AIBU to not want to take LO around MIL's (dogs and smoking)

[Thornita17]

I'm very sad about this... Unfortunately i'm living at home atm, and partner at his. We are expecting a baby girl soon.
I don't think we'll have a place anytime soon, not until LO is at least 6 months, as due to unexpected circumstances mainly due to money we are having to build up all over again...

MIL has three JRT's... I've opened a topic about them before.
I have no problem with one at all, the second is fine as long as you respect him and respect his space/feelings when he's having a bit of an off day and of course when bubba gets a bit bigger I would make sure he isn't unfairly provoked... He does worry me a bit though as when he gets snappy he does bite... Its the third JRT which is my huge worry.
MIL has yabbered on and on about how they'll be amazing with LO, lick her all over and no one will get near her as they'll be oh so protective. Oh and how if there was a fire ect they would drag the baby out protect it with their lives... Its unrealistic and I don't think she realizes any dog can be a risk, even her 'babies.' I tried to speak to her about it, as did OH. She got very angry when OH suggested the dogs be confined to the kitchen, when LO is in livingroom. She said in response he has a perfectly good bedroom for LO to be in, and the rest of the house is the dogs property and they will not be moved.
The third JRT is veeeery domineering, territorial, and his mummies baby... No questions asked. He is also the little shit bag that gives JRTs a bad reputation with his quick to bite, snappy little nature.
Never in front of mummy though... He bites her partner in bed, has bit my OH, and me for no reason thats even slightly understandable.
For example walking into MIL's bedroom or picking him up off a sofa.

MIL can't come to my parents home, they don't see eye to eye. Not through my parents fault, they tried, she slagged them off in return.

I even said to my OH I was willing to still take LO for the sake of MIL seeing her granddaughter as long as she would have them as LEAST off the sofa where they can't nip/get at LO. This made me unhappy but like I say, previous topic people said I can't keep LO from her MIL. MIL isn't the type to meet in mutual territory either.

Well this morning I dropped my phone and as I bent down to pick it up I look forward and JRT3 is laying there, teeth bared snarling at me in my face. I jumped back, hitting my head on the bloody table he was under same time. I did lose it in the end, pulled him out from under where he tried to bite again and as soon as he wasn't protected by a table ect he submitted and started shaking. I put him outside I was so cross.
MIL says its my fault and anyone else who gets bit by her dogs. They're doing whats natural apparently... And now after today I don't want to bring LO round at all... LO will be JRT 'size' and I feel JRT3 will be VERY likely to potentially attack. And MIL would not correct it at all...

Also she and her partner smoke HEAVILY in the house. Due to 50% increase in cot death I said to OH overnight stays were a no no and that I would only be happy taking LO around for limited hours as long as they smoke outside when LO is there... He asked and she said sure she would smoke in her room when LO is around and that LO could stay over all the time which obviously I didn't agree to and even less so now thanks to JRT3 ... She refuses to accept the second hand smoke situation and palms it off....

AIBU to just want to not have LO around at all? Or should I for the sake off her grandparental rights take LO around, try to persuade her to at least keep JRT's off sofa and not smoke when LO is round. Is that good enough? :/ I feel an awful mother for even considering not taking LO around, but MIL shouldn't be preached in her home... I'm at such a loss... And I'm so sorry for the essay.

Go with your instincts. You wouldn't leave your child to take its chances exploring an open fire or a knife and hope nothing happened, and the nicest natured and best trained dog can still have a bad moment and react unpredictably. No one can guarantee it won't happen.

My dog is highly soppy, has never snapped or shown the slightest sign of aggression, is a lovely family dog and is never allowed to be loose around the babies and toddlers. It just doesn't bear thinking about if one of them makes a mistake. Boundaries need setting if the babies are in MIL's house, with the dogs not given free access, either behind gates or in another room, and if she doesn't think that will work for the dogs then her house isn't a good place to meet up. Try pointing out to her that her dogs need protecting as much as her GC does.

dragging your baby away from a fire your mil watches too much suprise suprise bollocks.

Thanks ladies. Its now more of a situation of telling her, having her understand, and flip out as little as possible.

Its YOU that needs to flip out with her.

Your mil sounds awful. You sound sensible and as if you are trying to please everyone yet mil has no interest in meeting you halfway at all.
If it were me I would not be taking my baby anywhere near the house her dogs or her smoke and I think you would be crazy to risk it tbh.
It sounds like the fall out will be huge but you have to stick to your guns. It is your responsibility to protect your lo now and if anything happens ultimately your fault for taking her there knowing the risks (sorry if that sounds harsh!)
Best of luck!

YANBU, and I'm a dog-owner. There is no way I would be taking my baby anywhere if I knew the family in question had an aggressive dog and they refused to keep it away from the baby.
So many smaller breeds are spoiled because "ah they're so tiny, what harm can they do." Well, quite a bit - www.theguardian.com/uk/2013/apr/09/baby-died-bitten-jack-russell

HazleNutt

Not opening it but thats the baby Harry article I presume? Scared me really bad given how dog in question saw no problem and then lay in the cot. Its exactly how JRT3 acts when hes done a naughty. Nothing at all... MIL saw him piss all up her lampshade other night and shooed him out of room and slapped his arse. He came straight back tail a waggin'.

TBH she did drag him onto her lap 5mins after crying because she 'hurt him.'
No wonder.

