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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is odd and am right to be, shall we say, intrigued...

85 replies

thegirliesmam · 14/01/2014 18:24

my OH for want of a better word has been an utter cock. in his treatment of me and our relationship for 2.5 years of its 4 year run. he got busted. but after a period of what could only be seen as punishment, but necessary venting may be another way of putting it, I did the pro's and con's list and realised I am a stronger woman than I gave myself credit for and we gave it another go. this all happened 1.5 years ago. as a result his facebook account was in my sole possession. no one had access but me. in a stupid row to wind me up he set another one up. added only people we knew (3 of them anyway) and left it alone. no profile pic, no info. an act of defiance from his inner grounded child.

fast forward last week, I made a fb comment on a friends wall, to which this unused account was used by him to comment on it. I went to look at the account, still no pic/info, a few more friends (football manager, boss) but also a woman who I don't know. set her account up in july 2013, only has him for a friend and this friendship happened in august. she lives 3 counties over but In an area he occasionally has fleeting business in (not overnight).

what are your thoughts....is my increasing poirot impression unreasonable?

OP posts:
Zucker · 14/01/2014 18:55

Why are you still with him? There's no trophy for sticking it out the longest.

TheWitTank · 14/01/2014 18:58

So what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Fuck all it sounds like. Do the very obvious right thing.

Teeb · 14/01/2014 18:59

You sound like a controlling bully. By the sounds of it he's cheated.

You shouldn't be together.

BeaWheesht · 14/01/2014 19:00

Why on earth do people continue in 'relationships' like this?!

softlysoftly · 14/01/2014 19:09

Speechless.

Oh no, wait, I'm not.

He sounds a charmer. Taking him back didn't make you a "strong woman" it made you an idiotic, controlling paranoid one.

He will fuck about again.

You will never trust him.

This isn't love or happiness.

End it and move on.

ConnectFourChamp · 14/01/2014 19:13

This is horrible. Just call it a day. Life can't be any worse.

Original poster
thegirliesmam · 14/01/2014 19:17

love this!!! i cant speak for people but i know why i carry on my 'relationship'....i have three children how adore their father, a father who adores them, a man who has since worked his arse off to better our lives (do i need to list the ways so inappropriate judgement can ensue), who works all the hours god can send to ensure we want for nothing and yes he comes home to a person who has taken care of three babies and is beyond tired and can snap and he has given me excellent reasons to take it out on him but shock horror the controlling bully doesn't do that. the controlling bully then moves in to taking care of him mode and we talk and laugh and enjoy each other as friends and partners.

but what the controlling bully also doesn't do is, go through his phone, demand to know where he is, scream at him for things that happened over a year ago, treat him like shit and so on and so forth. thr controlling bully tells him she loves him, because she does. by the sounds of all the insightful, fully informed opinions ive received i probably shouldn't tell him that and do all those things to fit the criteria of the bully i am. must up my game.

to all those that have since commented about the op (which wasn't about my relationship in its entirety btw) thanks, just wanted to make sure i wasn't being too controlling in thinking that was a bit odd.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 14/01/2014 19:24

Yes the woman on fb three counties over is odd. But you know that don't you?

softlysoftly · 14/01/2014 19:29

Yes op you are right your relationship is perfect.

Funny though if DH had a woman on his FB (if he had FB) I would assume she was a new friend or business contact. But then he's never destroyed my trust.

But no don't you worry the worry you feel totally part of a normal balanced relationship.

mrstigs · 14/01/2014 19:31

Not to comment on the rest, but yes. Having this woman on fb is worthy of comment i suppose, due to his history. That said, he's hardly hiding the fact is he, what with him using that account openly to comment on your posts. Would he normally conduct his affairs so 'openly'?

Original poster
thegirliesmam · 14/01/2014 19:34

well yes but i have male friends he doesn't know, that i have met through my previous work. quite a few he could ask for an explanation about if he was inclined. i just don't know wether i feel inclined to ask about her because we are in a place where i don't think it needs explaining or wether im inclined because of how he was.
would you ask about her?

OP posts:
jacks365 · 14/01/2014 19:36

Woman on acc is obviously a fake profile most likely the woman he had the affair with. Please don't dismiss his behaviour, he's showing you the person he truly is as he has is the past, how many times does he have to prove he's a cheat and a liar before you believe him.

