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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have called my stepfather 'an utter arsehole'?

52 replies

SickToTheBackTeethOfIt · 14/01/2014 21:45

I, DH and 3 DC have been staying with my mother and stepfather for the past few weeks. We have recently returned from living abroad. We sold out house here to emigrate but things went badly wrong so we have had to come back and as we had nowhere else to stay, they took us in (stepfather grudgingly). We have asked them to lend us some money to rent a house of our own as the house we bought abroad has still not sold. DH has now found a job but we have not been able to save enough for a deposit and a month's rent as we have had to kit out the DC with school uniforms and buy a very ancient and cheap car for DH to get to work. They have refused and said we will have to stay with them until we get enough money of our own.

The reason I am desperate to leave is that I feel like a little kid again and my stepfather has made it crystal clear that he does not want us here constantly correcting DCs and criticising my parenting, complaining about tiniest mess DC make, telling me our situation is my own fault (as if I don't feel shit enough already, we have lost £000's) and making me feel like we are intruding in 'his' house.

Last straw yesterday was him shouting at me as 4 year old DS forgot to flush the toilet (poo) in front of DS, telling me how terribly I have brought up my DC and how I should have respect for his house etc. I just lost it and told him what I thought of him, how petty he was and always has been, that I owed him nothing and what an uptight arsehole he was . Neither of them have said a word to me since then.

He has been my stepfather since I was 7 and we have never had much of a relationship as he is emotionally distant and very anal about everything (military man). He has also physically punished me as a child (walloped etc). I actually can't stand him but have been conditioned to be extremely grateful to him for 'bringing me up', not that I had any choice in the matter. My mother had further DC with him and favouritism is very plain to see. I left home at 18 to escape it and had spent over 20 years away until we ended up with nowhere to go and needed their help. I am furious at myself for taking it. We have another 2/3 weeks until we can afford to move out. I don't know how to cope .

Council will not help as we own a property abroad and they need a letter from mother/stepfather saying that they are kicking us out and they won't do that.

OP posts:

ComposHat · 15/01/2014 11:14

iwant but I am guessing you don't live in your parent/step parents house in your 30s and are financially independent of them. To say 'I owe you nothing' whilst you and your family are living gratis in their home is stupid, foolhardy and ungrateful.

Bootycall · 15/01/2014 11:20

gosh op if I had out you and your kids up, fed you and been asked for money and then you turned round to me and called me 'an arsehole' you would have been out in your ear love.

he doesn't owe you anything you are an adult now.

DamnBamboo · 15/01/2014 11:22

YABU OP.

Have you actually considered the enormity of what they are doing for you?

Neitheronethingortheother · 15/01/2014 11:27

YABU- You are an adult. It is his house. You need him to put you up. There is no way I would move into a house where I didnt have much respect for the owner. I have step kids and would find it hard if they landed on me with their families. I would probably be a bit terse with them as it is a big ask to have 5 extra people living with you. He probably felt he had no choice in whether you stayed. Feel sorry for your mum though as she is caught in the middle.

DamnBamboo · 15/01/2014 11:32

Chiggers I wouldn't brag about that. Unless of course you are joking, but what a bizarre joke!

Agree with longtall re the use of word military in this context.

SaucyJack · 15/01/2014 11:48

YANBU to think he was an arsehole to you as a kid, but YABU to be moaning about his behaviour now.

You don't owe him jack schitt...... but that works both ways I'm afraid.

Get out as soon as you can, then keep the Hell away from him in future.

BarbarianMum · 15/01/2014 11:58

I really thought I was going to tell you you were being unreasonable but actually I don't think you were.

Sometimes things just need saying. Otherwise I bet he would remind you 'til his dying day what a 'great favour' he did you.

Original poster

SickToTheBackTeethOfIt · 15/01/2014 12:20

We are not staying for free, we are buying our own food and trying to give them money but they won't take it. That's the problem. We were told we should stay with them, they suggested it as we were hanging on for the house to sell. We are trying to pay our way but they will not accept it or kick us out and then we are treated like children and told we should be grateful they are doing so much for us. I am constantly on high alert to any noise from DC or mess, can't relax for a moment. Is that usual when you are staying with family?

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 15/01/2014 12:23

But you could have and should have said no when they insisted you stay with them.

