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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to take LO around MIL's (dogs and smoking)

47 replies

Thornita17 · 14/01/2014 18:32

I'm very sad about this... Unfortunately i'm living at home atm, and partner at his. We are expecting a baby girl soon.
I don't think we'll have a place anytime soon, not until LO is at least 6 months, as due to unexpected circumstances mainly due to money we are having to build up all over again...

MIL has three JRT's... I've opened a topic about them before.
I have no problem with one at all, the second is fine as long as you respect him and respect his space/feelings when he's having a bit of an off day and of course when bubba gets a bit bigger I would make sure he isn't unfairly provoked... He does worry me a bit though as when he gets snappy he does bite... Its the third JRT which is my huge worry.
MIL has yabbered on and on about how they'll be amazing with LO, lick her all over and no one will get near her as they'll be oh so protective. Oh and how if there was a fire ect they would drag the baby out protect it with their lives... Its unrealistic and I don't think she realizes any dog can be a risk, even her 'babies.' I tried to speak to her about it, as did OH. She got very angry when OH suggested the dogs be confined to the kitchen, when LO is in livingroom. She said in response he has a perfectly good bedroom for LO to be in, and the rest of the house is the dogs property and they will not be moved.
The third JRT is veeeery domineering, territorial, and his mummies baby... No questions asked. He is also the little shit bag that gives JRTs a bad reputation with his quick to bite, snappy little nature.
Never in front of mummy though... He bites her partner in bed, has bit my OH, and me for no reason thats even slightly understandable.
For example walking into MIL's bedroom or picking him up off a sofa.

MIL can't come to my parents home, they don't see eye to eye. Not through my parents fault, they tried, she slagged them off in return.

I even said to my OH I was willing to still take LO for the sake of MIL seeing her granddaughter as long as she would have them as LEAST off the sofa where they can't nip/get at LO. This made me unhappy but like I say, previous topic people said I can't keep LO from her MIL. MIL isn't the type to meet in mutual territory either.

Well this morning I dropped my phone and as I bent down to pick it up I look forward and JRT3 is laying there, teeth bared snarling at me in my face. I jumped back, hitting my head on the bloody table he was under same time. I did lose it in the end, pulled him out from under where he tried to bite again and as soon as he wasn't protected by a table ect he submitted and started shaking. I put him outside I was so cross.
MIL says its my fault and anyone else who gets bit by her dogs. They're doing whats natural apparently... And now after today I don't want to bring LO round at all... LO will be JRT 'size' and I feel JRT3 will be VERY likely to potentially attack. And MIL would not correct it at all...

Also she and her partner smoke HEAVILY in the house. Due to 50% increase in cot death I said to OH overnight stays were a no no and that I would only be happy taking LO around for limited hours as long as they smoke outside when LO is there... He asked and she said sure she would smoke in her room when LO is around and that LO could stay over all the time which obviously I didn't agree to and even less so now thanks to JRT3 ... She refuses to accept the second hand smoke situation and palms it off....

AIBU to just want to not have LO around at all? Or should I for the sake off her grandparental rights take LO around, try to persuade her to at least keep JRT's off sofa and not smoke when LO is round. Is that good enough? :/ I feel an awful mother for even considering not taking LO around, but MIL shouldn't be preached in her home... I'm at such a loss... And I'm so sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 14/01/2014 18:38

Can't stand dogs or smoke, so if it were me, I wouldn't take LO round to MIL's ever.

If she wants a relationship with LO, she has to accept your terms, full stop!

Original poster
Thornita17 · 14/01/2014 18:42

May I also add, if these dogs at least LISTENED to basic commands, I'd be a little bit more happier. Its not like that though, they only listen when MIL is out, or only to MIL when she's in and even then they half heartedly listen... She also encourages food nicking which worries me further considering babies like holding food in their hand for some time

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 14/01/2014 18:43

No way would I want my dc around this situation. The dogs are her babies and she makes no allowances, so your dd is your priority and should do what you want.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 14/01/2014 18:43

Whilst I agree that MIL shouldn't be preached in her own home I do think having a dog who is likely to bite & heavy smoking around a newborn are actually good enough reasons for you to put down some ground rules to protect your baby. And if they don't like it, then I wouldn't allow DC in their home.

What does your OH say to them about all this? I'd be making sure he can see the risks first then pass the job of setting ground rules over to him or you'll end up the bad guy.

Trooperslane · 14/01/2014 18:44

Nope. Snappy dogs bad enough but smoke a total deal breaker for me.

Original poster
Thornita17 · 14/01/2014 18:48

What does your OH say to them about all this? I'd be making sure he can see the risks first then pass the job of setting ground rules over to him or you'll end up the bad guy.

OH knows how angry and aggressive MIL can be, especially if it isn't what she says/wants to hear.
He has tried with the dogs, she told him to shut up it was their house and he had a perfectly good bedroom.
Smoking - she said she understands our worry, but she likes smoking and it didn't harm babies 40 years ago... ugh.
He tried to say to me "we'll get to that when it happens..." and I quite angrily replied "Will he say that when we have a LO in A&E." I always have to say the brutality of things for him to realize the severity... He knows the dogs and her horses come first anyway. They came before him growing up.

OP posts:
meddie · 14/01/2014 18:50

Please dont take them. I still have the scar on my face from when a relatives dog bit me as a child. I was doingnothing wrong he was a snappy little terrier as you describe and lunged at me when I jumped onto the sofa where he was lying.
Its just not worth the risk. My injury happened with 4 adults in the room. It was that quick

chandlery · 14/01/2014 18:52

No such thing as grandparents rights. Go with your gut here, the dog is nasty and not controlled, the smoke is against your wishes.