MandatoryMongoose · 14/01/2014 19:37

Are you sure he is her only friend? Afaik you can set your privacy to only show mutual friends - so if you look at her profile from your account you'll only see people who are friends with you both (such as your husband's 2nd account).

If he's actually her only friend that would be very odd and I'd think it was a fake profile or possibly but less likely that it was a secret profile for her due to her not wanting someone to know about her friendship with your DH.

It doesn't matter much I think in terms of your relationship, you're obviously unhappy and don't trust him (with good reason if he has form). It's not a healthy place to be.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 14/01/2014 19:42

It's Jeremy Kyle you need not mn

Original poster
thegirliesmam · 14/01/2014 19:50

exactly, everything else was very well hidden. it was his behaviour that made me think something was up, how he was in himself. men were having affairs long before technology and it was themselves who gave the game away and all that.
i suspect no foul play based on himself.

thanks softlysoftly , i can tell that from the snippet of information you have given away over the internet, about what goes on behind your closed doors, that you calling my relationship perfect is praise indeed, being in such a faultless one yourself. however i must correct you, i never said it was perfect, nor indeed faultless, maybe if i said we were in counselling for our issues then i would shatter the illusion that i think its fantastic and we are better than brad and ange, alas we are not. owing to time restrictions on day to day life we haven't the time for someone to tell us about our relationship and how to work even harder than we do daily on how to remedy it (and i have mumsnet for that anyway!), we talk about how to do it ourselves and i don't go screaming in like a bull in a china shop about my issues, i am careful with the words and way i speak to ensure i don't belittle ereything we have worked really fucking hard for. but one day i do strive to be able to pass fleeting hurtful 'opinion' like you can do yourself because the sun could one day shine out of our arses.....but then saying that sentence would e rude because i don't know you do i?!

OP posts:
Original poster
thegirliesmam · 14/01/2014 19:56

i have thought of that account setting thing, another reason why i think i don't really need to ask. think i will though, then i know don't i :)

OP posts:
SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 14/01/2014 20:47

Is there any point to your post?

WilsonFrickett · 14/01/2014 20:56

Dear god woman you are equating 'being a strong woman' with soldiering on, holding it all together, prioritising your man, working it out. That's not strength, it's an Eastenders plot line.

Get rid. He's a cheat and you have allowed your mental picture of yourself and your relationship to calcify round the cracks in your marriage. Yes, trust can be rebuilt but that involves tremendous amounts of vulnerability. And screaming. And shouting. And learning to communicate. You both sound completely stuck where you were a year ago IMO.

insummeritrains · 14/01/2014 20:56

What a fun, trusting relationship it sounds Hmm

WilsonFrickett · 14/01/2014 20:57

O put the same thing another way:
You took him back
Nothing has changed.
You are sitting on your anger
He is sitting on his impulse to cheat.

Sooner or later something's got to give....

ENormaSnob · 14/01/2014 21:16

A strong woman would have got rid imo.

BaronessBomburst · 14/01/2014 21:26

He might be cheating.
She might be a work friend.
He might have added her to bait you.
It may be any or all of the above.

It does seem odd and I'd just ask him.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 14/01/2014 21:32

OK OP you know you can permanently delete a FB account? As in once it's gone it's gone. You have not "closed his account down" you have suspended it. I may be totally off base but it sounds like you were at the time (possibly still now) keeping this suspended and not fully deleted to catch him out. This doesn't sound like a trusting relationship.

I am of the opinion that relationships are built on trust, once the trust has been broken so is the relationship in my opinion. A functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic, a functioning marriage with little trust is still a broken relationship... If one woman on a FB account can make you doubt this man then your marriage doesn't sound as solid as your subsequent posts would imply.

I am not doubting you are a strong woman in many aspects of your life but standing by your man isn't what makes a women strong. Standing up for yourself, what you believe in, having respect for yourself is what makes a woman strong.

Inertia · 14/01/2014 21:37

You want for nothing- apart from a man who can remain faithful, sober and drug-free.

To be honest it probably is suspicious. But then a man who had a prolonged affair and 20 other attempts is not going to have his philandering foiled by a FB lockdown.

BrownSauceSandwich · 14/01/2014 21:37

Well, he sounds like a real catch. And, frankly, so do you! Hmm

You can't really be surprised that your policing of his mobile and online presence hasn't turned him into a reliable, trustworthy person? Cut your losses, work on your own insecurities, and aspire to a functional relationship with someone else, where nobody feels the need to read anybody else's text messages.

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