He does absolutely sound like a prick who enjoys having you indebted to him so he can play the martyr- but you have the choice as a grown-up not put yourself in a vulnerable position in the first place.

whatever5 · 15/01/2014 12:27

YANBU. He sounds like a nasty bully. Although he clearly doesn't want you to live in his house he has made it impossible to move out by refusing to provide a letter saying that he is evicting you. That is really unfair of him.

I would just stay out of his way as much as possible for the next three weeks.

Original poster

SickToTheBackTeethOfIt · 15/01/2014 12:32

The house they live in is rent free with all bills paid as well by stepfather's company. It is costing them nothing financially to have us stay here. The house is 5 beds and when they rented it they said they took it so there was room for us all to stay. We have never asked for help from them before.

They are aware that over the last year while we have been abroad DH almost died in a car crash so had months off work unpaid, we lost a baby, I started to suffer from extreme anxiety and panic attacks, DH's job have been underpaying him and we had no employment protection as on a work visa, dream house we bought was found to have a structural defect so when we finally sell (last offer was just enough to cover small mortgage) we will have lost all the equity in it and we are still having to pay the mortgage from over here. We are being treated as if we have been silly and reckless in moving abroad (DH had a good job offer on paper) and having to come back .

OP posts:

Original poster

SickToTheBackTeethOfIt · 15/01/2014 12:35

We had absolutely nowhere else to go SaucyJack. The stress over there was making me feel so ill. I just wanted to come home. I had no idea we would be treated like this as adults with children of our own.

OP posts:

checkmates · 15/01/2014 12:39

Save oursoles. Is that what you meant?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 15/01/2014 12:46

It all sounds awful op but surely you can see none of it is your step fathers problem? It's not always about money either

You said they insisted you stay there but you also said he took you in grudgingly? Either way it's clear he's not happy with you being there

I know you said you have nowhere else to go but what would you have done if you hadn't been able to stay there? They could ask you to leave immediately and you would have to arrange something

I think if you are going to stay for a few more weeks you should apologise and try to make things as easy as possible for them

diddl · 15/01/2014 13:09

"I had no idea we would be treated like this as adults with children of our own."

Have you had no relationship with him then to have had an inkling that this might happen?

But it could just be as others have said-5 extras in the house-that's a lot!

An unflushed poo was probably the final straw!

whatever5 · 15/01/2014 13:23

I don't really see why the OP should feel grateful to her stepfather if he is effectively preventing her from being able to get help from the council.

ComposHat · 15/01/2014 13:28

I don't thonk anyone ww argue that you've had a rotten time of it and you've found it stressful, but what part of it was your stepfather's fault?

It seems that you see it as his responsibility to get you back on your feet, whilst simultaneously making it clear to him that 'you owe him nothing' OP can you not see that this comes across as a double standard?

In fact by letting you stay at his and your mother's home he is giving you a chance to get your finances in order whilst staying in comparative comfort.

Have you thought what they alternative would have been if you'd not been able to stay with them? Your family's most likely destination would have been a single room in a B&B not a nice chintzy one with a trouser press, but one stop up from a doss house, where you biggest concern would be leaving the door unlocked as everything you own will be stolen and sold for smack rather than your child being ticked off for not flushing the loo

QueenofallIsee · 15/01/2014 14:25

I think that you have had a terrible time and your family could be a bit more patient - gratitude will only take you so far and their help does not mean you are obligated to just accept being treated unfairly. It must be stressful for you all (your step-dad as well to be fair to him). All you can do is state to your Mum & her husband that you do not wish to fall out, that you do appreciate the accommodation but that it is clearly not working and you don't want to fall out so badly that you can't come back from it. With that in mind, you hope that they will agree to put it to rest for a few more weeks whereupon you will be gone.

willyoulistentome · 15/01/2014 14:33

Wow. They are putting your whole family up and you called him an arse hole?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/01/2014 14:43

OP - they are helping you massively and you've treated you SF with total disrespect. I think they should write the letter to the council to say they are kicking you out though so you can prove you are homeless. You've had a bad time for which I'm sorry but your SF is not wholly responsible for taking care of you now you are an adult.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 15/01/2014 14:51

Well, they are under no obligation to lend you money. It's a shame when family don't want to help family, but nobody has to help anyone. There's never any harm asking, but a no must be accepted and respected.

