wouldn't have had to evict you.

Yes, he sounds horrible but you are asking for a lot.

I had an ex-military stepfather like that and TBH shouting back at him was the only thing he understood. Standing up to him stopped him from being an arsehole.

I would keep on letting him know that you won't have him treating your children or you like that. Stand your ground. Bullies hate that.

Don't worry about ruining the atmosphere in the house - it sounds like it couldn't get any worse anyway.

My stepfather now treats me with kid gloves (because I stood up to him) but bullies everyone who will let him.

I think you are being a bit U, because although your stepdad sounds awful, even the most patient person would be going slowly mad with having 5 extra people in the house. And if he was physically abusive to you in the past then it seems a bit odd to take your kids there now.

I know this is hard, but if you're having financial problems and haven't managed to sell your house, then I can also see why family would be reluctant to lend to you.

Are you pulling your weight with housework, and is there any way you can work or try to find work when the kids are at school or in the evening? Have you done a benefit check to make sure you're getting everything you're entitled to? Is there anywhere else you can go, even for a couple of days or a day out or an evening, to give everyone a break?

Aside from that, I'd apologise to both of them, say it's just not working out and ask for a letter to take to the council so you can be re-housed. If they've refused before the fall-out might make them reconsider.

I think you are being so unreasonable to expect to stay with them or expect them to lend you money, why do your think that it is their responsibility to do this? Would you like to be forced into having house guests with young children?

All that being said while he wasn't wrong to tell you should have respect for his house he was unreliable to shout in front of your ds so I can see why you retaliated but really I think you need to leave asap

Unreasonable not unreliable, I swear my iPad has got it in for me

Sorry YABU, so is your SF.

Sorry but i think YABU. I had a similar situation in Oct. We returned from living abroad and were staying with my M&D for 6wks while we found a place. But my god it was hard. My Dad in particular is very picky about tidiness and has a way he likes things done. He also hates people on lap tops or mobiles. DH works 3 jobs using his laptop/phone and M&D hated DH using them in their house. I think they are a bit bonkers and DH couldn't understand it as my dad would happily sit with a paper or headphones on hey ho. We paid them £100 per week and i cooked and cleaned as a contribution. As tempted as i was to tell them they were being weird and controlling - i had to accept it was their house, they were doing us a favour and if i didn't like it i should leave.

I don't think you should have asked to borrow money from them either.

Sorry, i know it's stressful. I think you should take it on the chin, apologise and look for somewhere else asap.

He sounds vile. Whatever else happens you should continue to stand up for your dc and yourself.

I can understand them not lending you money or being delighted to be sharing their house, and they are doing you a favour. That doesn't mean they get to be nasty to your dc.

If they will say that they are kicking you out you are likely to be accommodated by the council. Ring and explain your situation.

I actually wouldn't live in the same town as him & would cut him out completely. All contact from now on should be on a civil need to know basis, build your own life which doesnt include them in the centre. A friend of mine had similar issues with her dm & sf and her mum made it clear that her loyalties lay with her new dh. Until her dm fell into difficulties & asked for help to which my friend politely asked her to fuck off. Her mum was awful, threw her out of the house with no money etc & paraded the kids from her 2nd marriage as her only kids.

Sorry you're having such a difficult time. This really isn't your DM and SF's responsibility though. Saying you owe him nothing when actually they've put you up when you needed it was wrong. I think you should apologise for that.

YABU yes sorry.

Hope your situation improves quickly for you all though

I think you're lucky he didn't kick you all out.

I don't really understand why they won't write a letter tbh, unless the accommodation you would get would be awful 6 you really are better off there for a couple more weeks.

I assume your ILs can't help (if you have any)?

Although from what you have written, it's odd that you went to your parents tbh.

Ha-I put that you're lucky he didn't kick you out-maybe that's what you were hoping for!

"Gosh, whatever happened to family and doing anything for them"

Well tbf, OPs mum & SF have taken her & her family in.

The best advice I was given about dealing with bullies is to take out/stand up to the ringleader. I used to get bullies by the son of a loyalist paramilitary group member. He bullied me to the point where I snapped. I went out and almost ripped his balls off, broke his jaw with a nice uppercut, broke 3 ribs, smashed his wrist so that he needed surgery, cracked his eye socket and broke his nose. Had my brothers not held me back (it too all 5 of them), the bloke probably would have been killed. I used to be called smurf, but I'm still known as the staffy due to my stamina and high pain threshold in fights.

Nowadays I try and use more diplomatic means of resolving situations.

I think YABU. You are in someone else's house, living at their expense, so you should teach your children to abide by their standards. The fact you've called him an arsehole and claimed you owe hom notjing would have got the the response "nor do I owe you anything sweetheart, your are an independent adult now given that you consider me an arsehole, you won't mind awfully fucking off out of our house."

No wonder he treats you like a child whrn you and your husband and children turn up expecting free board and lodgings as if it were a right and given that takes the financial pressure off you, then ask for a loan and throw temper tantrums

I used to get bullied. Gaaahhh

I have an ex-military father who's the kindest, most emotionally literate, unselfish person I know. Using "military" as a byword for "unpleasant person" is really bloody irritating.

I think it's good that they took you in but if they don't want you there and find you all so irritating they should write the letter saying they're kicking you out or lend you the money to go.

I hate it when people agree to put themselves out and then punish you for it. Give freely or don't give at all.

I am always shocked when families don't help and when parents shout at their grown up children (because a 4yr old forgot to flush? Seriously?! It would hardly register with most people).

YANBU

I don't think you're being unreasonable to shout at him or call him an arsehole, you were being bullied by him in front of your child and it will do your kid some good to see you refuse to get shouted down for something he's done by accident. If your child has made a mistake and then sees you being yelled at - and taking it - how is he going to feel?

But I do think you are unreasonable to say you owe him nothing. I get that he's a dickhead but if it wasn't for your mum you would probably be in one room in a B&B which definitely wouldn't be more fun, whatever you think.

I think you need to let him and your mum know how much you appreciate them putting you up, and concentrate on getting your house sold (drop the price?) and you all out of there.