I took some advice from another thread recently, just say no thanks, we've discussed and its not to my satisfaction. My baby, my rules. If you give excuses or elaborate on the reasons then they will twist it.

Andanotherthing123 · 14/01/2014 19:00

MIL isn't willing to compromise so no, you don't have any obligation to either. JRTs aren't the greatest breed around babies and small children and second hand smoke is not good. Even if she'd smoke outside when baby's round, there's residue smoke all over the house if she usually smokes indoors.

She's welcome at your parents or in mutual territory-she will have to cope with those options or stay home snapping at things along with her dogs.

chandlery · 14/01/2014 19:03

You might as well be clear now, when you get your new place together she needs to know dogs and fags not welcome there either.

Jinty16 · 14/01/2014 19:06

YANBU. I was bitten by a JRT when I was 18 months old. Thankfully it wasn't too bad but I do still have a small scar on my face. Dog had been absolutely fine before and there were adults in the room. It only takes a second.

I would meet on mutual territory or not at all.

MrsOakenshield · 14/01/2014 19:07

I wouldn't go anywhere near there, sorry. It sounds vile. If she wants to see the baby she can visit your home where she sticks to your rules.

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 14/01/2014 19:09

yanbu. There is no way that I would take my baby into anyone's home if there was a vicious dog or smokers. Unfortunately your mil has made her priorities clear if she won't compromise and it is her that will miss out.

everlong · 14/01/2014 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petalsandstars · 14/01/2014 19:13

No way in hell would I be taking my baby there. Your DP will have to come to yours and MIL can like it or lunp it. GPs have no rights anyway in law with new babies.

mummymeister · 14/01/2014 19:22

its hard, particularly when it is your first to get your head around the fact that you are the parent now, not them. you set the ground rules and what you are asking is completely 100% reasonable. I would not be taking my LO round there at all unless she agreed to this and if this means no relationship with her new grandchild so be it. you are the parent. what you say goes and not her. if you don't stand up to her now believe me this is the start of a very long and horrible road.

Starballbunny · 14/01/2014 19:24

JRT especially as they get older are snappy, nasty creatures, I wouldn't trust them near a child let alone a baby.

Likewise I wouldn't want to spend too long in a smokers house, although my DDs did as babies, the evidence against is indisputable.

(DDad eventually gave up, which has made a huge difference to everyone)

specialsubject · 14/01/2014 19:31

any dog bigger than a chihuahua can kill a baby - Jack Russells can and have.

you cannot have your child anywhere near any dog unless both are closely supervised. You can never leave a child alone with any dog.

especially not these ones.

if they want to smoke themselves to death that's up to them, but don't go round there. I couldn't last a second in there so why put your baby through it? Smoked-in houses reek.

so the baby can't go there. End of. They can cage the dogs and lose the stinky-sticks if they want. Only they don't want.

Bootycall · 14/01/2014 19:38

this thread seems very familiar??

however definite no no from me. my kids my rules and no snappy dogs or smoking. just no no no.

smoking outside makes absolutist no difference to second hand fags, none at all.

how will you prevent your partner from taking lo to his parents house though?

MothershipG · 14/01/2014 19:39

You sound anxious to try and please your MIL and give her the chance to have a relationship with her grandchild but if she won't compromise at all I think you will just have to go down the my baby, my rules line. But you need to make OH take the lead on this.

Could you get some leaflets about the danger of second hand smoke from the GP and say that you prefer to follow current medical advice?

And as the owner of well behaved small dogs who find small children very intimidating I would strongly advise you to keep your baby away from your MIL's dogs.

tudorqueen · 14/01/2014 19:44

Hmm, think the problem is your MIL rather than the dogs!!

Chunderella · 14/01/2014 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RightInTheKisser · 14/01/2014 19:54

Wouldn't dream of taking my child there. I love dogs but not ones with a proven track record of biting. A Jack Russell killed a baby last year IIRC. It leapt the stair gate to get to the baby. There's not trusting any dog and then there's not trusting a vicious dog that bites.

You aren't stopping your DC seeing grandma. You are protecting them from a very real and present threat.

As for smoking. A vile habit. I spent my whole childhood round my 60 a day grandparents and even went on holiday with them. I won't ever forgive my parents for that. My lungs are terrible now. I get chest infection after chest infection and have various inhalers.

I still remember the pain in my chest of being in the car with two smoking grandparents. I used to hide under the table in the caravan to avoid the smoke.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 14/01/2014 20:04

I have refused to take my DS to my mothers house for the last couple years for almost the exact reasons (mother and her partner both very heavy smokers in the house and they have a snappy badly trained terrier). Mother really kicked off and laid on full guilt trip and slagged me off to all family and friends but I refuse to compromise my child's health and safety. Made it clear mother can come round to ours to see DS or meet up somewhere else so not stopping her seeing DS. I think you need to stand your ground on this one OP

ukatlast · 14/01/2014 20:14

YANBU and she will just have to get over herself by meeting you in the M&S Cafe if she is so inflexible. Your baby's safety comes way higher than MIL's right to see grandchild.

So she has dogs that already bite people and is in denial. I also wouldn't want the dogs licking my newborn as she promises - why she thinks this would sound enticing to a new Mother is beyond me.

Clearly like many of the posters on another recent dog and sister/mother thread, she cares more about her dogs than people.