They didn't even have to give you a roof over your heads. They could have said no and you would have had to get a short term let / b&b / hostel. You haven't had to do that and they are refusing to take rent so that you can save up faster to get out. For whatever reason, they would rather have you there even though it seems they don't want you there, than lend you money so that you can leave faster. Maybe they don't have ready cash? Maybe they don't want to be in a situation where someone owes them money?

It sounds like a fairly shit situation all round and clearly you are all bloody miserable but I think all you can do is look at the bigger picture. You are out of a miserable situation in your previous place, you are back roughly where you want to be and you have only a few weeks left before you can get on your own two feet again. Just hunker down for these 3 weeks and get the hell out of there and just be grateful that you have had somewhere for the family to sleep and it's not long term.

Original poster

SickToTheBackTeethOfIt · 15/01/2014 14:56

Who said my stepfather was 'wholly responsible' for me as an adult?

As far as I am concerned you are responsible for your DC until the day you die but that's just me. I am not expecting anything from him except for him to 'put up' with a bit of noise and extra people around for a short time. I really don't think it's an 'enormous' ask.

They have had no children at home for over 10 years and as their house is so massive and empty, they been bugging my DSis (stepfather's bio daughter with my mother) to move in with them with her DC so she can save some money to buy a house. DSis has point blank refused (no need for guesses as to why) but when I am in dire straits, I am expecting too much and should put up with being told that I am a crap, lazy parent because my 4 year old forgot to flush the loo? Really? I also made a bad 'choice' moving abroad and all this is my 'own fault' although they were bragging about it before we went .

I think I will go with my own conclusion on this thanks. Should you really not expect any help from your family when you become an adult? I really don't get that tbh.

OP posts:

diddl · 15/01/2014 15:04

"Should you really not expect any help from your family when you become an adult? I really don't get that tbh."

Well they are helping-sadly not with good grace on his part.

But tbh, I don't know anyone who would be in a position to even take in a family of five for some weeks-let alone rent/bill free!

rookiemater · 15/01/2014 15:05

Well I have a reasonable relationship with my parents, but I wouldn't expect that if we moved in it would run smoothly. They are older, they have set views about things and if I were in their house, taking their hospitality, then it would be difficult for me to contradict them.

In your case you know that your stepfather was abusive to you as a DC, therefore it's sad but fairly predictable that he isn't treating your own DCs any better.

I can understand how angry you are at him shouting at your DS for forgetting to flush the loo - and yes when DS was 4 he forgot to flush it on occasion, but tbh whilst you live under their roof, you don't really have the luxury of letting rip at him, particularly if you used that language in front of your 4 year old. Icy calm would have got your point across much better.

It's not nice on their part that they don't treat you as well as your step sister, but frankly you need to focus on doing whatever it takes to get out of there, beg them if you want to officially make you homeless.

And for what it's worth it is a huge ask to expect anyone to house 5 additional people in their house, no matter what their circumstances, it's way beyond a bit of extra noise and it's strange that you can't see that.

MrsKoala · 15/01/2014 15:06

I am constantly on high alert to any noise from DC or mess, can't relax for a moment. Is that usual when you are staying with family?

Yes, for me it is. Our parents haven't had children in their houses for years. They are used to things the way they like them. And yes it means i am constantly stressing about shoes being left in the wrong place, DH not using a coaster, DS pulling things out of a cupboard, me leaving a pack of wet wipes on the dining table etc. It makes staying with them really stressful. Which is why when we stayed with my parents we took every nag on the chin and just redoubled our moving efforts and tried to keep to their rules (even if we thought they were bizarre). It is also why visits are fewer and further between. It's up to them how they behave in their own house but it's up to us whether we go to that house. This is also why they rarely (or in PILs case never) come to us - as they don't feel comfortable here because of our chaos and way of doing things.

We took the very first property we saw. The cost of losing my relationship with my parents just wasn't worth it.

People saying they should be more patient - maybe they think they are already being generous and patient enough and these things are, as another poster put it, the last straw. Once my dad freaked out about a pair of DH's shoes being in the hallway, for me it was a massive over reaction, but for him he'd already had us in the house for 3 weeks and it really was the last straw.

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