I can't understand why anyone would think that a dog wanting to lick a baby all over is any kind of Good Thing. I avoid dogs myself because of the amount of time they spend with their noses up each other's arses and licking where the sun doesn't shine. Why would you want that on your grandchild?

In their wisdom my PIL bought a new pup 2 days after birth of first and only grandchild. Had been banging on about looking after the baby and visiting etc, but now all that comes with an overexcited saluki (with nuts) and no control over him.

Im now the unreasonable one because I feel the goal posts have moved...

I have gently tried to suggest that he be 'done' to try to make him more socially acceptable but was met with catsbumface! Fair enough, its their dog, but its my baby so we're at an impasse.

Yes that's the Harry story.
Your MIL sounds like a prime example of "how not to raise dogs". The most they would get is a 10-minute visit, you standing up holding the baby for the duration, next to an open window preferably.

As said, I have dogs and I'm generally also if any guest asks me to put them in another room. But JRT3 is clearly dangerous.

I have a large dog and when I have children I will never be leaving them alone together. I shall buy a big dog gate and shut him in another room or in his crate. I wouldn't even leave a baby alone with my cat. Suffocation, or if baby grabs cat's fur and cat lashes out.

Your MIL can do what see wants in her house, however you have a perfect right to decide that you do not want to expose your child to those risks. Tough on your MIL if she isn't going to compromise for a short visit. She sounds a dreadful dog owner who doesn't have any sense of responsibility or common sense with them.

I would put my foot down about it and risk the fallout.

I don't smoke. Many of my friends do. As my DC don't spend a significant amount of time in my friends' houses (people mostly come to me) I'm not bothered by the scientifically proven effects of passive smoking as I believe that exposure has to be regular to make a difference. The unfortunate side-effect of their clothes smelling etc is something we put up with as we care enough about the friends to consider it worthwhile. None of my friends would smoke in the same room as my DC however, that goes without saying.

I am a dog lover and currently own a large labrador. Anyone who thinks their dog would never harm a fly is deluded. My dog is one of the soppiest, well-trained dogs out there and my DC have played with her all their lives. However, any dog can snap under the right circumstances, which is why children and dogs should be kept separate or under proper supervision until the children are old enough to have been taught how to respect dogs and how to read their body language. An adult with a "safe" dog who refuses to acknowledge a risk places a child in more danger than someone with a "temperamental" dog who has taken steps to remove any potential danger. Your MIL combining a "temperamental" dog with an attitude of denial is the worst possible combination and an accident waiting to happen.

We all want to take steps to smooth things over with family. Sometimes tact and compromise can go a long way, sometimes we have to stick to our guns and be belligerent about it if people won't even consider our opinions. When it comes to the safety of our children, that's one time it's ok.

I'm a doggy/horsy person and I wouldn't dream of letting a baby in the same room as any dog that has bitten and I'm pretty chilled out about animals/kids interacting with supervision.

just wanted to comment on this "MIL says its my fault and anyone else who gets bit by her dogs". So a) if your baby is bitten, it's her fault? and b) MIL thinks that as it would be the baby's fault, this makes it somehow ok?

HazleNutt

In that situation it would be my fault, for not being observant enough. Its usually my fault when her and OH have an argument too, I'm the one texting the horrible messages apparently, I am a son stealer LOL. She can be pretty crazy at times!!

I was also chased by one of her demonic Thoroughbreds not too long ago, when I was feeding them. It was my fault, I should have apparently left the second I gave them their food, I was a threat. Pretty sure horses should respect people too? Given that they have the power to trample you in a few seconds...
At the end of the day in her eyes her animals (be it cats, dogs, horses, ect) are little Angels who are perfectly trained (Because they all give her attention as she's mummy) ... There is no changing her perspective of that.

It was on here I think years ago I read about a family who had a wonderful friendly lab, really soft and loving. One day it bit their toddler and they took decision to have it put down.

They asked the vet to have a good look at the dog to see if anything had caused it, illness etc...

Vet found a crayon shoved in the poor dogs ear deep down.

Very sad!

YANBU. I would not allow my children to spend any significant time in a smoker's environment, whether or not anyone was smoking indoors at the time. All the curtains and sofas and carpets will be saturated in cigarette chemicals.
Dahlen absolutely hit the nail on the head about the dogs.
Presumably your OH is welcome in your parents' house to see the baby until you can find a place together?
MIL would be seeing my baby on neutral territory minus dogs and cancer sticks or not at all.

Id go for meeting at the park/cafe instead of taking the baby to her house - certainly the smoking thing would be a no no for me because of cot death fears. You could possibly get round the dog issue by having a play pen there so you could play with the baby safely away from the dogs but sounds like she couldnt be trustworthy enough not to have a go at introducing them when you left the room-she certainly has a bizarre idea on the dog licking! I have a jrt and we are completely sensible with him and use a playpen etc-our dog is super gorgeous and has been amazingly chilled out about the babys arrival but id never risk anything - its so not worth it.

I'm all for finding compromise and think that sometimes accepting your baby might be in a house where someone has smoked, for example, is something you need to weight up vs a good relationship with family members.

But not in this case. Not with those dogs!

but sounds like she couldn't be trustworthy enough not to have a go at introducing them when you left the room-

And this is the reason I have said no babysitting. Because I KNOW she'll go behind my back!!

Yes OH is more than welcome around mine. x